Bloggystyle -- The Greatest

JDub Barely Avoids Getting Kicked Out Of The Dormitory
18 year olds are old enough to be drafted and vote, but they sure as hell shouldn't be expected to act as adults. And so it was with me. In this story, I will run down the chronological order of events that damn near got me thrown out of the dorm.

As always, real names will not be used in order to protect the guilty.

The Main Players


"From this point forward, you're on 'double secret probation.'"


"PJC"

The Role Players


"Dat Wigga Stevo"


Nasty Naus to Esco to Escobar now he is Nastradamus.

For my first two years of college, I lived in the 9th floor of a dorm, being a neighbor of Peanuts and Gimp and Mad Dog, all of whom have been featured prominently in previous stories. But I had known PJC from before High School and by chance he ended up living in the room next door. No homo Juelz Santana, but we would embark on a path of severe troublemaking over the next two years that led to some unfortunate occurrences for me.

Dat Wigga Stevo and Nasty Naus Come To Visit
At the end of the first semester of my freshman year, my roomate and I were the only ones still on the floor the last night of the semester. Dat Wigga Stevo, Nasty Naus and a few other acquaintances who were off of school decided to stop on in and get wasted. Having nothing else to do, we got drunk way out of proportion. My roomate decided to "water" PJC's door, one of the acquaintances tossed in the bathroom and one of us (who shall remain nameless) decided to use the stairwell as a toilet. The poor janitor came through the next day to find he had hit the trifecta, but since they couldn't prove it was us, we avoided trouble.

The Drinking Ticket
Just about everyone on our floor at one point or another got an underage drinking ticket, which led automatically to a probation of some sort. I got mine in the beginning of the 2nd semester of freshman year.

The Great Pitcher Drop
PJC's room was situated 9 stories above the main exit/entrance of the dorm, which allowed sinister individuals to do some mean things to passers by. During our second year, the two of us thought it'd be hilarious to drop pitchers of water onto people from his room, in the middle of winter. Being semi retarded, we tried (but missed) in the middle of a day on one occasion, before realizing it would be smarter to do it at night. One night we completely doused a group of bitches who began screaming hysterically, drawing a crowd of onlookers to try to figure out what happened. Wisely, we closed the curtains so as not to be discovered. The day before Spring Break we dumped water on a guy who tracked down which room it had come from and made his way up to our floor only to find every room locked and unresponsive. I can only imagine what would have happened if we had been caught for any of that.

Hall Code Violation
To take out trash, we were expected to go down the elevator to ground level and dump it and go back up, a major pain in the ass (no homo). Instead, on a number of occasions I walked it down the stairwell a few floors and dropped it there. One of these times, one of the Resident Assistants (RAs), who we dubbed the Nazi, went through one of my trash bags and found a bank statement envelope with my name on it. I received some sort of violation for that. Always remember to rip up your bank statements.

Blood Brother
At the end of first semester of our second year, only weeks after getting that code violation, PJC and I were brown bagging beer (being underage and all) outside the dorm when I unknowingly cracked the bottle and sliced my index finger the next time I went to pick it up. The cut couldn't have been more than a centimeter long on the base of my finger, but within 5 minutes it looked like I had performed surgery. We thought it would be funny to start writing on various friends' doors in blood, which I did. Upon getting back to my room, I wrote on the wall nearby "Fuck Rich, From The 9th Floor," no homo. Rich was the RA Director. The next morning I was awakened at 8 am by janitors talking to each other in the hall. Seeing the blood, one remarked "Who did this?" and the other said "I don't know, but they sure hate Rich." That was the first and last time I have ever been glad to be awake at 8 am. Yet again, I wasn't caught for that.

Dat Wigga Stevo and Nasty Naus Visit
The very next night, I didn't get so lucky. Since it was the end of the semester, those two came up because they were already on break. Along with PJC, we were the only ones still on the floor. No Homo Juelz Santana: the 4 of us got wasted, did a whole bunch of bad shit to my roomate's belongings, dumped all the beer bottles down the stairwell and were about to pass out at about 1 am or so when the Nazi came up on RA duty and wrote me a noise violation for not observing quiet hours during exam week. I was more than mad because obviously nobody had exams left and there was nobody else living on the fucking floor. After getting the violation, we shut the door of our room and I bitched about the Nazi some more. As I would find out at the beginning of next semester, the Nazi eavesdropped on me outside my room and wrote me up a second time for belittling the SS or something like that.

The Punishment (NHJIC)
Getting my 3rd hall violation in less than a month, I had to report to the RA Director, where I would be put through some sort of menial work to make amends. The motherfucker sentenced me to cleaning up trash outside of the dorm for 5 hours on one of the weeks. He accused me of breaking the bottles in the stairwell that ill fated night but couldn't prove it, so I was cleared of that. And since I had just gone off of probation at the end of the previous semester, that didn't apply.

So I put in that terrible work and managed to get through the rest of that semester avoiding trouble, leading to a life off campus and some of the other ridiculous stories.

All weekend ESPN Classic has had a Memorial Day Weekend Boxing Marathon. No Homo Juelz Santana, but what better way to remember our veterans than to watch two big dudes beat the everloving shit out of each other?

Of course, a boxing marathon weekend features a whole lot of Cassius Marcellus Clay. Since ESPN Classic rarely has Ali fights on, this was pretty much the first time I could watch Clay in fights other than the Frazier/Liston/Foreman events, notably in the early 60s when he was in his young 20s.

I used to think Tyson was the most entertaining boxer to watch (even when his right was more entertaining than his bite), but I can definitely give it up to Clay (major no homo) after watching the marathon; he was the greatest.

With that said, it recently came to light that Clay's pal Malcolm X may have been a peter puffer, no homo. Those crazy Brits called it "gay hustling." Whatever the hell you call it, it's no wonder the Black Muslims put an end to his existence.

But that got me to thinking. Clay spent a whole lot of time around X. Is there a possibility Clay's full name was Cassius Marcellus Wallace Clay? If so, I can understand why Clay's got the shakes these days. No homo.

Weeks ago, Fitz and I had a series of debates over whether or not Nash was the MVP. I argued for Nash, who did eventually win MVP.

Fast forward to now, Fitz is just about gone, TeamFitz has taken his place, the new guys are making the same Fitz argument and a few rounds of the playoffs have occurred. Of course, TeamFitz waited til the Spurs were annihilating the Suns (Shawn Marion, are you out there?) to argue against Nash all over again.

Someone's gotta stick up for Nash, so I'll counter some of these arguments.

One of my biggest problems with Nash receiving this award is that the only other point guard I have seen receive the league MVP award is Magic Johnson. Magic Johnson in my opinion is #2 all time, and was three times the MVP of the league.

I have decided to name off some more great players current and past who have never received MVP’s who in my opinion are better than Nash..

The MVP doesn't work like that, obviously. If the MVP was about who was the best player in the league, I think it would always go to Shaq or KG. Regardless of whether or not Isaiah Thomas was ever an MVP, that has no bearing on Nash's numbers or this season. This was unquestionably the weakest MVP race that I can remember.

This year is what counts. If we put everybody all in one season and compared their numbers, nobody would have taken an MVP over Wilt, who sometimes averaged close to 50/20 a year.

In my opinion the League MVP should be someone who is beyond proficient in every aspect of their game.

No player is perfect, obviously. A lot has been made about Nash's defense, but none of his closet competitors were defensive stalwarts. Shaq is average at best. Dirk? AI is so little he gets absolutely abused by bigger guards. And the list goes on.

B) Minutes Per Game- Steve Nash only plays 34 minutes per game. This means that ¼ of every game he is on the bench. Now when you compare this with a player like Allen Iverson who averages 41 mpg for his entire career you can see that there really is no comparison at all. How can you be an MVP if you sit out ¼ of the game?

The mid 30s are the normal starter's minutes. Besides, I think it's more than fair to argue that Nash's minutes per game are low because the Suns fucking destroyed so many teams this season that none of them were playing most of the 4th quarter. That AI averaged 41 just goes to show how poor his team was.

I would like to pose the argument that Amare Stoudemire is by far the best player on the Suns.

Amare Stoudemire is a natural Power Forward, Shawn Marion is a natural Small Forward. However thanks to Nash’s “new” fast break style these guys are forced to play out of position on defense.

The team could throw in Steve Hunter at the 5 and the defense would be the same. The Suns weren't playing half court defense by design for the entire season so that they could run and take advantage of offensive mismatches that would put an Amare Stoudemire against a Dan Gadzuric.

If anything, the playoffs to this point have bolstered Nash's case and clearly hurt his closest competitors'. After watching Wade score half his team's points in the Game 2 victory over Detroit, does anyone think Shaq, who only averaged about 20/10 this year to start, is the MVP of his own team?

Meanwhile Nash has averaged about 25/12 in the playoffs with his typically high %s, and carried the Suns to victory over the Mavs when Amare had his 2 bad games.

As for the Suns themselves, a lot of people are pointing the finger and saying I Told You So because the team that doesn't play strong half court defense is getting trampled by the Spurs. However, I think the Suns' style can work as long as their team stays healthy next time and continues to get deeper. Remember, they were up in the 4th quarter of the first 2 games before fading down the stretch, partially because of depth problems and partially because Shawn Marion has been pathetic.

But don't take it out on the MVP.

Much like last season, the Brewers are still treading water at this point in the season. In fact, they've won 4 in a row and snuck above 500 behind the bat of King Carlos Lee, who leads the NL in RBIs thus far.

But the incredible thing is that 24-23 is enough for 2nd place, because Houston sucks for once, the Reds and Pirates are the Reds and Pirates, and the Cubs keep having things like Fitz's best wedding present ever happen to them. They've even done this without Ben Sheets all month.

But being a Brewers fan also prepares one for knowing how fleeting this time can be. Last season the Brewers second half of the season was an absolute shit dive all the way to last place.

So I figured I'd get in this shout before next week (when the Brewers go on a prolonged NL West road trip) brings us back down to Earth the cellar.

It seems Milwaukee could maybe start to win.
As long as their All Star Brady Clark is in.
With unsung heroes Damian Miller and Bill Hall,
Maybe our streak of losing records will halt.
Who needs Johan Santana when we got Julio?
The steady pitching will keep up hopefully so.
The saves are a cinch when giving the ball to Turnbow.
Keep it up and there's no question he'll earn dough.
The major leagues might be in disorder.
But who cares, we're 500 after one quarter.

After allegedly killing someone, a man fled police until he reached a construction crane, climbing 18 stories onto it and threatening to jump.

The man and the 5-0 then spent the next 50+ hours in a standoff until they were able to taser the fucker.

During the standoff negotiations, Roland accepted a jacket from police, which he used to beat back the chill at night and the sun during the day, but he refused offers of food and water.

But early Saturday, Roland stepped toward an officer to get some water, and the officer used a Taser on him, said Alan Dreher, Atlanta's assistant police chief.

Roland showed mixed emotions during the negotiations, Dreher said.

"At times he was calm. At times he was cordial. At times he was irate. At times he was argumentative. It just depended on the situation," he said.

Now, none of this is unique, until we find out what ATL's residents thought of the possible jumper.

The standoff unfolded above Atlanta's busy Buckhead neighborhood, an area filled with clubs and restaurants. Lunch and dinner crowds, taking advantage of summer-like weather, have packed restaurant patios with clear views of the standoff.

Like watching a jumper was just another course of the meal.

As always, Bloggystyle has brought in an ultimate authority on the matter to discuss the 5 worst tracks made by good artists, in keeping with our eventual tournament to determine the worst song ever.

djxplicit09: but i guess you can say nas - nastradamus
J.W.: i thought we were going with You Owe Me
djxplicit09: tupac - whatz ya phone #?
djxplicit09: no
J.W.: i think You Owe Me is worse than Nastradamus
djxplicit09: nastradamus is worse since it was produced by LES
djxplicit09: who did Lifes a bitch
djxplicit09: you owe me features ginuwine, who is a fag who has never done anything good in his life
J.W.: so Ginuwine's inherent shittiness takes some of Nas's crap luster on that track is your argument?
djxplicit09: and its produced by timbaland, who has never done anything as good as lifes a bitch
djxplicit09: yeah
djxplicit09: its by good artists
J.W.: ok, that's a good point.
djxplicit09: and id say both nas and les are great no homo
djxplicit09: while i would never put ginuwine in good artists
djxplicit09: possibly not even timbaland
J.W.: all right. i wonder who produced whatz ya phone #
J.W.: let me check quick
J.W.: it was produced by Johnny J. No LES but he did some decent shit on Me Against the World and All Eyez so I guess he qualifies as decent enough
J.W.: any other nominations? I'd consider Biggie - Playa Hata but that was an obvious joke and I think the other ones were serious cuts
djxplicit09: johnny "j" was good
djxplicit09: no homo
J.W.: u heard Talib's We Got The Beat?
djxplicit09: yeah
J.W.: i think that's on there
djxplicit09: its not as bad as other songs
J.W.: which Talib song u think is worse on BS?
djxplicit09: "a game"
J.W.: ok that's pretty bad. man that album was a disappointment
J.W.: "I wet my throat and get bent like a pelican's neck" That puts A Game over the top I guess. major no homo.
J.W.: http://ohhla.com/anonymous/t_kweli/struggle/the_beat.tab.txt Maybe we should put both tracks on there.
J.W.: "you ain't no MC like me, you just a clone like KFC" It's like something I'd expect out of Aaron Carter (nh)
J.W.: this hot shit is to fly like the cockpit
got spit like a french kiss chicks lock lips
djxplicit09: the chorus was pretty good
J.W.: you gotta be kidding
djxplicit09: the chorus was sung pretty well
djxplicit09: i mean - compare it to the chorus of you owe ,e
djxplicit09: *me
J.W.: it was a bitch doing the chorus with Talib's horrible improvs? that was straight out of a lindsay lohan song
djxplicit09: hey
djxplicit09: it was res
J.W.: you have any other nominations? Should we add "We Built This City" by that one group that was basically Jefferson Airplane?
djxplicit09: sure
J.W.: does LL Cool J count as "an otherwise good artist?" Because Hush was a fucking horrible song
J.W.: and 7 Aurelius isn't always a complete dreg producing wise.
djxplicit09: ll cool j is a legend
djxplicit09: but he has done just about everything to not have the title anymore
djxplicit09: same with snoop dogg
J.W.: LL Cool J - G.O.A.T. Featuring James T. Smith
djxplicit09: which brings me to snoop dogg
djxplicit09: no homo
djxplicit09: anything by him since doggystyle
J.W.: that's a whole lot of nominations.
J.W.: Does the strength of Doggystyle automatically make him a good artist and thus make all this other crap potentially choosable?
djxplicit09: i think so
djxplicit09: there were particularly foul songs with no limit
J.W.: all right. So what is the worst of the worst regarding Snoop then?
djxplicit09: cant remember the name
djxplicit09: hold on
J.W.: I think anytime you can get sampled by Jay and then go on to make really shitty music, you qualify for this list.
djxplicit09: what was the other no limit/snoop album
djxplicit09: the last meal
djxplicit09: and
djxplicit09: game is to be sold
djxplicit09: ?
J.W.: No Limit Topp Dogg
J.W.: is obviously one of them.
djxplicit09: yeah
J.W.: i think it's funny Dead Man Walkin is in Snoop's discography over at ohhla.com
djxplicit09: yeah
djxplicit09: so yeah
djxplicit09: anything from "da game is to be sold, not to be told"
J.W.: Gin & Juice 2
J.W.: just for taking an all time classic and making a terrible sequel

So we came up with:

Nastradamus - Nasty Nas to Esco...let's not even relive it.

Whatz Ya Phone # - Take one schizophrenic, horrible beat, add one part nonsense rap and two parts phone sex and you get this garbage.

We Built This City - No comment necessary.

A Game - This one has to be heard to be believed it was a Kweli joint.

Gin & Juice 2 - It should be a punishable crime to take a pantheon classic and do a horrific sequel. It's too bad for Snoop's career that he was found innocent 10 years ago.

Recently a Wisconsinite in his 20s decided to hop in his car after a few (dozen) too many rounds, and he subsequently crashed and killed himself.

His friends figured there was only one way to honor the deceased: get totally fucking wasted.

Brian's father and stepmother, Ken and Donna Drea of Butler, were consoled by hundreds of people at his memorial service at a funeral home in Sheboygan. But they were troubled by the friends of Brian who showed up with booze on their breath.

"In between the viewing of the pictures and the memorial service, they were shuffling across the street to the corner bar," Donna said. And later that night, these friends threw a drinking party in his memory, she said.

Even some local bars got into the act, closing down a few hours in honor of the guy's memory.

"That makes me want to throw up," Ken said.

Like usual, the guy's friends said he didn't seem that drunk and that he "didn't have that many."

If that was the case, all I can say is the guy's tolerance is pretty fucking pathetic, because he killed himself with a .325 BAL, which puts a typical person somewhere between blackout and death. Even more incredible, some bitch got into his car as a passenger. Unfortunately she survived.

But not Bryan. And so I raise my glass. Here's one to you, big guy (no homo)

6.3(%)

Despite being raised by someone who proudly called herself a Trekkie, I (thankfully) never became part of the Star Wars cult following. I have seen the original trilogy countless times, and I have no problem admitting that they were very good movies.

I went to see Phantom of the Menace and Attack of the Clones after the initial crowd, and I think I speak for any objective movie-goer in saying that those first two were bad, especially the first one. And the only thing cool about the second one was the way Talib Kweli could rhyme it in Get By. Throw in the fact that we know everything that happens in Episode III as soon as Attack of the Clones finished, and I wasn't exactly anticipating it like most people I knew.

But sometime in these past 3 years, George Lucas learned how to tell a story all over again. And my other concerns for this movie proved to be unfounded.

First, I read critiques of the acting, especially Hayden Christensen as Anakin, but I didn't see any problems with his acting. Playing Anakin isn't exactly an easy thing to accomplish, so I think he played the role of Anakin all right. Ian McDiarmid did the best acting as Palpatine, and it's hard to believe he was only in his 30s when he played Palpatine in Return of the Jedi. Natalie Portman had nothing to work with except to look hot, and she was only average at doing that given her capabilities.

Here comes the spoilers section, but I'm guessing just about 99% of you bastards have already seen this movie.

The dialogue absolutely ruined the last two, and it wasn't Tarantino this time, but it sufficed. Only one line was terribly out of place, Padme's "You're breaking my heart" line near the end, but I guess it helps convey to any potential retards out there why she dies during childbirth.

Finally, the story was so much better this time around that I can't believe they were done by the same people who did Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones. Lucas has plenty of fun with CGI and that was fine, the only dragging parts were with Padme and those weren't too long, and the last hour or so, especially the paralell story lines in the last 30 minutes, is perhaps the best storytelling in any of the 6 movies.

My only critique of the movie is that Anakin's final turn toward allying himself with Palpatine was too contrived. The story was doing an admirable job of pulling Anakin in all directions and sending him down the path, but the final push over was too forced.

All in all though, this movie was probably 3 stars, and it does a great job of tying the trilogies together. I don't think Lucas will tackle Episodes that come after Return of the Jedi because there would no longer be any characters that the Star Wars fans are familiar with or emotionally vested in. But if he does try it, I hope they're comparable to this one.

I would have done this post earlier, but I was busy attending a graduation party all weekend up North, also known as a disturbing location where old drunk people get wasted and do stupid or disgusting things to or with each other.

And speaking of old people, here we come to Reggie Miller, who put up one last vintage Reggie performance against one of the top defenses in the league, in a game that just about all of us knew was going to be his final game. Fittingly, the last Pacers basket of the season was a Miller triple, and Reggie finished with 27 points against the defending champs.

Already people are discussing Reggie's legacy. The general consensus, and it's probably accurate, is that Reggie was never a superstar, but he was a great, clutch shooter, a perennial All Star and an all in all nice guy who will make the Hall of Fame. But I wasn't thinking about Reggie's 25,000 + points, or his all time 3 pointers made record, or the free throw shooting.

The end of Reggie Miller's career is the end of THE era that anyone in their 20s grew up with as NBA fans. The end of his career is the end of THE era of the great 90s rivalries, all going on concurrently in the East, and of course Miller played one of the three central roles of the Era.

Bulls vs. Knicks

In the early 90s, when the Bulls started their first threepeat, everyone around the globe started their Michael Jordan lovefest, no homo. Not wanting to be the conformist, even in my young teens, I took something out of rooting against the Bulls.

In the early 90s, the Milwaukee Bucks went only as far as Blue Edwards could take us. Since the Bucks were all but mathematically eliminated once training camp ended, I had to turn to a different team to root for once the playoffs started. And to root against the Bulls meant rooting for the Knicks.


The flush known simply as "The Dunk"



And since Jordan was the one to hate, who better to root for than Jordan's counterpart, John Starks? Starks was Jordan's antithesis in many ways on the basketball court, except for the fact that both were fiercely competitive, which of course led to a number of scraps.

A lot of this was made more poignant for a rabid Bulls hater by the fact that the Bulls always won. The Knicks only bested the Bulls in the playoffs during the one year that Jordan was on his all too short hiatus in 94. And even that was only brought about by a Hugh Hollins long overdue foul call that actually went against the Bulls for once.

Knicks vs. Pacers


The Knicks-Pacers rivalry actually started in 93, when Reggie Miller headbutted John Starks. This would begin the process in which Miller became the Garden archvillain and the whole Miller vs. the Garden rivalry that became one of the most memorable NBA themes of the 90s. The Knicks went on to win the 93 series.

But with Jordan gone, the Knicks-Pacers series in 94 in the Eastern Conference Finals was a bit more important. Though the Knicks won that series in 7, the most famous game was Game 5, when Reggie hit 5 triples in the 4th quarter and had 25 points in the 4th to lead a Pacers comeback. Reggie would commit a questionable flagrant on Starks in the end of Game 7 that ended the Pacers' chances as well.

The next year was perhaps Reggie's most memorable playoff antics, with the 8 points in 8 seconds in Game 1 in the Garden. Down by 6 with 15 seconds left, the Pacers actually came back to win that one on their way to winning the series in New York in 7 off Ewing's gimme layup miss.

In 98 and 2000, Reggie had game tying triples near the buzzer in the Garden to force overtime, both games turning into Pacer wins. With those triples came the infamous choke sign and even more antics with Spike Lee in the front row. In all, Reggie went on to have 9 30+ point playoff games against the Knicks.

Pacers vs. Bulls

In 1998, Jordan told ESPN that playing against Reggie "drives me nuts." That wasn't exactly the compliment it sounded like, as Jordan went on to say, "It's like chicken-fighting with a woman. His game is all this flopping-type thing. He weighs only 185 pounds, so you have to be careful, don't touch him, or it's a foul. On offense I use all my 215 pounds and just move him out. But he has his hands on you all the time, like a woman holding your waist. I just want to beat his hands off because it's illegal. It irritates me."


Jordan's frustration with Miller eventually boiled over, which precipitated a scuffle that still gets played in NBA fights highlight reels. That scuffle and those comments came before Jordan ever faced Miller in the playoffs. The Pacers were perhaps never better than in 98, which was also the Bulls final title run. What resulted was a 7 game series that was a whole lot closer than most people remember in the Eastern Conference Finals.

The series is famous for yet another vintage Reggie triple (and a vintage pushoff) in Game 4, where he "shook free" of Jordan to hit a buzzer beating 3 to win the game and even the series. Jordan still mentioned the push off years later.

The Pacers took a 15 point lead in the first half of Game 7 in Chicago before the Bulls came back to win that game and beat the Jazz on a Reggie type pushoff by Jordan against Bryon Russell in his Game 6 game winning shot.

Knicks vs. Heat

Jordan's second departure left a huge void at the Top of the East that was usually filled during the regular season by the Miami Heat. This would lead to a number of playoff battles against the Knicks, who still had the core of Ewing/Starks/Oakley along with additions like Childs and Houston.

These two teams have been credited as the breed of the Pistons' Bad Boys mugging defensive style that pushed the style upon the NBA into the present day (and a movement that the Suns are just now starting to reverse).

The division rivals had bad blood even before playoff clashes, and everyone's seen the Larry Johnson/Alonzo boxing contest and Jeff Van Gundy hanging on Zo's leg.

But the rivalry's climax may have come in the 1997 playoffs in Round 2. The Knicks jumped out to a 3-1 lead over the Heat, leading Ewing to comment that we would be seeing the Knicks heading to Chicago shortly.

In Game 5, the Heat were on their way to a win in their building when one of the wierdest fights of all time was started by Charlie Ward and PJ Brown. Brown bodyslammed Ward to the floor, leading a bunch of Knicks players to come off the bench. What resulted was a bunch of ejections and suspensions to the likes of Starks and Ewing that gave the Heat the chance to win the series.

The Knicks would get the best of the Heat in other playoff contests, often eliminating the Heat in deciding games on Houston buzzer beaters and the like.

Of course, Jordan retired in 98, Starks was traded to the Jazz, the Knicks core began to be rebuilt along with a decrepit Ewing, and all the personalities that had marked the 90s rivalries were either gone for good or off their respective teams, except for Reggie.

And if Reggie does leave, the last tangible link to that era of the NBA is going with him.

Now that the predictable Conference Finals matchups are set, and since I already predicted the Spurs/Pistons to win in 6, it's time for someone to talk about tennis.
With the French Open starting today, there is no better time to talk about tennis, if there's ever a good time to talk about it.

The reason is because the French Open is often the most unpredictable sporting event of the year, due to the surface (clay) and the number of Spanish players who specialize their games on clay. What results is former no namers like Carlos Moya and Gaston Gaudio literally coming out of nowhere to breeze through the tournament. Even in his prime, Sampras could get no further than the French semis.

And since the seeding isn't determined by how good someone can play on clay, the seeds are totally meaningless. Federer of course is the #1 seed, but no pundit is expecting him to win. Instead, Rafael Nadal, the 18 year old Spaniard who's been tearing it up all season, is the clearcut favorite. Nadal has had the 2nd best year behind Federer, and hailing from Spain, clay is definitely his best surface. The kid has never played in the French Open and yet he's the clear favorite.

Nadal is also the 4 seed, which put him in Federer's half of the bracket. If Federer can make it to the semis, he will likely run into the Nadal buzzsaw. Guillermo Coria is the 8 seed, and he'll likely be the favorite to make it to the Finals through the other bracket.

So here are my predictions for the semis and the winner:

Nadal and Federer. Nadal wins in 4 sets.
Guillermo Coria and Guillermo Canas. Coria wins in 4 sets.

Nadal beats Coria in 4 sets in the Finals.

And unless Sharapova's playing, who cares about the women?

Madison Lemmings

The fact that half of these stories took place in Madison, where I did not go to school, is a testament to the madness that occurs there. It also makes me wonder how much more shit would have happened if I had gone there.

This story took place during sophomore year.

The Main Players


"Don't take my cup."


99%, minus the "Hallowbeast."


"Dat Wigga Stevo"


"Godzilla." nhjic

Stevo was in town due to conflicting school breaks, so the two of us went to Madison to visit 99% and Godzilla. Those two had met some birthday girl at a football game and had gotten an invite to her party, so we headed over to what we thought was her place and started drinking away.

Only about an hour into that party did 99% realize we were at the wrong fucking place. Apparently he was trying to knockboots with this birthday girl, and not being at her party wasn't facilitating that process.

It turned out that we were only two rooms away from the birthday girl's place in this apartment complex, which was on the 2nd floor. So we go into the birthday girl's party with the cups from the other party, just to have those bitches tell us that we had to buy another cup. I told the bitch she wasn't taking our cups and she actually grabbed and broke Stevo's, then offered to give him a new one for a reduced price.

This enraged us enough to retaliate. The line for the bathroom was pretty fucking long, so Stevo got into line and I decided to use the girl's bedroom as my personal can. Having had to go pretty bad, I did a pretty good job of hitting everything in that room while Stevo stood guard over the door. I exited the bedroom and went back downstairs. Stevo got into the bathroom and, according to him, used the girls' toothbrush to brush something other than his teeth . After he had pissed (in the toilet), he also did some dabbling with the toothbrush in there too. Then he put the toothbrush back. No homo to this entire paragraph.

Having gotten revenge, the rest of the night was going normally. 99% had struck out, leaving the 4 of us to do nothing but drink heavily. But after a few hours the cops started knocking on the door.

Now anyone with any experience in that situation should know that quieting down, turning off the music and breaking up the party and leaving is all that is required, especially in Madison where the cops could make a full time job out of breaking them up. Basically anyone in college should have known that. Apparently only Stevo and I did. We sat down a few feet from the front door and continued to drink away. 99% and Godzilla, despite living in Madison, were unaware of this and went hiding in the bedroom that I had earlier used as my own personal facility.

But the other people were going absolutely fucking nuts with fear. Scores of people started making their way into the kitchen to get onto the balcony. Then these motherfuckers actually began to jump off the second story balcony to get away from the cops. And this wasn't an isolated incident. It was a whole damn lemming parade. Having walked to the place earlier, we knew the ground was uneven too, which certainly had to lead to some fucked up ankles. Add in the fact that plenty of these people were really drunk, and I can only imagine some of the injuries sustained by the jumpers.

Of course, sure as shit, after all those dumbshits had jumped, the place got quiet, the music got turned off, the owners of the apartment let the cops in, and those who were sane simply walked out of the place without a problem.

We met up with 99% and Godzilla back at their dorm and promptly began to start passing out, no homo. But Stevo had one more stunt to pull, unbeknownst to all (including himself). Having passed out, Stevo somehow awoke from his coma, walked out of the room, shut the door and then turned around and pissed all over 99%'s door. No homo juelz santana, but the moral of the story clearly is you don't wanna fuck with Stevo. That, and don't jump 15 feet off a balcony to get away from the cops when you can walk right past them.

The NBA finally released their All NBA teams today.

About two weeks ago, I predicted the teams. I did pretty well.

Here were my picks, with the bold ones being correct and the wrong ones being struck out with the actual player.

All NBA 1st Team

Nash
Iverson
James Tim Duncan
Nowitzki
Shaq

All NBA 2nd Team

Wade
Bryant Ray Allen
McGrady LeBron James
Garnett
Stoudemire

All NBA 3rd Team

Arenas
Pierce Kobe Bryant
Marion
Duncan Tracy McGrady
B. Wallace

All in all, I did a pretty good job, getting 10 of the 15 on the right teams. The only person I didn't put on any team that made it was Ray, in place of Paul Pierce. I'd probably agree with putting Ray over Pierce at 3rd Team, but I'd move McGrady ahead of Ray at 2nd Team.

Placing Duncan on the 3rd Team was definitely an oversight, although clearly his team's success had more to do with getting him on 1st Team than his numbers, which weren't all that good this year. I couldn't have predicted the NBA 1st Team putting 7'1 Dirk Nowitzki on the team basically as a 3, and I think LeBron should have been on the 1st Team in Duncan's place.

Bol probably put it best when he said that System of a Down tracks can sound completely different and yet still have their distinct sound.

Almost everyone has heard the group's hits, like Toxicity and Chop Suey. Personally my favorite tracks are Spiders and Sugar, from the first album.

This album officially came out yesterday, but one of the group's albums prodded me to "Steal This Album," so I took their advice.

Soldier Side - Intro

Nothing like a psychedelic sounding anti-war message to start off the festivities.

B.Y.O.B.

This is another anti war track, with a bunch of hard rock. As is their forte, the track switches up unpredictably throughout. "Everyone's gonna have a really good time, marching through the desert, blowing up the sunshine." BYOB of course stands for Bring Your Own Bombs.

Revenga

System of a Down albums may be the hardest to review, because everything is off the wall and likely to change completely in a split second. I don't know why the track is called Revenga, when they constantly refer to revenge in the track (and say revenge). Nature of the beast I guess (nhjic).

Cigaro

I don't care what genre of music it is. Anytime a rapper or band is insistent on comparing the size of his phallic instrument to others (nh), it's a terrible thing.

Radio/Video

This track sounds like polka or something you'd see crazy Russian dancing to as the band rocks on talking about being on the radio.

This Cocaine Makes Me Feel Like I’m On This Song

The track starts out with softer than usual rock until Serj starts in with some absolutely zany, almost impossible to understand ranting. They weren't kidding about the coke.

Violent Pornography

"Everybody, everybody, everybody fucks and on and on and on." The number of times the word everybody is said is mindnumbing. The hook about fucking chicks, violent pornography and sodomy is definitely different.

Question!

This track sounds more like Disturbed than the typical System tracks. Not that that's a bad thing.

Sad Statue

This is probably the most political track on the album. With lyrics like "you and me will all go down in history, with a sad Statue of Liberty, and a generation that didn't agree." and "What is in us that turns a deaf ear to the cries of human suffering?!!!" this is the essence of the group.

Old School Hollywood

Trying to describe this track is impossible, with all the different sound effects and the voice boxes. I don't know what Old School Hollywood and Baseball have to do with each other, but I don't care either.

Lost in Hollywood

This is another track that sounds like it came off a Disturbed CD. It reminds me of Sugar. More straightforward than usual, no switchups or anything.

This album is less than 40 minutes long, which I don't mind (mostly because I didn't buy it for like 15 bucks). Apparently System of a Down is putting out another album later this year, as a sort of Part 2. At least that's what the assholes at Amazon.com said.

This shit's not bad. It's certainly not Toxicity or their first album though. I'm sure the group's fans will find enough about it to like it.

The principal reason I ever bother listening to J.R. Writer is because of his name. After that, the reasons start to dwindle. As I've mentioned in other reviews of Diplomats stuff, JR Writer sounds like Cam on speed, and trying to listen to his verses can hurt one's head (nh).

But today, no homo juelz santana, someone gave me the heads up about the existence of Writer's Block Volume 2, before I even knew there was a Volume 1.

Anyway, he didn't want to waste hard drive space, so he wanted me to review and verify that this is trash, if it is. But I know a lot of people who come to this site are Dipset fans, and I'm learning to cope with that fact. So I'll go through the rigorous scientific approach.

Intro

Cam does an intro over what sounds like a phone telling us that JR "will be out this year." Out of what? The closet? After that intro, I honestly am not 100% sure if Writer or Cam is the one doing the track, since the beat is slow and thus so is the verse. Writer usually does faster verses, but I think this is him.

Call My Bluff Freestyle

*Aw, CHJYEAH* I thought that was Santana's stupid trademark. Anyway, Writer drops a 90 second freestyle over a decent beat. This wasn't bad.

Prove It (featuring Juelz Santana)

Writer keeps doing the Santana *CHJYEAH* thing, this time in honor of Juelz being on the track I guess. Writer drops a tight first verse and ok second/third verses over an average beat. Unfortunately, Santana only drops the hook on this track.

Lay Down

I couldn't get a version of this song to download off Morpheus My $7.99 copy of this mixtape somehow forgot to include this track.

1-800-JR-Writer

At the end of this track, which I guess has an ok verse, JR tells us to call him up at 1-800-JR-Writer. I wonder if he stole his cell phone, JR Ryder style.

Throw It Up

In the middle of the first verse, Writer actually cuts it off and says "I had to give y'all a little break off the song, give ya a little time to recover." The only recovery I could get from this was hitting next.

Gat Man Freestyle

Green Lantern does the intro on this track. It takes the beat from the 50 track off the Massacre. Writer's flow is impressive on this track, and it's pretty much necessary given the pace of the beat. This is one of the best cuts on this tape, despite how short it is.

Best Out, featuring Hell Rell

Hell Rell's back. His verses are basically just like an average slow Writer verse, except his voice is obviously different. I think Hell Rell's incapable of flowing any faster than a slow talking. Meanwhile, Writer does his vintage 100 rhymes per sentence that just make your head spin.

And the beats on this tape are way too similar.

Me

That's one of the least original track titles I've ever seen. A decent beat though. Writer makes a couple of interesting similes. One refers to Alicia and "pushing keys." Then there's "and I can get them chains off you faster than Abraham Lincoln," which is probably the cleverest line I've heard on this tape.

The problem is that when it comes to slow flows, Writer sounds way too much like Cam, and he's not as good at that as Cam, so he's practically irrelevant.

Live By The Codes

Although this beat will remind a listener of most of the other ones on this tape, I think this might be the best track on here. Writer doesn't do the typical rhyme overload this time, and his lyrics are subsequently more forceful.

Get It On

Nothing could have EVER prepared me for the first 15 seconds of that track. I almost hate to ruin the surprise for anyone considering downloading this stuff but let's just say it involves a high profile college basketball announcer who some might consider obnoxious.

*OH AMERICA ARE YOU SERIOUS. IT IS SHOWTIME BABY. HERE WE GO. RAM SLAM BAM JAM. ITS AWESOME BABY!*

It's hard to recover from that serinading to actually listen to the rest of the track. The beat's ok, although it reminds me of a bunch of the earlier stuff on this tape.

Pushing

This might be the most obnoxious track ever. Whoever produced this one should be shot on the spot.

Who's Nice Freestyle

If this was a freestyle, it was a decent one for the first 45 seconds or so.

Memorable Moments (featuring 40 Cal.)

Nothing about 40 Cal is memorable. But he's better on this track than he was on whichever Diplomatic Immunity 2 shits he was on, that's for sure.

But another monotonous beat made sure the only thing memorable about this was how fast I turned it off.

Give Me A Second

"It sounds like we're going into overdrive overdrive." I don't get it either. And now even JR is doing that Juelz *CHJYEAH* stuff in the background. This is one of those verses where JR rhymes almost every word and it's impossible to comprehend what the fuck he's talking about, and he's doing it over a bland loop.

Cold As Ice

I think this is the first time a piano is used on this tape, but only for the first 30 seconds, where they have some black man talking some stuff. This beat is a bit more prevalent than the other ones, and Writer's verse is mediocre.

Harder Then Ever, featuring Hell Rell

The hook on this track is barely audible. Hell Rell's considerably better on this shit than Writer, even with his lazy flow. At least that gives him the chance to word out lines like "Get Midwest love from Midwest thugs, and my niggas they lift up weight and bench press drugs." Update: DJX pointed out the necessity of a major no homo for this whole paragraph, so here it is. MAJOR NO HOMO.

Mezmorized

Sure as shit, this beat samples the same shit Ja and Ashanti did for their Mesmerize, which actually made the VH1&Blender Top 50 Awesomely Bad songs list. I saw the program yesterday and Ja was there at like 38. I'd say it was a good choice, except no variation of the word awesome should have been associated with it.

I guess this is Writer's attempt at a chick song. Whatever.

Something Epic

You might get your hopes up when you hear the Jay sample "We invite you to something epic." But then Writer quickly says "Me" and goes ahead to drop a verse over the beat from Can I Live. This is a decent changeup if only because the other beats to this point sound too alike.

And you'll never believe this, but Writer doesn't flow over the beat as well as Jay did.

Back In The Zone

I swear to God someone took one beat and made 20 modifications and had Writer put a verse on each modification.

Hell Of A Ryder (featuring Ron)

I was waiting the whole time to download this track because I wanted to know what kind of scrub goes simply by the name "Ron." What's next? Someone's going to come up with the moniker Joe Smith?

I was actually hoping Ron referred to Ron Artest, but of course it wasn't. Ron actually sounds like Cam, but I don't think it's him. And I'm not going to waste anymore time with this track because it's not very good.

9 Minute Freestyle

This track is 8:44 long. Can someone say false advertising?

All kidding aside, this shit is pretty tight, especially the first few minutes. Writer is actually helped by having a faint beat that doesn't factor much into the track.

Unquestionably this is the most impressive track on the tape.

Down & Out Freestyle (featuring Fred Money$)

I guess Fred Money is Writer's 15 year old brother. If the kid's only 15, that first verse he drops is all the more impressive. Fred Money's voice is also deeper than his older brother, who I think is 19.

Harlem Freestyle

"History in the making this summer" in reference to his impending album. Right.
Given the 8-9 minute freestyle, Writer obviously wasn't going to top that with this. This freestyle is average at best.

Bonus Track: 1 Thing, featuring Amerie

Before I turned this on, I have to admit that I thought this had the potential to be the worst song ever. After all, Amerie is absolutely horrible, and the 1 Thing track is one of the worst songs I have ever fucking heard.

This beat is the epitome of schizophrenia on wax. The idea actually could have been kind of funny if Writer had kept talking about nailing Amerie as she does that little orgasm sounding shit in the background.

Unfortunately, the "official Diplomat remix" that Writer refers to is simply that first 45 second verse of his, followed by the entire Amerie track, so all her "verses" actually show up on this track. That definitely fucks everything up. Why is this a bonus track anyway?

Well, this mixtape answered some questions, but not others. I can now tell that someone not to waste his hard drive space on this mixtape.

On a few tracks, Writer tells us to call him up at 1-800-JRWRITER. Yes, that's 8 digits but I called it anyway. All I got was a voice automated woman telling me to call a talk line to talk to "some exciting people." I'm guessing those exciting people aren't the Diplomats.

But JR Writer's tape still didn't answer the one burning question I had throughout listening to this.

How the hell did Isaiah Ryder get the nickname "J.R." anyway?

Kylie Minogue diagnosed with breast cancer.

I think a lot more shots from that angle will be necessary from now on.

Since Tony Parker can't do anything well, Gregg Popovich has taken him out of the game and put in the foreigner backup.

No, not Udrih.


And suddenly the Spurs were watchable!

RapReviews.com never ceases to amaze me (nh).

First, I can't get over that someone decided that they were so big an authority on rap that they should buy the domain rapreviews.com and waste a gang of time writing reviews.

Second, I can't get over how terrible the reviews are. Let me demonstrate some of the most ridiculous ones.

According to RapReviews.com Until the End of Time's beats are better than Makaveli's.

If you're lucky, you've never heard the posthumous Pac album "Until the End of Time." Suffice it to say, the suggestion that the first disc of UTEOT was comparable to All Eyez On Me is one of the most ridiculous things ever, let alone the suggestion that it had better production than stuff like Bomb First, Hail Mary etc. Hell, the Outlawz albums get ranked just a tick under Makaveli on the site.

According to RapReviews, The Massacre is an 8 out of 10. No Homo Juelz Santana to this Rap Reviews comment on 50.

"Three things make 50 an effective and popular MC: riding to some of the best beats in the business, lyrics that vary from menacing reality to humerous pimping and flossing, and the slightly slurry delivery of his flow which can be attributed to the fact he took a shot straight through the jaw. Now whether or not that's the right way to get a memorable voice is certainly up for debate (I wouldn't recommend it) but there's no denying his hypnotic effect"

50 is many things, but an effective MC is not one of them.

According to RapReviews, The D.O.C. - No One Can Do It Better and N.W.A. - Straight Outta Compton don't exist. That or they weren't good enough to be reviewed. But don't worry, both Jacki-O albums have been extensively reviewed.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that RapReviews should officially be boycotted by everyone who reads this page, the linked affiliates, the Mindset Army and everyone else who cares about rap.

As most of you readers are all aware, DJXplicit has become known for better or worse as the James Madison of the no homo interpretations; the definitive authority on the matter. Introducing such critical variations as no homo just in case (nhjic), DJX has set the standards for proper usage and proper terms. No homo to this whole fucking paragraph.

Anyway, most of you are aware (or should already be) that the whole phrase originated with Dipset. But I've noticed recently in some Dips tracks that they like to say the phrase before the line that necessitates it. I heard Juelz do this multiple times on a burned CD of mine as I wandered aimlessly around Milwaukee today.

Thus I'm nominating a new usage of the phrase. Instead of pre emptive no homo, I think "no homo juelz santana" should definitely prefix the lines that necessitate it.

^ No homo to all of that.

Apparently, it's Shaq and Dwyane Gayde.



That is the gayest picture I have ever seen. No homo.

For some reason the state of Wisconsin has some weird issues with condoms, as evidenced by this article and a first hand experience.

After spending more than $1.8 million for a temporary system to catch stray condoms slipping through a sewage treatment plant, a Milwaukee Metropolitan Sewerage District spokesman says officials are fairly confident a majority of condoms are now being caught before they can reach Lake Michigan.

In one stop at Wisconsin, buying condoms can actually be a moneymaking experience.

On our way to Winona the other weekend, we came across a liquor store with a condom dispensing machine. After Mad Dog purchased a "Rough and Rugged" condom for 75 cents (no homo), he found a 1 dollar rebate on the back, which had to be mailed to Georgia.

I guess taking stampage into account, the profits are a bit less. But at least they get used someway or another around here.

Car Ride With Mohammed Atta

Just before Spring Break of Freshman year, the Gimp and I and a couple other guys decided to head up to Madison for a big house party being thrown by some people we knew. Unfortunately for us, the Gimp was bringing two of the rowdiest fucking guys of all time.

The Main Players


The Gimp wouldn't be taking the ill fated car ride.


I would.


"The Wolff," no relation to Winston.

I don't have pictures of the other two guys (nhjic), but suffice it to say that one of them is a Marine who's definitely trigger happy. He actually fought in Fallujah a few months back. The other is smaller but is an even bigger hellraiser, no homo to this entire paragraph.

Anyway we all went to this party, which was just like any other party in Madison, until the Gimp's friends decide it would be funny to pull the fire alarm and break the glass to get the fire extinguisher out. Of course, we all ended up going back to the dorm where one of our friends lived, no homo. By then it was about 3 a.m. and half of the crowd, including the Gimp, passed out.

Meanwhile the Wolff, the Marine, the other guy and I decided we'd see if some sort of food store was still open on State Street, which of course there wasn't. But we walked all the way to State Street just to find everything closed.

Instead of walking back the two miles or so that we had just walked, the other 3 were intent on getting a ride. Believe it or not, there were no taxis around at almost 4 am, but for some reason still unbeknownst to us, there was an Arab dude in a car parked on the wrong side of the road. So of course those guys asked him to give us a ride.

I don't know what this guy was on, but the first words he said in response to our request was "Do you believe in Jesus Christ?" The Wolff was adamant about not getting a ride from this guy, but the 4 of us actually got into this guy's car and asked for a ride to the Kohl Center.

"Mohammed Atta" continued to talk about Jesus Christ, and he was unintelligible regarding anything else. He also had no clue where the fuck he was going or what the hell he was doing. Continuing his discussion of whether or not we believe in Jesus Christ, the guy went through the first red light before pulling a surprise left turn out of nowhere. At that point, we decided that enough was enough.

The Gimp's friends decided that drunk driving was safer than that, and they were correct. So they actually drove home. Meanwhile the Wolff and I eventually found our way back and had to sleep in the lobby, no homo.

Progress Report

The Marine would continue to start fights with people and beat the hell out of them (nh), much like he did in the "Cockpump" story, major no homo. The only time the Marine lost a fight was when he was actually tasered by someone. The other guy would continue his vandalism, including stealing a bunch of XBox games, an electric razor and other stuff from the next house party we were at with him.

And of course, a few months later our driver proved he knew how to fly a plane better than drive a car.

In the technological age of the 21st century, where the sports world worries itself about creams, syringes and whizzinators, it's nice to know that someone was still giving a damn about good ole weed.

Enter Nate Newton, whose professed goal was to be "the dopest man."

Why would Nate, an ex All Pro worth several million, subject himself to the drug world and eventually wind up in jail?

"I've always been competitive, I've always been in sports," said Newton, a six-time Pro Bowl offensive lineman who retired after the 2000 season. "I couldn't see myself not being the biggest dope man."

But now, Nate's looking into making other deals.

"I got on my knees and said, 'God, I want to make a deal. ... You protect me in here, and when I come out, I'll do everything I can to make it right,'" he said.

So here's Bloggystyle's salute to Nate Newton, the biggest and dopest weed carrier of them all.

Juelz Santana has been relatively busy the past few months, between Diplomatic Immunity II and various mixtape appearances.

As I noted in that review, the Dips' style is pretty much inconsistently hit or miss from track to track. Santana came up on the big Cam album a few years ago, did a couple of tight songs on the first Diplomatic Immunity, and then pretty much flopped his first solo album.

Diplomatic Immunity II was pretty garbage, although Santana had the best track on that piece of shit with the bumpin S A N T A N A. Since that time, the Dips have been hitting up the mixtape world, which is probably a good thing. A few months ago Santana hosted a DJ Absolut tape, dropping a couple of tracks on it. "Not Fuckin With Dipset" with Santana and Hell Rell was clearly the best track on that tape.

Santana, or "Human Crack In The Flesh" (no homo?), put out this mixtape in late February and it's hosted by Green Lantern. So it's been out for 2 months, but since Mic Check is picking up steam, now seemed like a good time to review it.

Intro

If you've heard one mixtape intro, you've heard them all.

Yup Yup

Juelz likes to say *Chjeah* and other weird versions of the word "yeah." Same with his constant use of Yup, so I guess it was time to have a whole song about it.

Mic Check (1 2 1 2)

They actually put out a video for this track, so this one's getting around. In fact, the version I illegally downloaded has Kay Slay's bitchass all over it (no homo). Besides listening to that fat bastard, Juelz is better than usual on this track, probably because the fast paced beat requires an actual flow.

Straight Up Menace

Juelz gets away from his regularly scheduled programming of drugs, bitches and money to drop a really tight track about coming up from childhood. The beat is slower but it's still tight, and Juelz's lyrics are actually more important than the rhyme scheme for the first time I can remember.

Y'all Can't Touch This

At this point, there's something comical about Green Lantern yelling "more crack" at the beginning of every track. The beat sounds like one of those NBC theme songs for a sports presentation. Juelz says "I'm the best thing since Guess jeans." Uh, ok (nhjic). This track is filler even on a mixtape, which is saying something.

Damn It Feels Good

I haven't heard that "Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangster" track in a long time, mostly by design. For most of the track, Juelz flows like he didn't hear this beat before his vocals were finished.

Slow Down

"What you are is a slut girl." For some reason I didn't expect this track to be a story about a hoe. And it's a bad one. Sometimes Juelz drops impressive multi syllable rhymes by not bothering to make sense. This time he practically doesn't drop multi syllable rhymes.

Back Like Cooked Crack

We have already been told that Juelz is Back Like Cooked Crack the previous 8 songs.

Bad News

The beats up to this point have generally made this album listenable, but this beat sounds like Em could have produced it. Blah.

Don't Want To Fuck With Da Dips featuring J.R. Writer

I still laugh at the name J.R. Writer. On his verse he actually sounds like someone took a Cam verse and turned the vocal speed up 10 times. J.R. Writer rhymed every other two words and yet I still have no fucking clue what he just said.

Meanwhile Juelz dropped some ridiculously corny lines. "Forget filet mignon, you'll be filet min gone." Writer's second verse is worse than the first, but Juelz drops an ok second verse.

I Can Feel It

As you might have guessed, the beat/hook samples the Beans track. Juelz drops a "Straight Up Menace" type verse, except even more discombobulated. For the first verse, if you can even call it that, Juelz just rambles about his rap career. Then in the second verse he actually starts rapping about his career some more, mostly without the typical guns, sex, drugs shit. Somehow it's listenable.

Bandana

I can't explain the beat other than to say it's weird. It's some sort of electric guitar riff sounding shit. It reminds me of a slower, inferior version of Crunk Muzic, but at least it doesn't involve Jim Jones.

I'm Hot You Ain't

This is a straight sample from T.I.'s 24s. The funny thing about these tracks is Juelz keeps talking about how the Dips are on top of their business, and yet almost all of their major releases always get pushed back and still are mediocre.

Half Time Show

The first 30 seconds of this track is *I'm BAAAAACK* and playing S A N T A N A, which is a marked improvement over the rest of the track. Apparently Juelz has a solo album that's going to drop sometime soon. At least that's what I've heard about a dozen times on this mixtape.

Juelz does a verse on this track that is half Spanish, and then J.R. Writer does a verse talking a bunch of Spanish, and then some unknown fuckers do verses entirely in Spanish. The other half of the track is a hook consisting of *OK I'M RELOOOADED!!!!!!!* In otherwords, this track's not all that good. Ok, it's the worst on here.

Fucker and Friends

I think this is actually as close as a Dipset member gets to doing a slow jam. Sampling some sort of Usher shit that I can't name because I'm straight, Juelz does a verse that just gets ridiculous at the end.

Get Down

Speaking of major releases getting pushed back, Killa Cam stops by to deliver one of those vintage verses over a beat that I would describe as schizophrenia on wax. Cam's ok, but they do some annoying shit during Juelz's verse that made me hit next.

Long Time Comming

Maybe if you didn't spend so much time yelling "I'm BAAAACK," it wouldn't take you so long to come (major no homo).

Glock Pop, featuring Bugz

Bugz was absolutely atrocious on Diplomatic Immunity II, but he's not as bad on his verse for this beast. The beat is like a mix between Asian shit and video games, like the theme song of Romance of the 3 Kingdoms or something. Juelz is all right on this track.

Gunner Clap

This sampled one of those obnoxious crunk tracks that had like Lil Jon collabing with Beenie Man or something. Which is a good starting point for Juelz, because the track is inherently better without the aforesaid individuals. Other than that, there's nothing noteworthy about this track.

Dipset Inferno

Do you really need to guess what this samples? I'll be the first to admit that the beat's listenable, and taking 50 off the beat definitely helped. Juelz doesn't do anything groundbreaking with this, but it's not that bad.

Preview, featuring Hell Rell

I don't even know what to say about Hell Rell, other than his claim to fame is only being separated by two degrees of weed carrying from Cam. Not exactly the grandest accomplishment.

Uhh Ahh, featuring Hell Rell

Rell's back for the second straight track. The result is far from Not Fuckin With Dipset. I think Rell already had his "AZ on Life's A Bitch" moment of his career.

Drop A Couple Pounds

This one's humorous. Sampling Drop It Like It's Hot, Juelz does a verse bashing fat bitches. The hook is "Now if you can't see your shoes, and you don't know what to do, better hit the gym girl, stop eatin all the food." The verse isn't clever but it's still funny enough.

Y'all Ain't Gangster, featuring Bezel

Juelz is probably above average on this track compared to the rest of the mixtape, but then they brought Bezel onto the track, and that was it.

You Ain't My Homie, featuring T.I.

This track samples T.I.'s You Don't Know Me, which is definitely a good start. Despite having a good beat to work with, Santana's just wack on this.

And when it said this featured T.I. I didn't figure it would just take verse 1 from You Don't Know Me. It's a nice verse and all but still.

We Don't Give A Fuck, featuring Paul Wall

Paul Wall and Juelz Santana is definitely an odd combination, no homo. Who came up with the idea for this track? Anyway, since Paul Wall's on it, they need the beat to be Mike Jones/Still Tippin/Swishahouse slow, and Juelz just can't pull that off.

All in all, this is probably a good release as far as Dipset fans are concerned. Because if you're a big Dipset fan, it means you're used to some really bad shit, no homo. And Santana's got a habit of putting out one banging track that's way better than the rest on every album. I'm sure the solo album will be like that too.

Graduation Weekend at Winona/New Taxi Service

About once a semester, all of us would go up to Winona St. University for a few reasons. First, there's a friend of our's who goes to school there. Second, the girl to guy ratio is something like 6:1. When someone asks me why I'm going to Winona, I tell them I'm going to "Winona" to "ride her" (sorry, but I had to throw that joke in).

Regardless, this past weekend our friend, who we'll call "G," graduated from the school, so it was time to celebrate. In a span of three days, some very unfortunate events occurred.

The Main Players


Mad Dog Literally Runs Wild.


G and Mad Dog, Doing the Only Thing They Do Well.


It Wasn't My Best Weekend...

Since Mad Dog and I didn't have classes last Friday, we headed up to Winona on Thursday night, with the graduation party slated for Friday. We caught up with G on Thursday night and kept it relatively low key, saving it for the next day.

Friday

Friday's Graduation Party celebrated more at my expense than G's. We started drinking in the afternoon, and the party had about 2 dozen people shuffling in and out at any one time. We were drinking beer until one of our friends said he'd buy us a 750 of Jack Single Barrell if we could drink a full 750 on Friday. I don't know what the hell this guy was thinking, but Mad Dog and I had no problem finishing that 750, and it was a $45 bottle.

By 9 the two of us were abnormally drunk, so we went to pass out. They woke me up an hour later to go to the bars, and then showed me that they had fucking shaved my head while I was out. With that welcome surprise, we went downtown, and I promptly proceeded to get lost in the middle of nowhere Winona. Eventually an exchange student who looked and talked like a European soccer hooligan gave me a ride to the main street in town, at which point I found my way back to G's house and passed out. I didn't think things could get worse.

Saturday

Incredibly, they got worse. We didn't start drinking until 9:30 pm on this night, still recovering from Friday's overload (no homo). When we went to the first bar and had about 6 mixed drinks, we still didn't think it would get out of hand.

Unfortunately, from 12-1 (MN bars close at 1, which is gay, nh), one of the bars had $1 jagerbombs. Still relatively sober, G, Mad Dog, me and another friend of our's head on into that bar and promptly received 13 jagerbombs for the 4 of us. That wasn't a big deal, but G and Mad Dog kept buying rounds of jagerbombs and within the first 20 minutes we had already each had about 6 jagerbombs.

At this point, I had to piss, but I somehow took a wrong turn in the bar and wound up in some sort of storage room. So I decided to relieve myself (nh) right in the middle of this storage room, but halfway through some employees started coming down the stairs, so I had to pinch it off, tell them I was lost and get the fuck out of there.

I then found the right bathroom and started finishing what I had started when suddenly I got hit from behind by someone yelling "Milwaukee sucks." Apparently wearing a throwback Bucks hat is grounds to get punched in the back of the head. The guy took off before I even saw him. I said to the guy next to me that next time someone should tell me something I didn't already know when they punch me. He started telling me some bullshit story about playing with Mike Redd. Whatever.

I came out of the can and located the guys still at the bar in the same place. Unfortunately some party had just ordered 23 jagerbombs down the bar. Mad Dog pulled a bartender over and asked how many jagerbombs it was. When told it was 23, he promptly ordered 24. I stood there stupified at the thought of having to take another 6 right in a row. I said fuck it and only took 4 of them, as did our other friend. G took his 6, which meant Mad Dog had to take 10. He apparently took them and somehow managed not to toss right there.

At this point it was still only about 12:45. Incredibly, G got thrown out of the bar for being out of control, despite the fact he was the only one still somewhat coherent. The other 3 of us then left the bar with G and apparently we went to Hardee's. From this point on, I don't remember a thing.

What apparently happened was Mad Dog took off and got lost, leading me on a chase. We had lost the other 2. I eventually caught up because he started tossing. At some point during this melee, the cops showed up.

In a situation like this about 3 months ago, G got stopped by the cops and when he got indignant with them, they hauled his ass off to detox, where he was stuck for 36 hours and fined $450.

Neither Mad Dog or I remember how we didn't get that fate, but the cops threw us in the back of the car and drove us back to G's house. They had to wake everyone else up to verify that we had given them the right address, which didn't go over so well with the house's occupants at 2:45.

What a night not to remember.

As I mentioned yesterday, I'm going to be quite bored by this oh so predictable Round 2, which I predicted about a month ago anyway. The Conference Finals and Finals should be more interesting though.

Eastern Conference Finals

Way back when, I said the Pistons would beat the Pacers in 5 and the Heat would beat the Wizards in 5. Of course, everyone has picked the Pistons and the Heat to play in the ECF.

But agreements end there. Despite the fact that Shaq has been gimpy the last month, despite the fact Shaq has only put up 20/10 this year, despite the fact that the Pistons easily handled a better Lakers team last year, and despite the fact that the Pistons have a big that can spread the floor (Sheed), people are still picking the Heat to beat the Pistons.

People have said the Pistons bench is worse than last year. They lost Mike James and gained McDyess. I'm not saying McDyess is a worldbeater, but Mike James wasn't worth enough for even the Bucks to keep around. Besides, their role players accomplish their task, which is to do nothing but play strong defense.

Moreover, Miami of this year reminds me of Indiana from the year before. A team that went from a lower seed to winning the top seed in the East, but they lack deep postseason experience. Outside of Shaq, those guys have gone no further than an Eastern semi (much like the Pacers nucleus before last year's ECF run, besides Reggie). This team, like Indy last year, has bigger starpower than the Pistons, but that's about it.

Pistons in 6

Western Conference Finals

I originally picked the Suns to beat the Mavs in 6, although after last night it looks more like 4 or 5. I also picked the Spurs in 6 over the Kings, which clearly seemed like a bit too much for the Kings, let alone the Sonics. The Spurs will probably win the first 3 against Seattle, lose Game 4 and then ice it in Game 5.

That leads us to Phoenix against San Antonio. If I had picked the Conference Finals before Round 1, I'd have picked San Antonio in 6. My DET/MIA pick hasn't been changed by what I've seen in the playoffs so far (despite Miami being 5-0 and being better than I expected thanks to Damon Jones and Keyon Dooling).

But after all that talk about how Phoenix's lack of defense and the inevitable slower tempo in the playoffs, the doubters haven't been proven correct yet. Both the Grizzlies and the Mavs (for a game) have been sucked into the high tempo. Dallas might not be able to escape it since it's actually suitable for them: they're just not as good at it as Phoenix. In addition, Phoenix can still score in the half court.

Like I said before (to much criticism), Phoenix's ability to put up 110+ points has lasted into the playoffs so far. D'Antoni's small ball and Phoenix's defense won't make a difference if they can continue to score like that.

Against the Spurs, though, I don't think they can do that in a 7 game series. The Spurs will not play that tempo (except for doses of Parker here and there), and the Spurs have the bigs to deal with Marion and Stoudemire. I do think that Phoenix's offense is good enough to win some games, and San Antonio does seem to have at least one lapse per playoff series, so I now think it'll go 7, but I don't think Phoenix has the experience or saavy to win a closeout game against the Spurs.

Spurs in 7.

Not to sound pompous, but I'm not surprised by the fact that I correctly predicted the MVP and correctly predicted 7 of 8 Round 1 series winners. In 3 of those 7 correct picks, I got the # of games exactly right as well. If only I remembered Ray Allen's 00-01 playoff run, I might not have been blindsided by the Sonics in 5 victory.

To my knowledge, the All NBA teams have not been selected yet, which gives me the opportunity to predict those as well. Without further ado, and because I expect every Round 2 series to be a sleeper, here are the All NBA Teams.

All NBA First Team

Nash
Iverson
James
Nowitzki
Shaq

All NBA Second Team

Wade
Bryant
McGrady
Garnett
Stoudemire

All NBA Third Team

Arenas
Pierce
Marion
Duncan
B. Wallace

The Gimp's Filmography Project

In Part 1 of the Mifflin Street antics, some white trash Madison skank let a train of guys finger her in the middle of a party.

In this entry, Part 2, the skanks get even more brazen. This time, all three of us were on hand to witness the event. And then some.

Main Players


Mad Dog the Executive Producer. Minus the Ogre.


The Gimp, in his Directorial Debut


J Dub the Acting Coach.

Last year, we headed up to go to the Mifflin Street Block Party and meet up with some acquaintances in Madison, who we met in some backyard on Mifflin. We stayed there for a few hours drinking before we decided to actually leave Mifflin Street and head back to our friends' house, where they had another party.

We continued to drink there for several more hours, until about probably 7 or so. At that point, since we hadn't eaten anything (no homo) all day, about 5 of us decided to head to State Street to eat at a restaurant, likely a pizza place. It was still light out as we headed away from the party and down the street, which was just a row of houses on each side separated by alleys.

We got down the road not even less than a block before the Gimp looked down one of the alleys and saw a guy and a girl in the middle of the alley. And for a second we thought we were in a church because these two individuals had assumed missionary positions, right in the middle of the fucking alley.

Our entire group stops and watched totally dumbfounded by these people fucking in broad daylight. The Gimp busted out his phone (no homo), one of those high tech bitches that can take photos, and he started taking pictures of this scene. Meanwhile a few of us started coaching the action.

At this point, the bitch heard us and comes running over to us in a drunken haze. After Mad Dog and the Gimp told her that footage of her performance was going to make the Internet, the bitch got absolutely hysterical, bawling her eyes out and begging to delete the pictures. I don't even remember what happened to her partner, because in this project she was clearly the scene stealer anyway. After a few minutes of her pleading and crying and us telling her we weren't deleting the pictures, she ran inside in a fuss and we continued on our way down the street.

Of course, we also had to look at the Gimp's filmography, and it was largely unimpressive. What kind of director forgets to use flash? The pictures came out too dark to clearly establish that a heinous crime of a public display of way too much affection was occurring right in the middle of that alley. Unbeknownst to that bitch, who probably still scours the Internet for her famous stills, she actually got her wish and we had to delete the pictures.

We'll be more prepared next time.

As I already alluded to, MTV decided to put out the umpteenth fucking Top 10 Hip Hop Albums, because they're special or something.

So they managed to throw together a committee of marginal individuals to put out a list. What a horrible job they did. If you go to that site, you'll see for example that one person put Get Rich Or Die Tryin on their Top 10. Someone put 2pacalypse Now at #2 and All Eyez at #6: I couldn't verify whether or not that was one of the Outlawz or Afeni Shakur. Another interesting pick by someone was the "Above the Rim" soundtrack.

But here's the list they deliberated over and signed off on.

10: Public Enemy - It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back

Pick that one or Fear. The committee had a hard time deciding. I don't have a problem with this selection.

9: Makaveli - Makaveli: The Don Killuminati: The 7 Day Theory

I have a serious problem with this album being this low, partly because I'd put it at #1, but that's a dicussion for another time. The incredible part is reading what these people had to say about Pac and how this got on the list.

Originally, no Tupac album scored in the top 10, while two Biggie albums did. The team felt that even if that's how the original voting went, it couldn't stand by the list without Tupac being on it

Isn't that a great way to make a list of the best albums? But wait, it gets even better.

Rahman Dukes - I used to mess with Pac (so homo probably - ed.) like right up until "Juice." And then he started flipping on everybody from New York and I was just like ...

Tone Boots: I feel the opposite — I didn't like him because he started dissing New York, but I didn't like the songs he made until he started getting with [Death Row].

OH MY GOD. Pac dissed New York! It's the end of the world! I guess if someone disses New York their music is inherently worse or something. Tone Boots goes on to call Me Against The World a "corny record." And this guy is on MTV's hip hop committee...

8: Ice Cube - Death Certificate

No argument with that, although I'd put it below Makaveli, obviously.

#7: NWA - Niggaz4Life

I'd have gone with Straight Outta Compton for an NWA entry.

#6 : Jay Z - Reasonable Doubt

That's the best entry at the best spot on this entire list. The only one they got just about perfect.

#5: Run DMC - Raising Hell

They put it on here because it was a "pioneering" album. I thought this was the best hip hop albums list. My mistake.

#4: Biggie - Ready 2 Die

Another one that's probably about right. Although the people who made the list acknowledge that Ready 2 Die is somewhat of an acquired taste (no homo). A lot of people I know won't let me put Ready 2 Die in when they're around (no homo again).

#3: Dr. Dre - The Chronic

I'd argue that this is more of a rap album than a hip hop album. But I'm the only one I know who thinks there's a critical difference between rap and hip hop I guess. I just don't see how this album is in any way comparable to Illmatic, in terms of anything. It's all about production, the content matter and lyricism, the actual hip hop aspect, couldn't be more different than Illmatic.

#2: Nas - Illmatic

One of the dumbfucks said that Illmatic was "Ok."

Hopefully he was then taken out back and shot on the spot.

#1: Eric B and Rakim - Paid In Full

I wouldn't put that over Illmatic, but at least it's not The Massacre.

So what would I change? I definitely wouldn't do what Fly did (no homo) and put a horrible DMX album on there, or put The Blueprint or Marshall Mathers LP in the Top 6.

Obviously 36 Chambers has to go on there somewhere. Albums were put in based on their impact and/or how good they were. And 36 Chambers covers both bases. I'd put Me Against The World on there somewhere too. And I would have gotten rid of all the New York dickriders on that committee, no homo.

People puts this list out every year, but I have multiple complaints with this list.

Drew Barrymore - Where in the hell did this pick come from? She's not in a Top 50 for Hollywood, blondes or drug addicts in my list.

Hilary Duff - I'd put her in the Top 50 "tenders" list. But she's not a Top 50.

Scarlett Johansson - Uh. No.

Lindsay Lohan - Until Lohan's skankiness became mainstream, I didn't know it was possible for a girl to look so busted before the age of 20.

Elizabeth Smart, Utah teen - If you're wondering who the fuck this is (like I was), it's the bitch from Utah that Fly some crazy dude abducted. Why is she in the Top 50? Pity?

Eva Longoria Mendes, Hitch - Major oversight. And I don't want to hear anything from Fly about this one either, no homo.

Oprah Winfrey - Whatever you say.

This was the shittiest list I saw since the MTV Top 10 hip hop albums.

Mifflin Street Pornography, Part 1
About 30 years ago, some loser hippies in Madison decided to congregate on Mifflin St. to hold a drug induced protest over the Vietnam War. Since their little protest, more sane college students took their venue and decided to turn their little tradition into an intoxication block party.

Fast forward to the present, and Madison's Mifflin Street Block Party is an annually renowned and popular drunk fest for thousands of people across Wisconsin, held on the first Saturday of May. It's so established that the Dean of Students doesn't just acknowledge it, he implores people not to overconsume "alcohol or other drugs" during the party. This year, since the first Saturday comes so late, students actually lobbied to have the block party moved to April 30. Police and the Madison Mayor met and discussed it and actually rescheduled it for the 30th.

Put simply, the Mifflin Street Block Party consists of a bunch of houses with balconies and bands and barrels accumulated in the frontyards and backyards. Every house buys multiple barrels and color coordinate their cups. Cops stand on street corners, making sure everything is controlled chaos.

With a setting like that, it's probably not surprising that Mifflin allows for some absolutely ridiculous antics. And thus this story is just Part 1 of a 2 Part series dealing with Mifflin Street Block Parties.

Main Players


Worst Pizza Hut Customer Ever, Minus the Ogre (of course)


The Gimp


J.W. Stands For Just Watchin.

During our sophomore year, before any of us were 21, the three of us decided to go up to the Block Party because, believe it or not, it beat anything else we could accomplish on a Saturday in the middle of nowhere. Since the thing runs all afternoon, we got up there by the morning.

The only thing we did more than drink during the afternoon was find a way to get booted out of different houses. Somewhere the Gimp stole a football and we kept ourselves somewhat preoccupied throwing it around, until it landed on a roof. At that point I went up onto some random house's balcony only to find that those other two morons had somehow found their way onto the roof next door to get the ball. Instead of coming down, I decided to start dumping beer and water onto people below me. At Mifflin, however, getting expelled from 2 places leaves plenty of other options.

We went through a number of different houses, and at one of them Mad Dog ran into a group of people he went to high school with. Apparently he saw a few potential girls that he wouldn't mind "getting to know a bit better" so at this point he followed them as they were heading away from Mifflin toward the campus's Union Center. Meanwhile the Gimp and I were expelled from yet another house after they found out we were spitting on their windows.

Technically, the Mifflin Street Block Party ends in the late afternoon. Most people go back to their houses and continue to get wasted there. The houses on Mifflin move their operations indoors. For those of us who aren't going back anywhere at that point, options are limited. But somehow, as it was getting dark, the Gimp found his way inside one of the Mifflin houses which was still running multiple kegs on all levels of the house.

It was dark in the house and I actually lost sight of the Gimp on the main floor so I headed downstairs and filled my cup up. About a dozen guys and girls were in the basement as well. Soonafter the Gimp came down the stairs. He had been on the phone with Mad Dog, who had walked miles to the Union Center only to decide to come back to Mifflin St. Since Mad Dog had no idea where the hell he was or how to get anywhere, he walked up to a Pizza Hut deliveryman whose car was parked nearby and asked for directions. When he was clearly too intoxicated to make sense, the deliveryman was nice enough to let Mad Dog hitch a ride, and this guy drove him to Mifflin St. where he would eventually catch up with us.

But while he was on the road, he missed one of the weirdest sights of all time. Seemingly immediately after Gimp had come down the stairs, a skanky looking blonde was standing right in the middle of the room sticking one hand down her pants. When a guy asked her what the fuck she was doing, she said something to the effect of she was feeling for something. The guy then stuck his hand down her pants.

Obviously every guy downstairs turned their attention away from the keg momentarily to watch this. And before you could say "fingering," there was literally a line of guys in front of this bitch, and every single fucking one of them got to stick his hand down her pants and experience her pink "firsthand."

I don't completely remember, but I think the Gimp got his turn in the line. The bitch then looked at me as if I hadn't properly completed the fucking train and I said something like I'm just watchin, I ain't touchin. I hadn't taken enough health classes to know whether or not my hands could contract VD.

Mad Dog caught up with us 15 minutes later, and to his chagrin he had missed some pretty ridiculous antics. Nothing unusual would happen for the rest of that night, but Mad Dog, like the rest of us, would at least be a witness to Part 2 of this series.