Bloggystyle -- The Greatest

Claiming to be an urban legend is a pretty serious boast. But Mr. Rubber Band Man at the very least has credentials on his resume: in fact, the iron that he's been holding in both hands recently nearly consisted of jailbars. And the charges related to that nine in his left, .45 in his other hand at that.

Trap Muzik, released in 2003, was his second album, but it was the first under a major label and the first with mainstream exposure. Then T.I. was sentenced to a lengthy prison term this past April. But like any other affluent individual, the justice system was no match. So it was time to release the next album.

So is T.I. an Urban Legend or will this album leave me wishing he got those three years that just about any other urban dweller would currently be serving?

Tha King

Wow, track one is, get this, an actual song. That was starting to seem like a novelty.

This beat is nice. But T.I. doesn't seem to match the beat with his flow, his hook's catchy. This is certainly nothing special, but it's practically a standout compared to the album intros I've recently been subjected to.

Motivation

This beat sounds like Lil Jon on prozac. T.I. hits a lot of double rhymes but rhyming A Town with face down isn't exactly something worth commending.

U Don't Know Me

At the end of his Bring Em Out video, T.I. cuts to a short excerpt of this track, a 30 second hook. At the end of every line T.I. says you don't know me. Watching T.I. do this routine in a video, he gets so animated while he says "you don't know me" that the unintentional comedy scale is off the charts. The result is what you'd expect out of someone who had just been told his life depended on getting an Academy Award in a 30 second clip.

ASAP

Here's how T.I. explains this track in his own words:

"'ASAP' is basically saying if anybody contests my rulership or tries to deny me my just due then I'm gonna address it… I will spare no expense on your ass."

I can only infer a big no homo at the end of that quote.

At this point in the album, I'm somewhat surprised at how mundane the production is, considering that these tracks are being done by a vast array of different producers. Even if T.I. was lyrically innovative, which he simply isn't, this production would be his downfall.

Prayin For Help

Thanks for the Lord's Prayer...T.I. asks why someone who's done so much can be treated so unjust. I don't know exactly what T.I. has done besides sold a few hundred thousand albums and caught cases involving firearms and drugs. The fact that he's out of jail is probably the unjust aspect of this whole story.

This track's the best one so far. The production finally tones down and lets T.I. do his thing. Regardless of how sincere or proper this plea is, T.I.'s flow is extremely steady, a refreshing change from the last Southern rapper I listened to.

So far, less has been best regarding the production.

Why U Mad At Me

T.I. chops up his flow to improve his rhymes. Lyrically he's better, but his flow is so wack (especially on Verse 2) that it just doesn't work. Nas he is not.

Get Loose, featuring Nelly

*LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...* Those 3 words, the calling card of Jazze Pha, have become the bane of my ears. Jazze's done a few good beats here and there, but this one isn't one of those.

Bringing Nelly on was probably a good move. Not because it makes the song better, which it obviously doesn't (and no guest could save this song anyway). But bringing Nelly on helps sell while also reminding any objective listeners that T.I. is clearly a superior rapper.

What They Do, featuring B.G.

B.G. was probably brought in just to reassure T.I. that no matter how many cases he catches, things could be more fucked up. I have no idea if B.G., who literally pissed away his spot on Cash Money, is still a heroine addict, but it doesn't matter. He still sounds as strung out as always.

It's times like these that make me wonder how and why guys like B.G. are always going to be richer than me.

The Greatest, featuring Mannie Fresh

Mannie Fresh's antics in the first 30 seconds are some of the weirdest things I've ever heard in the prelude of a track.

This is a pretty dull beat for Mannie. T.I.'s flow is solid yet again.

Get Ya Shit Together, featuring Lil Kim

This features Lil Kim doing the hook. That's all she does, and it's the only thing that makes this track mediocre instead of brutal.

Freak Though, featuring Pharrel

This beat is hard to describe, outside of unique. T.I.'s flow is his strongest suit, and this track features his best flow yet, T.I. is clearly in his element rapping about sex, no homo.

Does anybody sound like a bigger homosexual on wax than Pharrel? He hits notes like Michael Jackson during a castration.

Countdown

T.I. can count down from 5 to 1, thus the title. "5, 4, 3, 2, 1 you're done when I see you" is one of the most simplistic hooks I've ever heard.

R Lee Ermey would dig this track: it sucks so hard it could suck a golf ball through a garden hose.

Bring Em Out

This track is and will continue to be a successful and popular club anthem. T.I. really elevates his game on this track; it sounds like he put more effort into this track than the rest combined.

For awhile there, Swizz Beats had fallen off like Bob Dole at a rally. But this was a pretty solid effort.

Limelight

If T.I. didn't reside in a region where rappers like the Hot Boys are considered critically acclaimed, he wouldn't garner the little limelight he currently does.

Chillin With My Bitch, featuring Jazze Pha

T.I.'s only tolerable when his flow is at a moderate pace and remains steady. This is the opposite of that.

Jazze Pha does the hook. Like usual, Jazze's voice is about as harmonious as Gail Devers using a chalkboard.



Are those bastards aerodynamic or something?

Stand Up

Considering this prominently involves Lil Jon, the beat's tamer than Maynard's and Zed's Gimp.

If I found a Christina Aguilera in a bottle, my 3rd wish (after asking for immense riches and limitless rounds with her) would be to to know what goes on in the studio that makes Trick Daddy whine and cry at the end of his lines on so many tracks. If I was forced to guess, my first guess would be that someone is plucking his asshairs one by one while he's on the mic. The last time I heard something this pathetic out of a black man, Kobe was giving a press conference in the Staples Center concerning a hotel clerk.

My Life, featuring Daz Dillinger

*All Eyez On Me.* We came so far without a reference to Pac or a Pac sample, but T.I. just couldn't resist.

Does Daz go anywhere without cocaine these days? This guy's attached to blow like Joe and Domino are to fats.

I guess something could be said for the fact that T.I.'s not a terrible emcee. In fact, when he puts the effort in, he approaches decency. And when you factor in the region, that talk about being the 21st century King of the South is only ridiculous instead of out of this world absurd.

In my effort to find a really good Southern artist besides Face, the search will have to continue.

As news and casualty counts keep rolling in from the Asian tsunamis that rolled through the Indian Ocean after a big earthquake, we can all rest assured that our media and elected officials are keeping everyone up to date.

Here's today's news roundup:

Reuters lists the death count at 52,000 and rising. The AP says the hooligans survivors are "looting" and "foraging." How dare they.

Meanwhile, the AP wants us to realize just how big of a tragedy this is, because 15 celebrities or so were affected by the disaster. The other 99.975% who died will simply lower starvation rates for everyone else.

And lastly, after the U.S. Agency for International Development promised $35 million in relief, President Bush declared war on inclement weather and claimed that weapons of mass destruction had been found in India, Sri Lanka, Thailand and Indonesia.

For Talib Kweli fans, this album brought good news and bad news.

The good news is that for this album Talib was hooking up with DJ Hi-Tek again, no homo. A longtime collaborator with Talib, Hi-Tek was responsible for a bunch of great Talib tracks, especially on Reflection Eternal.

The bad news is that a number of tracks on this album are not quality, practically inconceivable for Talib. And almost none of them are Quality material either.

So what happened?

Going Hard

Shitty rappers will often make sure that their big singles or two good songs are the first 2 on the album. For example, you'll only need one guess as to which two tracks come at the beginning of J-Kwon's album.

When first hearing this album, this track makes a listener optimistic for the rest of the album. Granted, rockrap isn't exactly Talib's forte, but on Going Hard the beat hits and Talib's conscious lyrics are as poignant as always.

Back Up Offa Me

Well it's track 2 and we have DJ Hi Tek's first contribution. Never has the phrase "so bad it's funny" been more appropriate. Coupling a rare dosage of Talib fronting like he's hard with THIS BEAT is unbelievable.

Welcome back, Hi Tek. Now please go away.

Broken Glass

I have a hard enough time listening to Neptunes production for the likes of Noreaga, Jay Z, and most recently Snoop.

The Neptunes and Talib Kweli really fit hand in glove, if you're talking about O.J.'s hand and a blood soaked and dried glove.

We Know, featuring Faith Evans

Something about this track just doesn't work. With that said, this track is better than the last two basically by default.

Not to disturb you, but I have to admit that anytime I hear Faith Evans in a song about love, I think of Biggie, specifically the video for Warning. That becomes a pretty major problem for replayability.

Game

This loop is pretty annoying, and Talib simply can't flow over it. A few tweaks here and there would have turned this into a good beat. Close doesn't really count; a few pounds here and there could also turn Ally McBeal into Ali Landry.

I Try, featuring Mary J Blige

This is the standout track of the album through the first 6 tracks, and unsurprisingly it was one of the first singles.

Now that I said that, I have a few gripes about the track. First of all, hearing Mary J Blige say I Try a hundred times will be enough to make you cry. Instead of having so many small verses, 3 longer ones would have been an improvement.

Also, Kanye's beat for this track is so similar to Get By that it's just a reminder that Get By is a better track in every way than this track. So why listen to I Try or this album in general when you could listen to Get By and all of Quality?

Around My Way

This is classic Talib. I first heard it performed on the Chappelle Show and downloaded it immediately. I got the advance version of the track, which let Talib shine for his 2 verses.

So what do they do to the album version? They overproduce it to hell. It's probably fitting because production was such a problem for this album.

We Got The Beat

The first time I downloaded this track, I thought somebody had mistagged a Lindsay Lohan single as a prank. Then I heard Talib Kweli invoking us to "come on come on" in the background like a goddam aerobics instructor.

This is one of the worst rap songs I have ever heard. This one truly has to be heard to be believed.

Work It Out

This beat is just brutal.

On his Behind The Music episode, Dre talked about the wave chronic initially made within his circle as it became popular. After hearing Talib's hook, I'm starting to wonder if some unknown drug is making its way across the underground East Coast circuit. Or maybe it's just speed.

Either way, a whole lot of people had to be on something to produce this, rap on it, deem it album material, print it and release it.

Ghetto Show, featuring Anthony Hamilton

Everytime I hear Anthony Hamilton I wonder who he had to blow to get into the business.

Black Girl Pain, featuring Jean Grae

And then in the touch of a forward button, it's like all the bad tracks on this album never happened. Everything about this track (and the remainder of the tracks on this album) is incredible.

The only problem I have with this track is Talib only does one verse. Jean Grae also does a pretty good verse, but somehow there are only 2 verses on a 5 minute track. A final Talib verse should have found a way on there.

This is the first track that I would deem Quality material. The fact that we have to endure 10 tracks and about 40 minutes (much of it bad) to get to the gems on this album is just stupid.

Never Been In Love

This track is everything We Know tried to be and failed to be. Catchy hook, witty wordplay, strong lyrics and a soothing beat. This should have been the norm, not the exception.

Beautiful Struggle

Hi Tek produces the title track. I have no clue how someone can produce something this good and something as bad as Back Up Offa Me, but this album embodies maddening inconsistency.

Talib's lyrics on this track are probably the best conscious lyrics on the album.

You go to church to find you some religion
And all you hear is connivin' and gossip and contradiction and
You try to vote and participate in the government
And the muh'fuckin' Democrats is actin' like Republicans
You join an organization that know black history
But ask them how they plan to make money and it's a mystery
Lookin' for the remedy but you can't see what's hurtin' you
The revolution's here, the revolution is personal
They call me the political rapper
Even after I tell 'em I don't fuck with politics
I don't even follow it

Those lyrics are typical of Talib Kweli. They're exactly what someone who listened to Train of Thought, Blackstar, Reflection Eternal and Quality expected. I've wondered how a guy who says he doesn't follow politics also claim the Democrats are acting like the Republicans you ask? But I have a whole bunch of questions regarding this album's contradictions and inconsistencies.

I'm not sure why this album was such a flop, but I've read that Mos Def has also gone off the handle, claiming "Tall Israelis are running this rap shit."

There must be something strong goin around Brooklyn.



T: Remember when we used to be tight?
M: What do you mean tight? Tight how? Like a greedy Jew tight with his dough?
T: No, back when we made classic albums.
M: Oh yeah. *ONE TWO THREEEEEE, MOS DEF AND TALIB KWELIIII*
T: Those were the days.
M: Yeah, back before the Jews got their hands on the industry.

There is only one certainty in rap: the best producers don't make the best rappers, and the best rappers most definitely don't make the best producers. In fact, very few try both.

Look at a list of A list producers who have tried and you'll mostly find D list emcees. Dr. Dre of "never let me slip cause if I slip then I'm slippin" fame is a good example. Kanye raps for shit. On the other spectrum, we have good emcees like Marshall trying to produce, and the results show us just how important the producers are in the rap game.

One of the most important producers over the past few years has been The Alchemist. This guy's produced for a bunch of East Coast cats, making strong beats for the likes of Nas and most notably Mobb Deep. Some of his work, like You're Da Man off Stillmatic, is incredible. You almost certainly heard his work on the radio in the form of Mobb Deep's Got It Twisted this summer.

The Alchemist finally decided to release his own album, First Infantry. When it comes to producers dropping an album, they can follow the template of bringing in mostly other rappers for every track, like a Lil Jon, or they can do most of the rapping like Kanye. Thankfully, The Alchemist knows his limits, so this album is filled with guest spots, although he drops a few verses on the album.

Intro

This is basically 50 seconds of Alchemist just cutting samples galore. Whatever.

Dead Bodies, featuring The Game and Prodigy

Everything I keep reading and hearing says that The Game is going to drop a highly anticipated album in January. If someone can explain the difference between this guy and 50, besides a lack of mumbling, I'd love to hear it. And isn't there room for just one 50, or am I just wishing? The Game's verses suck.

Which only makes it right to stick P on there. Back in the day this guy was tight enough to get sampled on Reasonable Doubt. Now he can't even outrap The Game. P's career path has been like Snoop's without the limelight.

Alchemist puts out a fairly generic plodding beat. It actually reminds me of a more refined Marshall beat. The idea for this track would have worked if the collabo was a combo like Jada and Fat Joe.

Your Boy Al

Yeah, this is worthless. But it's not like it stopped any momentum.

The Essence, featuring Lox

Speaking of Jada, he arrives one track later and drops a typically nice verse. The rest of them are just wack on this track.

This beat's definitely better than the first, but it's still missing something that I can't put my finger on.

Hold You Down, featuring P, Nina Sky and Illa Gee

This single's gotten quite a bit of play. It's also the first time Alchemist drops a verse. As far as he goes, the verse is just fine.

A bunch of Alch's tracks use a sample excessively in which the rappers have their lines finished by the same sampled word again and again. My assumption is that this is simply done for mediocre emcees who don't rhyme or flow all that well. But I'd rather take this style than hear them try. Speaking of mediocre emcees, P's back again to drop a few short verses, which is fine. Illa Gee is just a total dreg.

I've heard this track dozens of times and still don't understand the point of having Nina Sky on it. I'm assuming that the guys just figured they'd bring in two hook-singing chicks to bang instead of the customary one. Nina Sky hopefully doubled their pleasure and doubled their fun.



Industry Rule 4080 (Interlude)

This is another pointless skit. It cuts into the same little routine of Your Boy Al. At this point, it should be noted that 3 of the first 6 tracks were unnecessary skits. Maybe producers don't realize the affect that this has on albums when they're producing individual tracks without hearing the entire product.

Stop The Show, featuring Stat Quo and MOP

This is an average beat with some pretty bad rapping. Worst track on the album so far.

D Block to QB, featuring Havoc, Styles and Jae Hood

When I first downloaded this album, I guessed by the title of this track that it had the potential to be the best track on the album. So far, I'm correct. This beat is hot. Styles is better on this track than that first Lox joint. Havoc, who now raps better than P (something many people could have never imagined saying 8-10 years ago), drops a fairly average verse.

Bangers, featuring Lloyd Banks

More G Unit. Yippee. I prefer Lloyd Banks over any other member of G Unit, which is basically another way of saying that I prefer Chinese water torture over the guillotine.

This track is pretty much blah all around.

Where Can We Go, featuring Devin the Dude

I hadn't listened to Devin the Dude for awhile. This track pretty much reminded me why. My tracklist says that the next track features Mobb Deep, so I'm skipping this crap.

It's A Craze, featuring Mobb Deep

This beat was as different from the first 8 tracks as possible. I'm liking it, and apparently so is Havoc, because he's better on this track too. The sample for the hook is nice.

As for P, if I think hard enough I can hear him going nuts on G.O.D. Part III and Shook Ones. Let's pretend he's not on this track.

For The Record, featuring Dilated Peoples

Alchemist keeps using the Alchemist calling card sample and First Infantry sample. I think it's been on every track, and he throws it on there in the middle of people's verses. If someone buys your fucking album, do you have to remind them that you're the producer on every track?

By the end of this track, you will start tearing your hair out to the words "Our boy Al, everybody's pal." Just trust me.

Boost The Crime Rate, featuring Jae Hood and Sheek

Without Jada, you could probably just refer to D Block as D12.

There's a weird tweak in this beat. It doesn't work for me, and none of the rappers help the cause either.

Strength of Pain, featuring Chinky

So after 4 minutes of talking about boosting the crime rate, Alchemist comes right back and hits us with a shitty R&B track featuring a shitty R&B singer. Talk about wrong time and wrong place.

This is the type of track that can turn a classic into merely a pretty good album. Of course, this album is nowhere near a classic, so they didn't really have to worry about a serious downgrade.

Soul Assassin's Tale (Interlude)

Why is there a 90 second interlude about the Lakers? The sad thing is that someone with an imagination could make a hell of a skit given 90 seconds to talk about Kobe Bryant.

Bang Out, featuring B-Real

This is like the 10th track on the album in which the last 30 seconds of the track is its own unrelated interlude bullshit. At this point, I'm not even sure 2/3 of this album is actually music.

Tick Tock, featuring Nas and Prodigy

This track is noticeable if only because it has Nas and P on the same track, a few years after Nas called Prodigy out on Destroy And Rebuild It off Stillmatic.

Maybe Nas was feeling so nostalgic that he dedicated his flow to P by being choppier than usual. Other than that, he's average for Nas, which makes it probably the 2nd best feature verse on the track.

What did I say about ignoring P again? Think of the beginning of Scarface and read the following lyrics:

Keepin you niggaz in perspective
Mobb, representative, call me the specialist
Professional, professor of this rap science
Up in the labratory, here's why your small rhyme bore me
Store bought rap ain't shit, my category
is that of an insane cat who strike back (what?)
I draw first blood, it's over with, and that's that
You wanna square off, forsake and slice that cat
You get splashed, from back of your head, to ass crack
Surgical signs to the end, with iron map
Which bring, apocalypse to this game called rap
Not a game but quite serious and yo in fact
You'll be runnin for dear life so far you might fall off the map
Fuckin with P, you need a gat
At least to have the opportunity to bust back

Can you believe that's the same guy? Me neither.

Pimp Squad, featuring T.I.

I'm probably gonna hear *AAAAAA LLLCHEMISSSSTT FIRST INFANTRY* in my nightmares tonight.

Different Worlds, featuring Infamous Mobb

I've always liked Noyd. His verse on Give Up The Goods, Party Over and his other verses on the mid 90s Mobb Deep tracks were always tight.

Noyd's not given enough to work with on this track. In fact, he should probably replace P in Mobb Deep if they do another album.

This track isn't so bad. In fact, it's even better because it's the end of the album, which means I don't have to waste anymore time reviewing this album.

I don't know exactly who would want to buy this album. If you're a fan of Alchemist's production, it means you're a fan of stuff like Win Or Lose, Got It Twisted, When U Hear The and shit like that. At most you'll find 3-4 tracks that are at best a few notches below that, and those are standouts on this album.

Alchemist is clearly someone I'd rather hear in shorter bursts, and on other people's albums.

I've heard some pretty good things about this Lil Wayne album. Before reviewing this, I have to admit that the only time I saw the words Lil Wayne and good in the same sentence was when my friend pointed out that Lil Wayne is a pretty good spitting image of Beetlejuice on the Howard Stern Show.

I'll be the first to admit that Go DJ and Bring It Back were catchy singles, but just when it seemed he was onto something, I heard that travesty he called a verse on that new Destiny's Child crap. So that brought me back to square one for this album.

Walk In

This intro track sure sounds a lot better after being subjected to intros from Diplomatic Immunity II and R.U.L.E.

Wayne's flow is all over the place. The beat could put me to sleep, but it's only an intro.

Go DJ

Is there another individual in the history of rap who looks like he should be less successful than Manny Fresh? But he still pulls production like this off.

Meanwhile Wayne does just enough to make the vocals work. At times he sounds manic, at other times he sounds like he's about to fall asleep. Lyrically this isn't mindblowing, but if that's what you're looking for from Cash Money, wow.

In the end, I guess the only thing this track really leaves a listener wanting is for Wayne's voice to undergo the normal processes associated with growing pubes.

This Is The Carter

Wayne's flow is like Cam's in that it never stays the same during tracks or even verses. Somtimes, like the previous track, this is ok. Sometimes, like this track, it just doesn't work.

Manny Fresh's hook is just weird but somehow it's catchy. The beat isn't his best.

BM Jr.

Just after I discuss Wayne's weird flowing, he keeps it pretty much the same throughout the first verse, and it's better that way. He gets a little different for the rest of the track; his last verse is pretty good by his standards.

The beat reminds me of Never Scared by Bonecrusher. The same sample couldn't have been used by two more different rappers, but this works.

On The Block #1

Why does an 18 second skit show up? To get the number of tracks to 20?

I Miss My Dawgs

Hearing Lil Wayne sing is one of those experiences only loved by someone who wants to keep their eardrums' immune system on their toes.

I can't hate on a guy for making a poignant song about missing his homies. The beat is suitable for this type of track. It's just that you can't help but laugh at the hook. Besides, Wayne's tribute to his dad on "Everything" was a cut above this one.

We Don't

Has any track ever survived an initial 2 minutes of nothing but Birdman? I don't think so. This one doesn't set that precedent either.

On My Own

In terms of lyricism, this is Wayne's most impressive track so far. I don't know how to describe the beat except that multiple listens could make my head hurt very much very fast.

Cash Money Millionaires

I bet you're wondering about the subject matter on this one...

Tha Heat

If Fresh did this beat, it's by far the worst one I've heard out of him in awhile. This track's beat is so stale that Wayne's everchanging flow and delivery is actually a much needed boost.

Inside

One of my biggest pet peeves is when an album intermission, skit or one minute freestyle track has a really tight beat that could have been used for a normal length track. This is one of those.

Bring It Back

This beat sounds so much like Get Your Roll On that it probably took Fresh about 5 minutes of editing that track to come up with this beat.

If there's anything Cash Money has been about over the past 5 years, it's that they're not going to change their formula when it's been so successful for them. These guys aren't exactly pushing the envelope. Get Your Roll On was a big hit for the group and this was a strong single for this album.

Wayne's flow and lyrics on this track are better than Go DJ. Anyone who's unashamed to rhyme "Cash Money Makaveli" with "Tom Petty" or brag about bagging bitches who have slept with the New Orleans Hornets (gunning for worst record ever) certainly doesn't have self esteem issues.

Who Wanna

When someone reaches that limit where they can't continue at the same pace they are currently at, they're said to hit the proverbial wall. Like Diplomatic Immunity II, this album just isn't diverse enough to keep the interest up for over an hour.

Wayne's presence on a track simply isn't enough to sustain 20 tracks or a solo album.

On My Block #2

I forgot about the two 20 second skits. It'd be hard to listen to Wayne straight for 18 tracks too.

Get Down

This track sounds like Wayne walked into a siesta and just started rapping as if it was a normal Cash Money beat. In otherwords, completely forgettable.

Snitch

Speaking of snitches, I just read on an ESPN article that a guy at today's Laker-Heat game yelled "You snitch" at Kobe as he shot free throws. I was looking for something to keep me awake for the rest of this album.

Then I actually paid attention to this track and realized that it's one of the few breaks from the usual Cash Money crap. Wayne actually talks about snitches and what happens to them. Personally I'd love to hear a Carmelo Anthony freestyle about snitching. It's also impossible to take Lil Wayne's ass seriously when he talks about intimidating and/or silencing snitches.

Hoes

Fresh begs "Let's just talk about __" Fresh pleads "Can we talk about __" It's back to Cash Money's regularly scheduled programming and producing.

Only Way

There are very few things more deflating in a rap track than hearing a tight beat and subsequently learning that the Birdman is about to grace the track with another appearance.

Earthquake

Remember the first scene between Marcellus and Butch in Pulp Fiction? Now, remember the song playing in the background? Imagine a couple of eccentric black guys sampling that and then singing and rapping to it. Hilarity definitely ensues.

Ain't That A Bitch

This track reminds me of about 12 other ones.

A few years ago, Lil Wayne dropped an album titled 500 Degreez, seemingly in response to Juvenile's popular 400 Degreez after Juve left. Wayne wasn't actually hotter than Juve then, and he probably still isn't, no matter how much self promotion he does on a long album.

Apparently a lot of people really like this type of music. But then again, I've never really understood the South in general. They can continue listening to Lil Wayne, and I'll just continue not listening to Lil Wayne.

I understand that the South is the laughingstock of this country and also the locale for at least a few individuals that have undeservedly been stereotyped as dumbass rednecks.

The problems are that unbelievably stupid stories like this are too common in the South.

FORT VALLEY, Ga. - A Fort Valley man walked nearly 2 miles with a bullet hole in his head after being shot in a robbery, determined to die in the presence of loved ones if that was his fate.

Sounds pretty impressive right? Sounds like a guy with resiliency and resolve?

Well this story explains how an individual can not only survive a headshot but also go on as though nothing had happened.

Larry Taylor, 37, finally made it to his mother's house, but didn't realize she had moved away to a nursing home.

It must be easier to survive being shot in the head when you have nothing up there.

Taylor told The Macon Telegraph he was walking to a friend's house around 9 p.m. Monday when a man approached him and asked to use his cell phone.

"I said, 'No,' then he said he would take the phone," he recounted. "I said, 'No,' then he pulled out the gun and shot me in the head. I didn't even know I was hit until I felt the blood coming down my face."

A guy shoots you for refusing to let him use your cell phone. So what do you do? Instead of using the damn thing yourself to call for help, you start walking all over the damn place. If this dumbshit doesn't even use the phone to call 911 after being shot in the head, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that he had some leftover minutes for the stranger to use this month.

So why is it that wastes of space and oxygen like this moron live through these incidents?

My guess is that you can't actually kill someone that's already braindead.

In a followup to that story about buying goats for Xmas, it turns out the British also have other unique gifts to give:

"Not only do people like the idea of giving something so unusual at Christmas, but you can also see how a goat, chicken, bike or midwife will make a difference to a person struggling against poverty," Oxfam manager Douglas Graham said.

Well, maybe not all of them are stocking stuffers, but some British presents will "deliver" gifts that you may have "stuffed in the stocking" yourself.

Bless those Brits.

This young girl Ciara's gotten some publicity for a couple of singles off her debut album "Goodies." It's pretty easy to see why.

I can just sense that this will be the greatest review ever.

Goodies

This track features Petey Pablo.



One Two Step

This track features Missy Elliot.



Thug Style

I've never heard this one.



Hotline

Yeah, this is hot.



Oh

This track features Ludacris. It also features this girl.



Pick Up The Phone

Call me and I will.

Lookin At You

Here's lookin at you too.



Ooh Baby

Wasn't that the name of an Ashanti track? She's not too bad herself.



Next To You

This track features Robert Kelly. From what I've heard, Ciara is legal. Hopefully that's enough to keep R Kelly from contaminating her.

And I

I think I heard this track on Ciara's official site, and hitting stop on my Internet Explorer didn't work. I have to say, listening to the music without a visual accompaniment really sucks.

Other Chicks

If you continue to look like that, they probably won't be a problem.

The Title

This contains a fairly smooth beat, but Ciara's singing really disappoints. All in all, it's a rather lackluster effort with no perceptible change in pitch or tempo.

Ciara's talking about an irresistible guy and says she's "ready to be your's." This message doesn't exactly mesh well with the recurring theme of her debut album's woman empowering message of not giving it up. Whoever this guy is who is being referred to on the track, he's one lucky bastard because it doesn't sound like her goodies are staying in the jar around him.

Goodies Remix

This features T.I. And Jazze Pha. And more goodies.



Well I'd have to say that Ciara's debut album looks like a success. And I anticipate seeing more of her work in the future.

Cam'ron's album "Come Home With Me" sold a surprising amount of records on the strength of a few singles. What he did next, propping up his boys, was much less surprising.

Those boys were Freaky Zeekey, Jim Jones and Juelz Santana, also known as The Diplomats. Put simply, anyone who liked Cam's style was bound to like The Diplomats, especially Juelz Santana. Those who bought Come Home With Me for something other than Oh Boy and Hey Ma were the fanbase for Diplomatic Immunity, the Diplomats' debut double album.

In addition to Cam's Purple Haze, Jim Jones of all people released a solo album. Juelz had his own last year. But The Diplomats just released their sophomore album, with the very surprising title of Diplomatic Immunity II. While all of this was going on, the Roc underwent some serious change with Dame Dash leaving, putting Jay Z at the top. Since Cam and Jay have never seen eye to eye, Dipset Records is bound to go elsewhere.

Stop-N-Go

Cam's been complaining about the lack of promotion his recent album Purple Haze got in terms of the push from his record label. For some reason it's weird to hear him promote Purple Haze on this intro and apologize for the push back of Purple Haze.

The first guy rapping on this track is J.R. Writer, which I can only assume is a somewhat clever nod to psychopath NBA baller Isaiah "J.R." Ryder. And wouldn't you know, this guy mimics Cam's unique rhyme scheme.

Cam himself drops Verse 3. For those who have heard Cam's 21st century stuff, his rhyme pattern is unmistakable. While most rappers focus on their flow, regardless of the complexity of their rhymes, Cam seems more interested in rhyming multiple syllables, often leading to choppy flows that change speeds. This can be a total hit or miss depending on the lyrics and the beat.

As for this track, the beat is nothing special for a Dipset track, and Cam's average.

S A N T A N A

On the other hand, this beat is a vintage Dipset beat, right up there with the beats for prominent Dipset tracks Get Em Girl, Dipset Anthem, and Santana's Town. Basically this is the type of track and beat Dipset fans like. So it's not too surprising that this track was a single.

Juelz Santana made his name on the singles from Come Home With Me at a fairly young age. Juelz copies Cam's style to the extent that he's practically a Cam MiniMe. With that said, he may possibly be more consistent with that style than Cam himself.

By multiplying the number of rhymed syllables, it's hard for a rapper to keep a verse's theme constant, let alone an entire song. For example, here are a few lyrics Santana drops on top of each other:

Bitch, I ain't her to wine ya, I ain't her to dine ya
I came her to pop ya, shit
And I came here for lobster
The whole damn shabang and they ain't brang the pasta
Now I got to be rude, they ain't got me my food
I'm not gonna be used, shots will eat through

The ironic thing is that Santana namedrops Pac a few times on the album (including this track), although Pac would sometimes forgo rhyming his verse at all to stay on message.

All in all, this track is pretty tight, although the little kid voice may get obnoxious after multiple listens.

Get Use To This

This track barely sounds like it's in CD quality. This beat reminds me of that Bravehearts track on God's Son, and if you never heard that one, I wouldn't exactly suggest that you drop what you're doing.

Our friend J.R. Writer is back to rap lyrics like "I started the starters and fathered the fathers who fathered. I slaughtered the slaughters and slaughtered the slaughters who slaughtered." Where did this guy get these rhymes? The short bus?

Meanwhile this J.R. Writer has dropped more verses than anybody else on this album. I never would have thought the sound of Jim Jones's voice would be welcome, but I have damn near reached that point.

Family Ties

This is track 4, and I think this is the 3rd hook that consists of Camron repeating the word Dipset. He's joined by some girl on the hook. She sucks.

This beat is ok. I actually got so bored during this track that I considered trying to figure out why this track was titled Family Ties. I hit forward within seconds.

Get From Round Me

Another problem with using Cam's style, as Juelz experienced in this track, is that if you can't rhyme something with "around me," you're bound to repeat Get From Round Me or end the line with "around me."

There's a random girl doing a few verses on this track. At the end of every line she draws out the last rhyme like a female Trick Daddy or something. That, or she just set the record for most orgasms experienced in 30 seconds.

I wanted to go ahead and write that this is one of the worst tracks on the album, except I've only listened to about 5 tracks and this one wasn't the worst.

Wouldn't You Like To Be A Gangsta Too?

Not if I talked or rapped like this.

Dutty Clap

You know an album's not exactly banging when you can see the words "featuring Jim Jones" after the song's title and actually anticipate an improvement in lyricism.

Well, if it's actually possible, Jim Jones disappoints. This song is unbelievably bad, even the beat.

A friend of mine once told me that one man's turd is another man's treasure. If that's true, then this album must be someone's Holy Grail.

I Wanna Be Your Lady

I was thinking this was a pretty damn weird name for a Diplomats track, for reasons like all of them are guys. Then I heard the sample. I've always wondered why people sample bad tracks for hooks and beats. This track compounds it by sampling both a bad beat and bad lyrics.

40 Cal

Some guy raps "I'm like Dr. Dre." I pray I'm not the first one to say no you are not.

Melalin

This track's production reminds me of a poor Kanye. Even worse, the flow on this track works about as well as a midget in a dunk contest.

It's actually a shame because this is the first song to have socially constructive lyrics. Just don't ask me what the hell Melalin is.

So Free

This is the second track to have this goon S.A.S. on it. He's like a pauper's Elephant Man. Any questions?

Dead

Cam's flow is totally off beat in this track. It sounds like Cam dropped an acapella and Marshall stopped by to do the production. Except he didn't.

This track could have been something if it had been a solo Juelz joint. I wonder how often something like that last sentence has been written.

Push It

Remember when Cam used to be Killa Cam, along with Murda Mase and Big L? Well I think it's time for the game to get someone to kill a Cam.

This track explains quite a bit, like why Cam wears pink. He's gone straight pussy.

Aayo-Iight

We've reached that point where this has gone from a terrible rap album to something that should be outlawed by the Geneva Convention.

Why make POWs do naked pyramids when you could make them listen to this stuff?

Bigger Picture

This track's not as bad as the last few. If the rest of the album is severely retarded, this track is merely Down's Syndrome.

Crunk Muzic

This beat is hot. So it only goes to figure that Cam comes lamer than ever before. Meanwhile, Juelz raps that he has been "labelled and known as a young Pac to the public." Who's the public? Helen Keller?

Thankfully I'm done with this review.

I guess I'll conclude this review by noting that I would rather wipe my ass with 15 dollars than spend it on this.

Ja Rule's formula for success was fairly simple; breakthrough with a hot single (Holla Holla), feature on a huge smash with Jay (Can I Get A), and then focus a sophomore album to appeal to the masses with hip-pop once you're known.

This formula led Ja Rule to damn near the top of the game in 2000. This same formula also led Ja Rule to the very bottom of the game in 2003. Using this formula, Rule 3:36 sold multiplatinum. Less than 3 years later, with the same formula, Blood In My Eye's sales struggled to match those of an unflushable toilet.

So what happened? Ja clearly had no idea, going so far as to hint at retirement. My guess is he suffered from two problems. #1 - Ja Rule might be the biggest example of an artist whose popularity vanished via overexposure. #2 - The beef with 50 and Shady Records seemed to create a backlash against Ja, who came to be seen as a poser and pussy compared to 50. And regardless of the fact that Ja won the beef against Shady Records with just one diss about Haylie, going up against Marshall the Mainstream ensured that Ja would be seen as the loser of the beef, and the millions of obsessed Marshallmaniacs were much less likely to buy Ja records.

With the beef behind him, Ja's newest record R.U.L.E. affirms that the retirement is not forthcoming, for better or worse. So let's find out which one of those it is.

The Inc. Intro

The intro is 2 minutes of gospel/God themed music that will almost surely be followed up by rapping about drugs, fucking, shooting and killing. How touching.

Last of the Mohicans

Within the first verse, Ja raps "I'm not very religious." So why the hell did he have to waste two minutes of my life with that intro?

The beat is fairly blah. At the very least, Ja raps a whole hell of a lot better than 50. He somehow didn't incorporate that very obvious fact into a diss during the beef. Then again, that's like saying Wild Turkey is better than Jose Cuervo.

On a somewhat unrelated note, the hook is done by Black Child, who sounds exactly like Freeway. Remember when rappers like Topp Dogg tried to sound like Snoop? A bunch of the 50/Ja beef centered over who was biting Pac. Has it really gotten so bad that rappers are trying to come up by sounding like Freeway?

Wonderful

*OH OH OH OH OH!!! OH OH OH OH!* Just about everyone has heard this track. The good news is that it's not quite as sappy as that Mesmerize crap. The bad news is that Ja felt obliged to make a track like this for obvious single purposes.

And just what the hell is the point of Ashanti's presence on this track? It's not hard to have a girl echoing R. Kelly in the background; the only thing required was a videocamera with audio feedback (especially that *OH OH OH OH OH* part).

What's My Name

Comparing Murder Inc. to Lazarus in the beginning of this track was surreal. I actually wouldn't mind if the entire label did the opposite of Lazarus and went from living to dead. Speaking of which, Murder Inc. is being investigated by the Feds for various crimes. If a murder attempt on 50 is not one of the allegations, I'll be disappointed.

To say Ja Rule's "What's My Name" doesn't match DMX's or Snoop's would be putting it succinctly. The hook is "J A R ... U L E." God this is terrible.

If I hadn't heard New York before, I might have just stopped right here. Good thing that's the next track.

New York

Ja was lucky enough to get Fat Joe and Jadakiss to lace the same track while both are basically at the height of their popularity off big singles.

This is a pretty tight track, and whoever did this beat earned their dough. This is clearly single material, which makes me wonder what necessitated Wonderful at all. I assume Ja was trying once again to appeal to thugs and mainstream pop lovers at the same time.

Of course, Clap Back was a pretty good track on the last album and we know how that venture fared.

Stripping Game (Skit)

Skits are just stupid. Especially one that tries to explain the history of stripping. These guys are barely rappers, let alone historians.

Manual

This seemed like a much better candidate for a hip-pop single than Wonderful to me. The beat's nice and easygoing. Ja attempts to ruin an ok track in which he raps relatively well (for Ja) through obnoxious singing on the hook. Reminds me of Marshall.

"40 to love and I wanna serve / that body like Serena's with less curves." I know Ja's got some sort of inferiority complex going over his lack of street cred, but Serena the tank truly would kick his ass.

Get It Started (Featuring Claudette Ortiz)

For some reason, this track prominently mentions Claudette Ortiz on reviews, tracklists and downloading titles. Maybe I missed something, but just who the hell is Claudette Ortiz? Were we supposed to know who this bitch is? She sounds like your typically terrible background bitch.

There was only one thing left to do. I actually can't tell you how good/bad this track is because I was too busy looking at images of Claudette Ortiz. And now I understand why the Murder Inc. crew would do whatever it took to get her in the studio.

R.U.L.E.

"Nobody can do it like I can do." Well that goes without saying, probably because it wasn't worth saying at all.

True Story (Skit)

This is the stupidest damn skit. They're really playing this comeback crap. If these guys had been more concerned about making good music than proving they were coming back, my ears might not be bleeding right now.

Caught Up

One time I read somewhere that people think this little boy Lloyd's got skills. if the contest requires looking like an 18 year old and singing like a 5 year old, I won't argue.

In the hook some random girl and Lloyd are singing back and forth to each other. But I actually had to listen hard to make sure that the entire hook wasn't done by Lloyd. I wish I was kidding.

Gun Talk

Other than New York, this track is so much better than anything else so far. The hook is tight, the beat rocks, and Ja's first verse is actually impressive. Where was this all album?

But this wouldn't be a Murder Inc. album if they didn't botch a good thing by adding that Freeway biting Black Child to totally slaughter the middle of the track. For the last verse, Ja Rule reverts to lame lyrics.

Never Thought

Everything about this track misses. The beat's too boring, Ja's too boring, and I'm sick of the same hooks by the same females.

Life Goes On

"How many brothers fell victim to the streets..."

How could I not listen to the Pac track? Same title, same idea, not even close to the same rapper or same track.

The Ja version features Trick Daddy and Chink Santana. The two of them sound somewhat similar. And let's just say Chink Santana couldn't hold the jockstrap of Juelz Santana.

Weed (Skit)

Like I'm actually going to listen to this.

Where I'm From

Let me guess: New York?

Seriously, this track's all right. "If I'm wrong then pardon me. / I'm just tired of poverty. / Why them niggas in the hood never hit the lottery? / Unless they go lottery..."

Even Lloyd is ok on this one. I don't understand why Ja is incapable of putting more tracks like this on an album in place of dregs like Never Thought.

Bout My Business

A whole stable of Murder Inc scrubs shit all over this track. It's probably harder work to be this bad than it is to be ok.

It makes me cringe to think just what they did to get on Murder Inc. Why not send these cats West and have them make a name for themselves at the expense of a couple G Unit casualties?

Passion

Ja sings "Nobody loves me." As if it's any wonder why that might be?

Then he sings, "I know you love me, but I'm still waitin for the love to come hug me." I would qualify that as perhaps being the gayest thing ever said on a rap track, except this really isn't rap, and Elton John is on the #1 selling rap album of last week.

And basically that's the problem with Ja Rule. There are plenty of rappers who can make hard songs and rap ok enough to matter. In fact, they're a dime a dozen.

So that seems to leave Ja trying to find a niche with this singing bullshit that he's been doing after Venni Vetti Vecci. But what's the point in trying to find a niche if it's not worth having?

The guy could run a Marathon with Bonecrusher on his back and clean out NYC Michael Corleone style on the same day, but he'd still be considered a pussy with this formula. R.U.L.E. doesn't change that, and if you burned yourself a CD of all the banging tracks over Ja's career, you wouldn't even recognize him.

May you all be so lucky as to not have British friends during the holiday season.

It's hairy and smells and will butt you, given half a chance. But the humble goat is one of Britain's most popular Christmas presents, with several charities offering the chance to do something for others by buying one of the animals for an impoverished family in the developing world.

Nothing says holiday cheer like buying an animal that "provides nutritious milk, useful manure and edible offspring."

The Brits' finely tuned humor abounds in this article too.

A third charity, Christian Aid, is also promoting goats with its "Goat For It" campaign.

"Traditionally, the British public has been less willing to fund overseas development charities, but the "goats for Africa" scheme has succeeded by tapping into the traditional national love of animals," opined "The Guardian" newspaper Thursday.

"Less of the Christmas 'bah, humbug,' more of the 'baa'," the newspaper wrote.

As for Americans, I suggest buying a different "Jules Winfield trademarked filthy animal." Ladies love puppies.

Conservatives have finally found something to claim vote fraud over: counting every ballot by hand in the Washington governor race.

The crowd chanted "No new votes!" and "No more fraud!" They held signs saying "Welcome to Ukraine" and wore orange, a tribute to the signature color of demonstrators in Ukraine who protested a fraud-marred election there.

At the very same time that these conservatives cried foul, the Republican Party was hard at work doing what it's always trying to do: suppress votes in a heavily Democratic County.

A Pierce County judge on Friday granted the state Republican Party's motion for a temporary restraining order to stop King County from counting those newly discovered ballots. King County, the state Democratic Party and the Secretary of State appealed the case to the state Supreme Court.

Hypocrisy at its finest.

From Billboard:

Late rapper Tupac Shakur grabs his third posthumous Billboard 200 chart-topper as "Loyal to the Game" (Amaru/Interscope) enters the chart at No. 1. The set, which sold 330,000 copies in the United States, according to Nielsen SoundScan, becomes the late rapper's fifth No. 1 on the tally.

The 5 albums that Pac has debuted at #1 with are All Eyez On Me, Me Against The World (which made Pac the first artist to debut at #1 while incarcerated), Makaveli (which came out less than 2 months after his death), Until the End of Time and this dreg. That list includes 3 hiphop classics and a disc that had 2 decent singles for promotion.

So how does a terrible album with no promotion, no single and no video before its release date join such an illustrious list? Being the sharp analytical thinker that I am, I will attempt to make sense of it.

Crap Still Sells

The primary reason this news should be hard for rational people to believe is that the album sucks. But I for one have been around long enough to notice that crappy albums still get ate up like an Old Country Buffet hosting Big Pun. For example, 800,000 tards bought Encore in a span of like two days. We all know one; I even happen to live with one.

The sad truth is that we live in an era where Stillmatic sells about as much as a single featuring a duet of Nelly and Tim McGraw.

Motivated fan bases go a long way.

This can be semi related to the Crap Still Sells reason. Throw an artist's name on an album and that artist's motivated fan base doesn't care about promotion or singles: the fan base will buy it.

There's no question that Pac's name is still one of the most preeminent names in rap, if only because rappers constantly mention him on tracks, put pictures of him in videos (Got Yourself A Gun), use his verses on mixtapes (DJ Green Lantern), use Pac's name or beats or lyrics in beefs (Ja/50), or because there's seemingly a new album out every year. This last fact has become such a staple of the industry over the past 8 years that it's practically become a joke. If Sir Charles brings it up on TNT Inside the NBA, you know it's hit mainstream.

Pac's mother and everyone else who wants to use Pac as a mealticket has realized this since September 13, 1996. Afeni has literally been paying off her drug habit for years on the strength of her son's name. The worst sales a posthumous Pac album got were Better Dayz' 1.6 or so million. 95% of the game would kill for that.

So if you wanted to maximize profits, what would you do? Cut corners, go with cheap production and put out crap. After this week, it's become clear to me that a diehard fan base would buy a studio recording of their favorite artists taking a dump. In fact, 800,000 literally did just that in a few days by buying Encore.

I'm about as happy as a person can be for a dead guy, and at least the money is going to his family. Let the 330,000 drones waste their money. The The Free Tupac Movement sums up why I wasn't 330,001, and why a whole load of others weren't taking the bait.

It seems everybody involved wants to be loyal to the game, but no one wants to be loyal to Tupac.

We are not against the remixing of songs, we understand that beats need to be updated as often they were not finished or original samples were not cleared. What we are against is the manipulation of Tupac's voice, his message and his legacy by greedy individuals. We are not against Afeni Shakur or Tupac's family, we understand that Afeni loves her son, but we are against people being put in charge of Tupac's work who do not have his best interest at heart.

Believe it or not, Adolf Hitler was officially a criminal.

Adolf Hitler spent years evading taxes and owed German authorities 405,000 Reichsmarks -- equivalent to $8 million (4.1 million pounds) today -- by the time his tax debts were forgiven soon after he took power, a researcher says.

Dubon found that Hitler earned 1.232 million Reichsmarks in 1933 from sales of "Mein Kampf" -- his book outlining his doctrine of German racial supremacy and ambitions to annex vast areas of the Soviet Union.

He should have paid tax on 600,000 Reichsmarks of that income but didn't, the researcher found.

And all this time we were led to believe he was an upstanding citizen beforehand!

British students analyzed the character Gollum to determine his mental status.

Thirty students at University College London were asked to explain the odd behaviour the character displayed in the films based on the J.R.R. Tolkien trilogy.

The students noted his solitary habits, spiteful behaviour, odd interests, difficulty in forming friendships, emotional changeability, nervousness and paranoia.

"He fulfils seven of the nine criteria for schizoid personality disorder, and, if we must label Gollum's problems, we believe this is the most likely diagnosis," Dr Elizabeth Sampson, who headed the research team, said in the British Medical Journal on Friday.

His bulging eyes and weight loss also suggests a thyroid problem, they added.

Reuters doesn't tell us when we'll get the results of the researchers studying the morons who put this report together.

Besides, if you took a gold ring away from a woman, Gollum will appear to be on sedatives.



It's a shame Mary Kate Olsen went uncredited for such fine work.

Technically, we could blame this one on a Spaniard.

But I'll give you one guess as to where it was published:

Francisco Belda Maruenda, a family doctor in Murcia, said in order for the offside rule to be applied correctly referees and linesmen must keep at least five moving objects in their visual fields at the same time -- two attacking players, two defenders and the ball.

But the human eye and brain cannot process all the necessary information to do it, and then make an instant, correct decision.

"This is beyond the capacity of the human eye, which may explain why so many offside decisions are controversial," Maruenda said in a report in the British Medical Journal.

Thank God I found something worthy to add to an entry involving soccer and the Brits. Maybe the next thing they'll research is if this entry was the first time the words "worthy" and "soccer" appeared in the same sentence.



I'm going to go out on a hunch and guess that this photograph was not part of the porn found in Jacko's ranch. But I for one would never turn down a shot of Brandi "Apparently No E In" Chastain.

I had a weird dream last night in which I attended a double funeral held for Queen Elizabeth II and the Pope, at the same time.

Maybe the Brits' insanity is contagious.

A worker at Britain's Buckingham Palace has been sacked for trying to sell a Christmas pudding gift from Queen Elizabeth on an Internet auction site.

The Mirror said the 6.25 pound ($12.18) pudding, which went on sale for 20 pounds, was a spare as Church had not been given one himself as he had not worked at the palace long enough.

An unnamed source told the paper Church had been sacked for committing a "security breach."

When the media asked for evidence of this man's guilt, one Palace staff member replied, "The proof is in the pudding."



Meanwhile, it certainly looks like Miss Elizabeth kept the tapioca for herself.

Just remember to stay out of Ukranian politics.

The picture combo shows Viktor Yushchenko in file photos dated March 28, 2002, left, and Dec. 6, 2004, right. The Ukrainian opposition leader and presidential candidate's mysterious illness that scared his face was caused by dioxin poisoning, doctors said Saturday Dec. 11, 2004, in Vienna, Austria.

I believe that's one of those things they call a Freudian slip.

I have to admit it. After last night's review of Loyal To The Game, I had to get that bad taste out of my mouth. I did so by reassuring myself that there are hundreds of great Pac tracks out there, which led to this review.

So why did I choose All Eyez On Me, out of the dozen plus official albums? Well there's the aforementioned reason above, but I also picked this one because I believe it's overrated. All Eyez On Me set a lot of precedents, being the first double rap CD of original material ever, and selling so much Pac had to mention it in a bunch of tracks. Everybody in America has heard California Love etc.

Yet All Eyez On Me isn't even one of Pac's best 2 albums. And like every other rap artist who has tried to do a double album, the results would have been better with one album. That's not to say this album isn't great, because it obviously is, and 95% of the rappers who have ever touched a mic could never and will never come close to All Eyez On Me.

Anyway, on to the review.

Book 1

Ambitionz As A Ridah

I won't deny it, this track's a straight banger. And if you don't believe me, ask Mike Tyson, who has this track play when he enters the ring. Unlike Tyson, this track has stood the test of time. Killa Cam is so obsessed with the beat that he had Daz do it for a Cam track, and Cam had the track play in 2 of his videos off "Come Home With Me." Fab's debut single had Nate sample the hook.

Ambitionz would have been the perfect intro track for a single album as well; this definitely makes the cut. This track alone is worth more than the new album.

All About U

Admit it, the hook is catchy. Obviously in terms of lyrics, this wasn't exactly classic, but it wasn't supposed to be. Fatal and Kadafi do verses on it, but most importantly we can witness the start of Snoop's ending on this track. Snoop must have been affected by some serious Dr. Dre-itis or something: he was too lazy to even do a verse on the outro, opting to mumble some incoherent sounding shit about hoes and videos. Come to think of it, it reminds me of 50 on Loyal To The Game, or 50 in general.


Skandalouz

It's hard to believe Daz had Ambitionz As A Ridah in him. This was more like it. As the title suggests, this track is about "scandalous bitches." Frankly, Nate and a nice beat aside, this track's an album filler. If we cut this album down to one CD (which I will do at the end of this review), this is one of the first tracks not to make it.

Got My Mind Made Up

This track brings Method Man and Redman, as well as some voice doubles on the outro from one of the other Clan members. Another Daz beat, except this track brings some intrigue. Apparently Pac was of the assumption that Dre did this beat and he ran to the guys with it wanting to do a track. Daz then corrected him and explained that it was his beat. This was one of the first signs of trouble between Pac and Dre. By Makaveli, when he was in full beef mode with Dre, Pac asserted that Dre was lazy and took credit for other people's work.

As for the track itself, it's a tight collaboration. Probably not among the top 13 tracks.

How Do You Want It

Pac's delivery is vintage Pac, and this coupled with California Love to create the huge single that also brought Hit Em Up. The video was made for Playboy, let's just leave it at that.

Anyway, I never cared for this track all that much, although plenty of people would definitely disagree with me.

2 of Amerikaz Most Wanted

The collaboration that was a long time in coming, the two labelmates on trial for felonies. 2 of Amerikaz Most straight from the West Coast.

Like How Do You Want It, this is a track I don't care all that much for, and Pac outshines Snoop convincingly.

No More Pain

DeVante from Jodeci laces this beat and it's a hard hitter. Yeah, I just put the words Jodeci and hard hitter in the same sentence. This beat is tight, and Pac unloads on it, with a long outro dissing Biggie for the first time on wax. Depending on your mood, this is the type of track you want to play.

Heartz of Men

Pac flows a lot like How Do You Want It, except this beat is tighter, and he's ridin on the subject matter. Everything about this track is tight.

Life Goes On

This might be Pac's greatest song ever. Pac is at his most emotional, his lyrics are sharp, the beat is good. In the last verse, Pac raps about what he wants at his funeral, which would come about 7 months to the day that this album dropped. Of course the guy was cremated, so all that shit about putting stuff in his casket didn't come into play.

I've never met anyone who didn't like this track, including old white people. Along with I Aint Mad At Cha, this track is the cream of the crop on this album.

Only God Can Judge Me

This might be the worst beat on the album. Nuttso's guest spot is somewhat questionable, but then again Pac worked with E-40, the only man on Earth corny enough to rhyme "rubber" with "whasupper." Anyway...

Tradin War Stories

If there's anything this track will teach you, it's that every track with just Pac on it is inherently better than any track without just Pac on it. This track reminds me of anything D12 crapped on 3 years ago.

California Love (Remix)

I'm not sure why they put the remix version on this album instead of the original. Perhaps they wanted to move more singles sales. Either way this album's sold over 10 million and the Cali Love/How Do You Want It single sold multi platinum too.

This track also fueled the Dre/Pac beef, as Dre had wanted to use this track as a single on his album. When Pac joined the label, that plan was off. Thank God.

I Ain't Mad At Cha

This track is a classic. People have tried to speculate who Pac was referring to. I have no clue, and my guess is that he wasn't referring to anyone in particular.

In the video, which came out only days after his death, Pac is shot and killed in a public place and raps in heaven alongside various dead celebs. People tried to make rumors out of that, but what they missed was an incredible "video version" with a verse totally different than the track on the album.

Whatz Ya Phone #

This is the definition of album filler if ever there was one. Without doubt this was one of the weirdest tracks Pac ever did, and most serious rappers don't put something like this out, but even Nas has his Dr. Knockboots.

Pac's delivery on this track is at a breakneck speed but most of the track is a phone sex conversation between Pac and some random hoochie. If you're really that hard up for something like this, may I suggest reading Kenneth Starr's Report on Monicagate.

Book 2

Can't C Me

This is a Dre beat originally done for a track with Dre and the Dogg Pound. Again, all bets were off when Pac showed up and the other version never came out. Of course, we didn't need an entire song from Pac telling Biggie and others that they can't see him.

Shorty Wanna Be A Thug

The beat kinda gets on my nerves. Pac also has a bunch of tracks about young kids who get caught up in gangbanging at a young age. When it comes to this type of track, Young Niggaz off Me Against The World is light years ahead of this one.

Holla At Me

This one's the hidden gem of All Eyez On Me. The up tempo beat lets Pac unleash on Biggie (without naming names) and the girl who accused him of rape in 94 with a fast delivery. In fact, if Hit Em Up was just a total onslaught of rage and venom, it still amounts to little more than doing Biggie's wife and saying fuck you.

This one's more personal. Here's an excerpt:

When me and you was homies
No one informed me it was all a scheme
You infiltrated my team and sold a nigga dreams
How could you do me like that?
I took ya family in
I put some cash in ya pocket
Made you a man again
And now you let the fear put your ass in a place
complicated to escape
It's a fools fate
Without your word you a shell of a man
I lost respect for you nigga
We can never be friends
I know I'm runnin' through your head now
What could you do?
If it was up to you
I'd be dead now
I let the world know nigga you a coward
You could never be live
Until you die
I see the mothafuckin' bitch in your eye

I'll take this over "How did Pac and Biggie get to Heaven? They both had Faith."

Wonda Why They Call You Bitch?

Most people take the title of this track when they're making the argument that Pac was a walking contradiction who could make Brenda's Got A Baby and then talk about hoes and bitches in the next track. While he did do some of that before, this track's not exactly that.

Pac specifically aims this one at a black Congresswoman, C. Delores Tucker. He also mentioned Delores Tucker on How Do You Want It ("Delores Tucker, you'se a motherfucker/Instead of trying to help a nigga, you destroy a brother"). To make a long story short, Delores Tucker called hip hop misogynistic and big negative words that rappers mostly don't understand or care to understand. She mentioned Pac's music explicitly by calling it "pornographic smut." Pac wanted to make a track explaining the difference between a woman and a bitch, so he makes this story.

Delores Tucker would go on to sue Pac's estate after he died, claiming that the mentions of her name on How Do You Want It and Wonda Why They Call You Bitch ruined her sex life. If this is the case, this should certainly be considered one of Pac's greatest accomplishments and a lasting legacy that everyone with an imagination can be thankful for.

When We Ride

D12 and Marshall basically took this entire theme for their own collaboration When the Music Stops on the Em Show. This track's better, although there's way too little Pac on it.

Fatal, probably the best Outlaw, drops a tight verse on this track. That's all there is to hear on this track.

Thug Passion

When I initially went through Book 2, I totally missed this track while doing the review. How fitting.

This would be a decent party song, except most of the album is inundated with party songs that are just as good as this one, which makes this track rather obsolete.

Picture Me Rollin

Pac was rarely outclassed on a track, especially by the likes of Syke, but this track (which made the Greatest Hits CD) might be it. This is one of those ultimate car ride tracks, as the title implies. This was Big Syke's "AZ on Life's A Bitch" moment of his career.

Pac's outro is entertaining too.

Check Out Time

This track's a total album filler. Even the topic is retarded. With that said, Pac does all his rhymes in threes, which is an interesting changeup. Kurupt and Syke mail their verses in.

Rather Be Ya N.I.G.G.A.

This is a chill song, but it doesn't belong on a Pac album. Richie Rich is featured on this track, but it was a different Richie Rich and Pac track that made a splash in November 1996. Released right on the heels of Makaveli was Richie Rich's album Seasoned Veteran, and Pac's featured on the track Niggaz Done Changed, on which he raps "I've been shot and murdered, can't tell ya how it happened word for word, but best believe that niggas gone get what they deserve."

Of course, Pac says something to the same effect on this album, but alive theories are/were more fun than the dead ones.

All Eyez On Me

This beat is pretty tight, and Pac comes pretty strong on it. The most well known part of this track is the hook, as well as the way Pac sings All Eyez On Me. A few of the dregs over at Shady Records have been trying hard not to let us forget it by sampling it on their own tracks.

Run Tha Streetz

Man this track sucks. I don't think Pac doing this track by himself could have saved this one. That chorus almost makes me wish for a Marshall hook. ALMOST.

Ain't Hard 2 Find

Here are the lyrics I was talking about in the Rather Be Ya NIGGA blurb:

I heard a rumor I died, murdered in cold blood dramatized
Pictures of me in my final stage
You know mama cried
But that was fiction, some coward got the story twisted
Like I no longer existed, mysteriously missing
Although I'm worldwide, baby I ain't hard to find

Do I really need to review this track?

Fine. It's got E-40 on it. That should just about settle this one.

Heaven Ain't Hard 2 Find

This track would have been perfect as one of the studio scraps added to a posthumous album. As it is, Pac put this track on the album to do Quincy Jones's son (QDIII), who produced the track, a favor.

The track itself is a decent effort out of Pac, but Danny Boy will leave you wondering if he's ever going to hit puberty. At the very least he'll make you understand why Boy is part of his moniker.

So that's the entire album, something like 28 tracks or something. I'll cut it down to 12 tracks, which was the length of Makaveli.

Ambitionz As A Ridah
Holla At Me
No More Pain
California Love
Can't C Me
All About U
Heartz Of Men
All Eyez On Me
Picture Me Rollin
I Ain't Mad At Cha
Life Goes On
Heaven Ain't Hard 2 Find

The hardest hitting tracks flow into the party tracks. Then Heartz of Men through Picture Me Rollin lead into the soft introspective tracks.

Would this single CD have been better than Me Against The World? Maybe. Better than the double disc? Certainly. Better than Makaveli, my favorite rap CD? Well I think I answered that myself.

Regardless, it's a lot more fun thinking about the early 96 period than it is thinking about Loyal To The Game. And this was likely an exercise in futility, given that anybody who actually reads this page has heard this album more times than necessary.

Then again, when I consider today's alternatives, I "just lose it."

Pac has been my favorite rapper since I started listening heavily to rap music as I came up. With him being dead, it's a rarity to hear new stuff out of the god. Obviously I'm not the only one who feels that way: a few posthumous Pac albums have debuted at #1, Pac's sold about 20 million records since September 13, 1996, and name recognition alone still places his albums among the highest selling in rap for the year that it drops.

I'm not the only one who understands this. Neither are you. Neither is Afeni Shakur. Neither is T.I. and the other pitiful scrubs that have found their way onto Pac's album in place of Spice 1, Big Stretch, Hussein Fatal and other people Pac was close with. And now neither is Marshall.

The sad fact of the matter is that Pac's name and music is still a multi million dollar business with plenty of people still mining for gold. Well it finally appears with this album as though the gold has run out, and only rocks are left. But that didn't stop Marshall from hitting the bottom and continue digging.

Soldier Like Me

It's one thing for Marshall to be one of the worst people in the studio behind the boards. After listening to Until the End of Time, it's not like the production on Pac's posthumous stuff was being done by DJ Premiere or The Alchemist. But Marshall has this unbelievably terrible habit of switching Pac's flow, chopping his verses and inserting words elsewhere.

How good was this track back when it was made? Probably a lot better than this. And then Marshall's whiny voice does the hook. Good god.

Uppercut

This track's beat reminds me of the first one, but for some reason this one's almost listenable. Go figure: Marshall makes one of his better beats for what sounds like some of the worst lyrics Pac ever spit. Of course, this isn't Pac's flow so maybe this actually sounded acceptable back in the day. I certainly trust Pac's opinion over Marshall's or his mother's.

Out On Bail

Let's get this straight. This track is almost 11 years old. And yet in the beginning, Marshall chops his words so that he says "Drop that shit, Em." So not only does Marshall chop his verses and slow down his flow, but he creates new Pac lyrics. What a genius.

There used to be a small clip of Pac doing this track live that people fiended over. Well at least Marshall didn't mess with Pac's flow this time. I don't know what the hell is going on with this beat: it sounds like Marshall suffered a seizure.

Pac even shouts out Em in the outro in what can only be one of the weirdest lines ever: "It's my motherfuckin nigga Em behind the boards on this shit." Yes, that's Tupac freakin Shakur calling the ghost's body double in that Casper movie his nigga. Pac would probably be pointing the gun at himself by this point.

Ghetto Gospel

This was easily one of the best unreleased tracks Pac left us. It certainly needed a new beat, but lyrically and flow wise this is one of the best tracks Pac recorded in the 91-94 period before Me Against The World. The way Pac gets into the hood tales was his trademark before 1995.

So what happens? I had already been induced to Marshall slowing Pac's flow down before this track or I would have flipped out immediately. But then I immediately hear the crooning of the only individual whiter than Marshall on this album.

ELTON FUCKING JOHN. On a Tupac Shakur CD. I may never come to grips with this. So we have Marshall, one of the biggest gay baiters in rap music, producing a track for Tupac Shakur, creator of such lines as "check your sexuality, as fruity as this alize" and "gay ass Dre," with the runner up in the Queer Eye casting competition serenading his gayness on one of my favorite rap tracks.

Black Cotton

Have I mentioned that the Outlawz suck? The three best Outlawz, Fatal/Kadafi/Syke, all left the group or died after Pac's death in 96. In fact, only big Pac heads, like myself, can even tell you which Outlaw is which on a track. They almost always range somewhere between terrible and horrible. For those interested, the first one is Kastro, whose career hit its highpoint on Hail Mary off the Makaveli album. Ditto for Young Noble, the second Outlaw on this track.

Pac's lyrics are tight on this track. Leave it to Marshall and that grating obnoxious voice to do the hook.

Intermission

No, this isn't a track on the album. I had to take a slight break and listen to some real Pac tracks to make sure he actually was tight. Sure enough, he was.

Moving on...

Loyal To The Game

Marshall actually speeds Pac's verse up on this track. He slows them down when they need to be fast and then he speeds up Pac's vocals on one of his ultimate chill songs.

Loyal To The Game originally appeared on the Above The Rim soundtrack, one of the most famous music soundtracks as far as rap is concerned (who can forget Regulators?). This track featured Treach and Riddler and a classic 94 G Funk beat.

Putting *G-G-G-G-UUUUNIT!* on this track is a travesty. If they were replacing the Outlawz on one of those studio scrap tracks, this would have been ok with a half decent beat (see: anybody Pac worked with in 96 on his worst day).

Thugs Get Lonely Too

This was one of those studio scrap fun tracks that I was talking about. The original version was somewhat catchy. This version just sucks. This was hardly a Pac masterpiece before Marshall slowed down the vocals beyond belief.

And why waste Nate on this track? It must be a druggie thing: maybe Afeni should stop that.

N I G G A

Jada can rap. He even spits a couple of nice tribute lines to Pac on the track.

Marshall produced this track. How did I know? Well, this is track 8, and it sounded like Track 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7. I'm actually developing a migraine.

Who Do You Love

I'm on record as saying that the original version of this track was the worst damn shit Pac ever did. I mean, it was just horrible. I might go so far as to claim the production was below Marshall's pitiful standards.

Well Murphy's Law meant that nothing about Pac's vocals would be touched on this track, hook included. And Murphy's Law held true. Taking Stretch off probably did a dead man a favor. A man associated with tracks like Pain and Holler If Ya Hear Me deserved to be disassociated with this track. So did Pac.

Intermission #2

I listened to a bit of 2pacalypse, Thug Life and Strictly. Yeah, he was tight back then. And I understand how none of this current stuff made it on there.

A Crooked Nigga

I hit play and was nearly blown away by the speakers. This sounded like Marshall hit record and then gave Pac Mia Wallace's adrenaline shot. I don't even think this track was done in CD quality. If Pac hadn't been cremated he'd be rolling in his grave right now.

At this point, maybe Suge can rehire the cat who popped Biggie to take care of Marshall. And what's with guys simply using fists on Dre at the Vibe Awards: is Suge going soft on us?

Don't You Trust Me

Marshall slowed down Pac's vocals on this soft song, making him sound like a straight pussy. And that was before Dido started singing.

I'm not sure who did the production on this one, because there's too much noise going on at once to be just Marshall. Maybe he had help from one of the Stans in the studio who was only there to blow him. Hey, everyone else was raping Pac's album, why not add someone else to the gravy train.

Hennessey

If Pac ever had a serious flaw when it came to rapping, it was that he too often reverted to rhyming shit with "hennessey" or "thug nigga." If we had a nickel for everytime Pac rhymed thug nigga with drug deala in his 8 or so years rapping, we'd all be rich.

This beat is straight stupid. But at least the chopping of Pac's verse to mish and mash with Obie Trice's verse sorta worked. How sad is it that Obie had one of the 2 best guest spots on here? Maybe I'm just giving him too much credit for mentioning Pac's glory days and shouting him out.

Thug For Life

This is one of the worst beats I have ever heard. Marshall has officially given me a migraine. Pac wasn't giving him much to work with anyway.

Po Nigga Blues

Well this beat is at least tolerable. When we're talking production, Pac is a guy who worked with individuals like DJ Quik, Dr. Dre, Stretch, Johnny J, QDIII and just about any producer he wanted to work with. Some of the all time classic beats in rap music were on All Eyez On Me and Makaveli.

I can't believe it can be so low that this is one of the best beats on a Pac album.

Hennessey Remix

Why are there 2 versions of this track on the album, you ask? That's a damn good question. I think I already wasted time discussing the first one.

This album just went from really bad to comical.

A Crooked Nigga Too

Ditto above. Maybe Marshall and Andre will do us a favor by getting in a black BMW and rolling down the Las Vegas Strip to Flamingo and Koval after a Tyson fight.

Loyal To The Game

At least this version got one of Pac's homeboys on it. No replacement for Treach or anything.

And with that, this album mercifully comes to an end. I never thought I'd reach the point where I hoped Pac music would stop coming out, but this may have sent me over the edge.

I hope this is officially the end of one of the greatest rap careers of all time.

The only thing nearly as funny as the story itself is the way MSNBC headlines it: "Sad Serb axes penis, then regrets decision"

“My wife is sick, and I can’t even buy medicine. My father, mother and I live from my father’s paltry salary,” the man was quoted as saying.

“I saw no other way out, grabbed a rusty two-and-a-half-kilo ax, took my penis out, put it on a log and bam!”

So much for getting a job or at least trying or something. Then again, now this dumbass can probably get a book deal or something.

The doctor really sums the entire episode up:

“The most important thing is that his tool is back in place. All’s well that ends well,” said doctor Srecko Djordjevic, who performed the operation.

Do the Serbs really call a penis a "tool?" I thought that was a slang.

Either way I'm starting to understand the whole "Bombs Over Belgrade" campaign a bit more.

Stevie Wonder is upset at Marshall Mathers for his mocking of Jacko in Just Lose It, both the track and video.

Stevie makes it some weird sort of race issue.

"He has succeeded on the backs of people predominantly in that lower pay bracket, people of color. So for him to come out like that is bull."

But that's not all Stevie had to say. Stevie let us know where Marshall stands on the rap pecking order.

"I have much respect for his work, though I don't think he's as good as (late rapper) 2Pac."

All that can be said for that is duh. Anyone who listens to Encore objectively could figure out right away that Eminem couldn't see Pac. Actually, neither could Stevie.

Since Marshall can't beat Pac, it seems more and more that he's insistent on joining Pac, at least on wax. MTV properly headlines it "Eminem Works Tupac."

The results will probably make Stevie wish he was deaf too.

A town in Utah has a law limiting the number of pets allowed in a household.

The current law allows residents to own up to two dogs or two cats at the same time but not a dog and cat together.

Of course, we'll probably be waiting awhile for the town to enact a limit on the number of spouses allowed in the household.

Today brings a bevy of more oddities across the Atlantic.

Apparently the same people who occupy themselves by giving war medals to animals don't even know what Auschwitz is.

And then there's this gem:

A Father Christmas will have a webcam in his grotto to overcome parents' concerns after a number of high-profile pedophile cases in Britain in the past few years.

The St Elli shopping center in Llanelli, south Wales, said children taking part in the traditional Christmas ritual of telling Santa their gift wishes would also sit beside him rather than on his knee.

"It's a sad sign of the times," St Elli manager Gilmour Jones was quoted as saying by the Guardian newspaper on Friday.

"But I'm afraid that it was either this or not having Santa's grotto at all."

In unrelated news (we hope), investigators searched Jacko's ranch today. No word yet on whether a white beard and red hat were found at the scene.



HO HO HO

My day just wouldn't be complete without an MTV Insider look at the trials and tribulations necessary to make garbage music.

When Gwen Stefani got the call that Linda Perry was ready to write with her, the first thing she did was bury her face in a pillow and cry. All she wanted to do was sleep.

Don't we all feel this way when we have to get up in the morning? Oh yeah, none of us make millions of dollars and most people have real jobs. If Gwen Stefani really needs a reason to cry, she should remember that her first single was "Spiderwebs." That's almost enough to make me cry, come to think of it.

Stefani would go into another room to try to write some lyrics, and when she came back, Perry would already have the whole song nailed. "Dude, slow down. This is my record. Let me be a part of it," Gwen thought.

Is MTV trying to tell us that an artist with the following lyrics suffered writer's block at some point? "I can't wait to go back and do Japan / Get me lots of brand new fans. / Osaka, Tokyo / You Harajuku girls. / Damn, you've got some wicked style." No, never!

Next we got to hear about Gwen's motivation and the sources she intended to use for the album.

And then she made another list of musical idols she'd like to do some exploring with. The game plan was simple, but strict: Love the '80s, but make them modern. The concept for a solo record was born.

As we learned throughout the 90s, making a hit album using 80s music is easier said than done, unless you were employing the services of a BedStuy emcee who often went by the name Francis White. What, you thought Ma$e actually retired because of God?

Here's the biggest tragedy of the whole thing.

The list of those people was long — Dr. Dre, the Neptunes, Andre 3000, New Order, Nellee Hooper, Dallas Austin, and Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis were among the producers and musicians with whom she collaborated.

Just think of how great an album using those producers could be if it involved a worthwhile artist. Well, as long as Pharrel didn't do voiceovers anyway.

"I think every record No Doubt's made had its own challenges," she said. "But this one, for me, was the hardest. When you've never really written with other people, you're exposing yourself, taking your clothes off, saying, 'All right, here we go, this is me, this is you.'

Ok, on second thought maybe those producers weren't actually wasting their time.

"I've never been a creative writer," Stefani explained.

I think MTV had the entire story covered in just that sentence, yet this article rambles on and on. And thankfully so, since the story has an incredible climax which should have made Gwen consider quitting.

Stefani freaked out when she was trying to write "this deep song" about a friend who had passed away, and Perry came up with the lyrics before she could.

If you're feeling bad about that Gwen, I believe Puffy's cell number is I'LL-B-MISSN-U.

One thing I have to give credit to Gwen for is that she sure thinks big.

"I don't want somebody writing something better than me on my own record," Stefani admitted. "But at the same time, it's not about that. If I were to write the chorus of 'Yesterday' by the Beatles, and that's all I wrote, that would be good enough to be part of that history.

Earth to Gwen, Sir Paul wrote that chorus, and rumors of his demise WERE highly exaggerated.

But finally we get to the best parts of the story, involving members of Shady/Aftermath. After listening to Encore, you wouldn't think these guys would be bashing other people for writer's block or terrible music, and that's not even taking into account the fact that Dr. Dre has released like 3 albums since I've been alive.

But after she played Dre the songs she had been working on, he rolled his eyes. "[Dre] basically told [me] to go rewrite the whole song again. And I was like, 'Oh, no, what am I going to do?' "

"He was like, 'You don't want to go back there,' and I'm like, 'Yes, I want to,' and he's like, 'No, you don't.' "

If I were Gwen, I'd listen to the man. At least he's smart enough to have Jay Z, Marshall and the D.O.C. write for him.

Thankfully, this article finishes with a 50 Cent mention!

Eventually, during a brainstorm while running on her treadmill, Gwen got it. At a dinner party another night, Stefani ran into 50 Cent, and in swapping Dre stories, she discovered that the rapper/producer was strict with everybody, not just her.

Is the doc really strict with everybody, or did the writer of this article consider that the two individuals mentioned here are Gwen Stefani, who's been suffering writer's block for the past 8 years, and 50 Cent, who would axe you 21 questions if he could count that high.

So I've weeded through a whole lot of crap throughout this article, but I finally reached my own conclusion regarding Gwen Stefani's inability to write anything of substance.

Grammar students, you'd be needing a red pen for this one:

"What I learned is that you can get a lot done if you push yourself," she said. "I made all my dreams come true of working with these people, even though I have so many insecurities. I still have this whole ego issue, and it's all bruised up and messed up.

Hey, don't tell me you didn't know the picture was coming.