Bloggystyle -- The Greatest

Official: Government changes holiday

2006-01-17T15:55:00.000-06:00

In an emergency overnight session last night, the US Congress passed a bill un-declaring every third Monday in January Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and redeclaring it Shaq-Kobe day.

"Frankly, America's kids, be they nigrah or honkey, don't give a rats-ass about MLK," said some old white guy in a suit. "Ask a little boy who King was, and he might know or he might think your speakin' about LeBron James. Now ask that same little nigrah about Mamba. He'll recite stats out his ass."

Shaq couldn't be reached for comment but Bryant was quoted as saying something that Michael Jordan would have.

Rosa Parks: 1913-2005

2005-10-28T18:01:00.000-05:00

Now she's really not moving from that bus seat.

No Womo

2005-10-26T16:28:00.000-05:00

It must be a slow newsday if a story on the WNBA is the most interesting read.

In case you haven't heard, to the surprise of no one, Sheryl Swoopes admitted that she was a lesbian today.

Swoopes gets pumped before a game by listening to the Indigo Girls

This begs the question, are there any gay players in the NBA? We have compiled the likeliest suspects (nhjic).

Yuta Tabuse

Easy first choice, Yuta Tabuse was the first Japanese born player in the NBA. Judging from this picture (and his season stats), it looks like Yuta spends more time primping his hair in the morning than working on his jump shot.

Mike Wilks

Mikey's a 5'11" ballhandler out of Rice now manning the point for Cleveland. Look at that picture and tell me he doesn't ball for the other team.

Bob Sura

I must've only been 12 years old, watching the Cavaliers in '95, but I knew something wasn't quite right with their rookie guard.

Jason Kidd

Joumana is a front. So was punching her.

Jason's "wife" Joumana Kidd sits with 5 year old TJ Kidd, the manliest individual in the Kidd household, and the only one who can grow facial hair.

And once again. Andrew Bogut: Australian for teh ghey.

No Homo Juelz Santana, Bloggystyle introduces the All NBA 1st Team Gay.

Sport's Manliest Men

2005-10-23T23:45:00.001-05:00

First of all, let me preface this post with a no homo.

Last friday started off well. I made my morning cup of coffee, a nice bowl of cereal, and switched on the TV. First thing I see, Al Roker. Then a story on Tom Cruise. Followed by an ad for Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Is it possible to watch television for 5 minutes and not be inundated with homosexuality?

In protest, I've decided to post something masculine. Pro sports. Something with nothing homosexual at all. Enjoy everyone

Mike Piazza, star catcher for the New York Mets.

Mike Piazza, not gay

Jeff Garcia, Detroit Lions quarterback and heterosexual

Garcia, getting pounded by two defensive linemen

Kordell Stewart, running to Urban Outfitters 30% off sale

Definitely not queer

Killa Cam Shot

2005-10-23T23:45:00.000-05:00

We've been told in the past that the Dipset is a "powerful movement" by self-bragging Dipset rappers such as Juelz Santana and Jim Jones. Of course, the leader of the group is one Cam'ron Giles, also known as Killa Cam.

Despite the powerful movement of the Dipset however, it is clear that a poor black man's urge to steal a Lamborghini is even more powerful.

At least, that's the story we're being given, that Cam was shot a few times after refusing to give up his ride. But given some key pieces of evidence, Nasty Naus has postulated a new theory on who was really out to get Killaed Cam.

Here are 10 reasons that Bloggystyle is going out on a limb and predicting that Killa Cam was actually shot by the ~~Illuminati~~ Gay and Lesbian Alliance due to an interesting paradox. In an extensive new conspiracy theory, Nasty Naus believes Cam'ron was shot by the Alliance because he both mocked homosexuality and was an embarassing representative of it. Here's the proof Nasty Naus wishes to have shared with the world.

#10

Wow, Cam'ron. Just wow.

#9

Here's Killa Cam showing viewers the only pink he's interested in.

#8

#7

#6

No Homo Juelz Santana: "Oh Boy"

#5

Doesn't Dipset look powerful?

#4

Much like Jeff Garcia and Jeff Gordon, Cam'ron likes to front, nhjic.

#3

#2

Killa Cam lookin real manly.

#1

Clearly it's a compelling theory.

Support Emperor Stern's Dress Code

2005-10-13T20:08:00.000-05:00

While it's essential to the sanity of this great nation that the Association of National Basketball gets underway in a mere matter of weeks, we recently received a proclamation from Magistrate Stern that the players will no longer be allowed to ~~revolutionize the hip hop clothing industry~~ wear street clothes.

Some people believe the implications of this ban are monstrous. Admittedly, there are good reasons why the ban could be rejected, like the evidence offered below.

Amare Stoudemire, Pac, Iron Mike.

Emperor Stern may as well have called it the "Allen Iverson Rule." Hater.

However, the overwhelming evidence that we are about to provide documents how the ban will level the stylo playing field, where the Erick Dampiers of the world become relevant once more. Here are 10 solid reasons why Emperor Stern knows what he's doing.

#10

Jalen Rose. No wonder he's concerned about biters.

#9

Erick Dampier. Relevant for the first and last time in his career.

#8

Peja "Eurotard" Stojakovic, flashin his wool.

#7

Maurice Taylor. If only he had the game to match.

#6

Just kidding. ~~Can we pretend this never happened?~~

#5

Hold your head homie

#4

~~Big Poppa~~ Samaki Walker.

#3

Marcus Haislip's only worthwhile NBA moment. Let's not even get started.

#2

I can't believe you were drafted either Mo Pete.

#1

Was there ever any doubt for this one?

Bogut: Australian for teh ghey.

Molester Alert: Lipnicki Reaches Puberty

2005-10-12T21:56:00.000-05:00

Before Tom Cruise was crazy and wasn't pretending to be straight, he made some good movies, one of these being Jerry Maguire. It became one of the biggest movies of 1996 thanks to its catchphrases like Show me the money!, and its dynamic actors - ~~Bryant Gumbel~~ Cuba Gooding Jr, Renee Zellweger, and of course, every mom's favorite character in the movie, Renee Zellweger's adorable son, played by Jonathan Lipnicki (no homo)

In classic child star manner,Jonathan's career has since gone the way of Corey Feldman and the kid from The Sixth Sense. Out of pity, it seems that someone invited poor Jonathan to a recent movie premiere. They had no idea what they were getting themselves into.

Its a shame he didn't get his mail order Proactiv before they rolled out the red carpet.

"Help me help you" find the nearest plastic surgeon.

And with that, Bloggystyle has finally concluded the elusive quest to find an individual Tom Cruise would prescribe anti-depressants to.

The Juice Signs Autographs

2005-10-12T18:55:00.000-05:00

For some reason it was a big deal in the media that the Juice was signing autographs for money the other week.

Many individuals were fortunate enough to ~~not~~ receive OJ Simpson's ~~steel~~ autograph, like this lucky lady.

Since other media outlets were considering it a big deal, Bloggystyle correspondents went ahead and took exclusive pictures of the important event to post for viewers ourselves.

~~Mark McGwire~~ Juice signing autographs.

~~Sammy Sosa~~ Juice signing autographs.

~~Jason Giambi~~ Juice signing autographs.

~~Rafael Palmeiro~~ Juice signing autographs.

~~Jose Canseco~~ Juice signing autographs.

~~Barroid~~ ~~Barry Bonds~~ Juice signing autographs.

~~Roger Clemens~~ Juice signing autographs.

~~Lance Armstrong~~ Juice signing autographs.

~~Shaquille O'Neal~~ ~~Juice~~ Fatass signed an autograph.

I know what you're thinking. How can a man who clearly lied before a grand jury make money out of signing autographs, and how can the media stomach giving the Juice the spotlight?

Once again, Bloggystyle has the answer.

~~Mark McGwire~~ Juice solemnly swears to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, next time.

Top 10 Reasons Tony Parker Should Die

2005-10-12T12:15:00.000-05:00

#10

#9

#8

#7

#6

#5

#4

#3

#2

#1

He's FRENCH

(Does anyone else feel cheated out of an Eva Longoria picture? That's pretty poor, Whitewater. -- Nasty Naus)

Whitewater's Weekly Burning Questions

2005-10-11T23:58:00.000-05:00

In honor of the start of NBA Training Camp, it's time to ask some important questions relating to everyone's favorite blend of athleticism and crime.

Given his corruption indictment, do you think Tom De Lay will face enough questions about his heart to nickname him "Eddy Curry?"

Eddy's heart just skipped a beat.

Since last year's Timberwolves were such a wreck, does anyone else think we should just refer to last season as the Malik Sealy Season?

Did the Hornets have a Bobby Phills Season too?

Whose name is more associated with the word bust: Damon Stoudamire or Kwame Brown?

"Yo, where the weed at?"

What's more broke: Pakistan or Amare Stoudemire's knee?

And, finally, no homo Juelz Santana, what lasted longer: Nick and Jessica's marriage or Rafael Palmeiro without viagra?

Why did he take steroids? Because he wasn't naturally good with the wood.

Thank God Almighty, (Artest's) Free At Last

2005-10-11T22:07:00.000-05:00

Finally, released from the suspension clutches of ~~Emperor~~ David Stern, everyone's favorite Ronald has been unleashed.

Crazy Ron had this to say about his impending return: "I'm going to continue playing hard and out of control, like a wild animal that needs to be caged in," Artest said Tuesday night before the Indiana Pacers faced the New Jersey Nets in the preseason opener for both teams. "I'll let the referees handle it."

Crazy Ron doesn't think anyone's stupid enough to throw something at him anymore. "I don't think anybody's going to throw anything at me, and I don't see me reacting how I reacted," he said.

All I can say is I hope to God he's wrong.

Whitewater's Weekly Burning Questions

2005-09-25T20:14:00.000-05:00

This week, we're employing the help of one Nasty Naus, who has a few pertinent questions of his own to be answered.

"What broke more water last week: New Orleans levees or Britney Spears?

Where will you find more bastards: Philadelphia or Kevin Federline's house?

Who received more targeted strikes last weekend: Cincinatti Bengals cornerbacks or Palestinian militants?

What's looking more lively these days: the Houston Texans, Tom DeLay's political career, Peter Jennings's lungs, John Paul II or Vladimir Lenin?

Whitewater's Weekly Burning Questions

2005-09-19T18:49:00.000-05:00

Who's the worst fit: Verne Troyer in a dunk contest, Gheorge Muresan in a limbo contest, Eminem behind the boards, or Mike Sherman doing anything besides selling his body to science (nullus)?

Who would be the best nose tackle for the Packers: ~~Clitoris~~ Cletidus Hunt, Grady Jackson, or Reggie White's coffin?

Speaking of which, does anyone else wonder if Gilbert Brown was called when Reggie needed a "Gravedigger?"

Who has shown more signs of life over the past few years: Terry Schiavo or the Lions' offense?

What's typically more spastic: a T.O. touchdown celebration or Michael J Fox?

What comes out more often: a 2Pac album or a member of B2K?

Who would prove more useful in a raid:

Dutch Cavalry

or

New Orleans bums?

Whitewater's Burning Questions

2005-09-12T22:45:00.000-05:00

Which football player has the least heart: Peerless Price, Maurice Clarett or Thomas Herrion?

Where will New Orleans suffer more losses: in the French Quarter or the NFL Standings?

Is Hurricane Katrina the only thing that could pack the Superdome?

Who's less likely to be on the other end of Joe Horn's call: Someone congratulating him on a victory or FEMA?

What's more torn up: Javon Walker's ACL or Scarlett Johannson's genitalia?

Who will score more points this year:
Da Darko

or

Da Bears

Biggie: Teh Greatest Gheyest?

2005-09-06T22:43:00.000-05:00

Like many CD players, mine recently had Ready 2 Die spinning through it (nullus in case?) while I was bored and collecting money at Da Bank. This offered me the opportunity of listening to Biggie's lyrics even more closely than usual.

And while such an experience leads many to ponder whether or not Biggie was the greatest emcee of all time, it unquestionably reinforces the fact that Biggie spit the teh gheyest fucking lyrics of all time.

Consider the following lyrics from the album:

No Homo Juelz Santana

"I got techniques drippin out my buttcheeks
Sleep on my stomach so I don't fuck up my sheets" (Ready 2 Die)

"When I met you I admit my first thoughts was to trick
You look so good huh, I suck on your daddy's dick" (Me and My Bitch)

Referring to his friend as love in Warning.

I'm sure everyone's familiar with the notorious "leave that ass leakin like rapper demos" line off Hypnotize too.

No Homo Juelz Santana, but is it really a coincidence that one of Biggie's most notable songs had a title like Juicy?

Big Poppa: King of Teh Ghey Rhymes

Burning Questions: Week of September 4th

2005-09-01T18:37:00.000-05:00

Another week, another round of tough questions that require tough answers. Without further ado...

What's more toast: Bob Huggins's Cincinnati tenure or a Peruvian plane?

Who's the most washed up: Natalee Holloway, a New Orleans bum, or Maurice Clarett?

Which bitch would you least want to catch the eye of?

Worst show ever: Chaotic or Britney in Vegas?

What's more resistant: the metal on top of the Superdome or the metal in the chest of the white trash pictured above?

What will prove to be the biggest source of anarchy in 2005?

The Jester Holds Court

2005-08-26T22:43:00.000-05:00

The NBA's free agency period can certainly take weird turns, like Joe Johnson demanding a trade to a team that won 40 less games than his team the season before.

But I can't remember anything more ridiculous than this Michael Finley bullshit that's been going on since the Mavs cut him under the new amnesty tax.

Under the new amnesty rule, the Mavs were allowed to cut Finley and save what would amount to 25 million in luxury tax fees over the next few years. Now there's no doubt that 25 million is an unbelievable amount of money.

It just happens to be a very believable amount of money for one

The creature shown above has spent millions every year tinkering with the Mavericks, taking on salaries like Raef Lafrentz and Antoine Walker, in the hopes of propelling Dallas over the top of the West. Sure, it didn't work out, but with the acquisition of Terry/Dampier last year and the multiple signings of people this year like ~~Jackie~~ Doug Christie, obviously the Mavericks are still trying to win.

So if the Mavericks are trying to get over the hump in the West (nhjic), why would they release their starting 2 guard, a captain of their team and the longest tenured player on the team?

It's because the men pictured above are more washed up than Natalee Holloway. The reason Dallas cut Finley is because Finley stinks. The guy has become a total bricklayer who still shoots almost 15 times a game, and he has averaged about 3 rebounds and 2 assists in 36 minutes the past few years. Dallas cut Finley because he was ineffective. Anytime you're replaced by Doug and Jackie, you know you're sliding down the slippery slope.

So what happens to the player who was replaced by the Christies? A guy so washed up that Biggie would be crafting God knows how many "played out" rhymes about him? Apparently what happens is every team that thinks they can win the title believe Michael freaking Finley is the vital, missing cog that can get a team a victory parade in June.

But not only are all these teams lining up to try to get Finley. Finley is literally having suitors come to him to meet in Chicago and give him their sales pitch. This overrated son of a bitch had the gall to force superstars like the Big Ticket and Amare Stoudemire to come to him and basically grovel for his services. Here's a list of the teams that are gunning for Finley and have the best chance to secure his 40% shooting.

Miami: I would have sworn Dwyane Wade was a 2 guard, but apparently I'm wrong, because they're the favorites to sign Finley. Again, you can just see the catstrophic meltdown coming.

Detroit: Explain to me how Michael Finley fits in a backcourt with Rip or Chauncey? Does he take minutes from Tayshaun?

Phoenix: They could actually use a 2 guard, except Finley is basically Jim Jackson without the 3 point consistency.

San Antonio: I figure they're trying to get Finley simply because they can, and because making Finley play like 20 minutes and winning the title will be more challenging.

Denver: The Nuggets are apparently trying to sign Finley or Sprewell...I don't like their chances in the West.

I can guarantee right now that whichever team takes Finley will not make it to the NBA Finals this next season.

Burning Questions: Week of August 28

2005-08-25T18:53:00.000-05:00

Since I actually have to work, and I still have to study, my time has been limited to the extent that I haven't been posting too frequently here. In the event that the trend does continue, the 3 of you who come to this page regularly can still see what's current events in the Bloggystyle atmosphere through a series of "burning questions" posted hopefully weekly.

Anyway on to this week's Bloggystyle Burning Questions:

What's faker: Lance Armstrong's Tour results or Tara Reid's tits?

Real Worlder ~~Uday's corpse~~ (no necro just in case) Lacy stunned the world by introducing her parapalegic boyfriend Ryan on an episode a week ago. Which works worse: Ryan's legs or Ryan's eyes?

What's smaller: Rafael Palmeiro's steroids shrunk dick (major no homo) or Deuce Bigalow's market share?

Who should have pulled out first: the Israelis out of Gaza or Keven Federline's father?

What will bomb worse: the "revamped" Miami Heat or a Palestinian Arab?

Who's the truest warier: Cindy Sheehan's son or this man?

The 05 Fantasy Football Team

2005-08-25T17:32:00.000-05:00

After admitting that I don't know enough about the NFL to be competitive, the fantasy gods mocked me even more by assigning me the #9 spot out of 10 teams for our league draft. Even I would have been able to get Manning or Tomlinson with a Top 2 pick, but no go.

Instead, here's how my draft went, in this order.

McGahee
McNabb
Horn
Hines Ward
Drew Bennett
Chris Brown
Wiggins
Atlanta
Keyshawn
Vinatieri
McNair
Bettis

And a few other assorted dregs in the late rounds, including ultra sleeper Bubba Franks, who reported the day after the draft.

In a league where the Top 4 teams make the playoffs, I don't think I'll have to follow this team too closely.

Fantasy Football

2005-08-21T19:32:00.000-05:00

Admittedly, I'm not a big NFL fan and when I joined a fantasy football league consisting of various roomates/friends, it was only the second fantasy football league I had ever played in.

After last year's draft, I thought I had compiled a pretty good team consisting of Bulger/Ahman Green/Travis Henry in the backfield, with Torry Holt/Rod Smith/Jeremy Shockey as receivers/tight end and Baltimore's Defense.

In otherwords, my team was the ultimate underachiever.

Tomorrow is the fantasy football draft day and I have to make amends. I'll make it possible for everyone to laugh at me by posting what I believe is the Top 5 at each position.

Quarterbacks

When Bulger slid throughout last year's draft and everyone but me had picked a starting quarterback, I figured I had pulled a major coup (nhjic) to get Bulger in the middle rounds. I was wrong; meanwhile Peyton Manning all but carried a team to a Top 3 finish.

This year it's pretty plain from a fantasy perspective, and I realize that this position can be more important than running back.

1 - Peyton Manning
2 - Daunte Culpepper
3 - Don McNabb
4 - Brett Favre
5 - Trent Green

Like in real life, I'm sure Tom Brady will be severly overrated and will be one of the first 5 quarterbacks picked. But, no homo Juelz Santana, while Brady rides Bill Belichick to championships in real life, he leads fantasy football teams to the cellars.

Running Backs

Last year, Tomlinson and Holmes were the Top 2 picks. With #3, I took Ahman Green. In addition to being a Packer, no homo, Green had amassed about 2300 combined yards and double digit TDs in 2003. In 04, he amassed about 1600 combined yards and 8 touchdowns. That was good for about the 15th most fantasy points by a running back, barely finishing behind renowned running backs Warren ~~Dung~~ Dunn and Reuben Droughns.

1 - LaDanian Tomlinson
2 - Priest Holmes
3 - Shawn Alexander
4 - Tiki "Needs No Thunder" Barber
5 - Willis McGahee

Wide Receivers

If there's anything I'm certain about, it's that the two wide receivers who happen to provide the most tumultuous offseasons every year will come with it during the regular season, no homo.

I actually think Moss will rub it in the Vikings' face by having a ridiculously good year. And regardless of his theatrics, I figure Owens will put up his usual numbers.

1 - Randy Moss
2 - Terrell Owens
3 - Marv Harrison
4 - Javon Walker
5 - Chad Johnson

The 5 spot is a pretty tough call, but Mush Muhammad and Chad Hutchinson? Drew Bennett, last I checked, is still white. No Homo Juelz Santana, I don't trust Nate Burleson or Marcus Robinson.

Tight Ends

(No Homo)

Tony Gonzo is usually a consensus first pick as far as TEs are concerned, but I figured Shockey was a solid second last year. Then he had his worst year ever, Antonio Gates pretty much emerged from obscurity, and I had yet another underachiever lining up every Sunday.

1 - Tony Gonzalez
2 - Antonio Gates (who is signing the 1 year "tender" offer after all)
3 - Algae Crumpler
4 - Jason Witten
5 - Jeremy Shockey

What an ugly list, no homo.

Defenses

I was the first person to take a defense last year, making the obvious selection of Baltimore. That was my only "correct" pick of the entire draft, since Baltimore scored a bunch of defensive touchdowns, gave up relatively few points and had the likes of Ray Lewis and Ed Reed.

1 - Baltimore
2 - Pittsburgh
3 - Buffalo
4 - New England
5 - Philadelphia

Kickers

Somehow I ended up with John Carney last year, probably figuring the Saints would score a lot of points. I didn't know at the time that Aaron Brooks had a propensity for throwing the ball backwards and other various retardation issues. Meanwhile, I had David Akers throw a touchdown against me, Vinatieri and Elam make every kick and have Carney finish near last in everyday kickers.

1 - Akers
2 - Vinatieri
3 - Elam
4 - Longwell
5 - Vanderjagt

So there is my fantasy football mock board. If that wasn't funny enough, I'll update the site with my fantasy football roster shortly after the draft, since I'm pretty much going to wing it without preranking players.

If They Weren't the Clippers...

2005-08-16T17:42:00.000-05:00

I'd almost have some faith in their playoff chances.

Last year, the Clippers played Marko Jaric, an inconsistent 6'7 Euro who could put up 18/6/8/3 one night and 5/2/5 the next. But, no homo Juelz Santana, since he's lengthy , a good defender and a ballhandler, he was actually a hot commodity as a restricted free agent this offseason, flirting with a number of teams like the Cavaliers and Heat.

One thing was certain; Jaric wasn't going back to Los Angeles. Which is why it's surprising that the Clippers not only got something for him, but they actually robbed the Timberwolves, trading Jaric and no name Lionel Chalmers for a lottery protected first round pick (which could easily become the next Marko Jaric), and Bloggystyle's favorite baller, Sam Cassell.

Had this trade been made straight up, the Timberwolves would have been getting the shaft. Clearly their window had closed after the conference finals loss to the Lakers two seasons ago, and being from Milwaukee makes it easy to understand the level of Cassell's headcase issues, but this trade certainly doesn't propel them forward or even help them rebuild.

The Clippers have had bad luck in the past two seasons, or they would have been on the cusp of the 8 seed both years. Clearly they want to win now, which would be the first time in forever, and Cassell will instantly help them. With the loss of Bobby Simmons to the Bucks, the acquisition of Cassell will make it possible to slide Livingston and Maggette to the 2 and 3 respectively. And while Cassell may be 34 or 35 already, his game is methodical, ploddingly slow and based on perimeter accuracy. I still believe him when he talks about longevity (nhjic), because those traits are not going to fail him in a year or two.

I think the trade will make the Clippers leapfrog the Timberwolves in the conference standings next year. Barring any major surprises, transactions or injuries in the West (and no, Michael Finley signing with a team like Phoenix or Denver will not make a big enough difference), here is how I think the West seeding will shape up.

1 - San Antonio
2 - Phoenix
3 - Denver
4 - Dallas
5 - Houston
6 - Sonics
7 - Clippers
8 - Grizzlies

The Abdur-Rahim Odyssey

2005-08-12T19:47:00.000-05:00

All summer, Shareef Abdur-Rahim, one of the all time NBA losers in terms of team winning %, tried to work his way onto one of the all time losingest teams in NBA history in the New Jersey Nets. In addition to playing in a sewer, no homo Juelz Santana, Shareef was poised to find himself teaming up down low with Nenad Krstic, which certainly meant gaudy rebounding numbers at the very least.

Abdur-Rahim was so intent on going to the Nets that he turned down a 47 million dollar offer from the Bucks, who promptly spent it on Bob Simmons. Meanwhile, Shareef and his agent worked furiously to pull off a trade by which Rahim could make at least half of the Bucks offer.

And Portland almost pulled it off, until Abdur-Rahim's gimpy body failed a physical. Shareef, of course, was hurt most of last season with a bad elbow; that's a fine combination of injuries for a post player. The Nets promptly nixed their trade and took their draft picks back.

You'd think it was looking bad for Abdur-Rahim's chances after that failed physical. Shareef knew he could only turn to one team. A team renowned for putting chronically gimpy power forwards in the spotlight. A team that makes it cool for a power forward who can't dunk.

As always, the Associated Press finds a way to work itself into a frenzy when dissecting the impact of Abdur-Rahim's addition to the Sacramento Kings for about 5 million a year, half of what the Bucks offered. Who wants to play alongside Bogut, Redd, Mason and TJ Ford when you can play alongside "high-scoring" Bonzi Wells?

The veteran forward has never reached the playoffs -- but that seems likely to change with the Kings, who added him to a starting lineup that now could be one of the NBA's strongest.

Abdur-Rahim joins a projected starting lineup with Wells, Mike Bibby, Peja Stojakovic and Brad Miller, along with Kenny Thomas, Corliss Williamson, Brian Skinner and new signees Jason Hart and Jamal Sampson on the bench.

If we were talking about 1998 Abdur-Rahim, 2003 Peja Stojakovic, 2002 Mike Bibby and anyone besides Skinner/Thomas/Williamson/Wells, then I'd see the AP's point.

Instead, I think the Kings have a very good chance of not making the playoffs. Moreover, I also expect that Abdur-Rahim will miss at least 20 games next year. I even think the Kings would be better served to start Thomas at 4, Abdur-Rahim at 3 and bring "high-scoring" Bonzi Wells off the bench.

Even at best, the Kings will not finish ahead of San Antonio, Phoenix, Dallas or Houston.

Da Bank's Token Minority Girl

2005-08-09T18:23:00.000-05:00

I've already gone off countless numbers of times about the fat bitches that work in my department of the bank, but there's one in particular that kept catching my eye. And I couldn't figure out why.

Until now.

During the first week, I was pretty much overwhelmed by all the fat bitches until names started being placed on each 300 pounder, and soon they were all pretty much the same. But everytime I'd cross paths with this one fat Indian girl, she would always stare me down. For the past few weeks, I just figured that she was doing it because I was pretty much a forbidden piece of white meat restricted from her use by her religion and ever expanding wasteline.

But then I figured out who it was, which brings me to one of the funnier/weirder things I experienced in college.

During my freshman year, I knew a couple of people in the Lambda Chi Alpha frat house, and I went to a few parties there during the first semester. And on one uneventful Saturday, I and a few other people got the call to head on over there to watch a Case Race.

For the Case Race, they had 3 teams of Lambdas, 5 to each team with 30 domestics of some sort. But there was also a sorority team of 6 girls who had only 24 beers. Obviously I figured one of the Lambda teams would win because there were plenty of fat losers in the frat who did nothing but man style drinking, nhjic.

So it took all of us by surprise when the sorority team was winning handily. The first problem was that most of the Lambdas had pregamed, so a bunch of them were puking by beer #3 or 4. But the Lambdas also had another problem; the same problem that I have to see on a daily basis now.

Sure enough, the fat Indian bitch at the bank was literally and figuratively the anchor of the girls' team. All the other girls were normal size and normal pussy drinkers, but this fat Indian bitch was putting beers down at a ridiculously scary pace. Eventually, the sorority team won the case race in about 20 minutes, with every Lambda team trailing considerably.

The fat Indian bitch had drank 10 of the 24 beers in that time. And it didn't even seem to faze her: the sorority team gloated, talked shit and took a "victory" picture before departure.

And now, of course, the fatty is my problem every day.

The Heat Trade Part 2

2005-08-06T14:43:00.000-05:00

Much like the Steve Nash debate, Fitz disagrees with my analysis, and one comment tells me that I "obviously don't watch enough basketball to know what your talking about."

Well if there's anything I do know, it's basketball. And if there's anything I definitely watch enough of, if not more than necessary, it's basketball.

So this time I'll explain myself by rebutting Fitz's and "ZukeMorty's" arguments.

I've got to say that I don't understand the logic of the trade for any team involved in the trade, with the obvious exception of the Miami Heat, who absolutely stole three great players.

I can explain this:

Boston: Boston is clearly starting a youth movement centering around Al Jefferson and hopefully (for them) Gerald Green. They got Qyntel Woods, once thought the next McGrady and still young enough to turn his career around. They move Walker and his overpaid 6 year contract to the Heat and got back money and second round picks, which are non guaranteed contracts, as well as a couple of big white centers, one of which may pan out yet. Walker was an unrestricted free agent, and Boston had no intention of keeping him or Payton, so getting something out of nothing was the result.

Memphis: Memphis gets Eddie Jones and Raul Lopez to replace Posey and Williams. While that's certainly nothing groundbreaking, Memphis will have cap relief sooner as a result. If they got worse, it's barely worse.

Utah: Ok, I admit I don't have a clue what the Jazz were doing. They already gave up on Kirk Snyder, sent to New Orleans. And Ostertag is Ostertag. Obviously Lopez was no longer starting with Deron Williams there. Since I don't know the contract situations of Ostertag/Lopez, nor do I care enough, I won't bother analyzing this further. Simply put, the Jazz went from bad to bad.

New Orleans: A no brain deal for them since under NBA rules they have to put a team on the floor. Rasual Butler is a decent swingman with a pretty good perimeter game, and Kirk Snyder is a young project.

At that point, Fitz called Jason Williams, Antoine Walker and James Posey "great" players. "Great" players don't shoot 41%, 42% and 35% respectively, unless they're Allen Iverson...

After I pointed out that those players are far from great, I was greeted by Mort's commentary.People who assume the Heat will have chemistry problems only had to watch Walker work his way out of Dallas in one year and Williams work his way out of Sacramento quickly as well.

Walker went from starter to benched in the playoffs while in Dallas, despite playing for on Nelson, who like Walker has never had a preference for D. It was the ridiculously bad shot selection out of the 6'8 power forward who chucked up about 5 triples a game.

Jason Williams worked his way out of Sacramento by passing the ball into the stands more than into the hands of Chris Webber. Averaging 4 turnovers a game in under 35 minutes in Year 2 was quite a feat. Williams has finally dipped to a more normal number of 2 turnovers a game in about 30 minutes under Hubert Brown and Mike Fratello in Memphis, but his career 39% shooting doesn't help much.

Even Posey was a malcontent in Houston and was injured on and off throughout last year.

I've heard it said that Williams and Walker won't fit 'cause they both need the ball. Bull Shit. Williams wants the ball just to pass it and Walker is a perfect 3rd scorer.

Williams will be the point guard, but the primary ball handlers for the Heat's system will obviously be Wade and Shaq, which means that the Heat need the other 3 players to stretch the floor. Thus they had Haslem, a decent mid range shooter, Eddie Jones and Damon Jones, the latter hitting the 2nd most triples in the league last year. Williams struggles to hit 30% of his 3 point attempts each season.

And I have no idea how Walker is a perfect 3rd scorer. The guy has never been a 3rd scorer in his life. He's been the same 19/8 in 35 minutes with 20 shot attempts for his entire career. He's taken about 1500 shots per season every year except for his 1100 in Dallas. Walker is a career 41% shooter, and he's at 32% behind the arc despite taking an average of 400 triple attempts per season in the last 5 years. For the first time, it will be sensible for Walker to drift to the perimeter. The problem is that obviously Eddie Jones was a more natural fit at 3 on both ends of the floor for Miami.

In sizing up the Heat against the rest of the East, Fitz says the following:

In the mean time, the only team in the East that made an effort to get any better was the Nets. The Pistons are arguably the same, and the Pacers will be roughly the same team they were this year.

While I agree that New Jersey didn't leapfrog the Heat, the Pistons are still the same team that came within a bad 9 minute stretch of repeating. And obviously the Pacers "added" Artest and a ready to play European point guard, which can't hurt when Tinsley's the starter.

Every other Eastern conference team is right about where they were last year, if not worse like the Celtics. But it's pretty difficult to claim that this trade hurts the Heat, at least for the next 2 years and the relative short term.

The Bucks clearly did not get worse or stay the same.

I don't think the trade helped the Heat at all on either side of the floor. Their offense just added considerably worse perimeter starters who averaged about 10 more shots per game than last year's counterparts, Eddie Jones and Dame Dash Jones. On the other end of the floor, the thought of watching Antoine Walker guarding small forwards is hysterical, and Jason Williams has never played defense. Posey, if he can stay healthy for a change, is a decent replacement for Eddie Jones, and he's probably a better fit than Antoine Walker on both ends of the floor as well.

And with the short term established, this trade obviously kills the Heat in Years 3-6: Shaq will be gone or unrecognizable, Wade will be maxed, taking the Heat's cap with him, and Walker will be completely untradable as he will be pushing late 30s.

Thus, this is how Miami ran on their sword. Much like the Steve Nash debate, I believe the impending season will prove me right.

"We Been Adored For Keepin It Raw...

2005-08-06T14:34:00.000-05:00

...nothin less or more."

And with that simple formula, Prodigy and Havoc made a name for themselves in the world of gangsta rap.

Until now. It seems that two of the least gully rappers of all time have decided to sell out, no homo juelz santana, by riding 50's gravy train.

Forgive me for being late on the news, but I was completely shocked at work when I turned on the Pop station in Milwaukee last week when I heard the usual 50 bubblegum garbage and the stupid singing hook.

Then I heard what sounded like Havoc and then I heard the unmistakable P mumble talk, and I realized that Mobb Deep is officially dead (for those keeping count after Infamy anyway).

The sad thing is that the beat for the song had so much potential, especially the tweak in the beat that reminds me of Extortion with Meth/Raekwon off Hell On Earth. If the Mobb had done this track alone, cut out the pop elements and did something along the lines of Got It Twisted caliber on that beat, they'd have been on their way to a good start for another album.

Instead, it is what it is.

Mobb Deep: 1991-2005

Jimi Hendrix = They Ghey?

2005-08-03T00:02:00.000-05:00

I know Hendrix was always into wearing some pretty flamboyant shit, but I always attributed it to that "Killa Cam girlie colors is different and hip" tip, albeit 30-40 years earlier.

But, no homo Juelz Santana, it's possible that Hendrix was also adept at the skin flute

In regular visits to the base psychiatrist at Fort Campbell, Ky., in spring 1962, Hendrix complained that he was in love with one of his squad mates and that he had become addicted to masturbating, Cross writes. Finally, Capt. John Halbert recommended him for discharge, citing his "homosexual tendencies."

First it was Malcolm. Now Jimi?

Before Hendrix even owned a proper guitar, he played air guitar using a broom, then a beat-up hunk of wood...

But there's more.

After his discharge, Hendrix formed a band with former Army pal Buddy Cox and began touring Southern clubs on the "Chitlin' Circuit."

No Homo Juelz Santana: that was more than enough for me.

Jim Morrison > Jim Hendrix

The Miami Heat Run on Their Own Sword

2005-08-02T20:21:00.000-05:00

When Miami traded for Shaq last year, packing Odom/Butler etc. for a clearly over the hill fatso, I was positive it was a mistake. I was certain the Heat wouldn't come close to winning it with Shaq, and as he got progressively worse, so would the Heat. Then, in a few years when Shaq's gone, they'd have Wade and nothing else.

So I admit I was surprised at how efficient the Heat were this past season. Haslem was a decent role player, Wade got ridiculously better and it doesn't really matter how that happened, Ed Jones was ok and Damon Jones decided he was going to make some triples consistently. Throw in Dooling hitting close to 60% in the playoffs, and the Heat damn near got to the Finals. They would have been mauled by the Spurs, but they would have proved this doubter wrong.

With the Pistons likely not getting any better, and with Lawrence Brown taking his charade to the Apple, the Heat, who were 3 minutes away from the Finals, had just as good a chance this season to get to the Finals by standing pat. They've accomplished that by resigning Haslem and Shaq.

Instead, it appears the Heat are going to run on their own sword. Everyday the Heat are getting closer to trading for Antoine Walker, Jason Williams and James Posey, while they would give up Eddie Jones, a dreg to be named later, trade exceptions and draft picks.

In otherwords, they're adding 34 shots per game while giving up Ed Jones's shots. I'm too lazy to look up how many Eddie shot this year but it was 13 max. More importantly, the individuals who took those 34 shots shot a FG% of 42%, 41% and 35% respectively. Outside of Posey, their defense is garbage.

I can understand moving Jones and getting Posey in return. That's basically a fair swap. But the Heat would also be adding two other players in Toine and Williams who shoot poorly, dominate the ball, and have never taken kindly to playing reserved roles (did Toine in Dallas not happen?). With these moves, No Homo Juelz Santana, the only possible result is that these guys would be handling Wade's balls and taking shots from Wade/Shaq. I'm definitely no fan of Dame Dash Jones, but how much sense does it make to put a worse shooter at 1 and throw Toine into the mix at 3 on a team that creates so much space with Shaq?

Meanwhile, Shaq signed today for 5 years/100 million, effectively hamstringing the Heat's cap until he retires. Pundits can keep pretending Shaq is bigger than the 20/10 he averages these days, but the simple truth is that Shaq will not make clutch free throws, he will not average more than 20/10, and he will be gimpy by season's end. Shaq will only continue to get worse, just like he has over the last 3-4 years.

In the end I'll be glad when these moves happen, because I don't like the Heat, and because the ruined chemistry of the team with these trades will eclipse all the goddam talk about the Anthony Mason signing that pundits credit with turning the 00-01 Eastern Conference Finalist Bucks into a non playoff team in 01-02.

No homo Juelz Santana: are those the types of mugs you want to ball with?

Laguna Beach

2005-08-01T19:05:00.000-05:00

I think most of us can pretty much agree that MTV is about 95% garbage, 4% Sunday Stew and 1% Real World/Road Rules Challenge, but I still couldn't get over how pathetic MTV got when they busted out a show called Laguna Beach, which was sort of supposed to be a reality TV version of the OC.

Although I know of the OC's popularity, I don't watch it so I can't comment on it. But I did catch plenty of Laguna Beach thanks to Mad Dog's ~~somewhat illegal~~ obsession with Kristin, who was a junior in high school during the filming of the show.

There's just one problem with Laguna Beach; there was pretty much nothing good about Laguna Beach. It was a bunch of minors doing a bunch of rich snobby/high schooler's type of shit. Meanwhile, the overarcing storyline was supposed to be that LC, the protagonist blond dumb as doornails snob, wanted to pop her cherry with metrosexual Steven, a dumb as doornails snob, but Steven was already fucking Kristin, the antagonist blond dumb as doornails snob. And, since all these bitches are snobs, they formed their separate combined 80 IQ cliques that hated each other. To make things even worse, the other bitches on the show are just plain ugly, which is extremely surprising considering that every mother living around that area must be a trophy wife.

And that was pretty much the entire show for a dozen episodes. I honestly figured by the end of it that the ratings were down to

So imagine my surprise when I found out last week that they're making a Season 2 of this crap, presumably because they couldn't figure out anything better than the Andy Milonakis Show.

I can only think of one reason why there's a Season 2.

Laguna Beach: Now Completely Legal

Lil Jon's Next Uniform = Joe Johnson?

2005-07-31T19:29:00.000-05:00

In what would likely be the most stunning and most unfortunate turn of events in the NBA Free Agency Season, it seems that Phoenix utlity man Joe Johnson is set to take his unspectacular game to Atlanta, and get this; Johnson actually wants to play for the Hawks, where he will team with a dunker, an underperforming forward and a bunch of dregs to win about 30 less games than his team the year before.

Johnson apparently was upset about being the 4th wheel, even if he still put up 17/6/4.

Only one individual was happy to hear the news.

*YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH*

Hating a Team

2005-07-28T20:18:00.000-05:00

After last week's lighthearted joke about the Overbay Game in reference to Fitz's repost of a regular season Cards-Cubs game, I just noticed in the comments section that Fitz "assume[s] that [I don't] truly HATE any team in sports."

And I've come to the conclusion that just maybe he's right, but it's not my fault. Blame it on the great state of Wisconsin and my age.

The NFL

Hailing from Wisconsin makes 99.99% of us Green Bay fans by birthright, and understandably so (Nasty Naus, actually, is one of the .01%ers). No Homo Juelz Santana, as a typical but not rabid Packers fan, I'm well aware of the history of the Bears-Packers rivalry. Since these are two of the oldest and most successful franchises in NFL history, and given their location, the rivalry makes sense. And there was certainly some bitterness in the 80s, with highlight reel replays like the Packers lineman bodyslamming Jim McMahon after a play.

The problem is that the Bears haven't been good since approximately 1987. I was simply too young to follow the NFL at that point; I only began to follow the NFL with the ascension of Don Majik Man Majkowski in the early 90s when the Packers made the playoffs for the first time in forever. That gets to the root of the problem: the Bears have been so laughably bad for nearly all of my existence that it's impossible to hate them. In fact, I find myself rooting for them once in awhile, and Nasty Naus is a big Bears fan.

The team I probably do come closest to hating is the Minnesota Vikings. But my disgust with the Vikings is shared by most people, thanks to:

Thankfully, the Vikings have either been laughably bad or the biggest chokeartists in any sport during their existence. Seriously, their NFC Final loss against Atlanta was one of my top 5 favorite sports moments of all time, which says a lot about our teams.

The NBA

The Bucks have actually been consistently good but never great since the 80s, except for 5 terrible years under Mike Dungleavy in the 1990s. Their biggest rivalry in that period has probably been the 76ers, who I definitely don't like, but don't hate either.

If the team I dislike the most is the Vikings, the Jordan Bulls run a close second, but that was general disgust at the dickriding (no homo) of Jordan and the Bucks being terrible.

The MLB

When you're a Brewers fan, the only individuals you hate have Selig in their names. For example, tonight the Brewers are losing 3-0 after 7 innings despite only giving up one hit, which just so happened to be a 3 run shot by pitcher Brad Hennessey.

With that said, I loved rooting against the Angels and Red Sox until they won World Series, if only because they had it worse off than Milwaukee fans. Luckily, that leaves the Cubs, and now that I think about it that Bartman episode may be one of my Top 5 sports moments of all time as well.

The NHL

Wisconsin is one of the coldest states in America. Phoenix is one of the hottest places on the planet. We have the Milwaukee Admirals from the IHL, but since I'm not Fly, I don't care about minor league sports.

Sans an NHL team, I've rooted for the New Jersey Devils since my family's originally from there. But I don't watch the NHL until the playoffs anyway.

The Rest

I can't think of any other high profile sports teams, since Milwaukee's not affiliated with any of them. In fact, our most successful team is the Milwaukee Wave from some sort of soccer league. They keep winning their title. The fact that Milwaukee's best team kicks the ball on grass (no jokes about the Brewers here please) is almost enough to bring me to tears.

So forgive me if I don't hate a team. Blame it on the Badger State.

Diabolical Schemes of Fat Girls

2005-07-27T21:36:00.000-05:00

For the past 2+ weeks, as I mentioned in a previous post, I've been working at a bank in a department that, of 12 people, consists of 8 fat middle aged women, a fat 20 year old female intern and 3 guys. Needless to say, I weigh the least in the department.

But as I've been thinking about the situation more, and believe me when I say I have plenty of time to think about things, I wondered if there was ever anyway possible that 9 heavyweights of this sort could randomly work in the same department.

And then it hit me, nhjic. It made perfect sense for fat girls to swarm in bunches, because it makes the ~~best looking~~ least disgusting fatty more appealing. If someone is desperate enough to take on anything, and I mean anything, then a fat pack offers at least one fatty a decent chance at "tonz of fun."

No homo Juelz Santana, but I've been testing my theory, with myself as the subject. And as I walk past the horde of ugly fatties doing whatever they do during the day, I find the little fatty intern looks a bit better each time. On my floor there is only one decent looking girl around, and she's Hispanic. Since I have no desire to work with customs or the INS and I only got a C in Spanish, my options would be limited if I was desperate.

So from here on out, my advice to everyone is to avoid fat packs before their diabolical scheme gravitates a poor soul to them. Also, if I'm right, it would definitely be beneficial to the cause to go out with retards and various forms of deficient individuals, since it would make you the lone option for action among the group.

No homo Juelz Santana, I hope my enduring anguish and suffering can serve a higher cause.

Discovery Discovers Problems

2005-07-27T21:18:00.000-05:00

So yesterday the spaceship took off, and it turns out that they still have issues with falling debris during takeoff.

Assuming the Discovery wasn't fatally hurt, NASA officials are calling it "luck" that serious damage was averted.

Otherwise reentry would have been hotter than a Great White concert.

Miss America Pageant: Cripples Edition

2005-07-24T20:43:00.000-05:00

Tonight, Yahoo alerted me to a competition I had never heard of. I'm talking about the venerated Miss Wheelchair America Pageant. And I must say, I'm terribly disappointed with the results.

Meet Mrs. Kristen Connors, a 33 year old Islander of Rhode. In addition to "raising awareness about issues related to living with disabilities," Connors has also raised awareness on just how ugly the cripples circuit really is. Seriously, there isn't a better looking cripple than that? A few more whacks and maybe Nancy Kerrigan would have won 1st place in a competition after all.

But it wouldn't be a competition without some controversy. Incredibly, Mrs. Connors ~~rose~~ got to the top of the 2 foot heap only after another cripple had been stripped of her ~~ounce of dignity~~ Miss Wheelchair state's title when it turned out that the crippled bitch could stand.

And of course, this one was from wherelse?

The pageant was thrown into turmoil in April after Ms. Wisconsin, Janeal Lee, was stripped of her title when a photograph of her standing appeared in a local newspaper.

You pretty much have to stoop pretty low, figuratively and literally, to fake an injury to win a cripples' award, but that's just what this little Wisconsinite did. Apparently, Ms. Lee got tired of hearing "While you were down there..." jokes from the guys and made a career mistake in front of cameras.

Since Lee had muscular dystrophy, the bitch could apparently stand once in awhile in front of her class of students just so they weren't completely freaked out by their deformed monster of a teacher.

The organization then separated Lee from her title because "she did not fulfill a major requirement expected of a state titleholder."

In fact, while the disease will someday rob her of her ability to stand or walk, she can still walk for up to 50 feet for the time being.

So what have we learned today? No matter how sweet or innocent or harmless these things look, they're still just as nefarious as a human being.

"The Overbay Game"

2005-07-24T13:00:00.000-05:00

Over at Fitz, all the Cards fans are getting nostalgic about a regular season game last year in which Albert Pujols had a good game and the Cards beat the Cubs in Wrigley. I don't like the Cubs any more than any other non Cubs fan, so I don't mind when they lose. In fact, the only thing that can make a Brewers fan complacent about professional baseball is to see a team from Chicago suffer that much worse.

Anyway, Team Fitz is talking about this regular season game, dubbed the "Pujols Game," like it was one of the greatest baseball games of all time. In fact, Team Fitz initially published this post 6 months ago and decided to republish it again this weekend since the Cards-Cubs are playing each other. I probably wouldn't have found the game that amazing the first time, let alone the fact that I couldn't make sense out of some of it.

The score was 8-2 going into the top of the 6th inning, when the Cardinals turned it on. With simple small-ball tactics, the Cardinals were able to score 3 runs and make the score 8-6.

Finally, in the bottom of the 9th, Albert Pujols hit a 2-run home run to make the score 10-8, followed by a Reggie Sanders home run to make it 11-8. But the game wasn't over yet, as the Cubs threatened in the bottom of the ninth.

Pujols finished the game 5 for 5 with 5 RBI, 4 runs scored, and 3 home runs.

But here's my favorite part of the post: "The game propelled the Cardinals ahead in the NL Central, and in 2004 the Cardinals made their first trip to the World Series since 1987."

If you look at the box score, we'll see that the game merely propelled the Cardinals 10 games ahead of the NL Central, on their way to winning the division by 13 over the Astros, 16 over the Cubs, and 38 over the Brewers. I'm sure it must be fun to watch a World Series caliber baseball team, but if you're going to get excited about Cardinals victories in games in which Pujols has a good game, then you'll be excited about 100 times a year.

So let's talk about a real special regular season game. I'm talking about the "Lyle Overbay Game."

Instead of having to republish a post about a baseball game that happened over a year ago ~~probably to temper the pessimism of the World Series sweep~~, The Lyle Overbay was one of the greatest regular season Brewers games in history, and it only happened yesterday.

As opposed to making the division lead 10 games instead of 8, this one has serious ramifications because it could be the turning point in the Brewers season, as we gun for our first 500 season in 12 years.

Coming off a downer the night before, Lyle Overbay took over last night, going 3 for 5 with 2 homers, one of which was a grandslam, finishing with 6 RBIs and 3 runs scored against the mighty Cincinatti Reds. Much like the "Pujols Game" had So Taguchi tie the game for the Cards, the Brewers also saw Geoff Jenkins extend a 16 game hitting streak and Carlos Lee retake the MLB RBI lead with 3 of his own to get to 82.

Now THAT's an important game.

Bloggystyle Presents "Shredded Paper"

2005-07-23T20:47:00.000-05:00

One of the reasons I've been posting sparsely lately is because I've been working out a joint venture on a very important project.

Back during the Myspace Create a Band craze that saw some members of the Mindset Army create notorious rock groups Heartscab and Raw Public, the creators of this page along with various associates formed Shredded Paper, a Dub/Screamo/Thrash group whose sound could only be described as "the sweet transient sounds of Hole mixed with the witty lyricism of Fred Durst."

Admittedly we weren't taking our project, or our new record label, Happily Aborted Fetus Records, all that seriously to start, figuring we were just following the revolutionary trail.

But then some unpredictable things occurred. First, the Mindset Army groups, such as Raw Public and Heartscab, became less active. And second, Shredded Paper was an unexpected crowd pleaser earlier this month at the Backalley Baby Bash concert on the North Side of Milwaukee.

No Homo Juelz Santana, but before we could even get a handle on things, Shredded Paper was blowing up and getting heard. Tip Top Sound Recording Studios contacted us and invited the band to go down and make what Juelz would call some "beautiful fucking things," no homo. The duo put forth some concepts and got a decent distribution deal.

And before you could even say "I swear I've heard this shit before somewhere," no homo juelz santana, local groups wanted to jump on the bandwagon and get involved with Shredded Paper. A few groups have since wanted Shredded Paper to join a tour. The first group to contact us was a poor man's Trent Rezner calling his one man group Laromlab. Frankly, their music sounds like Mr. Rezner-lite put an audio cassette recorder up to the television while playing Mega Man. Then there was Dust From A Thousand Years, who wanted us to join their tour.

Although we considered their options, Shredded Paper has decided to join a hip Milwaukee based group called Blue Plate Special

Shredded Paper made this decision based on common musical influences, particularly this one.

For those who are interested in hearing some of the fledgling work, the band put up about 1/4 of their new album on MySpace.

Sign of the Apocalypse: Dipset Edition

2005-07-21T19:06:00.000-05:00

I know enough about Dipset to know that anything is possible, but in the past week things are getting too weird. First, last week was branded "All Diplomats Week" over at Allhiphop.com, and of course the weirdest, most psychedelic website on the Internets is the Dipset Detox.

But Reknown, a new mixtape joint, was the last straw. Nothing about the track is remarkable. No Homo Juelz Santana, but Cam is horrible, Juelz is average and the beat sounds like a Writer's Block recycle job. But then at the end comes Jimmy Jones, who apparently was gunning for worst album ever if the Dipset Memorial Mixtape is any indication.

Except this time, Jim Jones actually sounded like a rapper, and major no homo juelz santana, he owns Cam and Juelz on this track. That's almost as incredible as a Geoff Jenkins 14 game hit streak.

Eminem Retiring OR Thank Fucking God

2005-07-19T17:49:00.000-05:00

Sorry for not posting over the past 4 days. I realize I made life a bit less good for the 5 regulars who come here daily and the 85 irregulars who come here searching for the calibrations of a black crooner's reproductive organ daily, no homo.

But it's time to celebrate. Because if everything I've read is true, it means that we will no longer have to listen to songs like Just Lose It and Ass Like That on a basis so regular that a laxative couldn't match it. Mercifully, it sounds like Marshall's rapping days are coming to an end.

Just today, the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, my hometown paper, falsely claimed Eminem was the biggest selling rapper in history and falsely claimed Eminem would be going out on top like "Nirvana and the Beatles."

All I can think to say, to quote Just Lose It, is *HA HA HA HA HA HA*

Marshall has sold nearly 40 million records, a feat made much less impressive when you realize 2 million people with poor hearing or mental deficiencies bought the Just Lose It single.

With the good comes the bad. Marshall intends to retire from rapping...so he can continue to work on producing. The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel compared him in this respect to Dr. Dre...

*HA HA HA HA HA HA*

Engagement = Bitches Stealing Your Money

2005-07-15T18:32:00.000-05:00

There has been interesting news regarding a few of my roomates and their considerably worse halves in the past week.

First, Peanuts went through the hassle of getting a ring and proposing only to have his girlfriend of 2 years say "Not yet." While I could envision much worse things happening to Peanuts, like stubbing his toe (nhjic), apparently things and conversation have been somewhat tense between those two since then, and he's probably a little upset about it. In fact, it drove him to drink 15 beers instead of his customary 12 the other night.

Meanwhile, Mad Dog's female fuck companion took offense to the fact that he wants to wait until she's out of school before even considering it. Perhaps I'm just a bit of a cynic, but maybe the fact that the two met and hooked up by both cheating on their former boyfriend/girlfriend at the time has something to do with Mad Dog's hesitance to consider doing anything with this girl besides plug her holes for the forseeable future.

But enough about those two, because I intend to rant about the practice of engagement as a whole, mostly due to the fact that it's archaic, a waste of money and energy, and completely worthless to everyone but a money/glamor-loving slut.

I'll admit that I might not be the expert on relationships because frankly I have refused to enter into one, but it seems to me that nothing changes with an engagement whatsoever. If a person is on the cusp of proposing, it likely means that they are sure of an affirmative answer (besides Peanuts) anyway.

Besides, the engagement doesn't change the status of a relationship. Typically people in a serious ~~monotonous~~ monogamous relationship don't intend to cheat or dump their partner, unless the relationship exists just because a person is too lazy to give up convenient fucking to find something challenging or better (like our Fight Club Friend 1%). Peanuts and his girlfriend "November" have been steady for 2 years, so I would assume the ultimate goal of most any ~~monotonous~~ monogamous relationship is marriage. Engagements are not binding, and they don't serve any tax purposes, so what role do they even play?

The way I see it, they only play one role:

And for men, that role, as Tony Montana would say, is "getting fucked," figuratively speaking of course (no homo). If you're going to be ~~retarded~~ old fashioned, you better prepare yourself for saying hi to the jeweler by saying bye to at least 3 of the best friends you will ever have, Benjamin Franklin 1, Benjamin Franklin 2 and Benjamin Franklin 3. Your bitch better be worth it.

So to sum up engagement as a practice, a man has to spend hundreds of dollars on a goddam ring to give to a girl who is no more bound to him during the engagement than before it. And engagement's one actually important task, preparing a couple for a wedding date or marriage, is usually already being accomplished just by having a steady ~~monotonous~~ monogamous relationship over an extended period of time.

In other words, engagement is pointless, a waste of time, money and energy, and you're even selling 3 of your best friends into servitude to some greedy, probably Tall Israeli, jeweler.

All I can say is if some girl should ever be so lucky as to become Mrs. Whitewater, the bitch better have a cubic zirconium fetish.

Close Encounter of the 3rd Kind

2005-07-15T17:33:00.000-05:00

Da Bank

2005-07-13T20:10:00.000-05:00

On Monday, with GFest ending, it was back to reality for one Johnny Whitewater. And unfortunately, that reality equals no more looking at hot Greek girls and discussing future Greek prospects, no RKellyo.

In fact, reality included starting a job working for a bank on Monday as well, where fate decreed that I would be in a department consisting of a dozen unbelievably fat middle aged women and a fat intern girl to match. It's gotten to the point that I do a double take when I see a girl who is merely overweight instead of clinically/morbidly obese. Outside of one decent Asian girl and a hot girl who looks Hispanic, the job couldn't contain a worse environment, and that's before I mention that the view outside is downtown Milwaukee.

But it's even worse than that. First, I had to train with an unbelievably obese chick who looked like Fatu of the WWF's Headshrinkers.

In the ~~pubicle~~ cubicle next to her is a young black woman, anywhere from 18-25. That's not something to mention, until it's pointed out that while she works on the computer she grinds her big fat ass on her chair. She does this ridiculous dance on her chair all day long, like there's a fucking dildo coming out of the center of her seat, major no homo. So imagine my surprise when I heard that she already has 3 kids, the oldest being 4. If I jacked off tomorrow on her chair while she went to lunch, I guarantee you I'd definitely be sending money out of my paycheck to something other than FICA in 9 months.

Things are gradually settling down now though, as I thereafter trained with a merely overweight middle aged woman today, and tomorrow dawns a new era, where I will mercifully be spared such obnoxious sights and relegate myself to my own office space.

God work sucks.

The Most Senseless Bumper Sticker Ever

2005-07-13T19:35:00.000-05:00

I started thinking about the Support The Troops nonsense last night during the Real World, when that lunatic Rachel started her whole Iraq and the Army Badge of Courage crap, probably because Lacy looks like Uday's corpse. Not only had Rachel deluded herself into thinking that applying bandaids to soldiers was for the benefit of her roomates' freedom, but she tried to argue with the negro Nehemiah that jail is Candyland compared to Iraq. Being a black man, Nehemiah immediately pointed out that while ~~Rachel~~ soldiers may have been digging holes to take a shit, many incarcerated black men are getting shit dug out of their holes, let alone the fact that Rachel was a nurse. Why couldn't Real World get an actual woman soldier like Jessica Lynch on the show?

And at that point I realized that all the morons driving around with those stickers are basically Rachels. I must say I'm getting pretty goddam sick of seeing these fucking bumper stickers everywhere I go, pretty much because they're the stupidest thing ever invented. Here are some questions I'd like to ask about these things and the Down's stricken individuals buying them.

First, do you clueluess dumbfucks who buy those things honestly believe that you're supporting the troops by buying a $2 bumper sticker and proudly displaying it while you're on the way to go order another Big Mac at McDick's (nh)?

Second, shouldn't it just be automatically assumed that 99.99% of Americans support the troops? And I don't mean support as in sending them something, but support as in we're rooting for them? Do you fucktards think that cars not displaying the bumper sticker are filled with occupants rooting against the troops?

Obviously, your bumper stickers that say Support Our Troops are actually saying Support Bush's policies. You assholes driving around with these things have deluded yourselves into believing that anyone critical of Bush's War in Iraq is unpatriotic and hurting the troops. Here's a novel idea: wouldn't it be a better show of support to our troops to get them the hell out of the shithole where 1800 have already died?

Is it a show of support to send the troops to Iraq without having a clue about how to transform post war Iraq?

Is it a show of support to send the troops to Iraq by misconstruing the evidence to take what could have been a justifiable war to build public support on faulty grounds?

Are the troops in Iraq dying for our freedoms? Of course not. Afghanistan is a completely different story, but soldiers in Iraq are dying because they're obeying orders and doing their job. Even forgetting the psychotic Rachel for a second, the simple truth is that the soldiers dying in Iraq are not protecting us from a damn thing. The 1800 who have died in Iraq will have died in vain unless this Administration and you retards blindly supporting it come to your collective senses and figure out a way to rebuild Iraq and transform it into a stabilized, functioning country. That's not supporting the troops: that's getting our troops killed.

And buying ugly yellow bumper stickers is not going to do the trick.

GFest: What We Missed and What We Didn't

2005-07-12T18:12:00.000-05:00

So GFest went down this past Thursday through Sunday, thus the lack of updates. And no homo Juelz Santana, while Nasty Naus, 1% and I were all but cut off from civilization this past weekend, the weekend was unquestionably the weirdest 48 hours of our lives.

So here's a list of what we missed because of GFest and what we didn't miss because of GFest.

What We Missed Because of GFest

Boring Hurricane Dennis News
London Gets Shook
B2K Faggot is Gay. Actually, no homo juelz santana, I'm sure we already knew that.
1%'s sobriety (more on this later). No Homo.

What We Didn't Miss Because of GFest

Thousands of black teens putting on a fashion show in the middle of the church grounds on Saturday night, with anxious police circling their perimeter.

What 1% Didn't Miss Because of GFest

A white trash's fist to his head at the Gametime in Milwaukee. The fight led to the 3 of us needing a police escort to get out of the place in one piece. More on this later.

What We Missed That We Didn't Want to Miss Because of GFest

Talib Kweli at Summerfest.
Bobby Simmons joining the Bucks for some inexplicable reason.

What We Didn't Miss That We Did Want To Miss Because of GFest

All of Sunday night, which contained the most ridiculous string of events that nobody could have ever imagined. Major No Homo Warning: Let's just say that Sunday night involved an individual who won't be named trying to ditch his friends in Milwaukee to go home with Milwaukee's Beast, a 6'7 transvestite named ~~Andrew~~ Andrea, because he was too incapacitated to realize The Thing was not the stunning brunette he thought it was.

Since Sunday Night was by far the weirdest night of our lives, and more ridiculous than all of our ridiculous stories combined, Nasty Naus and I will be discussing this one in a future post.

1% Nearly Gets His Filled

2005-07-07T02:04:00.000-05:00

Warning: Major No Homo necessary for this entire story.

The 40th annual GFest begins this afternoon, an event so important that it prompts Nasty Naus to return to Milwaukee for 4 days everytime. And to get in that GFest State of Mind, we will recount the most ridiculous thing that has probably ever happened at a church festival not affiliated with Catholics.

This story takes place in 2001, which means it was the first GFest since we had hit college, which means we intended to take more advantage of free drinks than we should have. The guy running the tent that we worked in was cool enough and/or drunk enough to let underage drinking go down, no homo.

When the church grounds turn into one big party, the irreverent members who are often making their only appearance of the year really come out of the woodwork. And if there is any tent that has collected and sheltered heretics over the years, it's our tent. Most of us wonder why people pay money to go inside the church when we would pay money to get out of it. The only church 1% goes to each year is this one, and he was born a Catholic. There was one exception among the workers however, a guy named Pete who went to church religiously, bad pun very much intended.

Pete had been a fixture in the tent for as long as we could remember. He went to church frequently, was extremely intelligent, generally friendly and drank frequently. In fact, he seemed to be a quintessential example of the typical Shishkabob Tent volunteer. Drinking enough to get loose and have fun without going overboard, Peter was capable of entertaining the tent single-handedly on occasion. Peter took money from customers while he was in the tent, making him responsible for the inevitable customer inquiries about the ingredients, particularly the white cucumber sauce that the Greeks call tsatsiki. With a straight face, Peter would tell customers that the tsatsiki was “cow cum,” no beasto. That our tent sells out each year is probably the church’s proof of miracles on Earth.

Saturdays are always the busiest day each year, but more importantly, it's the longest. The Festival gets running in the morning, and we had not developed much of a tolerance for alcohol. Add free 32 ounce cups to the mix, and the result obviously entailed major insobriety. We didn’t think of this as an issue because, in addition to the 3 of us going, 1% was bringing along his sister (no incesto), because she liked working in the tent as well, and she could designated drive. No Homo Juelz Santana, but outside of grilling meat in the tent, there was minimal risk of injury as well.

The 2001 GFest had been completely normal, almost too normal, heading into Saturday night. And that's where the story starts.

JDub: Well I think things picked up when we went back to the tent from watching the bitches dance. Right?
Nasty Naus: Yes. I still had the sweet sounds of Bazuki strings in my ears when we got back to the tent. I guess the first red flag was that the tent was typically full of adults at this time. But on this night, the only adults were the chairman and Pete, and a bunch of kids about 10. In otherwords...
JDub: We had a lot of free time as well as unfettered access to copious amounts of alcohol?
Nasty Naus: In otherwords, 1% was about to get completely hammered with basically no supervision. That's not a good idea.
JDub: So by 8 p.m., with only 2 hours left, customers slowed to a trickle and those of us willing to drink began to do so heavily. This included Nick, the guy running the tent, never one to shy away from drinking despite his responsibilities. It included Pete, never one to shy away from drinking, period. And it included the three of us, never ones to shy away from drinking when it was possible.
JDub: And in the tent, no homo Juelz Santana, Pete and 1% took customers' Lincolns and Hamiltons in the front while the two of us flipped pita bread in the back, if I remember right.
Nasty Naus: Actually, JDub's main job in the tent was walking pitchers back and forth between our tent and the Beer tent, which back in the glory days was only 10 yards away. These days, finding the Beer Tent is like trying to find Natalee Holloway.
JDub: And that's when they started. You remember they?
Nasty Naus: Yup, SOCIABLES
JDub: I always thought that socials were done for drinking games. But not to Pete. Pete was randomly and nonsensically shouting "Sociables" constantly, trying to get the 5 of us to drink together.
Nasty Naus: NHJSJIC, we maybe went along with it a few times, but 1% could be counted on each time to drink along with Pete to a "Sociable." Subsequently, while the two of us were only drunk at 9 (with one hour left to go), 1% was beyond that.
JDub: I'd say that's about right. 1% had reached that stage where he was acting maniacally. And at about that time, I had to break the seal. After all, it wasn't like I was going to be missing anything...
Nasty Naus: Or so it seemed.
JDub: Actually, ironically, I suffered the shittiest action of the night when I drunkenly stepped into mud that was too dark for me to see and completely fucked up my shoes and socks, to the extent that I just tossed them in the stall and came back barefoot.
Nasty Naus: Meanwhile, 1% had hit the wall Dale Earnhardt style and gone from his Fight Club/maniac demeanor to just plain incoherent, unable to stand and barely able to speak. 1% sat down in the middle of the tent and Pete stood next to him.
JDub: Just my luck, I got back in time to witness this. /sarcasm
Nasty Naus: Despite his religious ways, Pete had conveniently ignored a few important Biblical passages.
JDub: Well, at least one. Leviticus 20:13.
Nasty Naus: With me, JDub and Nick as witnesses, right in the middle of a tent full of people, Pete went for the kill.
JDub: This was pretty much the conversation between Pete and 1% verbatim, with the rest of us watching and listening in disbelief.

First Pete, noting the obvious, said "Wow, you're pretty drunk. Do you need someone to drive you home?" 1% was still coherent enough to note that he had a designated driver, and Pete was clearly too drunk to drive himself.

Pete then told 1% that he could drive him home and that 1% could crash at his place. 1% asked where he would sleep in such a case, and on cue Pete replied, “My bed or the sofa.” 1% could only muster a laugh at the suggestion, but the rest of us had to make it clear to Pete that 1% was heterosexual and didn't need a ride. Major no homo. ,
Nasty Naus: I think it's safe to say total silence engulfed the tent for the short remainder that the GFest ran. And I'm sure it surprises nobody that Pete never showed his face in the tent again.

Epilogue

Obviously the story doesn't end there. Pete did turn out to be a queer, and that's truly the abomination Leviticus said it was, but Pete was not "surely put to death" as Leviticus stipulated for those who "lieth with mankind." Instead, Pete moved to Chicago to take a position as a bigwig in some business firm. As fate, or Divine Intervention, or whatever would have it, Pete's older, heterosexual brother began working in the tent after him, a constant reminder of Pete's legacy. Everytime we see his brother, no homo Juelz Santana, we give 1% a whole bunch of shit as a substitute for the whole bunch Pete wanted to give him. Major no homo to this entire paragraph.

No Homo Juelz Santana: Pete is a peter puffer.

I Survived GFest 2004

2005-07-05T11:45:00.000-05:00

For most people, the point of a Church Festival is to celebrate the church community and raise funds for the maintenance and upkeep of the Church. Granted, it's been mostly about getting wasted and eating free food for us, but we've always understood the grand design for the Church Festival.

The problem is that the patrons who come to the grounds free of charge don't always see it that way. Arrests are made every year, and the offenses range from packing heat to urinating on people's property upon leaving the Festival. Years ago, Nasty Naus and I decided that instead of calling it Greek Fest, we'd simply refer to it as G Fest.

Most of the disturbances in the past were blamed on the Rides section. While the rest of the Festival has something to do with the church or Greek ethnicity, the rides are their own independent section. And of course, with the notable exception of Tupac, the rides section is where the minorities congregate. So steps had been taken in the past to shut down the rides earlier and beef up police presence.

Well, last year proved that it was an unmitigated failure. Everything was going normally until Saturday night. In what was one of the oddest decisions of all time, someone decided it was a good idea to put a live American band on a stage in the beer tent, a shitty one named Rhythm Method at that.

So what happened? At the same time the rides were shutting down, forcing hundreds of people onto neighboring streets and garnering ill will, some drunk fools jumped up on stage with the band and did their little mosh routine on stage. Before the 5-0 could react in time, outright mayhem and destruction started going down in the beer tent while the rides' patrons got rowdy just off the grounds. Incredibly, our Fight Club Friend, 1%, was in the beer tent getting hammered while it was all going down and was completely oblivious to it, walking away from it unknowingly while it went on around him.

At the end of the night, 30 arrests and 80 citations were made, and the 5-0 reported shots fired, property damage, cruising and an attempt to overturn a Milwaukee County bus. Nasty Naus survived by not being there, and I unwittingly survived by lounging around in the Shishkabob tent getting wasted and unsuccessfully hitting on girls.

So what changes were made for the G Fest this year to avoid a repeat? The church is removing all references to "Greek Fest," changing its name to the "Annunciation Greek Orthodox Church 40th Annual Family Festival." They also moved the rides to the other corner of the churchgrounds, away from the beer tent.

Regardless, it's clear that you can take the GFest name out of the festival, but you can't take the GFest nature out of it. Surely, the improprieties will continue around the House of the Lord.

In anticipation of the start of GFest on Thursday, Nasty Naus and I will retell our most ridiculous Festival story ever tomorrow, also known as one of the most unpleasant experiences of our Fight Club Friend's life.

Weekend of July 4th

2005-07-01T14:03:00.000-05:00

This day is a very important day. Today's the 142nd anniversary of the Battle of Gettysburg. More importantly, today is the day I leave for G's Cabin in Rhinelander. Yes, that's the same place where The Bet went down only 2 summers ago.

Thus I'll be spending the weekend tubing, jet skiing and hopefully restricting myself to activities strictly involving the lake and the Twins.

So unless Nasty Naus displays a rare burst of creativity and updates, this page won't be up to anything until Monday. Next week is also the G Fest, so Nasty Naus and I will be counting down the worst of the worst GFest stories in anticipation. As you'll soon learn, Tupac's appearance was just the start.

Til then, try to stay out of

State of the Bucks

2005-07-01T01:39:00.000-05:00

Now that free agency has arrived, it's time to pull a Fitz and do a homer post about the Bucks. And before you get on my case, consider the other hometown teams in the commode we call Milwaukee.

Anyway I know all of you were excited when the Bucks turned a 6.7% chance of winning the lottery into a success. After last year's disaster, coupled with basically the entire 1990s, we desperately needed a break, if only for my sanity. It's just a shame we were 2 drafts late.

So we add Bogut and probably Ford back to the lineup this year, and in the blink of an eye the Bucks could crack the playoffs again next season.

But when your team's general manager is a guy who turns into a palsy simply by learning he has won the lottery, you quickly realize things can go wrong quickly, in a variety of ways.

Mike Redd bolts or Mike Redd annihilates our payroll

The latter is much more likely than the former. I'm not saying Larry Harris is Jerry West or R C Buford or anything, but not even Isaiah Thomas would have kept Redd at last year's deadline without serious assurances (read: promise) that he would resign. Of course a ~~Carlos Boozer~~ complete asshole could break his promise and, no homo juelz santana, really stick it to the team, but Milwaukee did take a chance on an erratic 2 guard coming off a horrible year at Ohio State, so loyalty should be worth something.

The problem is teams will drive up the bidding on Redd, who might be a Top 10 2 guard, and Redd will come close to making the max when he's probably worth 2/3 or 3/4 of the max.

After we sign our Goon Squad restricted free agents, we'll be out of cap space, locked in with a roster of young point guards who are virtually the same player, a good 2 guard, Desmond Mason, and the ugliest, whitest frontcourt in the last 20 years, no homo. We can't afford to blow all potential cap space.

The New Coach

I'm not saying Larry Harris is Jerry West or R C Buford or anything, but not even Isaiah Thomas would have fired Porter days before the draft without lining a better coach up beforehand...

But I'm getting concerned that Larry Harris is no Isaiah Thomas.

For the past few weeks, Milwaukee's writers and fans have been reassuring ourselves that the race for the coaching vacancy was "Game Over" with the imminent arrival of ~~Lil~~ Flip Saunders, bad pun very much intended.

However, in the past two days, NBA sources have said that TERRY STOTTS and DOUG COLLINS are also frontrunners.

A league source said Thursday that the Bucks were waiting to hear from the 53-year-old Collins, who is pondering the coaching position and could make up his mind by this weekend.

Thankfully, Stotts is now out of the running. Unfortunately so is Eric Musselman, probably the best option for our young team.

Still, I think we'll mostly get it right. So here are my pre July predictions for the Bucks' upcoming season.

Coach: Flip Saunders

Depth Chart:

TJ Ford/Mo Williams
Mike Redd/Jiri Welsch (still can't fucking believe that one)/Dez Mason
Dez Mason/Someone yet to be signed/Kukoc
Joe Smith/Zaza Pachulia
Andrew Bogut/Dan Gadzuric

We also have Calvin Booth, First Team All Ugly and Reece Gaines under contract. The 2nd round pick probably makes the roster unless we get lucky and sign a free agent like Stro Swift.

Record: 42-40. I think it'll be good enough for 7th-9th place.

NBA Draft Recap

2005-06-29T15:01:00.000-05:00

So the draft finally went down after all the hoopla and hysteria last night, and it proved to be just as surprising as predicted. I've since recovered from my embarassment of calling Billups vs. Parker a wash, and built up my ego by pointing out that I correctly predicted 14 of the 15 series and the Spurs still won with Chauncey playing badly in Game 7.

Anyway, here are my rants and raves about the draft.

Bucks take Bogut

Despite the great white stiff label, Bogut ended up being the consensus choice, especially after Marvin Williams had to take 2 breaks during a 45 minute session in Milwaukee last week. Bogut's workouts went better than Marvin's, and so this choice had to be made.

The semi-retarded ESPN Insider, Chad Ford, passes off Marvin Williams as the best player in the draft like it was a fact, even though Marvin played backup to 3 of the next 12 individuals drafted last year, and even though Marvin is only 18 and clearly a project who will take years to develop. What a dunce.

The Point Guards

So there was a run on point guards, with Deron Williams even surpassing Paul with the Jazz taking him 3rd. Both will be good, although ESPN's comparison of Paul's college numbers to Baron Davis's in an effort to make him look like a better 1 than Davis for New Orleans was the dumbest damn thing I saw all night.

Felton at 5 for Charlotte was the first horrible pick of the night, seeing as how Felton probably could be had by Charlotte at 13. I guess taking local products (they also grabbed May) was more important than building a winner.

Worst Pick of the Night

The Raptors taking Charlie Villenueva at #7, when he was slated for the mid lottery. And even the mid lottery was too high for this dreg. Villenueva is the same dipshit that considered skipping college and half-assed his workouts so badly that scouts actually walked out of the gym in the middle of them. He then ran his mouth after signing with UConn and let Gordon and Okafor do all the work.

Villenueva is going to be a bust. A Tractor Traylor type bust, and I should know.

Upside

The worst part about the NBA draft is that there are usually only a handful of players who make an impact on the league each year. Even in the vaunted 2003 draft or the 1996 draft, probably the 2 best drafts in the last 15 years, only about 1/4 of the players drafted become regular rotation players.

But here is just an excerpt of what this draft class would provide if the analysts were correct.

Jason Maxiel/a mini-Ben Wallace
Martynas Andriuskevicius/once considered a top five pick.
Ike Diogu/Elton Brand
Koroley/a Toni Kukoc type
Ilyasova/could be a Andrei Kirilenko type of forward
Louis Williams/an Iverson knockoff.
Martell Webster/a Glen Rice-type player

2 of those players were lottery picks, and yet all of them sound like they should have been a top pick. And of course, most of the above players will never amount to anything in the NBA.

It's definitely time for free agency.

Bloggystyle Exclusive : Tupac Is Alive

2005-06-28T11:50:00.000-05:00

We've worked at the Greek Festival for about 10 years, viewing hundreds of thousands of people each time. As you can imagine, when you're seeing that many people, there are plenty of outliers to point out, mock, scorn or laugh over. In fact, we'd come across so many that my friends and I would create them in NBA Live and could fill 4 teams with all made players. No Homo Juelz Santana, but retards, hippies and miscreants of all shapes and sizes have always made for good viewing.

Still, it's the celebrity sightings that are the most interesting. One year it was the George W. Bush look-a-like, the next it was the Governor campaigning.

But nothing ever compared to the Summer of 2003, when Tupac Shakur and a weed carrier came up and ordered a Shishkabob from our "Fight Club Friend," 1%. Even more amazingly, throngs of people were not rushing him or even recognizing his presence. I guess that's what almost 7 years of faking one's death was for.

Anyway, Nasty Naus and I were intent on making absolutely sure that we had documented proof of Pac's appearance. As we took the first picture, which we didn't think was going to turn out, Pac, his instincts heightened (major no homo), made a mad dash away from the Tent, as if he had just beaten the shit out of a Crip in the lobby of the MGM Hotel.

But, No Homo Juelz Santana, Pac wasn't thinking all that clearly probably due to taking lead to the dome in 94. Because Pac had only gotten about 30 yards away when the tantalizing smell of loukamades (honey puffs) drew his attention and forced him into line. Like a bunch of crazed paparazzi, Nasty Naus and I ran toward the general vicinity and, to further document our proof, took a side profile shot of Pac (major no homo).

Upon viewing the pictures, both of which turned out better than we expected, we realized we were sitting on a potential gold mine. But instead of selling out and making thousands off Pac's resurrection, we have decided to make these pictures part of the public domain so all of his fans and detractors can see for themselves.

And so, Bloggystyle presents to you: Tupac Shakur alive and well (and eating a ton of Greek Food) in July, 2003.

Pac, Weed Carrier, and some Greek tard (Greetard) who is not 1%

Fantastic Four: Worst Movie Ever?

2005-06-28T11:31:00.000-05:00

So this new movie called the Fantastic Four is coming out, and it's gotten its fair share of hype and all. And I understand that my declaration that this movie could be the worst movie ever may seem presumptuous because I haven't seen it, and it's still a week away.

But I can provide a pretty good case with a few pictures.

The movie makes this woman play an Invisible character.

I rest my case.

Batman and Mr Smith

2005-06-24T19:52:00.000-05:00

Generally I go to see movies in the theaters about as often as renowned film critic Gene Siskel.

But I set some sort of personal record because I've seen 2 movies in theaters in like a 7 day period. Granted there were extenuating circumstances in each case.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith

I saw this one mostly because I didn't have to pay a cent to see it, and I wasn't doing anything else. If the clique's not around and the only ~~professional~~ sporting event on television includes the Milwaukee Brewers, it's the "Pitts," bad pun very much intended.

Anyway, I hadn't heard anything about this movie except for the previews, but the plot was quite predictable. The dialogue was witty enough to keep me from falling asleep, and the action scenes were average enough.

The movie is 2 hours long or so, which was a good 20 minutes too much. No Homo Juelz Santana, the movie had way too little Vince Vaughn, and it would have had a whole lot more potential if we had restricted access so that mommy and daddy would have had to accompany 16 year olds.

Anyway the movie's going about as well as I expected until the last 15 minutes, which is the most outlandish, unbelievable sequence I think I have ever seen, even for an action movie.

Batman Begins

I've never been a fan of comics, or any of the well known superheroes. Not only that, but the Batman TV show was far and away the most overtly teh ghey television program of all time. God only knows what was going on in the Batmobile. And we know where the Ambiguously Gay Duo came from. No homo to this entire paragraph, if not this whole review.

Anyway I can't keep track of all the Batman movies, and I'm not even sure what the motivation was for making this movie. Since it's called Batman Begins, it starts with the origins of Bruce Wayne (what a gay name, nh) becoming Batman.

Maybe I'm not the best judge of a Batman film. It's not that I didn't like it, because it was pretty good. But it certainly was not the 83rd best movie of all time, as it currently rates on IMDB.

The acting was acceptable for this type of movie. The action scenes and cinematics were good, the plot was decent. The love interest angle was pretty much discombobulated, though that might have something to do with the fact that this film was clearly setting up a sequel.

The problem with rating this an 8.4 out of 10 (like 25,000 people on IMDB) is that this movie was basically the same as the first Spiderman. In fact, if anyone can point out any differences, I'd be interested to see them. At least this movie didn't have Kirsten Dunce or Tobey Maguire (an even gayer name than Bruce Wayne), not that Katie Holmes or the Michael Keaton wannabe are all that special.

This movie is important in that it probably signals the end of normalcy for Ms. Holmes. Joey from Dawson's Creek was her usual self in this shit, and this is probably the last chance to see her as a normal human being before the Scientology takes hold.

Tard Blog, G-Fest and a Tard Run-In

2005-06-22T20:29:00.000-05:00

Though we've never bothered to write too much about tards on this page, we've had plenty of tard run-ins.

That's why finding Tard-Blog.com was an absolute revelation. Supposedly, a few teachers of tards decided to share their demented reality with the rest of us non tards. Jay Z once admonished us not to "knock the hustle," and if people are willing to make their money by putting up with those antics, more power to them.

Some people "knocking the hustle" believe that the site's authors are not really teachers, because most tard teachers don't go to great lengths to insult and mock their little tards. But stories like these are too ridiculous to be figments of the imagination.

Which leads us to our tard story, courtesy of our church's annual Greek festival, or as we call it, "G-Fest." With this year's GFest being about 2 weeks away, we'll be discussing it a bit more on this site, but for now back to the tard story at hand.

One of the biggest draws to this church festival (the biggest in the country held on church property by chance) is that twice a day for all 4 days a bunch of hot chicks do ethnic Greek dances in conjunction with some teh ghey men. But after their routine is over, spectators are allowed to join in the dancing.

Since I'm not a guardian or possessor of a tard, I can only speculate that sometimes it's beneficial to a person's sanity to take their tard out in public on a nice July day and hope the tard's attention is kept by dancing women. Unfortunately, one tard guardian (from now on we'll call them tardians) decided it'd be ok to let his middle aged tard dance after the routine was done.

No Homo Juelz Santana, but in prepping for the upcoming GFest, Nasty Naus and I got on the topic of this little jig, so I interviewed the eyewitness who had a front row seat for destiny.

JDub: how would you describe Randy J Smythers' dance in one paragraph?
Nasty Naus: one paragraph?
Nasty Naus: thats like trying to condense the Bible onto one page
Nasty Naus: well to start, he must've been autisitic, because he clearly had a talent for performance
JDub: i'd call it a flair for the dramatic. But you were a witness, explain the moves specifically.
Nasty Naus: the moves were mixed, with masculine, almost primal stomps. they reminded me of the spasms of an Indian tribal dance
Nasty Naus: I guess you could describe him as the tard world's Terrell Owens
Nasty Naus: Demanding attention, and delivering when all eyes were on him
JDub: what exactly would you call his moves? they were like a two step in place or something
Nasty Naus: Although I'm a neophyte in dance couture, even a novice like myself could see the influence of famed 1920's Jazz two-stepper Edmund Riley's "Charlestown" dance movement.
Nasty Naus: his synergy smacked of Riley's jazz-americano style with the powerful emotion of sub-saharan "dance-drumming" beats
JDub: Wow.
Nasty Naus: We witnessed a real talent.

Seeing a tard's immaculate dance, while not an everyday event, isn't all that ridiculous in and of itself.

But after stealing the spotlight for a few minutes to the delight of the crowd, no homo Juelz Santana, the tard decided it was time to publicly show some love to the man who made it all possible: his tardian. And the tard did so the only way he knew how.

JDub: Explain what you were thinking when the tard started saluting his tardian like he was a brigadier general, again and again, for 5 straight minutes?
Nasty Naus: No Homo Juelz Santana; I was mesmerized.
JDub: did the salutes summon some patriotic sentiments in you? nhjic
Nasty Naus: they were an eclectic combination of styles, as he kept running in place. I could almost hear the melodic chords of our National Anthem in my head while I watched.
JDub: As a witness myself, I can only describe the tard's salutes as stirring. It reminded me of the end of Saving Private Ryan. You just knew the tard was saluting because some poor tardian had pretty much sacrificed his life that that tard might live.
Nasty Naus: if I had one question to ask him, it'd be "Where Does Your Inspiration Come From? no homo

In due time, we'll be discussing more GFest stories, including celebrity appearances, stories about bitches, man style drinking, and riots.

Where Legends Are Born

Professional Sports Getting Out Of Hand

2005-06-22T19:56:00.000-05:00

I understand professional sports is a business and means more to some people than just a game, but things are getting ridiculous.

^ No Homo.

Real World Austin

2005-06-21T23:42:00.000-05:00

It's become more and more clear over the past few seasons of Real World that the producers are simply throwing together the biggest collection of misfits and social pariahs possible, adding alcohol and then watching them do the stupidest fucking thing. Then the Real World aims to go even more over the top the next season.

Up until now, I thought this was some pretty stupid shit. But it appears as though they finally mixed all the proper elements together, and if the first two episodes were any indication, this season could get hectic.

The Cast

They've got the standard set of characters, minus a peter-puffer on the guy's side (major no homo). The token black guy, the Midwestern hick and some pussy ass fool from Massachussets with a ridiculous accent. For once, every guy in the house likes to chase skirt, thank god. The black guy seems normal, the Midwestern hick knows how to do nothing but drink and be obnoxious, and the Massachussets guy...well more about him in a bit.

As always, the Real World found 4 of the biggest bitches possible to put in the house: 2 hotties (one of which hails from Wisconsin), a weirdo and a girl so average in every way that her nickname could be 5.0. While the 2 hotties do nothing but tease everyone, the weirdo, basically Kelly Osbourne without the name recognition, is off in her netherworld. Meanwhile, the average girl was a nurse in Iraq, and based on the trailers will probably let us know about her tour of duty more than John Goodman's characater in the Big Lebowski. I do have my doubts however; nothing about her expansive waistline suggests she was on the MRE plan to me.

So anyway, if the blueprint sounds like a hallmark for the normal Real World behavior, the first two episodes pretty much destroy the myth.

Most Predictable Event

Everything starts out predictably. First everyone arrives, gets annihilated and jumps in a hot tub. The next day, when they all have to be sober, the minorities congregate during the sobriety period. Then at night of course, the roomates all get hammered, the white guys and girls get rowdier, the Peruvian bitch's inability to speak English becomes apparent, the black guy gets outcast, and mayhem ensues. In fact, it was more predictable than normal, with all the white people and Peruvians eventually getting into trouble, and then blaming everything on the token black guy.

Most Unpredictable Event

But somewhere along the way, between all the drama with drunk chickens, the inner rage of a misunderstood black man, and the obnoxious antics of white guys with too much testosterone (nhjic), something incredible occurred. And if you didn't catch the episode, it's certainly worth your time.

Because once the drunk cast, minus the protection of the token black guy, go drunkenly wandering into the streets, they get in a shouting match with a bunch of people that then escalates into a brawl in the middle of a street. And at that point, no homo Juelz Santana, while the hick's anal virginity is being taken from him by a bunch of dudes, another guy takes the teh ghey Massachussets kid, puts him down on his knees and then punches the everloving shit out of his face, breaking a bone beneath the eye that's gonna require surgery.

So we've learned two very important things: Being from Massachussets and having an accent doesn't make you C.T., and as H-Town sensation Mike Jones would have said, "Don't Mess With Texas."

Wimbledon Predictions

2005-06-20T01:03:00.000-05:00

Among major league sports right now, we have FreeDarko.com specializing in the NBA. Then there is the whole Team ~~Homers~~ Fitz covering the MLB (sorta).

And while I discuss those sports once in awhile, the simple fact remains that nobody in the Mindset Army covers tennis.

I have deemed myself qualified after my French Open predictions, where I correctly guessed 2 semifinalists (with another one of mine in the quarters), and I correctly guessed that Nadal would beat Federer and his Finals opponent in 4 sets. And the French is the most unpredictable of them all.

So I'll try to recapture that magic (nhjic) with Wimbledon, which starts today.

Final 16

Federer vs. Robredo
Johannson vs. Davydenko
Hewitt vs. Puerta
Ancic vs. Safin
Haas vs. Novak
Nalbandian vs. Nadal
Henman vs. Grosjean
Ljubicic vs. Roddick

Final 8

Federer vs. Davydenko
Hewitt vs. Ancic
Haas vs. Nalbandian
Grosjean vs. Roddick

Final 4

Federer vs. Hewitt
Nalbandian vs. Roddick

Federer wins in straights, Roddick wins in 4. Then Federer beats Roddick in 4.

As usual, nobody gives a shit about how the bitches do, but that hog Lindsay Davenport will probably win.

And of course, no post about tennis would be complete without:

And since Kournikova's career achievement was reaching the Semis of Wimbledon, here's a pictorial shoutout to her too.

Thanks for the memories Anna

Least Gully Rappers

2005-06-19T16:07:00.000-05:00

I crossposted this entry at DJX's site, where I'm guest blogging while he's on vacation.

Bol recently did a least gully rappers entry, and I thought it was necessary to put in my 2 cents.

Bol picked FatherMC, Pete Rock, Sticky Fingaz, Prodigy and Cassidy. Some amendments are in order.

Of Father MC, Bol said "More or less forgotten today, Father MC was actually pretty big back in the early, early '90s. He had a string of successful singles...he was already pretty much gone from the scene by 1993."

No Homo Juelz Santana, but given that description, I think a less gully rapper fits the profile.

As for Pete Rock, since he's clearly more renowned for his production, I'll substitute another producer who thinks he can rap in Pete's stead.

It's definitely impossible to argue against P, although I think Havoc The Dwarf should be added. Even if we combine those two, we still have one very ungully creation. I'll put Havoc in Sticky's place (nhjic).

No Homo Juelz Santana, but I have to admit that until the recent charges against him, I was pretty sure that Mashonda could beat the everloving shit out of Cassidy. That guy definitely needed that "One Shyning Moment" to erase his ungully factor. Since I don't know if he's guilty or not, I think he should be disqualified until we're sure.

So who should take Cassidy's spot? Nelly is too obvious. Bol considered Pac but he's definitely disqualified for shooting cops.

What about The Gayme (nh)?

Consider his resume.

#1 - Before he was a popular rapper, The Gayme got served on Change of Heart by a bitch who of course dumped him.

#2 - The Gayme has/had a tongue ring. We all know what tongue rings are for.

By the way, The Gayme admitted that both of those points are true.

#3 -

Not only did The Gayme willingly accept a kiss from Fifty in public, but as we now know, that whole squashing the beef thing was bullshit from the start. So in otherwords, Gayme simply got kissed by Fifty for nothing.

And when Gayme's not telling G-Unit to suck his dick, major no homo, he's trying to beef with Carmelo Anthony. There are simply no limits to Gayme's ungulliness.

I think we have to include an individual who isn't a professional recording artist but put out music anyway. That's the easiest, least controversial decision of all time.

And one more, who pretty much defies proper description but is definitely necessary.

So I've nominated Gayme, Mobb Deep, Pharrell and Vanilla Ice. I'd be remiss not to include an Honorable Mention, so here it is.

Honorable Mention

Nothing about Twista is gully.

Take your pick.

No Homo Juelz Santana: Between him and Kanye, it's a true tossup.

Dipset Memorial Day Mixtape Review

2005-06-19T00:06:00.000-05:00

In honor of our brave veterans, the Diplomats decided to drop a Memorial Day Mixtape. I'm sure we're all very aware of how patriotic Jimmy Jones, Killa Cam and Human Crack are.

Then again, this site and the people who visit it aren't exactly models of compassion (nhjic), and the truth is all I care about is whether or not this mixtape is any good. So on to the review.

Intro

Good thing Juelz lets us know that it's Dipset in the house. The bad news is that Jimmy Jones is the next Dip member dropping an album. Juelz and Cam have albums coming out "soon," which actually means "later."

Juelz - What The Game's Been Missin

The beat's bouncy. The track's all right, although it's weird to hear him talk about Cam's Purple Haze, which came out over half a year before Memorial Day.

Hell Rell, JR Writer, 40 Cal , Jim Jones, Juelz, Un Kasa - Harlem Symphony

Just about everyone jumps on this collaboration, which of course isn't a good thing. Whether it's 40 Cal and Jim Jones being terrible, Hell Rell taking 22 2s lines, or Un Kasa being anywhere near a microphone, this track was clearly destined to fail.

Juelz - Santana's Town Part 2

The first Santana's Town was one of the only bright spots on Juelz's debut album, featuring one of the tightest Dipset beats of them all. Unfortunately, this track is only a preview of the whole song, which is coming on Juelz's next album. The 30 seconds that we hear sounds good, but not as good as Part 1.

Juelz - The Edge

The beat samples a track that is escaping my head for some reason. It's upbeat, but Santana doesn't really speed up the flow enough to keep up with it though.

Hell Rell - Back In The Building

Heatmakerz produced this beat, and while it's nice it's nothing spectacular by Heatmakerz standards. The beat reminds me of Crunk Muzic.

As for Hell Rell, I think he's the Bizarre of the Dipset. "This my dope from Africa straight from the motherland. Your girl can't suck a good dick but your mother can."

Jim Jones - Baby Girl

Based on this title, I immediately thought this had the potential to be the 34th entry to the Worst Songs Ever tournament. And that was before I found out the fucking track was almost 8 minutes long.

After a minute of Juelz talking more garbage about how Jim Jones's last album was "a beautiful fucking thing," major no homo, we get into the track.

No Homo Juelz Santana, Jim Jones is his typical terrible self. The beat is blah, and they got those reggae guys doing the hook. Whoever's doing the hook, they pronounce Dipset like "dipshit."

The track is 8 minutes long because of a 3 minute interlude at the end. Of course it's worthless, but by cutting off a Jim Jones special it served its purpose.

Cam'ron and Hell Rell - Get Em Daddy

Cam's intro is, "They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. That's why I look in the mirror everyday and see how fly I am."

This was supposed to be a sequel of sorts to the well known Get Em Girl. The beat for this track is definitely an improvement over Jimmy's last track. And while Cam sometimes drops lyrics so absurd they're humorous, in this case they're just corny.

And this might be Hell Rell's worst verse among all the mixtape joints he's on, which is saying something.

J.R. Writer - Freestyle

For some reason, Juelz is talking a whole bunch of shit as an intro for almost every fucking track. It's almost like he was designated the weed carrier for these proceedings.

I'm pretty sure this Writer track showed up on Writer's Block Volume 2, and I question my decision to review that the first time, let alone a second time.

J.R Writer, 40 Cal, Hell Rell - Best Out

It wouldn't shock me if this beat was used on one of the tracks from Writer's Block Volume 2. The beat's not that bad, but it's so similar to just about everything J.R. Writer shows up on. Hell Rell raps, "Deliver bullets to your door like they're Domino pies."

Then I did a quick look and found that yes indeed this track was already on Writer's Block Volume 2.

40 Cal - The T.V Real

40 Cal is lame. Period.

Juelz - See my Clip

Juelz taks the beat from the Ying Yang Whisper song and then whispers his verse while reenacting a stick up. The theme definitely works, and Juelz pulls it off well for the most part, except for the hook. I'm guessing this is the tightest track on here.

Juelz and Fabolous - So What's It Gonna Be

For the third time, Juelz talks about a whole bunch of tourist spots like Cancun and Puerto Rico, Jamaica and Yugoslavia. I'm not even kidding. According to Juelz, Yugoslavia is one of those "fun type of places." What the hell?

Yet again, the beat is a sample from a track that I can't name even though I should be able to. The track itself is probably Santana's worst one on here. Fabolous is his usual self, nhjic.

Hell Rell - Get Back

Every Hell Rell track has a similar beat. And Hell Rell tells broke people to get away from him because being broke's a disease. What a joke.

With that said, this is the fastest flow Hell Rell has probably ever dropped. As far as Hell Rell's concerned, this isn't bad.

Cam'ron, Juelz, 40 Cal, JR Writer - Bubble Music Remix

This is a remix to the popular Purple Haze track. 40 Cal is a poor man's Hell Rell, which is saying a lot. Writer flows slowly, which is his death knell (nhjic). This is one of those instances where Juelz is completely terrible. Cam sounds incoherent like usual.

The original track was more than enough apparently.

Jim Jones and Trey Songz - Summer Wit Miami

This is a Jim Jones love song...I think we know where this is headed.

And still you couldn't possibly understand how terrible this song is without hearing it. Seriously. I'm assuming this is going to be on Jim Jones's album as well. It's definitely shaping up to be the worst rap album of all time, no Aaron Carter.

Juelz and Paul Wall - We Don't Give a Fuck

How many goddam mixtapes does this track have to appear on before it's retired?

Cam'ron and Juelz - Get Down

I think this is one of the worst beats on the entire mixtape. So Murphy's Law of course determined that Cam'ron would drop his ~~least obnoxious~~ best verse of the mixtape on it, as if that means anything. I can't even figure out what Juelz was trying to accomplish with that hook or the final verse.

Juelz - He's The One Your Thinking Of

Since this is the last track, Juelz shouts out all the Dipset peeps and homies and he professes his love to them all, major no homo. Juelz tells us that he directed his own Mic Check video and that "it was a beautiful fucking thing." No Homo Juelz Santana, but how many beautiful fucking things are there in the Dipset World?

The beat is a light, soul type thing. It's not a very good track in any sense.

All in all, some of the tracks are all right, and the best part about the Dipset is that you can immediately tell which tracks are complete garbage just based on who did them. So if you're looking for something that might be play worthy and not interested in reviews, that's a big help.

Ridiculous College Story #1

2005-06-18T00:08:00.000-05:00

"The Bet"
Of all the mischief and mayhem that came with 5 years of college drinking, much of it forgotten due to drunk haze, only the simple phrase "the bet" could bring immediate recognition of a singular event for all of us. Those two words were an unmistakable reference to our most ridiculous story during college.

I was going to put this up earlier, but I decided not to post it so soon after stories of The Nugget, specifically his sexploits with a member of the AARP. As you'll see, there are some similarities, and admittedly The Nugget's Story is more ridiculous than this one. But this story is worth telling if only as a warning.

Main Players

Mad Dog, Minus Ogre. He could never fully pay me back for this one (nhjic)

G and Mad Dog.

Peanuts, Minus The Ogre

Wingman Savant

Role Players

In August 03, the 4 of us went up to Rhinelander, WI where G owned a cabin on a lake. We met a few other friends there, "JP" and "Feene." In the cabin next door lived a hot blond our age named Jenny, henceforth known as "Jenny From The Dock." "Jenny From The Dock" was notorious for webcamming herself for us months prior during the school year, and we all knew that she wanted to "catch rabies" from the Mad Dog so to speak. What we didn't know was that she was bringing a friend...

The Background

We planned for the weekend to be relatively straightforward, involving beer, brats, boats and, in the case of Mad Dog, a bitch. There was plenty of tubing and jetskis etc. to keep ourselves entertained (nhjic). We got up there on a Thursday night really late, drank a bit and went to bed not knowing that the next day, Friday, August 22, 2003, would be hellacious.

Friday was rolling along innocently enough until about 3 pm, when Mad Dog went over to visit "Jenny From The Dock." Staying with Jenny was a friend named Danielle, who just so happened to be her exact opposite. Whereas Jenny was a toned, long haired attractive blond, Danielle was a fat, short brown haired beast. After exchanging formalities with all of us on our dock for a few minutes, the girls went back to Jenny's, with the intention of coming back to drink with us later in the night.

The Bet

All of us went into the cabin to eat dinner around 5. While doing so, G told us that Danielle in years past would never leave him alone, and he talked about how much he hated her. It was so bad that G joked that he would give someone a barrell just to keep her away from him. While we thought that was humorous, the ante was upped until the bet evolved into fucking her. Mad Dog and Peanuts vowed to buy someone a barrell for that, and "JP" said he'd put forth 5 more, so it was up to 8 half barrells to do her. I refused to put in a barrell because Peanuts had recently broken up with the Ogre, and, no homo juelz santana, it's clear that almost no girl is really beneath his level. Despite the jokes, none of us really took the bet seriously.

After eating we continued drinking at a picnic table outside and started the bonfire. We played typical drinking games, and the two girls showed up drinking UV blue vodka.

By about 10 all of us were drunk and scattered across the property on the lawn or on the dock. An hour earlier, "JP," feeling the effects of the alcohol, threw in 3 more barrells, so the bet was now up to 11. Since I was on the verge of being annihilated, I was drunk enough to consider the bet but I was hoping Peanuts would take the bet, since those barrells would then be imbibed back at school by all of us.

Eventually I was sitting at the picnic table with Jenny and Mad Dog, who had grown more flirtatious. The fact that these two were inevitably getting ready apparently annoyed Danielle, who had become even more obnoxious than a typical fat bitch as the night progressed. Anyway, Jenny started giving Mad Dog a backrub, which prompted Danielle to do the same...to me without even asking me if I wanted one. She immediately asked me why I was so tense; it wasn't really any wonder to anyone but her.

At this point I realized I could take the bet, but I was still hoping for Peanuts to do it, nh. Peanuts then broke the bad news: he wasn't going for the bet.

The Conundrum

So at about 11 pm, I faced the following situation. Mad Dog was trying to get with Jenny From The Dock but faced an inevitable cockblock from her friend who was staying at her house. Meanwhile, 11 half barrells had been offered simply for fucking a girl, which at least wouldn't have to be time costly with this bitch. And Peanuts, who had wavered on taking the bet, had decided not to, while it was becoming clear that I had the opportunity to take it.

Thus I decided to become the most selfless, considerate individual in history for my friends. A little before midnight, I informed them that I was going to take the bet. Since this bitch was a virgin (of course), the guys anticipated that even she might be hesitant to lose it, despite the obvious fact that it was probably the only opportunity in her life to do so. The point is, if I went through with foreplay and didn't get to home plate, I would lose the bet. I immediately downed more alcohol in the hopes I wouldn't remember my actions.

Since I was sacrificing myself for the team, I made damn sure that these guys recognized it. Eventually I took the bitch over to an air matress and fingered her, within sight of everyone sitting at the picnic table 20-30 yards away. That of course got everyone to run inside, and after that she went inside and played cards, while I stood behind her, flashing 11 fingers at Mad Dog and JP and repeating "11 Barrells." JP was completely stunned as he considered the damage about to be done to his checkbook.

At about 12:30, the moment of truth came: I walked into one of the bedrooms with her and closed the door and shut off the lights. Immediately, I encountered a problem: she said she didn't want to fuck, insisting that I was trying to sleep with her, and she refused to believe my canard about being a virgin as well. On more than one occasion she actually asked me why I was messing around with her, and I obviously didn't give her the straight answer, opting for the silent treatment.

After 30 minutes that seemed like an eternity, she agreed to go the distance. Incredibly, due to being completely hammered, it was only then that I realized I had forgotten about the necessity of a condom as proof of winning the bet. I didn't know and didn't ask Mad Dog where he had put them since I didn't think I'd ever have to know this weekend. I figured my previous actions and words would be enough proof so I stopped "prematurely" and determined that I had just won the bet.

I immediately told the bitch to get the fuck out, and with her leaving in the morning I figured I'd never have to see her again. She put on her shirt and pants and went flying out of the cabin. At least, that's what we thought.

I came out after she had left and the house was in an uproar. As it turned out, Mad Dog had gone to Jenny's after I commenced Wingmanning. It turns out that I had been a worthy wingman: I had given him more than enough time for Round 1 and he was in the process of Round 2. Danielle, upon leaving our cabin, immediately ran over to Jenny's and told Mad Dog to get out. Mad Dog started laughing out loud at her: it turned out that she had put her pants on inside out and was wearing Feene's shirt (which couldn't possibly have fit her), since he had stayed in that room the night before. Mad Dog then went to the can before realizing he had forgotten his watch.

Part of the bet was that there had to be certifiable evidence that the bet was won. Without a condom, I didn't have the evidence. It's likely that this wouldn't have mattered, but after he left Jenny's room, Mad Dog listened outside the door to the two bitches talk for a bit. Danielle said to Jenny, "Everybody told me it'd happen sometime. Well tonight was that sometime." Of course, Mad Dog came running back to the cabin laughing his ass off with the certifiable evidence that I had won the bet and thus 11 half barrells, worth approximately 750 dollars. For 30-45 minutes of work, this was quite a payday.

The rest of the weekend of course consisted of non stop jokes, the best of which was when Peanuts asked me if the bed still had legs on it. I immediately replied, "If the bed had legs, it would have run."

The Aftermath

Everyone involved honored the bet. JP still owes 3 barrells worth.

For fear of a fatass retaliation, the girls have never been told about the bet.

We still go up to G's Cabin at least once per summer. We now restrict ourselves to beer, brats and boats.

Unfortunately, the girls do stop by everytime to say hello, making the scene the most awkward 1 minute of all time for everyone involved. Thankfully nobody has taken Danielle's picture so for the sake of my sanity my brain obscures images of her quickly.

Old People Dying: Hubie Brown Edition

2005-06-16T18:03:00.000-05:00

No Homo Juelz Santana, but recently members of the Mindset Army have really gotten into the useless old people should die state of mind.

Now I have no problem with Darwinism forcing old bags to cast their lots 6 feet under, but since I'm a relatively affluent white male, I don't really care how much oxygen and other necessities are being consumed by the old bags either. Frankly, as long as they leave me alone, I don't care what they do.

But if I'm forced to deal with one I don't like, then it's a different story. So instead of rooting for random old bags to die, I'm simply going to root for one.

Hubert Jude Brown, who we all unaffectionately know as Hubie, knows a lot about basketball and was a decent NBA coach. He somehow got the Grizzlies winning, and apparently he can even get the other J. Dub to play the point and tone down the theatrics. I had no problem when he was coaching; if a 70 year old guy can get the ballers to pay attention, that's even more impressive.

But despite all that goddam basketball knowledge, Hubert Jude Brown doesn't have a fucking clue how to articulate it, which makes it all the more amazing that he's been employed as an announcer and analyst at TNT and most recently ABC. Typically, nobody wants to listen to a normal, arthritic old man in the first place, which makes Hubie's role as "color" analyst even more dumbfounding. Bill Simmons mocks Brown in just about every column about the NBA, bringing back all those agonizing analyses during the NBA draft about potential and upside.

Unfortunately, the NBA Finals are exclusively on ABC. No Homo Juelz Santana, but instead of getting Steve Kerr or Tom Tolbert or Bill Walton, we are instead forced to listen to Al Michaels and Hubie Brown.

Michaels has been one of the best play by play announcers for years, and he's ok with basketball, but where do I start with Hubie, major no homo?

#1: During one timeout while Hubert gathered up all his assistants, before talking to White Chocolate et al, Hubert fainted and had to be caught by one of the assistants. Actually, no homo juelz santana, that even happened this season during a Duke game to "Coach Gay", but since he's not a boring color analyst, we won't wish death upon him just yet. A few more games and 100 more views of his goddam credit card commercial could change my mind though. Anyway, Hubie's color analysis is the most obnoxious and so boring it makes you want to emulate his fainting spell.

#2: Hubie is (obviously) way too fucking old for the job. When Kid Rock or Marshall are shown courtside, Hubie clearly doesn't know who they are. Maybe in Hubert's heyday it'd be Frankie Blue Eyes and Where Have You Gone Joe Dimaggio, but those fuckers are already pushing daisies. When Anita Baker's enormous fatass is shown on my screen, I want someone who can identify the whale to me.

#3: Hubie's laugh. If you watched Game 3, you know what I'm talking about. If you didn't, be glad and try to forget I mentioned it.

#4: Inevitably during the games, there will be a few times where the camera will be focused on the analysts instead of skank cheerleaders. Guess what we see on that occasion?

The only thing worse than listening to him is looking at him.

I could go on, but I'm sure you all get the point by now. I guess we don't necessarily need Hubert Jude Brown to actually add "the late" to the beginning of his name, but if he could be incapacitated somehow (nhjic) for the next 2 weeks, I will be infinitely more happy.

Talk to him more and talk to us less.

Most Worthless Study Ever

2005-06-16T12:21:00.000-05:00

Apparently I'm going into the wrong type of career, because apparently people get money to do worthless research like this:

"Older people with better social networks with friends were less likely to die over a 10-year follow-up period than older people with poorer friends networks," Lynne C. Giles of Flinders University in Adelaide, Australia, told Reuters Health.

But in what may come as a surprising finding to older people who rely on their children and other relatives, having a large network of relatives was not associated with longer life, Giles and her colleagues report in the July issue of the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health.

Giles and her team are not sure why friends seemed to help people live longer. They speculate that friends may influence people to engage in more healthy behavior, such as not smoking or not drinking too much. Another possibility, according to the researchers, is that friends may help boost people's self-esteem.

"The list of answers to this question is potentially long and complex," according to Dr. Carlos F. Mendes de Leon, of Rush University Medical Center in Chicago, who is the author of an editorial that accompanies the study.

It amazes me that not only can people get paid for this bullshit, but that these people don't commit suicide for being a general waste of life.

Lil Jon = Unpunkable

2005-06-14T11:58:00.000-05:00

In the annals of Punk'd history, Kutcher and his gang of pranksters have pulled ruses that made Justin Timberlake cry, Jessica Alba gawk and exposed Kanye West as the arrogant bitch that he is.

And judging by the accompanying mugshot, I'm sure Kutcher and MTV never thought Lil Jon would be a formidable adversary; if anyone could be Punk'd, it should be that crazy motherfucker (nh). But the tables were turned as Lil Jon proved to be unpunkable.

The prank, which reportedly took Kutcher and MTV many months and much moolah to plan, centered on customs agents telling a Las Vegas-bound Lil John that he and his peeps were actually on their way to Ecuador.

But the celebrity humiliation and confusion that accompanies most "Punk'd" pranks failed to materialize as the hip-hopper quickly sussed out the situation, reportedly after identifying a few of the ersatz security guards.

The paper says he then called out Kutcher from the rear of the jet, taunting him, "Come on, you can't punk the motherfucking King of Crunk."

*YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAYYYYAAAAAA* You can't punk the motherfucking King of Crunk, and you want to know why?

Because behind all that Crunk Juice and behind 700 pounds of Eastside Boyz, all you really have is a geek playing a facade of a role and screaming loudly.

The real reason you can't punk Lil Jon is because the real Lil Jon is this:

Jacko Verdict Announced

2005-06-13T15:45:00.000-05:00

Jacko may have been declared innocent of child molestation, despite the "Jesus Juice," but he's still guilty of being the weirdest motherfucker on the planet.

Spurs Win Game 2

2005-06-12T22:57:00.000-05:00

The Pistons are in trouble.

But all of us who have functioning eyes should definitely be hoping that the series makes it back down to San Antonio. Otherwise we might be relegated to portions of Desperate Housewives on mute.

Important Bloggystyle Music Stats

2005-06-12T18:17:00.000-05:00

So DJX, in addition to "letting those motherfuckers know," recently made a post about how much music is on his computer and what the hell he's currently listening to. No homo Juelz Santana, at the end of the post, he "passed" it off to some others, me included.

Apparently this is some sort of chain entry that's getting passed around more than Natalee Holloway. And since we've been so focused on the Worst Songs Ever, I think it's only fair over at Bloggystyle that we acknowledge some of our favorite tracks as well, nhjic.

Total volume of music files on the computer:

JDub - 5 gigs on the current one, but I changed computers in the middle of college. Combined they probably equal closer to 15 gigs.

Nasty Naus - Between two computers, about 7 gigs.

Last CD I bought was:

JDub - The first Rage Against The Machine CD, the self titled one, 2 years ago.

Nasty Naus - Can't even remember.

JDub - I bet the last CD Nasty Naus bought was Kraftwerk. Regardless, at least he's not Dat Wigga Stevo, who copped Big Willystyle (major no homo) from someone or somewhere a few years ago.

Song Playing Right Now:

JDub - I've got a standard playlist of about 300 songs. The one playing right at this second is Talib Kweli - Lonely People.

Nasty Naus - Hyphy by The Federation and E-40.

Five songs I listen to a lot these days:

JDub - No Homo Juelz Santana, but I've listened to Mic Check and Not Fuckin With Dipset by Juelz quite a bit lately. Don't Make Enemies With Me (Original) by Pac. Slaves on Dope - Inches From The Mainline. Fear Factory - Hunter-Killer. And of course, no homo juelz santana, Mike Jones - Dick Don't Fail Me Now. Just kidding.

Nasty Naus - Hyphy, Oh Boy, Ridin Spinnaz, Sublime - summertime and fabolous - throwback.

JDub - You're serious?

Nasty Naus - Yes.

I'm probably supposed to "pass this off" to someone else (nh again) or I'm probably going to be afflicted with bad luck. But after the previous post, I think karma's already working against me in sufficient strength already.

DAWG Stories : Aruba Edition

2005-06-11T21:15:00.000-05:00

DJX recently came up with the term DAWG, which stood for "Dumb Ass White Girl."

While DJX was telling us all his DAWG stories from up here in the North, everyone knows that the South's entire white population all but consists of DAWGs (Guys and Girls). But sometimes the absolute stupidity of these Southern DAWGs still stupifies me.

Witness the episode involving Natalee (only Southern dumbshits would spell that name like that) Holloway. She recently graduated from high school with honors, as if that's an accomplishment in Alabama, and she was awarded with a vacation to Aruba. Being 18, Holloway and her other DAWG friends proceeded to get drunk probably every night they were there, in addition to meeting some foreign strangers.

Normal people would probably throw up some red flags when invited to get in a van with a bunch of foreigners, but not this drunk Southern DAWG. And that, of course, was the last time anyone's seen Holloway. Now, thanks to her stupidity, sensible Americans like you and me can't even get important news from our media outlets without being bombarded with Holloway's story.

"Aruba, Jamaica...ooo I wanna rape ya."

And of course, there's no mistaking where Ms. Holloway got her DAWGness.

Holloway's family believes she is alive, Tom Twitty said.

Worst Song Ever Tournament: Round 1, Part 2

2005-06-10T16:41:00.000-05:00

Now that the voting on the first 4 matchups is finished, the "winners" of these next 4 matchups will round out the top half of the Worst Song Ever Tournament.

Chingy - Right Thurrvs. Smiff-N-Wesson aka Cocoa Bruvaz - Super Brooklyn

JDub: Super Brooklyn is likely a track that most people have not heard, and I don't want to divulge important track details for anybody who hasn't. But it definitely gets my vote.

Nasty Naus: I originally commented that Super Brooklyn was the worst rap song ever when JDub and I were deliberating. I'm not backin away from that choice now.

DJ Xplicit: Although that Coca Brovaz track has the worst hook possibly ever, I'm pickin Right Thurr. You would think that paired up with someone with no talent, a fake accent, and an annoying voice, that there would be something better than whatever the fuck that Right Thurr beat is.

Nelly and Tim McGraw - Over and Overvs. Jefferson Starship - We Built This City

JDub: Almost impossible to pick. I'm going with We Built This City because the track is not only terrible, but it's completely incomprehensible; none of the bullshit they yap about had a fucking thing to do with rock and roll?

Nasty Naus: Over and Over was the most overplayed song on the radio since the Nelly and Kelly track.

DJ Xplicit: Over and Over's probably some gay love song between a terrible rapper and a terrible country singer (nh). I know that "terrible country singer" is redundant, but still.

Choppa and Master P - Choppa Stylevs. Ashlee Simpson - LaLa

JDub: Choppa Style was a DJX selection that I wasn't sure about. But then it got matched up against La La and became a formality anyway. LaLa's definitely got a chance to go deep in the tournament.

Nasty Naus: Maybe the only song that can compete against LaLa is the live version of it from the Orange Bowl, but the 72,000 boos at the end places that version ahead of this version.

DJ Xplicit: Choppa Style was one of the worst songs ever, but LaLa isnt even worthy of being called a song.

Aaron Carter - That's How I Beat Shaqvs. R. Kelly - Thoia Thoing

JDub: Generally, my rule in determining the worst song out of 2 is to choose the one that involved the Pied Piper. But yet again, it's clear that Aaron Carter is advancing this time.

Nasty Naus: As the nominator of That's How I Beat Shaq, I think it's worse.

DJ Xplicit: "That's How I Beat Shaq" is possibly the worst idea ever. Whoever thought making a song about basketball with AC rapping had to be using some fairly strong narcotics at the time. nhjic.

The Gayme Comes Outta The Closet (NH)

2005-06-09T23:02:00.000-05:00

Apparently everything about the Gayme and 50's making up, except for the making out, was fake.

During Summer Jam, the New York tri-state area's biggest hip-hop concert of the year, the Game's frustrations boiled over while onstage in New Jersey's Giants Stadium, and he took several verbal shots at the G-Unit. The rapper also had people dressed up in a gorilla suit and a rat costume — representing 50's alleged snitching — both wearing G-Unit T-shirts and getting beaten in a mocking manner by Game's clique.

Although Gayme first tried to quell rumors by saying "I ain't fuckin with 5-0," he was unable to keep the charade up for long.

Game even yelled "F--- 50" while holding his son in his arms before performing "Dreams."

"I don't follow suit like f----t ass Yayo," Game roared. He later threatened to "knock out" Tony Yayo and Lloyd Banks.

"50 Cent can suck my dick. Tony Yayo can suck my dick. G-Unit can suck my dick."

Spurs - Pistons

2005-06-09T17:25:00.000-05:00

So the NBA Finals (finally) start tonight, and everyone's put in their opinions pretty much.

I correctly predicted the winner of every series but the Sonics/Kings, half of them by the right number of games. But this is probably the toughest series to accurately predict, for a few reasons.

At this point I guess I'll break down each matchup.

Chauncey Billups vs. Mr. Longoria

Most people give the edge here to Billups. I think it's more of a wash than anything else. Billups, while being a Finals MVP, is generally regarded as a clutch player, but I think he's simply inconsistent. There's a reason he's been bounced around before finding Detroit: he's not particularly quick, he's a streaky shooter, he's not particularly effective as a ballhandler, penetrator (nh) or passer. The past few years Rip's actually averaged within 2-3 assists of Chauncey. And Chauncey might hit big shots in big games because his 8 TO performances like Game 3 are what get the Pistons in trouble.

Meanwhile, Mr. Longoria is regarded as a super fast penetrator (nh again) who can be knocked off his game if he gets pushed around. He's a streaky shooter and San Antonio's offense basically revolves around Duncan/Ginobili playmaking anyway. I'm calling this matchup a wash.

Rip vs. Bowen and Prince vs. Ginobili

This isn't really a matchup that can be analyzed, since Bowen is a forward matched up defensively on Rip, whereas Detroit will put ~~Curious George~~ Prince on Manu for the same reason. So I think these two should be factored in together, more than anything, and I'd give the Pistons a slight edge, since Prince can score when necessary.

Duncan and Nazr vs. The Wallaces

Duncan's gimped but has played well regardless. Nazr, as every NBA fan knows, was a total steal, basically swapped for Malik Rose. Ben Wallace almost cost the Pistons the series with his terrible play, but he's not stuck with Shaq in the paint anymore. And nobody knows which Sheed will show up when. For some reason the Pistons never force feed his post offense; it's no wonder they go on 6 minute droughts so frequently.

Since I don't know if Sheed will always guard Duncan, I put these together and give a slight edge to the Pistons.

Benches

San Antonio's clearly got the better bench. The Pistons bring in McDyess, who will have a much tougher series because San Antonio's bigs, unlike Shaq, will actually come out on picks and screens to guard his jumpers. Hunter is simply a horrible shooter, which happened right in the middle of the 2000-2001 season with the Bucks (and cost us the Eastern Conference Finals in the process). Once in awhile they'll bring Hunter in to ~~foul~~ harass Parker and Ginobili.

The Spurs have the indomitable Big Shot Bob Horry, Bones Barry, Beno Udrih and maybe even Big Dog. In addition to all that alliteration, the bench is actually serviceable on both ends of the floor. If Barry keeps hitting shots, the bench will be a nice factor.

Prediction

I gave the Pistons a sizable edge among the starting 5. The Spurs only advantage is a bench that has been inconsistent (and in flux) all season.

So why am I picking the Spurs in 6? A few tangibles:

The Pistons have a bad habit of waiting til their backs are against the wall before they start playing well. San Antonio has a mindnumbing lapse in every series as well, a weird habit itself. But their homecourt advantage will allow for this lapse. In otherwords, these inconsistencies should ensure that the Spurs will get the series back to San Antonio after the 3 middle games in Detroit. While I think Detroit will get one of the first two, I don't think there's any question that San Antonio will get it back in Detroit.

So here is my game by game prediction:

Game 1: San Antonio
Game 2: Detroit
Game 3: Detroit
Game 4: San Antonio
Game 5: San Antonio
Game 6: San Antonio

Thus, Game 2 is San Antonio's lapse, Detroit will play well when they're in trouble (Game 2), Detroit will lapse in Game 4, and since I believe San Antonio is a more complete team than anything Detroit has seen in months, they'll get the last 2, with a very close Game 6.

Although the Pistons won their series against the Heat, the fact that they barely survived against a team with two gimped stars and role players was enough to convince me that San Antonio can take their title.

Iron Mike

2005-06-08T19:49:00.000-05:00

ESPN is commemorating the 20th anniversary of the start of Iron Mike's boxing career. In that time, we've all basically watched Mike's life on TV, ranging from vicious rights and vicious bites to bitches, chickens and pigeons. There have been assaults, threats and jail, and, most important of all, his own classic Nintendo game. And has there ever been a bigger badass on the planet with a more homosexual voice? (nhjic)

No Homo Juelz Santana, for those interested, ESPN has a Tyson special going on this week because Tyson is preparing to beat the everloving shit out of some no name on Saturday. Apparently he's going to make one last effort for a run at the heavyweight title.

In a sport whose biggest name right now is "Winky," just maybe he has a chance.

Let's Get Ready To Rumble

2005-06-07T00:03:00.000-05:00

As those who have been to this site are aware, Nasty Naus, DJX and I have fielded what we consider to be 32 of the worst songs ever, broken down across various genres.

Here's a recap of how we did it. Naus, DJX and I picked 5 of the worst rap songs by region, the worst songs not done by recording artists, the 5 worst R&B tracks, the 6 worst pop songs, the mandatory Mike Jones track, the 5 worst tracks by otherwise good artists, and the wildcard entries.

DJX, that Conoisseur of Horrible Music, seeded what he believed were the 4 worst songs in the field and I randomly drew the rest of the brackets. What resulted was the most competitive tournament I think I have ever seen. So instead of simply having the 5 regulars who come here daily vote on it, I believe the Worst Songs Ever Tournament is a project worthy of the entire Mindset Army.

And since DJX, a key contributor to this project (no homo), is guest posting over at BC Dot C, that is the best venue to open up the voting process to the entire Mindset Army so we can all determine the Worst Song Ever.

So the voting will be done there. For those of you weird enough to want to know what the final bracket looks like before voting on all of it begins, here it is. Bracketology gurus can feel free to speculate in the comments.

x britney spears - soda pop
x 3LW - Playas Gon Play

x Talib Kweli - A Game
x Aaron Carter - Aaron's Party

x jkwon, chingy, murphy lee - tipsy remix
x St. Lunatics - Batter Up

x B2K - Badaboom
x Bojo Bunton - African Pride

x chingy - right thurr
Smiff-N-Wesson - Super Cocoa Bruvaz

x nelly/tim mcgraw - over and over
x Jefferson Starship - We Built This City

x choppa with master p - choppa style
x Ashlee Simpson - LaLa

x Aaron Carter - That's How I Beat Shaq
x R. Kelly - Thoia Thoing

x Aaron Carter - My Internet Girl
x lil bow wow and omarion - let me hold you

x backstreet boys - "donde quieras yo ire"
x Destiny's Child - Soldier

x Snoop Dogg - Gin & Juice 2
x Diplomats - Dutty Clap

x Next - Wifey
x Lil Fip and E-40 - Way We Ball Remix

x Mike Jones - Dick Don't Fail Me Now
x lil romeo, 3lw, nick cannon - parents just dont understand

x Hi-C - Vacation
x 2Pac - Whatz Ya Phone #

x E-40 - Automatic
x Nastradamus - Nastradamus

x baby and puff daddy - do that thang
x Ja Rule - Mezmerize

The voting will be done 4 matchups at a time, so that you don't go deaf listening to too much horrible music all at once.

Update: The Mindset Army's Worst Song Ever Tournament has officially started with Round 1, Part 1 here.

Rounding Out The Worst Song Ever Tourney

2005-06-06T00:01:00.000-05:00

After last round's selections of worst songs done by otherwise good artists, we had accumulated 22 of the most godforsaken tracks ever recorded.

But our burden was far from over. We had to brainstorm 10 more horrible tracks to get the tournament ready.

For such a momentous occasion, no homo juelz santana, I had to call upon DJX, truly a Conoisseur of Horrible Music.

djxplicit09:how did we leave lil romeo and lil bow wow out of this?
djxplicit09: no homo
J. Dub: Aaron's Party?
djxplicit09: yeah
djxplicit09: lil bow wow and omarion - let me hold you
J. Dub: never heard it. sure i don't want to
djxplicit09: lil romeo, 3lw, nick cannon - parents just dont understand
djxplicit09: covering the fresh prince
djxplicit09: same lyrics and shit
J. Dub: That would have been a serious oversight.
djxplicit09: Chingy - Right Thurr
J. Dub: I'm definitely not arguing that one.
djxplicit09: jkwon, chingy, murphy lee - tipsy remix
djxplicit09: baby and puff daddy - do that thang
J. Dub: oh my god, that is one horrible song
djxplicit09: choppa with master p - choppa style
J. Dub: is that worse than make em say unhh?
J. Dub: i forget the hook on this track
djxplicit09: im pretty sure that choppa song is worse
djxplicit09: vanilla ice - ninja rap
J. Dub: that feels like an equal opportunity forced selection to me.
J. Dub: wait, we should put the nelly/tim mcgraw track on just to have a country representative
J. Dub: I think Dipset - Dutty Clap should be on there
djxplicit09: ok
J. Dub: there was this video on Jams one day, i think the song was called Africa
djxplicit09: toto?
J. Dub: it was like an African pride track, and it started naming African countries in the hook
djxplicit09: buju banton - african pride?
J. Dub: Yeah, that's it. The video really accentuates the shittiness of the track. nhjic.

For those who couldn't keep track, here's the final list. A bracket will be constructed soon.

Mike Jones - Dick Don't Fail Me Now, britney spears - "soda pop" , backstreet boys - "donde quieras yo ire", Aaron Carter - My Internet Girl, Ashlee Simpson - LaLa, Ja Rule - Mezmerize, Hi-C - Vacation, Destiny's Child - Soldier, Next - Wifey, 3LW - Playas Gon Play, R. Kelly - Thoia Thoing, B2K - Badaboom, Aaron Carter - That's How I Beat Shaq, Lil Fip and E-40 - Way We Ball Remix, E-40 - Automatic, St. Lunatics - Batter Up, Smiff-N-Wesson - Super Cocoa Bruvaz, Nastradamus - Nastradamus, 2Pac - Whatz Ya Phone #, Jefferson Starship - We Built This City, , Talib Kweli - A Game, Snoop Dogg - Gin & Juice 2, chingy - right thurr, lil romeo, 3lw, nick cannon - parents just dont understand, Aaron Carter - Aaron's Party, lil bow wow and omarion - let me hold you, jkwon, chingy, murphy lee - tipsy remix, baby and puff daddy - do that thang, choppa with master p - choppa style, nelly/tim mcgraw - Over and Over, Diplomats - Dutty Clap, buju banton - african pride

What Does Thoia Thoing Mean In Chinese?

2005-06-05T19:26:00.000-05:00

Any ideas?

A better question is probably why did somebody do a search engine query of that question and arrive here?

This is definitely the weirdest query referencing this site since those little girls (hopefully) arrived here by searching for the caliber of a certain African American Cleveland Cavs owner's whizzinator. Thanks again Naus.

2Pac : Preferred By 1 out of 1 Old Dead Greek Women

2005-06-05T12:19:00.000-05:00

An estranged great aunt of mine died at the tender age of 80 in April, which meant that I ~~was forced to go to church~~ completed my supplication to the Lord at her memorial today.

After the service, my family congregated with her son and his family. We engaged in the typical small talk that people who hate each other and never talk to each other engage in.

We already knew the bitch was loco (even before she went senile), but we were all still amazed to hear that her son had found in her CD collection, inbetween Joe Cocker and Frank Sinatra, 2Pac - Greatest Hits. It still had its packaging intact and everything.

Not realizing the value (let along the greatness) of this gem, this bastard gave it to me. Of course, I already had the double album, but it won't be hard to get a green Jackson out of it.

Churches rule.

The Greatest Nation of All Drenches a Qu'ran

2005-06-04T16:49:00.000-05:00

Only weeks after faux outrage was directed against Newsweek for claiming the Holy Word of Allah met an untimely demise in a Guantanamo Bay commode, the Pentagon now claims that a Qu'ran (and its owner) may have been desecrated by the Greatest Nation of All.

The Pentagon confirmed Friday evening — after the networks' evening news shows had aired — that a U.S. soldier had deliberately kicked a prisoner's holy book. The report also said prison guards had thrown water balloons in a cell block, causing an unspecified number of Qurans to get wet; a guard's urine had splashed on a detainee and his Quran; an interrogator had stepped on a Quran during an interrogation; and a two-word obscenity had been written in English on the inside cover of a Quran.

But there's no need to be alarmed about this, because it turns out that detainees have desecrated their Qu'rans as well.

White House officials noted that the investigation last month, by Brig. Gen. Jay Hood, the commander of the detention center, also found 15 cases of detainees mishandling their own Qurans.

Well if the terrorists are doing it, why can't Uncle Sam?

Lewis Finishes Fudge Packing Sentence

2005-06-03T20:16:00.000-05:00

Convicted of using a celly to do a drug transaction, Jamal Lewis spent the last 4 months in jail, where he said he was "just another number." I guess that's the new euphemism of the day.

"It wasn't easy," Lewis said Friday, a day after the Baltimore Ravens running back completed a four-month sentence at a federal prison camp in Florida.

No Homo Juelz Santana, but I'm guessing it's never easy to have someone making Betty Crocker mix out of your ass.

"I'm not used to getting up that early in the morning to go to work," Lewis said, revealing the slightest of grins. "As soon as you wake up, they're watching your every move. There's no freedom. You don't get to eat what you want to eat. You don't get to move where you want to move.

Not to be Captain Obvious or anything but that's why they call it JAIL.

Anyway, major no homo juelz santana, they didn't come right out and say Jamal's ankle feels better solely because his ass got torn, but just look at the comments people affiliated with the organization were saying.

Billick said. "He's paid his price."

"The football season will seem like nothing now," Lewis said. "That's going to be a breeze after what I've been through."

"It wasn't about Jamal Lewis. You're just another number in prison."

Leave it unsaid, you've said enough. We know what happened.

The Essence of a Pyrrhic Victory

2005-06-03T01:53:00.000-05:00

Miami won tonight's battle, but Wade now has a strained rib muscle. The quintessential Pyrrhic Victory.

The Pistons will likely walk all over the Heat for Game 6, which will lead to a Game 7.

And perhaps it'll be a "Whatchu talkin bout Willis ~~Reed~~" moment for Dwyane entering the court.

But I doubt it. The Pistons will win in 7, and no homo juelz santana, they will do so by climbing onto the back of this man.

Lindsay Lohan Car Crash

2005-06-02T09:59:00.000-05:00

Lindsay Lohan was uninjured in a car crash a few hours ago.

Here's what investigators believe happened:

Lindsay exited a bathroom where she had just left her last meal, and she hopped into a car. Since Lindsay was on her 14th minute of fame, photographer Galo Ramirez rushed to get a picture of her. Since her car began driving away, Ramirez trailed her car because it's hard to focus the camera lens on an 80 pound girl. He eventually bumped her car on accident.

Ramirez, released on $35,000 bail, has been charged with assault with a deadly weapon. That Lohan was uninjured, let alone not broken in half, Ramirez's lawyers will obviously be able to prove the charge ludicrous.

Surreal Life Reunion

2005-06-01T00:34:00.000-05:00

I didn't really pay close attention to the Surreal Life Season 4 on VH1, although I think everyone saw ~~highlights~~ Verne Troyer pissing off his scooter, a hot model lusting for a 50 year old Brady Bunch actor, Chyna make a case for my Rotten.com Deadpool Roster and, best of all, Da Brat calling someone else a has been.

I guess so far as reality TV is concerned, that's a lot of shit happening in one season. But the Surreal Life Reunion recently aired so I watched the entire hour. I learned some very important things.

Chyna

After seeing excerpts of her psychotic behavior on the show and hearing about a past suicide attempt, the number of people picking Chyna in the Rotten.com Deadpool skyrocketed into the hundreds, regardless of her age (35). When hundreds of people are picking a 35 year old instead of someone like Rosa Parks, that's one fucked up 35 year old. But at the reunion, a new and improved, somewhat sober looking Chyna showed up. Now I didn't pick Chyna to succeed with her second attempt in the next year, and I'm even more sure now that she's at least a year + away from relapsing after seeing her on the reunion. At this point, I'd like to give a Shoutout to Eddie Albert (of Green Acres fame) for giving me my second correct croaks (praise be unto His Big Pimpness John Paul II as well).

Adrienne and The Old Brady

These two are now fucking by mutual consent. And that old turd Brady is a year older than Adrienne's mom. Typically models have issues regarding their bodies (see Bol's "Mia" post today), but clearly this one's got mental problems beyond even the model norm.

Verne

To be honest, I don't think his stunt with the "Greatest Nation of All, Urination" from the scooter was as embarassing as appearing in that horrible Ludacris video, but obviously he's never going to live that down. But the sad thing is the guy is snagging hot bitches regardless.

But the most incredible news of all came from:

Da Brat

Like you, I was one of those apparently confused individuals who thought Da Brat's career was over about 10 years ago. Like you, I laughed at Da Brat calling a former Go Go Girl a "has been," much like I would laugh at Lindsay Lohan calling Mary Kate anorexic.

But Da Brat is about to show us, because she's working on a new album. Doing some investigative work, I actually found out that Da Brat put out an album in 2000, with the oh so original title "Unrestricted." I'm not sure what royalties Da Brat's getting on her albums, but you could buy Unrestricted on Amazon for 84 cents. Where else can you get timeless classics like "Breeve On Em" and "All My Bitches" for less than a green Washington? Amazon Reviewers have assured us that this release is indeed better than "Anuthatantrum" and "Funkdified," no caveat emptor.

Anyway, according to the Queen B, her new album is going to feature collaborations with Mariah Carey and Jermaine Dupree. No word yet on Kris Kross.

Looks like I'll have something else to review in addition to the upcoming Kanye album. No Homo Juelz Santana, but now all I need to hear is that Ron Artest is keeping himself real busy on something besides basketball.

Deep Throat's Identity Revealed

2005-05-31T16:53:00.000-05:00

Ridiculous College Story 2A

2005-05-31T13:33:00.000-05:00

JDub Barely Avoids Getting Kicked Out Of The Dormitory
18 year olds are old enough to be drafted and vote, but they sure as hell shouldn't be expected to act as adults. And so it was with me. In this story, I will run down the chronological order of events that damn near got me thrown out of the dorm.

As always, real names will not be used in order to protect the guilty.

The Main Players

"From this point forward, you're on 'double secret probation.'"

"PJC"

The Role Players

"Dat Wigga Stevo"

Nasty Naus ~~to Esco to Escobar now he is Nastradamus~~.

For my first two years of college, I lived in the 9th floor of a dorm, being a neighbor of Peanuts and Gimp and Mad Dog, all of whom have been featured prominently in previous stories. But I had known PJC from before High School and by chance he ended up living in the room next door. No homo Juelz Santana, but we would embark on a path of severe troublemaking over the next two years that led to some unfortunate occurrences for me.

Dat Wigga Stevo and Nasty Naus Come To Visit
At the end of the first semester of my freshman year, my roomate and I were the only ones still on the floor the last night of the semester. Dat Wigga Stevo, Nasty Naus and a few other acquaintances who were off of school decided to stop on in and get wasted. Having nothing else to do, we got drunk way out of proportion. My roomate decided to "water" PJC's door, one of the acquaintances tossed in the bathroom and one of us (who shall remain nameless) decided to use the stairwell as a toilet. The poor janitor came through the next day to find he had hit the trifecta, but since they couldn't prove it was us, we avoided trouble.

The Drinking Ticket
Just about everyone on our floor at one point or another got an underage drinking ticket, which led automatically to a probation of some sort. I got mine in the beginning of the 2nd semester of freshman year.

The Great Pitcher Drop
PJC's room was situated 9 stories above the main exit/entrance of the dorm, which allowed sinister individuals to do some mean things to passers by. During our second year, the two of us thought it'd be hilarious to drop pitchers of water onto people from his room, in the middle of winter. Being semi retarded, we tried (but missed) in the middle of a day on one occasion, before realizing it would be smarter to do it at night. One night we completely doused a group of bitches who began screaming hysterically, drawing a crowd of onlookers to try to figure out what happened. Wisely, we closed the curtains so as not to be discovered. The day before Spring Break we dumped water on a guy who tracked down which room it had come from and made his way up to our floor only to find every room locked and unresponsive. I can only imagine what would have happened if we had been caught for any of that.

Hall Code Violation
To take out trash, we were expected to go down the elevator to ground level and dump it and go back up, a major pain in the ass (no homo). Instead, on a number of occasions I walked it down the stairwell a few floors and dropped it there. One of these times, one of the Resident Assistants (RAs), who we dubbed the Nazi, went through one of my trash bags and found a bank statement envelope with my name on it. I received some sort of violation for that. Always remember to rip up your bank statements.

Blood Brother
At the end of first semester of our second year, only weeks after getting that code violation, PJC and I were brown bagging beer (being underage and all) outside the dorm when I unknowingly cracked the bottle and sliced my index finger the next time I went to pick it up. The cut couldn't have been more than a centimeter long on the base of my finger, but within 5 minutes it looked like I had performed surgery. We thought it would be funny to start writing on various friends' doors in blood, which I did. Upon getting back to my room, I wrote on the wall nearby "Fuck Rich, From The 9th Floor," no homo. Rich was the RA Director. The next morning I was awakened at 8 am by janitors talking to each other in the hall. Seeing the blood, one remarked "Who did this?" and the other said "I don't know, but they sure hate Rich." That was the first and last time I have ever been glad to be awake at 8 am. Yet again, I wasn't caught for that.

Dat Wigga Stevo and Nasty Naus Visit
The very next night, I didn't get so lucky. Since it was the end of the semester, those two came up because they were already on break. Along with PJC, we were the only ones still on the floor. No Homo Juelz Santana: the 4 of us got wasted, did a whole bunch of bad shit to my roomate's belongings, dumped all the beer bottles down the stairwell and were about to pass out at about 1 am or so when the Nazi came up on RA duty and wrote me a noise violation for not observing quiet hours during exam week. I was more than mad because obviously nobody had exams left and there was nobody else living on the fucking floor. After getting the violation, we shut the door of our room and I bitched about the Nazi some more. As I would find out at the beginning of next semester, the Nazi eavesdropped on me outside my room and wrote me up a second time for belittling the SS or something like that.

The Punishment (NHJIC)
Getting my 3rd hall violation in less than a month, I had to report to the RA Director, where I would be put through some sort of menial work to make amends. The motherfucker sentenced me to cleaning up trash outside of the dorm for 5 hours on one of the weeks. He accused me of breaking the bottles in the stairwell that ill fated night but couldn't prove it, so I was cleared of that. And since I had just gone off of probation at the end of the previous semester, that didn't apply.

So I put in that terrible work and managed to get through the rest of that semester avoiding trouble, leading to a life off campus and some of the other ridiculous stories.

Muhammad Ali: Gully or Gay?

2005-05-30T14:43:00.000-05:00

All weekend ESPN Classic has had a Memorial Day Weekend Boxing Marathon. No Homo Juelz Santana, but what better way to remember our veterans than to watch two big dudes beat the everloving shit out of each other?

Of course, a boxing marathon weekend features a whole lot of Cassius Marcellus Clay. Since ESPN Classic rarely has Ali fights on, this was pretty much the first time I could watch Clay in fights other than the Frazier/Liston/Foreman events, notably in the early 60s when he was in his young 20s.

I used to think Tyson was the most entertaining boxer to watch (even when his right was more entertaining than his bite), but I can definitely give it up to Clay (major no homo) after watching the marathon; he was the greatest.

With that said, it recently came to light that Clay's pal Malcolm X may have been a peter puffer, no homo. Those crazy Brits called it "gay hustling." Whatever the hell you call it, it's no wonder the Black Muslims put an end to his existence.

But that got me to thinking. Clay spent a whole lot of time around X. Is there a possibility Clay's full name was Cassius Marcellus Wallace Clay? If so, I can understand why Clay's got the shakes these days. No homo.

Kicking the White Man While He's Down

2005-05-29T17:50:00.000-05:00

Weeks ago, Fitz and I had a series of debates over whether or not Nash was the MVP. I argued for Nash, who did eventually win MVP.

Fast forward to now, Fitz is just about gone, TeamFitz has taken his place, the new guys are making the same Fitz argument and a few rounds of the playoffs have occurred. Of course, TeamFitz waited til the Spurs were annihilating the Suns (Shawn Marion, are you out there?) to argue against Nash all over again.

Someone's gotta stick up for Nash, so I'll counter some of these arguments.

One of my biggest problems with Nash receiving this award is that the only other point guard I have seen receive the league MVP award is Magic Johnson. Magic Johnson in my opinion is #2 all time, and was three times the MVP of the league.

I have decided to name off some more great players current and past who have never received MVP’s who in my opinion are better than Nash..

The MVP doesn't work like that, obviously. If the MVP was about who was the best player in the league, I think it would always go to Shaq or KG. Regardless of whether or not Isaiah Thomas was ever an MVP, that has no bearing on Nash's numbers or this season. This was unquestionably the weakest MVP race that I can remember.

This year is what counts. If we put everybody all in one season and compared their numbers, nobody would have taken an MVP over Wilt, who sometimes averaged close to 50/20 a year.

In my opinion the League MVP should be someone who is beyond proficient in every aspect of their game.

No player is perfect, obviously. A lot has been made about Nash's defense, but none of his closet competitors were defensive stalwarts. Shaq is average at best. Dirk? AI is so little he gets absolutely abused by bigger guards. And the list goes on.

B) Minutes Per Game- Steve Nash only plays 34 minutes per game. This means that ¼ of every game he is on the bench. Now when you compare this with a player like Allen Iverson who averages 41 mpg for his entire career you can see that there really is no comparison at all. How can you be an MVP if you sit out ¼ of the game?

The mid 30s are the normal starter's minutes. Besides, I think it's more than fair to argue that Nash's minutes per game are low because the Suns fucking destroyed so many teams this season that none of them were playing most of the 4th quarter. That AI averaged 41 just goes to show how poor his team was.

I would like to pose the argument that Amare Stoudemire is by far the best player on the Suns.

Amare Stoudemire is a natural Power Forward, Shawn Marion is a natural Small Forward. However thanks to Nash’s “new” fast break style these guys are forced to play out of position on defense.

The team could throw in Steve Hunter at the 5 and the defense would be the same. The Suns weren't playing half court defense by design for the entire season so that they could run and take advantage of offensive mismatches that would put an Amare Stoudemire against a Dan Gadzuric.

If anything, the playoffs to this point have bolstered Nash's case and clearly hurt his closest competitors'. After watching Wade score half his team's points in the Game 2 victory over Detroit, does anyone think Shaq, who only averaged about 20/10 this year to start, is the MVP of his own team?

Meanwhile Nash has averaged about 25/12 in the playoffs with his typically high %s, and carried the Suns to victory over the Mavs when Amare had his 2 bad games.

As for the Suns themselves, a lot of people are pointing the finger and saying I Told You So because the team that doesn't play strong half court defense is getting trampled by the Spurs. However, I think the Suns' style can work as long as their team stays healthy next time and continues to get deeper. Remember, they were up in the 4th quarter of the first 2 games before fading down the stretch, partially because of depth problems and partially because Shawn Marion has been pathetic.

But don't take it out on the MVP.

Semiannual Brewers Shoutout

2005-05-28T09:56:00.000-05:00

Much like last season, the Brewers are still treading water at this point in the season. In fact, they've won 4 in a row and snuck above 500 behind the bat of King Carlos Lee, who leads the NL in RBIs thus far.

But the incredible thing is that 24-23 is enough for 2nd place, because Houston sucks for once, the Reds and Pirates are the Reds and Pirates, and the Cubs keep having things like Fitz's best wedding present ever happen to them. They've even done this without Ben Sheets all month.

But being a Brewers fan also prepares one for knowing how fleeting this time can be. Last season the Brewers second half of the season was an absolute shit dive all the way to last place.

So I figured I'd get in this shout before next week (when the Brewers go on a prolonged NL West road trip) brings us back down to ~~Earth~~ the cellar.

It seems Milwaukee could maybe start to win.
As long as their All Star Brady Clark is in.
With unsung heroes Damian Miller and Bill Hall,
Maybe our streak of losing records will halt.
Who needs Johan Santana when we got Julio?
The steady pitching will keep up hopefully so.
The saves are a cinch when giving the ball to Turnbow.
Keep it up and there's no question he'll earn dough.
The major leagues might be in disorder.
But who cares, we're 500 after one quarter.

Let The South Secede Part III

2005-05-28T09:50:00.000-05:00

After allegedly killing someone, a man fled police until he reached a construction crane, climbing 18 stories onto it and threatening to jump.

The man and the 5-0 then spent the next 50+ hours in a standoff until they were able to taser the fucker.

During the standoff negotiations, Roland accepted a jacket from police, which he used to beat back the chill at night and the sun during the day, but he refused offers of food and water.

But early Saturday, Roland stepped toward an officer to get some water, and the officer used a Taser on him, said Alan Dreher, Atlanta's assistant police chief.

Roland showed mixed emotions during the negotiations, Dreher said.

"At times he was calm. At times he was cordial. At times he was irate. At times he was argumentative. It just depended on the situation," he said.

Now, none of this is unique, until we find out what ATL's residents thought of the possible jumper.

The standoff unfolded above Atlanta's busy Buckhead neighborhood, an area filled with clubs and restaurants. Lunch and dinner crowds, taking advantage of summer-like weather, have packed restaurant patios with clear views of the standoff.

Like watching a jumper was just another course of the meal.

Horrible Tracks by Good Artists

2005-05-26T22:35:00.000-05:00

As always, Bloggystyle has brought in an ultimate authority on the matter to discuss the 5 worst tracks made by good artists, in keeping with our eventual tournament to determine the worst song ever.

djxplicit09: but i guess you can say nas - nastradamus
J.W.: i thought we were going with You Owe Me
djxplicit09: tupac - whatz ya phone #?
djxplicit09: no
J.W.: i think You Owe Me is worse than Nastradamus
djxplicit09: nastradamus is worse since it was produced by LES
djxplicit09: who did Lifes a bitch
djxplicit09: you owe me features ginuwine, who is a fag who has never done anything good in his life
J.W.: so Ginuwine's inherent shittiness takes some of Nas's crap luster on that track is your argument?
djxplicit09: and its produced by timbaland, who has never done anything as good as lifes a bitch
djxplicit09: yeah
djxplicit09: its by good artists
J.W.: ok, that's a good point.
djxplicit09: and id say both nas and les are great no homo
djxplicit09: while i would never put ginuwine in good artists
djxplicit09: possibly not even timbaland
J.W.: all right. i wonder who produced whatz ya phone #
J.W.: let me check quick
J.W.: it was produced by Johnny J. No LES but he did some decent shit on Me Against the World and All Eyez so I guess he qualifies as decent enough
J.W.: any other nominations? I'd consider Biggie - Playa Hata but that was an obvious joke and I think the other ones were serious cuts
djxplicit09: johnny "j" was good
djxplicit09: no homo
J.W.: u heard Talib's We Got The Beat?
djxplicit09: yeah
J.W.: i think that's on there
djxplicit09: its not as bad as other songs
J.W.: which Talib song u think is worse on BS?
djxplicit09: "a game"
J.W.: ok that's pretty bad. man that album was a disappointment
J.W.: "I wet my throat and get bent like a pelican's neck" That puts A Game over the top I guess. major no homo.
J.W.: http://ohhla.com/anonymous/t_kweli/struggle/the_beat.tab.txt Maybe we should put both tracks on there.
J.W.: "you ain't no MC like me, you just a clone like KFC" It's like something I'd expect out of Aaron Carter (nh)
J.W.: this hot shit is to fly like the cockpit
got spit like a french kiss chicks lock lips
djxplicit09: the chorus was pretty good
J.W.: you gotta be kidding
djxplicit09: the chorus was sung pretty well
djxplicit09: i mean - compare it to the chorus of you owe ,e
djxplicit09: *me
J.W.: it was a bitch doing the chorus with Talib's horrible improvs? that was straight out of a lindsay lohan song
djxplicit09: hey
djxplicit09: it was res
J.W.: you have any other nominations? Should we add "We Built This City" by that one group that was basically Jefferson Airplane?
djxplicit09: sure
J.W.: does LL Cool J count as "an otherwise good artist?" Because Hush was a fucking horrible song
J.W.: and 7 Aurelius isn't always a complete dreg producing wise.
djxplicit09: ll cool j is a legend
djxplicit09: but he has done just about everything to not have the title anymore
djxplicit09: same with snoop dogg
J.W.: LL Cool J - G.O.A.T. Featuring James T. Smith
djxplicit09: which brings me to snoop dogg
djxplicit09: no homo
djxplicit09: anything by him since doggystyle
J.W.: that's a whole lot of nominations.
J.W.: Does the strength of Doggystyle automatically make him a good artist and thus make all this other crap potentially choosable?
djxplicit09: i think so
djxplicit09: there were particularly foul songs with no limit
J.W.: all right. So what is the worst of the worst regarding Snoop then?
djxplicit09: cant remember the name
djxplicit09: hold on
J.W.: I think anytime you can get sampled by Jay and then go on to make really shitty music, you qualify for this list.
djxplicit09: what was the other no limit/snoop album
djxplicit09: the last meal
djxplicit09: and
djxplicit09: game is to be sold
djxplicit09: ?
J.W.: No Limit Topp Dogg
J.W.: is obviously one of them.
djxplicit09: yeah
J.W.: i think it's funny Dead Man Walkin is in Snoop's discography over at ohhla.com
djxplicit09: yeah
djxplicit09: so yeah
djxplicit09: anything from "da game is to be sold, not to be told"
J.W.: Gin & Juice 2
J.W.: just for taking an all time classic and making a terrible sequel

So we came up with:

Nastradamus - Nasty Nas to Esco...let's not even relive it.

Whatz Ya Phone # - Take one schizophrenic, horrible beat, add one part nonsense rap and two parts phone sex and you get this garbage.

We Built This City - No comment necessary.

A Game - This one has to be heard to be believed it was a Kweli joint.

Gin & Juice 2 - It should be a punishable crime to take a pantheon classic and do a horrific sequel. It's too bad for Snoop's career that he was found innocent 10 years ago.

How to Honor a Drunk Driver

2005-05-26T21:50:00.000-05:00

Recently a Wisconsinite in his 20s decided to hop in his car after a few (dozen) too many rounds, and he subsequently crashed and killed himself.

His friends figured there was only one way to honor the deceased: get totally fucking wasted.

Brian's father and stepmother, Ken and Donna Drea of Butler, were consoled by hundreds of people at his memorial service at a funeral home in Sheboygan. But they were troubled by the friends of Brian who showed up with booze on their breath.

"In between the viewing of the pictures and the memorial service, they were shuffling across the street to the corner bar," Donna said. And later that night, these friends threw a drinking party in his memory, she said.

Even some local bars got into the act, closing down a few hours in honor of the guy's memory.

"That makes me want to throw up," Ken said.

Like usual, the guy's friends said he didn't seem that drunk and that he "didn't have that many."

If that was the case, all I can say is the guy's tolerance is pretty fucking pathetic, because he killed himself with a .325 BAL, which puts a typical person somewhere between blackout and death. Even more incredible, some bitch got into his car as a passenger. Unfortunately she survived.

But not Bryan. And so I raise my glass. Here's one to you, big guy (no homo)

My New Favorite Number

2005-05-24T20:24:00.000-05:00

6.3(%)

Star Wars aka Lucas Can Still Tell Stories

2005-05-24T18:46:00.000-05:00

Despite being raised by someone who proudly called herself a Trekkie, I (thankfully) never became part of the Star Wars cult following. I have seen the original trilogy countless times, and I have no problem admitting that they were very good movies.

I went to see Phantom of the Menace and Attack of the Clones after the initial crowd, and I think I speak for any objective movie-goer in saying that those first two were bad, especially the first one. And the only thing cool about the second one was the way Talib Kweli could rhyme it in Get By. Throw in the fact that we know everything that happens in Episode III as soon as Attack of the Clones finished, and I wasn't exactly anticipating it like most people I knew.

But sometime in these past 3 years, George Lucas learned how to tell a story all over again. And my other concerns for this movie proved to be unfounded.

First, I read critiques of the acting, especially Hayden Christensen as Anakin, but I didn't see any problems with his acting. Playing Anakin isn't exactly an easy thing to accomplish, so I think he played the role of Anakin all right. Ian McDiarmid did the best acting as Palpatine, and it's hard to believe he was only in his 30s when he played Palpatine in Return of the Jedi. Natalie Portman had nothing to work with except to look hot, and she was only average at doing that given her capabilities.

Here comes the spoilers section, but I'm guessing just about 99% of you bastards have already seen this movie.

The dialogue absolutely ruined the last two, and it wasn't Tarantino this time, but it sufficed. Only one line was terribly out of place, Padme's "You're breaking my heart" line near the end, but I guess it helps convey to any potential retards out there why she dies during childbirth.

Finally, the story was so much better this time around that I can't believe they were done by the same people who did Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones. Lucas has plenty of fun with CGI and that was fine, the only dragging parts were with Padme and those weren't too long, and the last hour or so, especially the paralell story lines in the last 30 minutes, is perhaps the best storytelling in any of the 6 movies.

My only critique of the movie is that Anakin's final turn toward allying himself with Palpatine was too contrived. The story was doing an admirable job of pulling Anakin in all directions and sending him down the path, but the final push over was too forced.

All in all though, this movie was probably 3 stars, and it does a great job of tying the trilogies together. I don't think Lucas will tackle Episodes that come after Return of the Jedi because there would no longer be any characters that the Star Wars fans are familiar with or emotionally vested in. But if he does try it, I hope they're comparable to this one.

Reggie Miller and the End of THE Era

2005-05-24T12:35:00.000-05:00

I would have done this post earlier, but I was busy attending a graduation party all weekend up North, also known as a disturbing location where old drunk people get wasted and do stupid or disgusting things to or with each other.

And speaking of old people, here we come to Reggie Miller, who put up one last vintage Reggie performance against one of the top defenses in the league, in a game that just about all of us knew was going to be his final game. Fittingly, the last Pacers basket of the season was a Miller triple, and Reggie finished with 27 points against the defending champs.

Already people are discussing Reggie's legacy. The general consensus, and it's probably accurate, is that Reggie was never a superstar, but he was a great, clutch shooter, a perennial All Star and an all in all nice guy who will make the Hall of Fame. But I wasn't thinking about Reggie's 25,000 + points, or his all time 3 pointers made record, or the free throw shooting.

The end of Reggie Miller's career is the end of THE era that anyone in their 20s grew up with as NBA fans. The end of his career is the end of THE era of the great 90s rivalries, all going on concurrently in the East, and of course Miller played one of the three central roles of the Era.

Bulls vs. Knicks

In the early 90s, when the Bulls started their first threepeat, everyone around the globe started their Michael Jordan lovefest, no homo. Not wanting to be the conformist, even in my young teens, I took something out of rooting against the Bulls.

In the early 90s, the Milwaukee Bucks went only as far as Blue Edwards could take us. Since the Bucks were all but mathematically eliminated once training camp ended, I had to turn to a different team to root for once the playoffs started. And to root against the Bulls meant rooting for the Knicks.

The flush known simply as "The Dunk"

And since Jordan was the one to hate, who better to root for than Jordan's counterpart, John Starks? Starks was Jordan's antithesis in many ways on the basketball court, except for the fact that both were fiercely competitive, which of course led to a number of scraps.

A lot of this was made more poignant for a rabid Bulls hater by the fact that the Bulls always won. The Knicks only bested the Bulls in the playoffs during the one year that Jordan was on his all too short hiatus in 94. And even that was only brought about by a Hugh Hollins long overdue foul call that actually went against the Bulls for once.

Knicks vs. Pacers

The Knicks-Pacers rivalry actually started in 93, when Reggie Miller headbutted John Starks. This would begin the process in which Miller became the Garden archvillain and the whole Miller vs. the Garden rivalry that became one of the most memorable NBA themes of the 90s. The Knicks went on to win the 93 series.

But with Jordan gone, the Knicks-Pacers series in 94 in the Eastern Conference Finals was a bit more important. Though the Knicks won that series in 7, the most famous game was Game 5, when Reggie hit 5 triples in the 4th quarter and had 25 points in the 4th to lead a Pacers comeback. Reggie would commit a questionable flagrant on Starks in the end of Game 7 that ended the Pacers' chances as well.

The next year was perhaps Reggie's most memorable playoff antics, with the 8 points in 8 seconds in Game 1 in the Garden. Down by 6 with 15 seconds left, the Pacers actually came back to win that one on their way to winning the series in New York in 7 off Ewing's gimme layup miss.

In 98 and 2000, Reggie had game tying triples near the buzzer in the Garden to force overtime, both games turning into Pacer wins. With those triples came the infamous choke sign and even more antics with Spike Lee in the front row. In all, Reggie went on to have 9 30+ point playoff games against the Knicks.

Pacers vs. Bulls

In 1998, Jordan told ESPN that playing against Reggie "drives me nuts." That wasn't exactly the compliment it sounded like, as Jordan went on to say, "It's like chicken-fighting with a woman. His game is all this flopping-type thing. He weighs only 185 pounds, so you have to be careful, don't touch him, or it's a foul. On offense I use all my 215 pounds and just move him out. But he has his hands on you all the time, like a woman holding your waist. I just want to beat his hands off because it's illegal. It irritates me."

Jordan's frustration with Miller eventually boiled over, which precipitated a scuffle that still gets played in NBA fights highlight reels. That scuffle and those comments came before Jordan ever faced Miller in the playoffs. The Pacers were perhaps never better than in 98, which was also the Bulls final title run. What resulted was a 7 game series that was a whole lot closer than most people remember in the Eastern Conference Finals.

The series is famous for yet another vintage Reggie triple (and a vintage pushoff) in Game 4, where he "shook free" of Jordan to hit a buzzer beating 3 to win the game and even the series. Jordan still mentioned the push off years later.

The Pacers took a 15 point lead in the first half of Game 7 in Chicago before the Bulls came back to win that game and beat the Jazz on a Reggie type pushoff by Jordan against Bryon Russell in his Game 6 game winning shot.

Knicks vs. Heat

Jordan's second departure left a huge void at the Top of the East that was usually filled during the regular season by the Miami Heat. This would lead to a number of playoff battles against the Knicks, who still had the core of Ewing/Starks/Oakley along with additions like Childs and Houston.

These two teams have been credited as the breed of the Pistons' Bad Boys mugging defensive style that pushed the style upon the NBA into the present day (and a movement that the Suns are just now starting to reverse).

The division rivals had bad blood even before playoff clashes, and everyone's seen the Larry Johnson/Alonzo boxing contest and Jeff Van Gundy hanging on Zo's leg.

But the rivalry's climax may have come in the 1997 playoffs in Round 2. The Knicks jumped out to a 3-1 lead over the Heat, leading Ewing to comment that we would be seeing the Knicks heading to Chicago shortly.

In Game 5, the Heat were on their way to a win in their building when one of the wierdest fights of all time was started by Charlie Ward and PJ Brown. Brown bodyslammed Ward to the floor, leading a bunch of Knicks players to come off the bench. What resulted was a bunch of ejections and suspensions to the likes of Starks and Ewing that gave the Heat the chance to win the series.

The Knicks would get the best of the Heat in other playoff contests, often eliminating the Heat in deciding games on Houston buzzer beaters and the like.

Of course, Jordan retired in 98, Starks was traded to the Jazz, the Knicks core began to be rebuilt along with a decrepit Ewing, and all the personalities that had marked the 90s rivalries were either gone for good or off their respective teams, except for Reggie.

And if Reggie does leave, the last tangible link to that era of the NBA is going with him.

The French Open

2005-05-23T08:14:00.000-05:00

Now that the predictable Conference Finals matchups are set, and since I already predicted the Spurs/Pistons to win in 6, it's time for someone to talk about tennis.
With the French Open starting today, there is no better time to talk about tennis, if there's ever a good time to talk about it.

The reason is because the French Open is often the most unpredictable sporting event of the year, due to the surface (clay) and the number of Spanish players who specialize their games on clay. What results is former no namers like Carlos Moya and Gaston Gaudio literally coming out of nowhere to breeze through the tournament. Even in his prime, Sampras could get no further than the French semis.

And since the seeding isn't determined by how good someone can play on clay, the seeds are totally meaningless. Federer of course is the #1 seed, but no pundit is expecting him to win. Instead, Rafael Nadal, the 18 year old Spaniard who's been tearing it up all season, is the clearcut favorite. Nadal has had the 2nd best year behind Federer, and hailing from Spain, clay is definitely his best surface. The kid has never played in the French Open and yet he's the clear favorite.

Nadal is also the 4 seed, which put him in Federer's half of the bracket. If Federer can make it to the semis, he will likely run into the Nadal buzzsaw. Guillermo Coria is the 8 seed, and he'll likely be the favorite to make it to the Finals through the other bracket.

So here are my predictions for the semis and the winner:

Nadal and Federer. Nadal wins in 4 sets.
Guillermo Coria and Guillermo Canas. Coria wins in 4 sets.

Nadal beats Coria in 4 sets in the Finals.

And unless Sharapova's playing, who cares about the women?

Ridiculous College Story #2

2005-05-19T12:26:00.000-05:00

Madison Lemmings

The fact that half of these stories took place in Madison, where I did not go to school, is a testament to the madness that occurs there. It also makes me wonder how much more shit would have happened if I had gone there.

This story took place during sophomore year.

The Main Players

"Don't take my cup."

99%, minus the "Hallowbeast."

"Dat Wigga Stevo"

"Godzilla." nhjic

Stevo was in town due to conflicting school breaks, so the two of us went to Madison to visit 99% and Godzilla. Those two had met some birthday girl at a football game and had gotten an invite to her party, so we headed over to what we thought was her place and started drinking away.

Only about an hour into that party did 99% realize we were at the wrong fucking place. Apparently he was trying to knockboots with this birthday girl, and not being at her party wasn't facilitating that process.

It turned out that we were only two rooms away from the birthday girl's place in this apartment complex, which was on the 2nd floor. So we go into the birthday girl's party with the cups from the other party, just to have those bitches tell us that we had to buy another cup. I told the bitch she wasn't taking our cups and she actually grabbed and broke Stevo's, then offered to give him a new one for a reduced price.

This enraged us enough to retaliate. The line for the bathroom was pretty fucking long, so Stevo got into line and I decided to use the girl's bedroom as my personal can. Having had to go pretty bad, I did a pretty good job of hitting everything in that room while Stevo stood guard over the door. I exited the bedroom and went back downstairs. Stevo got into the bathroom and, according to him, used the girls' toothbrush to brush something other than his teeth . After he had pissed (in the toilet), he also did some dabbling with the toothbrush in there too. Then he put the toothbrush back. No homo to this entire paragraph.

Having gotten revenge, the rest of the night was going normally. 99% had struck out, leaving the 4 of us to do nothing but drink heavily. But after a few hours the cops started knocking on the door.

Now anyone with any experience in that situation should know that quieting down, turning off the music and breaking up the party and leaving is all that is required, especially in Madison where the cops could make a full time job out of breaking them up. Basically anyone in college should have known that. Apparently only Stevo and I did. We sat down a few feet from the front door and continued to drink away. 99% and Godzilla, despite living in Madison, were unaware of this and went hiding in the bedroom that I had earlier used as my own personal facility.

But the other people were going absolutely fucking nuts with fear. Scores of people started making their way into the kitchen to get onto the balcony. Then these motherfuckers actually began to jump off the second story balcony to get away from the cops. And this wasn't an isolated incident. It was a whole damn lemming parade. Having walked to the place earlier, we knew the ground was uneven too, which certainly had to lead to some fucked up ankles. Add in the fact that plenty of these people were really drunk, and I can only imagine some of the injuries sustained by the jumpers.

Of course, sure as shit, after all those dumbshits had jumped, the place got quiet, the music got turned off, the owners of the apartment let the cops in, and those who were sane simply walked out of the place without a problem.

We met up with 99% and Godzilla back at their dorm and promptly began to start passing out, no homo. But Stevo had one more stunt to pull, unbeknownst to all (including himself). Having passed out, Stevo somehow awoke from his coma, walked out of the room, shut the door and then turned around and pissed all over 99%'s door. No homo juelz santana, but the moral of the story clearly is you don't wanna fuck with Stevo. That, and don't jump 15 feet off a balcony to get away from the cops when you can walk right past them.

All NBA Teams Released

2005-05-19T00:02:00.000-05:00

The NBA finally released their All NBA teams today.

About two weeks ago, I predicted the teams. I did pretty well.

Here were my picks, with the bold ones being correct and the wrong ones being struck out with the actual player.

All NBA 1st Team

Nash
Iverson
~~James~~ Tim Duncan
Nowitzki
Shaq

All NBA 2nd Team

Wade
~~Bryant~~ Ray Allen
~~McGrady~~ LeBron James
Garnett
Stoudemire

All NBA 3rd Team

Arenas
~~Pierce~~ Kobe Bryant
Marion
~~Duncan~~ Tracy McGrady
B. Wallace

All in all, I did a pretty good job, getting 10 of the 15 on the right teams. The only person I didn't put on any team that made it was Ray, in place of Paul Pierce. I'd probably agree with putting Ray over Pierce at 3rd Team, but I'd move McGrady ahead of Ray at 2nd Team.

Placing Duncan on the 3rd Team was definitely an oversight, although clearly his team's success had more to do with getting him on 1st Team than his numbers, which weren't all that good this year. I couldn't have predicted the NBA 1st Team putting 7'1 Dirk Nowitzki on the team basically as a 3, and I think LeBron should have been on the 1st Team in Duncan's place.

System of a Down - Mezmerize

2005-05-18T16:02:00.000-05:00

Bol probably put it best when he said that System of a Down tracks can sound completely different and yet still have their distinct sound.

Almost everyone has heard the group's hits, like Toxicity and Chop Suey. Personally my favorite tracks are Spiders and Sugar, from the first album.

This album officially came out yesterday, but one of the group's albums prodded me to "Steal This Album," so I took their advice.

Soldier Side - Intro

Nothing like a psychedelic sounding anti-war message to start off the festivities.

B.Y.O.B.

This is another anti war track, with a bunch of hard rock. As is their forte, the track switches up unpredictably throughout. "Everyone's gonna have a really good time, marching through the desert, blowing up the sunshine." BYOB of course stands for Bring Your Own Bombs.

Revenga

System of a Down albums may be the hardest to review, because everything is off the wall and likely to change completely in a split second. I don't know why the track is called Revenga, when they constantly refer to revenge in the track (and say revenge). Nature of the beast I guess (nhjic).

Cigaro

I don't care what genre of music it is. Anytime a rapper or band is insistent on comparing the size of his phallic instrument to others (nh), it's a terrible thing.

Radio/Video

This track sounds like polka or something you'd see crazy Russian dancing to as the band rocks on talking about being on the radio.

This Cocaine Makes Me Feel Like I’m On This Song

The track starts out with softer than usual rock until Serj starts in with some absolutely zany, almost impossible to understand ranting. They weren't kidding about the coke.

Violent Pornography

"Everybody, everybody, everybody fucks and on and on and on." The number of times the word everybody is said is mindnumbing. The hook about fucking chicks, violent pornography and sodomy is definitely different.

Question!

This track sounds more like Disturbed than the typical System tracks. Not that that's a bad thing.

Sad Statue

This is probably the most political track on the album. With lyrics like "you and me will all go down in history, with a sad Statue of Liberty, and a generation that didn't agree." and "What is in us that turns a deaf ear to the cries of human suffering?!!!" this is the essence of the group.

Old School Hollywood

Trying to describe this track is impossible, with all the different sound effects and the voice boxes. I don't know what Old School Hollywood and Baseball have to do with each other, but I don't care either.

Lost in Hollywood

This is another track that sounds like it came off a Disturbed CD. It reminds me of Sugar. More straightforward than usual, no switchups or anything.

This album is less than 40 minutes long, which I don't mind (mostly because I didn't buy it for like 15 bucks). Apparently System of a Down is putting out another album later this year, as a sort of Part 2. At least that's what the assholes at Amazon.com said.

This shit's not bad. It's certainly not Toxicity or their first album though. I'm sure the group's fans will find enough about it to like it.

J.R. Writer - Writer's Block Volume 2

2005-05-18T12:09:00.000-05:00

The principal reason I ever bother listening to J.R. Writer is because of his name. After that, the reasons start to dwindle. As I've mentioned in other reviews of Diplomats stuff, JR Writer sounds like Cam on speed, and trying to listen to his verses can hurt one's head (nh).

But today, no homo juelz santana, someone gave me the heads up about the existence of Writer's Block Volume 2, before I even knew there was a Volume 1.

Anyway, he didn't want to waste hard drive space, so he wanted me to review and verify that this is trash, if it is. But I know a lot of people who come to this site are Dipset fans, and I'm learning to cope with that fact. So I'll go through the rigorous scientific approach.

Intro

Cam does an intro over what sounds like a phone telling us that JR "will be out this year." Out of what? The closet? After that intro, I honestly am not 100% sure if Writer or Cam is the one doing the track, since the beat is slow and thus so is the verse. Writer usually does faster verses, but I think this is him.

Call My Bluff Freestyle

*Aw, CHJYEAH* I thought that was Santana's stupid trademark. Anyway, Writer drops a 90 second freestyle over a decent beat. This wasn't bad.

Prove It (featuring Juelz Santana)

Writer keeps doing the Santana *CHJYEAH* thing, this time in honor of Juelz being on the track I guess. Writer drops a tight first verse and ok second/third verses over an average beat. Unfortunately, Santana only drops the hook on this track.

Lay Down

~~I couldn't get a version of this song to download off Morpheus~~ My $7.99 copy of this mixtape somehow forgot to include this track.

1-800-JR-Writer

At the end of this track, which I guess has an ok verse, JR tells us to call him up at 1-800-JR-Writer. I wonder if he stole his cell phone, JR Ryder style.

Throw It Up

In the middle of the first verse, Writer actually cuts it off and says "I had to give y'all a little break off the song, give ya a little time to recover." The only recovery I could get from this was hitting next.

Gat Man Freestyle

Green Lantern does the intro on this track. It takes the beat from the 50 track off the Massacre. Writer's flow is impressive on this track, and it's pretty much necessary given the pace of the beat. This is one of the best cuts on this tape, despite how short it is.

Best Out, featuring Hell Rell

Hell Rell's back. His verses are basically just like an average slow Writer verse, except his voice is obviously different. I think Hell Rell's incapable of flowing any faster than a slow talking. Meanwhile, Writer does his vintage 100 rhymes per sentence that just make your head spin.

And the beats on this tape are way too similar.

Me

That's one of the least original track titles I've ever seen. A decent beat though. Writer makes a couple of interesting similes. One refers to Alicia and "pushing keys." Then there's "and I can get them chains off you faster than Abraham Lincoln," which is probably the cleverest line I've heard on this tape.

The problem is that when it comes to slow flows, Writer sounds way too much like Cam, and he's not as good at that as Cam, so he's practically irrelevant.

Live By The Codes

Although this beat will remind a listener of most of the other ones on this tape, I think this might be the best track on here. Writer doesn't do the typical rhyme overload this time, and his lyrics are subsequently more forceful.

Get It On

Nothing could have EVER prepared me for the first 15 seconds of that track. I almost hate to ruin the surprise for anyone considering downloading this stuff but let's just say it involves a high profile college basketball announcer who some might consider obnoxious.

*OH AMERICA ARE YOU SERIOUS. IT IS SHOWTIME BABY. HERE WE GO. RAM SLAM BAM JAM. ITS AWESOME BABY!*

It's hard to recover from that serinading to actually listen to the rest of the track. The beat's ok, although it reminds me of a bunch of the earlier stuff on this tape.

Pushing

This might be the most obnoxious track ever. Whoever produced this one should be shot on the spot.

Who's Nice Freestyle

If this was a freestyle, it was a decent one for the first 45 seconds or so.

Memorable Moments (featuring 40 Cal.)

Nothing about 40 Cal is memorable. But he's better on this track than he was on whichever Diplomatic Immunity 2 shits he was on, that's for sure.

But another monotonous beat made sure the only thing memorable about this was how fast I turned it off.

Give Me A Second

"It sounds like we're going into overdrive overdrive." I don't get it either. And now even JR is doing that Juelz *CHJYEAH* stuff in the background. This is one of those verses where JR rhymes almost every word and it's impossible to comprehend what the fuck he's talking about, and he's doing it over a bland loop.

Cold As Ice

I think this is the first time a piano is used on this tape, but only for the first 30 seconds, where they have some black man talking some stuff. This beat is a bit more prevalent than the other ones, and Writer's verse is mediocre.

Harder Then Ever, featuring Hell Rell

The hook on this track is barely audible. Hell Rell's considerably better on this shit than Writer, even with his lazy flow. At least that gives him the chance to word out lines like "Get Midwest love from Midwest thugs, and my niggas they lift up weight and bench press drugs." Update: DJX pointed out the necessity of a major no homo for this whole paragraph, so here it is. MAJOR NO HOMO.

Mezmorized

Sure as shit, this beat samples the same shit Ja and Ashanti did for their Mesmerize, which actually made the VH1&Blender Top 50 Awesomely Bad songs list. I saw the program yesterday and Ja was there at like 38. I'd say it was a good choice, except no variation of the word awesome should have been associated with it.

I guess this is Writer's attempt at a chick song. Whatever.

Something Epic

You might get your hopes up when you hear the Jay sample "We invite you to something epic." But then Writer quickly says "Me" and goes ahead to drop a verse over the beat from Can I Live. This is a decent changeup if only because the other beats to this point sound too alike.

And you'll never believe this, but Writer doesn't flow over the beat as well as Jay did.

Back In The Zone

I swear to God someone took one beat and made 20 modifications and had Writer put a verse on each modification.

Hell Of A Ryder (featuring Ron)

I was waiting the whole time to download this track because I wanted to know what kind of scrub goes simply by the name "Ron." What's next? Someone's going to come up with the moniker Joe Smith?

I was actually hoping Ron referred to Ron Artest, but of course it wasn't. Ron actually sounds like Cam, but I don't think it's him. And I'm not going to waste anymore time with this track because it's not very good.

9 Minute Freestyle

This track is 8:44 long. Can someone say false advertising?

All kidding aside, this shit is pretty tight, especially the first few minutes. Writer is actually helped by having a faint beat that doesn't factor much into the track.

Unquestionably this is the most impressive track on the tape.

Down & Out Freestyle (featuring Fred Money$)

I guess Fred Money is Writer's 15 year old brother. If the kid's only 15, that first verse he drops is all the more impressive. Fred Money's voice is also deeper than his older brother, who I think is 19.

Harlem Freestyle

"History in the making this summer" in reference to his impending album. Right.
Given the 8-9 minute freestyle, Writer obviously wasn't going to top that with this. This freestyle is average at best.

Bonus Track: 1 Thing, featuring Amerie

Before I turned this on, I have to admit that I thought this had the potential to be the worst song ever. After all, Amerie is absolutely horrible, and the 1 Thing track is one of the worst songs I have ever fucking heard.

This beat is the epitome of schizophrenia on wax. The idea actually could have been kind of funny if Writer had kept talking about nailing Amerie as she does that little orgasm sounding shit in the background.

Unfortunately, the "official Diplomat remix" that Writer refers to is simply that first 45 second verse of his, followed by the entire Amerie track, so all her "verses" actually show up on this track. That definitely fucks everything up. Why is this a bonus track anyway?

Well, this mixtape answered some questions, but not others. I can now tell that someone not to waste his hard drive space on this mixtape.

On a few tracks, Writer tells us to call him up at 1-800-JRWRITER. Yes, that's 8 digits but I called it anyway. All I got was a voice automated woman telling me to call a talk line to talk to "some exciting people." I'm guessing those exciting people aren't the Diplomats.

But JR Writer's tape still didn't answer the one burning question I had throughout listening to this.

How the hell did Isaiah Ryder get the nickname "J.R." anyway?

Kylie Minogue's New Look

2005-05-18T09:21:00.000-05:00

Kylie Minogue diagnosed with breast cancer.

I think a lot more shots from that angle will be necessary from now on.

New Spurs Point Guard

2005-05-17T22:19:00.000-05:00

Since Tony Parker can't do anything well, Gregg Popovich has taken him out of the game and put in the foreigner backup.

No, not Udrih.

And suddenly the Spurs were watchable!

RapReviews.com

2005-05-17T21:24:00.000-05:00

RapReviews.com never ceases to amaze me (nh).

First, I can't get over that someone decided that they were so big an authority on rap that they should buy the domain rapreviews.com and waste a gang of time writing reviews.

Second, I can't get over how terrible the reviews are. Let me demonstrate some of the most ridiculous ones.

According to RapReviews.com Until the End of Time's beats are better than Makaveli's.

If you're lucky, you've never heard the posthumous Pac album "Until the End of Time." Suffice it to say, the suggestion that the first disc of UTEOT was comparable to All Eyez On Me is one of the most ridiculous things ever, let alone the suggestion that it had better production than stuff like Bomb First, Hail Mary etc. Hell, the Outlawz albums get ranked just a tick under Makaveli on the site.

According to RapReviews, The Massacre is an 8 out of 10. No Homo Juelz Santana to this Rap Reviews comment on 50.

"Three things make 50 an effective and popular MC: riding to some of the best beats in the business, lyrics that vary from menacing reality to humerous pimping and flossing, and the slightly slurry delivery of his flow which can be attributed to the fact he took a shot straight through the jaw. Now whether or not that's the right way to get a memorable voice is certainly up for debate (I wouldn't recommend it) but there's no denying his hypnotic effect"

50 is many things, but an effective MC is not one of them.

According to RapReviews, The D.O.C. - No One Can Do It Better and N.W.A. - Straight Outta Compton don't exist. That or they weren't good enough to be reviewed. But don't worry, both Jacki-O albums have been extensively reviewed.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that RapReviews should officially be boycotted by everyone who reads this page, the linked affiliates, the Mindset Army and everyone else who cares about rap.

"No Homo Juelz Santana" (No Homo)

2005-05-17T21:06:00.000-05:00

As most of you readers are all aware, DJXplicit has become known for better or worse as the James Madison of the no homo interpretations; the definitive authority on the matter. Introducing such critical variations as no homo just in case (nhjic), DJX has set the standards for proper usage and proper terms. No homo to this whole fucking paragraph.

Anyway, most of you are aware (or should already be) that the whole phrase originated with Dipset. But I've noticed recently in some Dips tracks that they like to say the phrase before the line that necessitates it. I heard Juelz do this multiple times on a burned CD of mine as I wandered aimlessly around Milwaukee today.

Thus I'm nominating a new usage of the phrase. Instead of pre emptive no homo, I think "no homo juelz santana" should definitely prefix the lines that necessitate it.

^ No homo to all of that.

The Ambiguously Gay Duo...

2005-05-16T10:40:00.000-05:00

Apparently, it's Shaq and Dwyane Gayde.

That is the gayest picture I have ever seen. No homo.

Wisconsin and Condoms

2005-05-15T18:13:00.000-05:00

For some reason the state of Wisconsin has some weird issues with condoms, as evidenced by this article and a first hand experience.

After spending more than $1.8 million for a temporary system to catch stray condoms slipping through a sewage treatment plant, a Milwaukee Metropolitan Sewerage District spokesman says officials are fairly confident a majority of condoms are now being caught before they can reach Lake Michigan.

In one stop at Wisconsin, buying condoms can actually be a moneymaking experience.

On our way to Winona the other weekend, we came across a liquor store with a condom dispensing machine. After Mad Dog purchased a "Rough and Rugged" condom for 75 cents (no homo), he found a 1 dollar rebate on the back, which had to be mailed to Georgia.

I guess taking stampage into account, the profits are a bit less. But at least they get used someway or another around here.

Ridiculous College Story #3

2005-05-15T10:37:00.000-05:00

Car Ride With Mohammed Atta

Just before Spring Break of Freshman year, the Gimp and I and a couple other guys decided to head up to Madison for a big house party being thrown by some people we knew. Unfortunately for us, the Gimp was bringing two of the rowdiest fucking guys of all time.

The Main Players

The Gimp wouldn't be taking the ill fated car ride.

I would.

"The Wolff," no relation to Winston.

I don't have pictures of the other two guys (nhjic), but suffice it to say that one of them is a Marine who's definitely trigger happy. He actually fought in Fallujah a few months back. The other is smaller but is an even bigger hellraiser, no homo to this entire paragraph.

Anyway we all went to this party, which was just like any other party in Madison, until the Gimp's friends decide it would be funny to pull the fire alarm and break the glass to get the fire extinguisher out. Of course, we all ended up going back to the dorm where one of our friends lived, no homo. By then it was about 3 a.m. and half of the crowd, including the Gimp, passed out.

Meanwhile the Wolff, the Marine, the other guy and I decided we'd see if some sort of food store was still open on State Street, which of course there wasn't. But we walked all the way to State Street just to find everything closed.

Instead of walking back the two miles or so that we had just walked, the other 3 were intent on getting a ride. Believe it or not, there were no taxis around at almost 4 am, but for some reason still unbeknownst to us, there was an Arab dude in a car parked on the wrong side of the road. So of course those guys asked him to give us a ride.

I don't know what this guy was on, but the first words he said in response to our request was "Do you believe in Jesus Christ?" The Wolff was adamant about not getting a ride from this guy, but the 4 of us actually got into this guy's car and asked for a ride to the Kohl Center.

"Mohammed Atta" continued to talk about Jesus Christ, and he was unintelligible regarding anything else. He also had no clue where the fuck he was going or what the hell he was doing. Continuing his discussion of whether or not we believe in Jesus Christ, the guy went through the first red light before pulling a surprise left turn out of nowhere. At that point, we decided that enough was enough.

The Gimp's friends decided that drunk driving was safer than that, and they were correct. So they actually drove home. Meanwhile the Wolff and I eventually found our way back and had to sleep in the lobby, no homo.

Progress Report

The Marine would continue to start fights with people and beat the hell out of them (nh), much like he did in the "Cockpump" story, major no homo. The only time the Marine lost a fight was when he was actually tasered by someone. The other guy would continue his vandalism, including stealing a bunch of XBox games, an electric razor and other stuff from the next house party we were at with him.

And of course, a few months later our driver proved he knew how to fly a plane better than drive a car.