Bloggystyle -- The Greatest

Less than a week after Portland forward Darius Miles informed Coach Maurice Cheeks that he will imminently be fired during an argument in a film session, Blazers guard Damon Stoudamire demanded a trade unless he's offered a front office position upon retirement.

Stoudamire's career credentials aren't exactly illustrious.



In February, 2002, cops responded to an alarm at Damon Stoudamire's house. They didn't find a burglar, but they did find a large bag of marijuana.

Months later, Damon Stoudamire and Rasheed Wallace were cited for misdemeanor marijuana possession when a cop stopped the car they were travelling in and smelled marijuana.

Finally, in July, 2003, Stoudamire was arrested for possession after trying to get weed through a Phoenix airport.

As Stoudamire stepped through the metal detector, an alarm immediately sounded...McNew asked Stoudamire if he had anything metal in his pants pocket. Stoudamire said he did not.

As McNew prepared to scan him one more time, Stoudamire wiggled his leg. An eight-inch-long piece of thickly wrapped aluminum foil fell out of Stoudamire's pant leg.

Minutes later, police officers Michael Losada and Keith Kramer arrived. Kramer observed the aluminum foil package and the rolling papers inside a gray plastic bin beside Stoudamire.

"What's inside?" Kramer asked, examining the foil wrap.

"You know what it is," Stoudamire said.

Then again, when your teammates are Ruben Patterson, who assaulted his wife 2 years after trying to rape his children's nanny, or Zach Randolph, who punched Patterson in a practice in 2003 and broke his eye socket, you do begin to look like a model citizen.


"Today I didn't even have to use my AK."

After 8+ long years, my quest has been accomplished.

I spotted Tupac Shakur in the Windy City. What was he doing you wonder? He was absolutely schooling Ben Gordon.


"We had to grow dreads to change our description..."


"Last year, fucked around by my own basket and almost got a triple double."

Aaliyah's self-titled album came out in the middle of 2001, just months before Aaliyah was killed.

Which made this the eeriest music review ever. Or at least the most clairvoyant.

Just look at that first line:

Sultry songbird Aaliyah spreads her musical wings and soars on her latest CD, but she hits turbulence at the end.

No kidding.




"Isn't it ironic..."


Some say the loss of Aaliyah is immeasurable. I measure the loss to be about 32-24-32.

StateSenator Wants Cockfights, with Gloves.

Only in the South.

But State Sen. Frank Shurden (of Oklahoma), a Democrat from Henryetta and a long-time defender of cockfighting, said the ban (on cockfighting) had wiped out a $100-million business.

I remember a thing called slavery as being pretty damn lucrative too. We probably shouldn't restart that, although I'm sure there are plenty of Oklahomans out there who likely disagree with me.

To try to revive [cockfighting], he has proposed that roosters wear little boxing gloves attached to their spurs, as well as lightweight, chicken-sized vests configured with electronic sensors to record hits and help keep score.

"It's like the fencing that you see on the Olympics, you know, where they have little balls on the ends of the swords and the fencers wear vests," said Shurden. "That's the same application that would be applied to the roosters."

The Oklahomans must be able to find some sort of way to recoup that 100 million in other, legal capacities.


I'm sure Oklahoma is always in need of more dentists.


Oklahoma: Denture Capitol of the World

Creativity and imagination went a long way at Hardly Art.

Where else will you ever see a comparison between Trent Green and Kanye West? Here are a few of Hardly Art's comparisons.

Trent Green = Kanye West
So exciting out of the gate. Won a ring in the early goings. Destined for mediocrity.

Drew Brees = Lil' Scrappy
You're better than I thought! Gifted one year wonders stand up!

Jake "The Snake" Plummer = Talib Kweli
Baffling. Just when you think they've got it, poof, 3 picks and nothing to show for the effort.

There were a few that went unmentioned.



Nas = Doug Flutie

Most famous for a pinnacle achievement at the beginning of their careers (Illmatic and the Hail Mary), these two mostly flew under the radar for a decade before returning to the limelight in New York (or Buffalo).

Ok, so far as hip hop goes, that one's blasphemous.



Mobb Deep = Aaron Brooks

Spent a few years watching how it was done. Once unleashed they turned out to be raw. But after awhile, fans turned against them when their productivity started to decline.



Vanilla Ice = Ryan Leaf

Is an explanation even necessary?

In the wake of the Bloggystyle Under Attack fiasco, in which Bol Guevara of the Mindset Army came to this page's immediate defense, our friend "Terribly Happy Bloggystyle Omar" made some important concessions in regards to my accusations that he was Arab and/or an anti-semite.

Omar has taken the very generous step of removing the inflammatory Charles Lindbergh picture on his site, in an effort to assure us that he is indeed not anti-Semitic. In fact, when Bol created a mock form email jokingly calling him a Holocaust denier, Omar went out of his way to assure us that he is not a Prince Harry. Omar has even been to the Holocaust museum in D.C. (have you?)

Given that Omar has corrected the record regarding his origins (Mexican, not Arab), and his lack of racism (he's not anti-Semitic), Omar has called on us to put aside the Bloggystyle beef.



Since Omar is demonstrating that he is indeed a bigger man, I for one am perfectly willing to recant those accusations that he has proven false.

In fact, I can almost (note ALMOST) respect someone with the intestinal fortitude to admit that he listens to Bjork and sports wood at the thought of James Cameron movies. No homo, just in case. As for Omar's sense of humor, let's just consider that a work in progress.

So The Mindset Army and I have extended the olive branch to Terribly Happy Omar in response to his efforts to set the record straight.

Every year at about this time, Askmen.com has people visit their site. That's because they do us a very special favor, no homo. They post pictures of 99 hot chicks.

The site also ranks them, and gives petty excuses why. I will rerank some of them.

#72 - Eva Longoria



Our girl Eva checks in at #72. I rank her much higher because there are more pictures of her on this site than anyone else. On Askmen.com, she comes one spot behind MICHELLE PFEIFFER and a few spots behind Nicole Kidman.

I don't know about you, but I'll save the geriatrics for others.

Penelope Cruz

Lately some people have taken offense to the fact that I've made deportation jokes about Eva Longoria based on her Spanish surname. They didn't even bother to point out that she was Miss Corpus Christi. Well nobody can argue that this woman is a contestant for naturalization.



#47 - Rosario Dawson



I've got no problems with affirmative action, but can't we put the uglier minorities
at the bottom?

#39 - Molly Sims

According to these rankings, Mandy Moore is just behind Molly. That's the equivalent of Dan Gadzuric coming in right behind Tim Duncan.



#27 - Lindsay Lohan

Lohan's ok and being on the right side of 20 certainly helps. But while that would usually indicate innocence and wholesomeness, I don't think anybody would want to take a chance on her.



How did Ask Men rank Lohan ahead of Krista Allen? Were they in the Bengals' front office taking Akili Smith over Daunte Culpepper too?

At this point in the proceedings, I'd like to note that the women who ranked #29-20 combined probably couldn't seesaw with Rosie O'Donnell.

Jessica Simpson



I must have missed that part of the rankings that stipulates that the woman's ranking matches her IQ.

#1 - Adriana Lima

Who the hell is this? She's not even #1 class hot.



Only 365 days until the next list!

I understand that this guy's gig is constructive criticism, mostly without the constructive aspect. I don't know how his act hasn't gotten old after however many seasons of American Idol because I don't watch that garbage, but doesn't it get stale?

Anyway, it's one thing to do it when it's your job and the likes of William Hung are auditioning. It's totally different when Simon spouts off on other subjects.

Why is this news?

"I find the whole Beyonce thing really mystifying," Cowell says in Esquire magazine. "She's not sexy, she hasn't got a great body and she's not a great singer."

I'm not going to argue about that great singing part. That's obviously true.

I've figured out why Simon doesn't think Beyonce has a good body though:


Simon clearly prefers women who have food go up their throats, not down it.

I don't understand the whole Beyonce thing either Simon. Then again, this is the same guy who gave us that fatass Ruben and that ugly bitch with the porn star name Fantasia.


"My milkshake brings all the girls to the yard."


Fantasia, aka Ruben Studdard after lyposuction.


But of course Simon doesn't stop there. After that, he defends Ashlee Simpson's lip synching/band playing wrong song/acid reflux episode on SNL.

"Why should you have to do something substandard just for the sake of being real? If it sounds better with the vocal you recorded, why shouldn't people listen to that? There's almost a witch-hunt mentality about people miming."

The word "better" should never be used in a conversation discussing Ashlee Simpson. Honestly, if she legally changed her name to Runt of the Litter Simpson, would anybody not understand why?

And for a show that gets ridiculous ratings for being a live performance of singing, Simon's defense of the Runt makes even less sense. I don't need to explain this to anyone, let alone someone who has basically made a caricature out of himself criticizing people for terrible live performances.

Simon did get something right though:

On France: "We (the British) have hated the French for years. Now you (the United States) have just joined the club. It makes you much more likable."

No doubt. But you Brits are still insane.

No homo.

Anyway, I make one little entry about other Bloggystyles and people go ballistic.

Not enough people currently read this page to make me check the comments on each entry with regularity. So I initially missed this one by my man Omar, no homo.

Hi, I'm Omar G., the person you comment about in this entry.

I was going to come over and refute point by point the things you said, but given that it took this long for anyone to bother to click on a link and for it to show up on my referrals, I doubt anyone would see it.

Translated into English: "I was going to try to refute your post, but the best defense against libel is the truth. Plus I'm not really sure what point you made other than I'm a homo, and I can't really prove otherwise, especially when I put a fruity looking caricature of myself by all of my posts. I then tried to convince myself that nobody would read this page, despite the fact that my dumbass just linked to it and am still in the process of funneling hundreds of hits to it as I type."

Thanks again, Omar.

You DIDN'T contact me in any way about the name of my blog, so either you're lying to your readers or you're just going for comedic effect. I can't imagine there's any kind of joke there, so it must be the former.

Well I'm glad we agree that I didn't contact you. I would never contact you. I appealed to you, on this site, to change the name of your atrocious site.

[I] glanced at your blog (that's about all I could stand to do)

Huh?

the constant "oh, he's gay" jokes and the cheap shot at Eva Longoria up at the top (that's so hilarious -- she's got brown skin and a Spanish surname, so she must be on her way to deportation! That's not at all racist, dude. And I'm Latino, too, by the way, not Arab.) might be interesting if it weren't so unfunny.

Can someone explain exactly how something could possibly be interesting if it's inherently unfunny? And Omar is the one calling for basic intelligence tests?

Regardless, Eva's still my girl. Everyone thank Omar for giving me an excuse to post another picture of her (if one is ever actually needed). And by the way Omar, you're still not off the hook for being a Jew-baiting racist, whether you're Hispanic, Arab or whatnot.


At least the boys working customs can't be accused of having bad taste.

After that exercise in futility, Omar feels the need to stroke his wounded ego and reassure himself.

I guess the difference in these Bloggystyles is that I'm lucky enough to get paid to do what I do and don't feel the need to go around insulting those who have more of a life than I do to try to get a rise out of potential readers and to make my blog seem interesting. I'm sure you'll continue with "Bloggstyle" and I wish you good luck (which you'll need), but really I imagine you're going to get bored with the lack of an online response at some point and you should really leave the writing to those who know what they're doing.

I have to admit that when it comes to males listening to Bjork, you got the market cornered. I don't know what kind of tards pay for someone with those credentials, but if you can take advantage of them, more power to you.

Thanks and good luck not getting sued for photo copyright infringement.

For his next trick, Omar tells me that nobody's coming to this page, but "Bloggystyle" will get sued for copyright infringement. Basic...intelligence...anyone?

Omar sure doesn't seem "Terribly Happy," does he? But I wouldn't be either if all I listened to was "Radiohead The Pixies Bjork Erykah Badu Smokey & Miho Mana Lila Downs Kanye West Billie Holiday" Good god.

Omar is so obsessed with us that he discusses his gripes with this page and then sticks some nutjob calling himself Pendejo Motherfuckin Joe on us.

Apparently I'm "thug."

I don't have to tell you that I gotta step in to defend my boy because you seem thug; so you know this, man.

Pendejo Motherfuckin Joe, please check yourself. Or at least give the I.N.S. a clue as to your whereabouts. Either they're totally swamped or understaffed.

Though, I'm not sure what thug needs the self-affirmation of a blog that focuses on entertainment news (God...you write about Ashlee Simpson a lot) that only 24 people read on average. Also, some dudes are confident enough to not need to resort to homophobic slander and a blog full of pin-ups to prove themselves. That's just how we do things on my block.

There...look what you did. You just made me waste fifteen minutes on you.

Well that's great. Instead of throwing up blood or cuz, the Gs have resorted to posting 1,000 word entries on weblogs. Can we call that progress?

I'm glad that people on Pendejo Motherfuckin Joe's block waste 15 minutes of their lives posting completely meaningless entries on weblogs that get 24 visits a day.

Obviously I'm all about makin the world a better, safer place.


If anymore of you Latinos look like this, what the hell are you waiting for? In the words of the immortal Mannie Fresh, get your roll on. Or get your wade on. Ándale!

For 70 minutes, I had to listen to a professor spout off presidential trivia. That's what I get for taking a course titled "The American Presidency."

Anyway, at one point the professor asked us who the tallest president was. The answer was Honest Abe at a lean 6'4.

The professor then asked us who the shortest president was. When none of us knew, she said "The answer is James Madison, who was 5'4."

Another guy raised his hand. After being called on, he said "What about Franklin Roosevelt?"


5'4 my ass!

This time it's in Scotland, where Reuters tells us that a Scottish Golfer Was a 19th Century Nostradamus:

He was a Scottish professional golfer in the 19th century but he predicted bullet trains, driverless golf carts, televisions and digital watches.

Now the little-known book, "Golf in the Year 2000 or What Are We Coming To" by McCullogh under the pseudonym J.A.C.K is up for auction.

Driverless golf carts became a reality in the 1980s, Japan's bullet train went into operation in 1964 and digital watches were all the rage in the 1970s.

McCullogh even predicted international team golf competitions like the Ryder Cup which was first played in 1927.

Of course, the dipshits at Reuters then explain that this guy has nothing in common with Nostradamus.

Michel de Nostradame is credited with having foreseen many of the key events in history from the fire of London in 1666 to the destruction of the Challenger space shuttle in 1986.

But unlike McCullogh writing in clear English, his predictions are hidden in 942 cryptic poems that have generally been deciphered after the events they foretell.

Not that making these predictions were difficult. Golfers from across the world playing each other? NO FUCKING WAY!

I can be Nostradamus too. You want to see some predictions?


Some guy will rail Kate Hudson, and on the same day she has his child Goldie Hawn will have a grandchild.


Eva Longoria's green card will expire, at which point some charming man by the name of Johnny will offer to marry her to keep her in Los Estados Unidos.


JC Chasez, pictured with Eva, will be on an episode of Surreal Life by 2010. On an unrelated note, if he doesn't leave Eva alone I cannot guarantee he will survive til then.


For the next 30 years, there will be a nightly free for all to tap that ass.

See how easy that is? Besides, this Scottish dude got his most important prediction wrong:

Jack McCullogh also predicted that women would start dressing like men and do all the work while their menfolk took to the golf courses full-time.

I wish.

As Marshall's Like Toy Soldiers plays for the millionth time on MTV Jams, the only station I watch, the absurd theme of this track hit me.


There used to be a time when, you could just say a rhyme and, didn't have to worry bout one of your people dyin.

Who is Jimmy Cracker Corn kidding? Just to display the total lunacy of Marshall's lyric, let's run down the list of individuals he has had beef with.

N'Sync


GULLY ALERT! GULLY ALERT!

For some reason, I just can't see Justin Timberlake potentially becoming a Bishop, or sharpening his knife to pull a Juice type hit on Marshall.

Besides, Justin should certainly be busier doing bigger, better and more important things.



What about the rest of them? Professional asstronaut Lance Bass is probably not making anyone sleep with one eye open. I can't even name the rest of them but one of those dipshits was an alcoholic entering rehab and with the group's dissolution the others have all returned to their former status as total wastes of sperm.

Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera and Jessica Simpson

The only thing Marshall has ever done for me is to give me a chance to post pictures of these hoes.


Britney back in the day, before she got hit one million more times.


Remember when she was the genie? Now all she does is rub other people's bottles.


Why can't Vegas put odds on something like "Jessica Simpson will be the 21st century's Anna Nicole Smith?" The answer is that nobody would actually consider that gambling.

With all that said, these voluptuous vixens are probably the only ones that could kill one of Marshall's people. I don't presume to be a groupie or anything but I think it's possible some of Marshall's "Runyon Avenue soldiers" could get with Christina's groupies. And in the words of the immortal Calvin Broadus, "You never know - she could be earnin her man and learnin her man, and at the same time burnin her man." How profound.

Insane Clown Posse



What more needs to be said about them?

Canibus

And now I present the strangest dynamic duo of all time.


Canibus would never harm a white person.

Besides, why would Canibus want to kill Marshall's people when he could embarass Marshall on a track? Not that I'm decrying violence against Marshall's people or anything, because I do believe this world might be a better place without some of them.

Ja Rule

"Irv Gotti, too much liquor in his body..." I can't even listen to Hail Mary anymore. Regardless, Marshall says he inherited this beef, and then proceeded to make a fool out of himself in the subsequent diss attempts.


BABY GIRL PUT IT ON MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HOLLA!

The only murder Ja's committing is lyrical murder. No, not disses, although the Haylie/Kim line was nice. But we all know Ja's killing em softly with his song.

Ray Benzino

Benzino is too busy blowing The Source's associates.


"I eat booty! I eat booty! BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY.

I have never been so sure of anything in my life: Benzino is the textbook case of a closet fairy fuck.


Marshall's probably bi at best.

Double no homo. At least a picture of Angie Martinez showed up in the Yahoo Image search of Benzino. I don't know why. I don't care. I count my blessings and then I share them.





I don't know if I missed anybody. Suffice it to say Marshall is probably safe and secure in the arms of Curtis Jackson.

Being as dedicated to the entertainment industry as we are, consider me a Hollywood insider. I have already determined who should win tonight's Golden Globe awards.

Best Actress With Golden Globes In A Movie




Best Actress With Golden Globes In A TV Show




Best Actress With Golden Globes Who Looks Like She Starred In R. Kelly's Movie




Best Actress With Golden Globes Most Likely To Suffer Hot Flash During Awards




Lifetime Golden Globes Award




Best Actress With Previous Golden Globes Award




Best Actress With Foreign Golden Globes




Best Actress With "Titanic" Golden Globes




Best Golden Globes On Reality TV






Best Actress With Golden Globes That I'm Glad The I.N.S. Didn't Catch






Wait, there are guys at these awards? Screw that, no homo.