Bloggystyle -- The Greatest

Ron Artest claimed that he had 2 goals this November. One was to help his basketball team on its quest to compete for an NBA title. The other was to promote an album that he was the executive producer for. After missing 2 of his team's games due to music related fatigue, it's clear that these 2 goals were not mutually exclusive. Then, before this issue went any further, Artest took "matters" into his own hands; "matters" being a geeky white kid who thought drenching Artest in Michelob was pretty damn hilarious before realizing he was about to be bulldozed by a 6'4 250 pound tank with the instincts of a cornered shark.

Well, we all know that Artest ultimately fell short of completing one of his goals. What a shock. Now, merely one question remains. Does this product justify "music-related fatigue" or does this album simply suck Artesticles?

Now, before I begin this review, I must admit that until this very instant I listened to Allure about as often as Mary Kate Olsen eats, but I'll try to be as objective as possible.

Intro

You would never believe what's on this intro. First we have background clapping, followed by the executive producer telling us that he is Ron Artest, the group is Allure, the album title is Chapter III, and the record label is Tru Warier Records. GROUNDBREAKING! Fatigue Factor: Half a quarter, max.

Hate To Love You

After first listening to this song, I thought to myself: this beat isn't a 5 second loop played for a few minutes. Then I found out that it wasn't produced by Ron Artest. I don't think I've ever felt a sense of disappointment and a total lack of surprise at the same time quite like this before. Oh yeah, I guess it's about time I mentioned that Allure sounds like every other girls poop group thus far. One Amazon review, after calling this track one of the best on the album, mentioned that this producer has also worked on 3LW projects. And I bet he thought he couldn't get any lower. Fatigue Factor: Perhaps Artest sat in the studio for about 30 seconds, dreamed he could produce like that and then came back to reality.

Relax

Ah, the return of the loop. Well at least Indiana fans can rest assured that Artest truly did exert some effort for at least 3 seconds, even if that noise in the background sounds like a constipated cow. Fatigue Factor: 3 seconds.

At this point in time, I have to take a break to marvel at the fact that there are actually 6 reviews of this album at Amazon.com. As if it wasn't enough to endure this album, someone felt compelled to write positive reviews about it?!? Perhaps this is proof that civilization is truly damned.

And I'm only on track 3 of 16? God help me.

Let Him Go

Now I'm starting to wonder if Ron Artest, a guy who has seemingly gone out of his way over the past 5 seasons to mold himself into the baddest mother shut your mouth in the NBA, had any personality conflicts while producing this album. Obviously integrity flew out the window awhile ago. And perhaps someone should have told Crazy Ron after he reached for that Madison Square Garden camera to just let him go. Fatigue Factor: 5 minutes, plus an additional 15 for likely sulking about a career that started at the bottom and apparently keeps digging.

Longlost Love

After a couple of tracks crooning about hating to love a man and letting him go, Allure hits us with a track about their longlost love. The three girls by this point probably huddled up and one of them probably asked if this made any sense at all. One of the others then probably turned to her and said, "Bitch, Ron Artest is producing our freaking album." And thus the session went on. Fatigue Factor: Minimal

I Think I'm In Love

Something really hit me upside the head about this track. No, of course it wasn't the production, the lyrics or the singing. Isn't this the same title as Jessica Simpson's first single, which in itself was a sample of John Mellencrap? Maybe this is fitting, and maybe I can forgive the lack of originality; after all, I'm still listening to these tracks somehow. Lyric of the night - "I think I'm in love with you / Can't believe my dreams came true." Right.

But then I scrolled through the playlist and saw this same title a few tracks later. It's stupid to put 2 versions of a song on the same album, and being someone who has bought posthumous Pac albums, I'm in a position to know. But it's even dumber to put 2 versions of a HORRIBLE song on the album. Fatigue Factor: A few minutes to produce the track, double the sulking for double the appearances.

Before I proceed, feast your eyes upon this Amazon Reviewer's comments about this track: "As a guy, however, I personally LOVE this song and I definitely think it could apply to everyone. Allure gets risky with a few up-tempo tracks, but it definitely pays off. This is like no other song that I have ever heard the girls sing before.. It's just.. FUNKADELIC! LoL.."

It would only be right for someone to amputate this individual's fingers.

Sitting At Home

Well this is probably as good as Allure and Artest get. Artest doesn't loop this beat and it's rather calm. Artest was probably humming this beat in his head as he lay on that scorer's table, before Mr. Green took over... Fatigue Factor: Well if Artest was truly fatigued at any point, this is one of his 2 seminal moments. Let's generously give him a game off for this one.

Bittersweet

This track is truly bittersweet. It's sweet because I'm half done with this album. It's bitter because I'm half not done with this album. Fatigue Factor: At this point Artest has nothing on me.

Just Can't Stay Here

We interrupt your regularly scheduled producing to bring you another production loop, courtesy of Tru Warier Ron Artest. I won't single Artest out though; afterall, looped beats still find their way onto hyped up albums, right Em?

We all can relate to the sentiments our 3 heroines are feeling when we just can't stay somewhere. For these girls, it involves (SURPRISE) relationships. For me, it involves lame houseparties. For Artest, it involves a Palace. Fatigue Factor: It's now safe to assume that I'm fatiguing myself more by including this feature than Artest did to produce this crap.

Uh-Oh

I damn near gouged out my eyes when I read the following Amazon.com review excerpt about this track: "Uh Oh" is nice club song and an artist like Sean Paul could really heat this one up on the remix."

Then I found out that in its current form, this track prominently features Elephant Man. Jesus H Christ. Fatigue Factor: Come on, it's ELEPHANT MAN.

I Watch Ya

For a few seconds I was racking my brain trying to recognize this sample. Instantly a voice called out to me, "You are reviewing an Allure CD." Then a moment of clarity kicked in and I quickly hit skip.

Frustratin'

Really, doesn't the title of that track just say it all?

Gospel Interlude

This is one of Artest's best moments on the album; the chicks sing acapella.

Granted, Gospel Interludes are far from original, but for some reason I found this one seemingly more sincere than DM*WOOF*X's gospel interludes.

Stay

What is that I hear? A piano? Synchronized clapping? I'm not quite putting the piano loop on the same pedestal as Kanye's work or DJ Premiere's, but for Ron Artest this is intricacy overload. Fatigue Factor: At least 10 minutes

I Think I'm In Love

I couldn't discover any discernible difference between this track and the other one with the same title about 6 songs back. Then again, I tried about as hard as Fat Joe in a New York City Marathon.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for. Finally, the track where Ron Artest drops a verse on a track...

I Feel So

I haven't been this excited to hear an executive producer rap since Jermaine Dupree decided he could flip it like Kris Kross.

So what are we working with on this last track?

"My name's Ron Artest. / I don't take shit. / I punched a guy in the chin / and popped his zit."

Ok, I lied. It's not that good.

"You love it when I rub you. / Love it when you rub mine / Spine twirls when you touch me. / Like I'm chewin' on necks, / trust me, I'm the best"

I don't know who Artest was thinking of when he came up with those lyrics, but I bet that geeky white kid was getting just a bit concerned about something like this as Artest came rushing toward him.

In summing up his performance, I'd have to say that Artest definitely has a leg up on Kobe, Shaq and Allen "Jewelz" Iverson when it comes to flowing. Ron's not the worst. He's simply terrible. Fatigue Factor: I honestly don't even want to know how long it took Artest to come up with lyrics like these.

So where does that leave this album? If someone tried to tell me this is good, my response would be "And Lenin was a capitalist."

Artest has recently stated that he hopes to go platinum. And while getting only 6 reviews on amazon.com does not portend good things, let alone platinum status, I feel that the low number can be attributed to the fact that Amazon incorrectly categorized this album under Popular Music.

To put it succinctly, there's no doubt that "a good Allure CD" is a pretty big oxymoron, but I can think of bigger morons.