Bloggystyle -- The Greatest

Miss Keys is pleading with her peers to get involved in AIDS funding for Africa. Nobody can deny that this is indeed a worthy cause.

Keys makes an odd comment about this though: "Just for a moment imagine the media hysteria and global outrage if 25 million Americans, many of them children, died from a treatable disease because the medicine was too costly. ... This is exactly what is happening throughout sub-Saharan Africa."

I'm sure I'm not the only one who wishes that she start to spend more time sharing the AIDS treatment and a lot less time sharing her music.



(Come on, you had to know I was posting this as an excuse to put a picture of an extremely attractive female on here.)

It took less than a week for someone to put up a website dedicated to the Pacers-Pistons Brawl.

All I can say to the individual who came up with this site is God Bless.



Good thing Jermaine "Kermit" O'Neal slipped while delivering that punch to Mr. John "Rudy T." Doe.

Paris Hilton Hooks Up With Lil Jon, Shares Her Horsemeat Gross-Out

And just when you thought MTV had outdone themselves, they come up with a money (shot) first line: Paris Hilton has been trying to hold down a job. Don't worry MTV, she's experienced.



And maybe Jon isn't so "Lil" after all.



My "horsemeat" is this long ho! *YEEEEAAAAAHHHYYYAAA!*

The Shawn Carter / Robert Kelly beef is being moved to the backburner. MTV reports that a true clash of "titans" is brewing over at Disturbing Tha Peace.

Apparently, Ludacris is a little upset with Chingy. He even goes so far as to say "all respect is lost" toward Chingy. This immediately prompted millions across the country to ask what took Ludacris so long. I myself was wondering how Chingy earned any respect in the first place; let's just say my demented imagination won't let me get the Zed/Marcellus scene from Pulp Fiction out of my head. Then again, anyone whose single is titled Blow It Out Your Ass can't really be hard to impress, can he?

Moving along, let's investigate the source of the feud.

Over the summer, Chingy abruptly bolted the crew that helped him break into the game. The fire was fanned to the point of no return earlier this month, when the December issue of XXL magazine hit the stands. Chingy, who made the cover, revealed to the publication that he had monetary disputes with Chaka Zulu, a co-owner of DTP who was acting as Chingy's manager (without a contract).

"It's a contract thing," Chingy further elaborated on his departure from the crew.

Wait a minute. Chingy had monetary disputes with people who actually paid him for Right Thur, Holidae Inn and Balla Baby?!?!. This guy must be a total dumbshit.

Chaka said he and his company EbonySon opened up the books twice for Chingy to dissect.

"Everybody from his lawyers to his accountants said there was no money missing," Zulu said.

Chingy can't even pronounce the word there and you expect him to comprehend finances and accounting, or even "no money missing?" Chingy probably thought no money missing was one of those double negative things that rappers always have trouble avoiding. Ain't no question bout that.

"That's ludicrous," Ludacris laughed when asked whether there was any jealousy toward Chingy.

Ludacris was probably laughing at the fact that he just said the word ludicrous, and that's his moniker! HA. I'd like to hear the interview just to make sure he didn't actually say ludacrisp.

Well now that Disturbing Tha Peace has been permanently fractured and all respect has been lost, it's time to look toward the future. "Ludacris LP Salutes Austin Powers, Takes Aim At Bill O'Reilly".

On that note, maybe someone can point me toward Chingy's new record label.

Before I get into reviewing this album, let me preface it by referring you to Amazon.com's Encore page, specifically Amazon.com's own editorial review.

First and foremost; "If Encore has a clear weakness, it's the bland production--the same plodding sound that he and Dr. Dre cooked up on the previous three albums." Amazon.com put this nicely. Over the next few paragraphs you will not see me put it this nicely, and I have reasons.

And most importantly, though I will strive as a most humble reviewer to review this album to the best of my ability, it should already be pointed out that I could NEVER come up with something as incredibly humorous as this line from Amazon's supposedly serious review: "The exotic flavor of "Ass Like That" catches the ear." Mmm, exotic. Yum. Anyway, let's proceed.

Curtains Up

This intro reminds me of the one on the Em Show. Nothing more needs to be said.

Evil Deeds

I could have certainly done without Marshall singing Mary Had A Little Lamb. And even though almost all rappers double over their rhymes at the end of lines to strengthen them, just what the hell is the point of all of Marshall's rhymes being echoed for 3 seconds before he continues on with things during half this track? I thought Marshall really came lame, and then someone reminded me that this track's counterparts on the Em Show and Marshall LP were White America and Kill You. At that point I almost broke down.

Saddest of all, this beat was produced by Dre. It's not the most incredible thing I ever heard out of Dre, but for a second I was hoping Marshall was onto something, especially ever since I was hit with the almost unbearable news that Marshall produced THIRTEEN tracks on the upcoming Pac album. It was then that I realized I wouldn't be hearing a beat this good for a considerable length of time, unless my temptation to listen to The Infamous becomes too much to resist.

Never Enough

One thing I love about not being a Marshall fan is that I can recognize this type of track for what it is. Marshall must be teasing his fans by deciding to come up with his standard strong rapping ability on a beat that's so unbelievably terrible. And then to really add the bitch slap to the face, Nate Dogg does the hook. Mercifully this track is only like 2 minutes long, but that means you have to endure 50 cent's mumbling for half of it.

Yellow Brick Road

What the hell is that noise in the background? Is that really Marshall crooning like a soprano? Someone please tell me Bizarre drop kicked his nuts. At least this track is almost 6 minutes long, so I'll never need Nyquil again.

Like Toy Soldiers

You'll never confuse Marshall behind the boards with The Alchemist, but this beat isn't half bad. I've seen this track get panned, but it's the best beat I've heard from Marshall on the album.

Marshall says he's going out of his way to avoid beef by trying to be the "bigger man." Actually, this sounds more like Marshall crying uncle after Ja won the diss war against him with just one line about Haylie (yes, reread that last line and it gives you an idea of how far Marshall has fallen). So listen up kiddies, it's ok for Marshall to diss the likes of Moby and Benzino and call people fags, but don't say anything about his family or you're stepping over the line. And yes, Marshall did get his big break through battlerapping.

And funny, I heard nothing about being the bigger man while he disses Jessica Simpson, or while he goes back through his album to erase tasteless Chris Reeve jokes in the wake of Superman's death. Yeah, I can just sense Marshall's sincerity.

Mosh

Marshall put this out just before the election as a sort of anti-Bush, get out the vote type gig. Boring beat and seeing as how he didn't stop Shrub's reelection, this track lost a lot of its potence before the album came out.

Puke

I didn't exactly have the highest of expectations before turning on a track titled Puke. Then I heard Marshall puking and singing like a pussy, to go along with the most annoying hook and beat of all time. This damn track couldn't even meet my expectations. This might honestly be the worst Marshall song of all time, and yes I have listened to Drips. Unfreakingbelievable.

My 1st Single

Hey, Marshall's rapping again, and he doesn't sound bad. I can even tolerate the singing on the chor...*BELCH* *FART* *SHIT*...wait, I guess not.

Paul (Skit)

Another album, another shitty Paul skit. Only one Paul skit ever had the potential to be funny, and that was the one on the Em Show. And the only way that skit could have been funny was if it hadn't been a skit.

Rain Man

When I first downloaded this song (you didn't actually think I'd buy this crap, did you?), I was on the verge of being ecstatic just seeing Produced by Dr. Dre in parentheses. After hearing this track I simply can't accept that as being true.

Remember when Marshall claimed Dr. Dre was locked in the basement? This just had to be the case. That, or one of Gay Dre's "manservants" snuck into the basement studio at some point and concocted this horrific beat.

By now I can truly empathize for any of my friends that are big Marshall fans, and trust me, I have a roomate that I nicknamed Stan, and justifiably so. But look on the bright side: this has to be the greatest album of all time that has an artist farting on at least 3 of the first 12 tracks, right?

Big Weenie

Dre's second Marshall sounding beat in a row. He must have heard portions of the advance and mailed in his performance almost as much as the rapper. I guess the line "There's no denyin that my weenie is much bigger than your's is." was inevitable on this one.

And yet again, Marshall's singing on this track proved that the title of this track was not in fact based on any part of his anatomy.

Another Goddam Retarded Paul Skit

That about covers that.

Just Lose It

No doubt some asshole DJ on a radio station has already bound and gagged your ears and forced this crap down your drums. I know, I'm a college kid who's frequented plenty of bars in the past month. *HA HA HA HA HA* Try getting it out of your head now.

Ass Like That

As you can imagine, after I picked myself off the floor from reading that Amazon.com review line, I listened to this track.

But the thing is that there's nothing exotic about this, be it the beat, the stupid Triumph imitation, and certainly not the title of this track.

Oh, I almost forgot: Reviewing this album makes my pee pee go la doing doing doing!

Spend Some Time

Saturday, November 27, 2004. A date which will live in Infamy (oh how I'm tempted to put that on right now). Today, I marked this date down for posterity as the first and hopefully last time I was happy to hear an Obie Trice verse cut off Marshall's antics on a track.

50 comes on at the end and rhymes words like lips and dick. He's about 20 years, 2 dozen diss tracks and several Jay Z quips away from originality.

Mockingbird

At the beginning of this track, Marshall tells us, "I know some times things may not always make sense to you right now." All I can say to that is no shit.

Some dumb bastard writing a review on the Amazon site wrote that "My granddaughter rocked to "Mockingbird",and she's only nine months old."

Where are the child welfare people when they're really needed? And no, that was not "rocking," that was a seizure. For the love of God, get this child into foster care, immediately.

Crazy In Love

"Jay-Z in the range, crazy and deranged
They can't figure him out, they like hey is he insane (Oh no)
Yes sir I'm cut from a different cloth
My texture is the best fur, Chinchilla."

Sorry. Actually the Beyonce track of the same name is better than this garbage.

One Shot 2 Shot

Before I turned this album on, I thought this track had the pedigree to be the worst track of all time. Marshall behind the boards, D12 on the mic, and a track with a title that makes no sense.

But by the time I got to this track, I was thankful that 3 verses by D12 provided me with 3 respites from hearing more of Marshall's whiny voice and prepubescent singing. So thank you very much Kon, Proof and Bizarre, even if your rapping skills are what I would expect from Stephen Hawking.

Final Thought (Skit)

Can a skit qualify for one of the best tracks on the album? It doesn't have whiny voices, prepubescent singing, or the sounds of assorted bodily functions. I guess that means yes.

Encore

No thank you. I've had more than my share of Marshall, Curtis and Andre by now. At least the end has mercifully arrived.

A lot of people, when they initially heard this album (after it leaked), thought this just couldn't be it. Now that it is, some Marshall dickriders are trying to rationalize that it's just Marshall switching up styles. Well this "switching of styles" reminds me of that black guy who turned himself into Ru Paul. Sometimes, style switches aren't necessary, and they certainly can be a disaster.

Disaster is exactly the first thing that comes to mind when I think of this album. Actually, the first thing that came to my mind was that something happened to Marshall and the bitch from R. Kelly's video laid down a majority of the vocals.

Want to get a sense of just how far the Marshall has fallen? Check out this D12World Forum thread, where one delusional fan calls this one of the best hip hop albums to come out lately. When a guy countered his claim by noting that Masta Killa - No Said Date, Jedi Mind Tricks - Legacy of Blood, and Cormega - Legal Hustle came out lately, the kid's response was "I admit, I don't heard the albums you are talkin about, but I still think it's better than the new albums of fabolous, Ja Rule and Jadakiss."

Now excuse me while I go back to listening to good music.

More proof than you'll ever need to prove the Brits are total nutjobs.

I'll be the first to admit that I don't hold anything against animals, but there is something unbelievably schtoopid about creating an actual memorial commemorating animals that "have served and suffered for their country," as one (probable) dental hygiene-challenged Brit woman put it.

The story only gets worse:

"Among those honored will be glow worms whose light was used by soldiers to read maps during the trench warfare of World War One." THIS IS BRAVERY? Did any goddam glow worms attempt to retreat during battle or something? I can't believe this is real.

"The stone memorial bears the profiles of creatures from bears to monkeys -- kept by soldiers as mascots -- and will be the most prominent tribute to animal bravery in Britain, a nation often mocked for loving its pets more than its children." How much do you want to bet these same nutjobs commemorating the bravery of a glow worm were the loony toon assclowns criticizing their own soldiers in Iraq?

"In 1943 the founder of the PDSA created the Dickin Medal to honor acts of outstanding animal bravery." A "Dick in" and "animal bravery..." I knew a stupid Brit would make a Freudian slip somewhere regarding this animal bravery crap.

It just became a lot less hard to identify what species actually has the peabrain over there in the Isles.

And let's not even get started on the morons bidding for a Dickin medal. This reminds me of that story about Ozzy and Nikki Six trying to prove who was more badass. After snorting a line of ants, Ozzy sees Nikki trying to one up him by pissing on a fence, presumably to get down and start drinking it. At that point Ozzy pushes Nikki out of the way and does it himself. The French are clearly taking this British attempt to be even weirder than them seriously.

Ron Artest claimed that he had 2 goals this November. One was to help his basketball team on its quest to compete for an NBA title. The other was to promote an album that he was the executive producer for. After missing 2 of his team's games due to music related fatigue, it's clear that these 2 goals were not mutually exclusive. Then, before this issue went any further, Artest took "matters" into his own hands; "matters" being a geeky white kid who thought drenching Artest in Michelob was pretty damn hilarious before realizing he was about to be bulldozed by a 6'4 250 pound tank with the instincts of a cornered shark.

Well, we all know that Artest ultimately fell short of completing one of his goals. What a shock. Now, merely one question remains. Does this product justify "music-related fatigue" or does this album simply suck Artesticles?

Now, before I begin this review, I must admit that until this very instant I listened to Allure about as often as Mary Kate Olsen eats, but I'll try to be as objective as possible.

Intro

You would never believe what's on this intro. First we have background clapping, followed by the executive producer telling us that he is Ron Artest, the group is Allure, the album title is Chapter III, and the record label is Tru Warier Records. GROUNDBREAKING! Fatigue Factor: Half a quarter, max.

Hate To Love You

After first listening to this song, I thought to myself: this beat isn't a 5 second loop played for a few minutes. Then I found out that it wasn't produced by Ron Artest. I don't think I've ever felt a sense of disappointment and a total lack of surprise at the same time quite like this before. Oh yeah, I guess it's about time I mentioned that Allure sounds like every other girls poop group thus far. One Amazon review, after calling this track one of the best on the album, mentioned that this producer has also worked on 3LW projects. And I bet he thought he couldn't get any lower. Fatigue Factor: Perhaps Artest sat in the studio for about 30 seconds, dreamed he could produce like that and then came back to reality.

Relax

Ah, the return of the loop. Well at least Indiana fans can rest assured that Artest truly did exert some effort for at least 3 seconds, even if that noise in the background sounds like a constipated cow. Fatigue Factor: 3 seconds.

At this point in time, I have to take a break to marvel at the fact that there are actually 6 reviews of this album at Amazon.com. As if it wasn't enough to endure this album, someone felt compelled to write positive reviews about it?!? Perhaps this is proof that civilization is truly damned.

And I'm only on track 3 of 16? God help me.

Let Him Go

Now I'm starting to wonder if Ron Artest, a guy who has seemingly gone out of his way over the past 5 seasons to mold himself into the baddest mother shut your mouth in the NBA, had any personality conflicts while producing this album. Obviously integrity flew out the window awhile ago. And perhaps someone should have told Crazy Ron after he reached for that Madison Square Garden camera to just let him go. Fatigue Factor: 5 minutes, plus an additional 15 for likely sulking about a career that started at the bottom and apparently keeps digging.

Longlost Love

After a couple of tracks crooning about hating to love a man and letting him go, Allure hits us with a track about their longlost love. The three girls by this point probably huddled up and one of them probably asked if this made any sense at all. One of the others then probably turned to her and said, "Bitch, Ron Artest is producing our freaking album." And thus the session went on. Fatigue Factor: Minimal

I Think I'm In Love

Something really hit me upside the head about this track. No, of course it wasn't the production, the lyrics or the singing. Isn't this the same title as Jessica Simpson's first single, which in itself was a sample of John Mellencrap? Maybe this is fitting, and maybe I can forgive the lack of originality; after all, I'm still listening to these tracks somehow. Lyric of the night - "I think I'm in love with you / Can't believe my dreams came true." Right.

But then I scrolled through the playlist and saw this same title a few tracks later. It's stupid to put 2 versions of a song on the same album, and being someone who has bought posthumous Pac albums, I'm in a position to know. But it's even dumber to put 2 versions of a HORRIBLE song on the album. Fatigue Factor: A few minutes to produce the track, double the sulking for double the appearances.

Before I proceed, feast your eyes upon this Amazon Reviewer's comments about this track: "As a guy, however, I personally LOVE this song and I definitely think it could apply to everyone. Allure gets risky with a few up-tempo tracks, but it definitely pays off. This is like no other song that I have ever heard the girls sing before.. It's just.. FUNKADELIC! LoL.."

It would only be right for someone to amputate this individual's fingers.

Sitting At Home

Well this is probably as good as Allure and Artest get. Artest doesn't loop this beat and it's rather calm. Artest was probably humming this beat in his head as he lay on that scorer's table, before Mr. Green took over... Fatigue Factor: Well if Artest was truly fatigued at any point, this is one of his 2 seminal moments. Let's generously give him a game off for this one.

Bittersweet

This track is truly bittersweet. It's sweet because I'm half done with this album. It's bitter because I'm half not done with this album. Fatigue Factor: At this point Artest has nothing on me.

Just Can't Stay Here

We interrupt your regularly scheduled producing to bring you another production loop, courtesy of Tru Warier Ron Artest. I won't single Artest out though; afterall, looped beats still find their way onto hyped up albums, right Em?

We all can relate to the sentiments our 3 heroines are feeling when we just can't stay somewhere. For these girls, it involves (SURPRISE) relationships. For me, it involves lame houseparties. For Artest, it involves a Palace. Fatigue Factor: It's now safe to assume that I'm fatiguing myself more by including this feature than Artest did to produce this crap.

Uh-Oh

I damn near gouged out my eyes when I read the following Amazon.com review excerpt about this track: "Uh Oh" is nice club song and an artist like Sean Paul could really heat this one up on the remix."

Then I found out that in its current form, this track prominently features Elephant Man. Jesus H Christ. Fatigue Factor: Come on, it's ELEPHANT MAN.

I Watch Ya

For a few seconds I was racking my brain trying to recognize this sample. Instantly a voice called out to me, "You are reviewing an Allure CD." Then a moment of clarity kicked in and I quickly hit skip.

Frustratin'

Really, doesn't the title of that track just say it all?

Gospel Interlude

This is one of Artest's best moments on the album; the chicks sing acapella.

Granted, Gospel Interludes are far from original, but for some reason I found this one seemingly more sincere than DM*WOOF*X's gospel interludes.

Stay

What is that I hear? A piano? Synchronized clapping? I'm not quite putting the piano loop on the same pedestal as Kanye's work or DJ Premiere's, but for Ron Artest this is intricacy overload. Fatigue Factor: At least 10 minutes

I Think I'm In Love

I couldn't discover any discernible difference between this track and the other one with the same title about 6 songs back. Then again, I tried about as hard as Fat Joe in a New York City Marathon.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for. Finally, the track where Ron Artest drops a verse on a track...

I Feel So

I haven't been this excited to hear an executive producer rap since Jermaine Dupree decided he could flip it like Kris Kross.

So what are we working with on this last track?

"My name's Ron Artest. / I don't take shit. / I punched a guy in the chin / and popped his zit."

Ok, I lied. It's not that good.

"You love it when I rub you. / Love it when you rub mine / Spine twirls when you touch me. / Like I'm chewin' on necks, / trust me, I'm the best"

I don't know who Artest was thinking of when he came up with those lyrics, but I bet that geeky white kid was getting just a bit concerned about something like this as Artest came rushing toward him.

In summing up his performance, I'd have to say that Artest definitely has a leg up on Kobe, Shaq and Allen "Jewelz" Iverson when it comes to flowing. Ron's not the worst. He's simply terrible. Fatigue Factor: I honestly don't even want to know how long it took Artest to come up with lyrics like these.

So where does that leave this album? If someone tried to tell me this is good, my response would be "And Lenin was a capitalist."

Artest has recently stated that he hopes to go platinum. And while getting only 6 reviews on amazon.com does not portend good things, let alone platinum status, I feel that the low number can be attributed to the fact that Amazon incorrectly categorized this album under Popular Music.

To put it succinctly, there's no doubt that "a good Allure CD" is a pretty big oxymoron, but I can think of bigger morons.