Bloggystyle -- The Greatest

So the draft finally went down after all the hoopla and hysteria last night, and it proved to be just as surprising as predicted. I've since recovered from my embarassment of calling Billups vs. Parker a wash, and built up my ego by pointing out that I correctly predicted 14 of the 15 series and the Spurs still won with Chauncey playing badly in Game 7.

Anyway, here are my rants and raves about the draft.

Bucks take Bogut

Despite the great white stiff label, Bogut ended up being the consensus choice, especially after Marvin Williams had to take 2 breaks during a 45 minute session in Milwaukee last week. Bogut's workouts went better than Marvin's, and so this choice had to be made.

The semi-retarded ESPN Insider, Chad Ford, passes off Marvin Williams as the best player in the draft like it was a fact, even though Marvin played backup to 3 of the next 12 individuals drafted last year, and even though Marvin is only 18 and clearly a project who will take years to develop. What a dunce.

The Point Guards

So there was a run on point guards, with Deron Williams even surpassing Paul with the Jazz taking him 3rd. Both will be good, although ESPN's comparison of Paul's college numbers to Baron Davis's in an effort to make him look like a better 1 than Davis for New Orleans was the dumbest damn thing I saw all night.

Felton at 5 for Charlotte was the first horrible pick of the night, seeing as how Felton probably could be had by Charlotte at 13. I guess taking local products (they also grabbed May) was more important than building a winner.

Worst Pick of the Night

The Raptors taking Charlie Villenueva at #7, when he was slated for the mid lottery. And even the mid lottery was too high for this dreg. Villenueva is the same dipshit that considered skipping college and half-assed his workouts so badly that scouts actually walked out of the gym in the middle of them. He then ran his mouth after signing with UConn and let Gordon and Okafor do all the work.

Villenueva is going to be a bust. A Tractor Traylor type bust, and I should know.

Upside

The worst part about the NBA draft is that there are usually only a handful of players who make an impact on the league each year. Even in the vaunted 2003 draft or the 1996 draft, probably the 2 best drafts in the last 15 years, only about 1/4 of the players drafted become regular rotation players.

But here is just an excerpt of what this draft class would provide if the analysts were correct.

Jason Maxiel/a mini-Ben Wallace
Martynas Andriuskevicius/once considered a top five pick.
Ike Diogu/Elton Brand
Koroley/a Toni Kukoc type
Ilyasova/could be a Andrei Kirilenko type of forward
Louis Williams/an Iverson knockoff.
Martell Webster/a Glen Rice-type player

2 of those players were lottery picks, and yet all of them sound like they should have been a top pick. And of course, most of the above players will never amount to anything in the NBA.

It's definitely time for free agency.

We've worked at the Greek Festival for about 10 years, viewing hundreds of thousands of people each time. As you can imagine, when you're seeing that many people, there are plenty of outliers to point out, mock, scorn or laugh over. In fact, we'd come across so many that my friends and I would create them in NBA Live and could fill 4 teams with all made players. No Homo Juelz Santana, but retards, hippies and miscreants of all shapes and sizes have always made for good viewing.

Still, it's the celebrity sightings that are the most interesting. One year it was the George W. Bush look-a-like, the next it was the Governor campaigning.

But nothing ever compared to the Summer of 2003, when Tupac Shakur and a weed carrier came up and ordered a Shishkabob from our "Fight Club Friend," 1%. Even more amazingly, throngs of people were not rushing him or even recognizing his presence. I guess that's what almost 7 years of faking one's death was for.

Anyway, Nasty Naus and I were intent on making absolutely sure that we had documented proof of Pac's appearance. As we took the first picture, which we didn't think was going to turn out, Pac, his instincts heightened (major no homo), made a mad dash away from the Tent, as if he had just beaten the shit out of a Crip in the lobby of the MGM Hotel.

But, No Homo Juelz Santana, Pac wasn't thinking all that clearly probably due to taking lead to the dome in 94. Because Pac had only gotten about 30 yards away when the tantalizing smell of loukamades (honey puffs) drew his attention and forced him into line. Like a bunch of crazed paparazzi, Nasty Naus and I ran toward the general vicinity and, to further document our proof, took a side profile shot of Pac (major no homo).

Upon viewing the pictures, both of which turned out better than we expected, we realized we were sitting on a potential gold mine. But instead of selling out and making thousands off Pac's resurrection, we have decided to make these pictures part of the public domain so all of his fans and detractors can see for themselves.

And so, Bloggystyle presents to you: Tupac Shakur alive and well (and eating a ton of Greek Food) in July, 2003.


Pac, Weed Carrier, and some Greek tard (Greetard) who is not 1%

So this new movie called the Fantastic Four is coming out, and it's gotten its fair share of hype and all. And I understand that my declaration that this movie could be the worst movie ever may seem presumptuous because I haven't seen it, and it's still a week away.

But I can provide a pretty good case with a few pictures.






The movie makes this woman play an Invisible character.

I rest my case.

Generally I go to see movies in the theaters about as often as renowned film critic Gene Siskel.

But I set some sort of personal record because I've seen 2 movies in theaters in like a 7 day period. Granted there were extenuating circumstances in each case.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith

I saw this one mostly because I didn't have to pay a cent to see it, and I wasn't doing anything else. If the clique's not around and the only professional sporting event on television includes the Milwaukee Brewers, it's the "Pitts," bad pun very much intended.

Anyway, I hadn't heard anything about this movie except for the previews, but the plot was quite predictable. The dialogue was witty enough to keep me from falling asleep, and the action scenes were average enough.

The movie is 2 hours long or so, which was a good 20 minutes too much. No Homo Juelz Santana, the movie had way too little Vince Vaughn, and it would have had a whole lot more potential if we had restricted access so that mommy and daddy would have had to accompany 16 year olds.


Anyway the movie's going about as well as I expected until the last 15 minutes, which is the most outlandish, unbelievable sequence I think I have ever seen, even for an action movie.

Batman Begins


I've never been a fan of comics, or any of the well known superheroes. Not only that, but the Batman TV show was far and away the most overtly teh ghey television program of all time. God only knows what was going on in the Batmobile. And we know where the Ambiguously Gay Duo came from. No homo to this entire paragraph, if not this whole review.

Anyway I can't keep track of all the Batman movies, and I'm not even sure what the motivation was for making this movie. Since it's called Batman Begins, it starts with the origins of Bruce Wayne (what a gay name, nh) becoming Batman.

Maybe I'm not the best judge of a Batman film. It's not that I didn't like it, because it was pretty good. But it certainly was not the 83rd best movie of all time, as it currently rates on IMDB.

The acting was acceptable for this type of movie. The action scenes and cinematics were good, the plot was decent. The love interest angle was pretty much discombobulated, though that might have something to do with the fact that this film was clearly setting up a sequel.

The problem with rating this an 8.4 out of 10 (like 25,000 people on IMDB) is that this movie was basically the same as the first Spiderman. In fact, if anyone can point out any differences, I'd be interested to see them. At least this movie didn't have Kirsten Dunce or Tobey Maguire (an even gayer name than Bruce Wayne), not that Katie Holmes or the Michael Keaton wannabe are all that special.

This movie is important in that it probably signals the end of normalcy for Ms. Holmes. Joey from Dawson's Creek was her usual self in this shit, and this is probably the last chance to see her as a normal human being before the Scientology takes hold.

I understand professional sports is a business and means more to some people than just a game, but things are getting ridiculous.




^ No Homo.

It's become more and more clear over the past few seasons of Real World that the producers are simply throwing together the biggest collection of misfits and social pariahs possible, adding alcohol and then watching them do the stupidest fucking thing. Then the Real World aims to go even more over the top the next season.

Up until now, I thought this was some pretty stupid shit. But it appears as though they finally mixed all the proper elements together, and if the first two episodes were any indication, this season could get hectic.

The Cast

They've got the standard set of characters, minus a peter-puffer on the guy's side (major no homo). The token black guy, the Midwestern hick and some pussy ass fool from Massachussets with a ridiculous accent. For once, every guy in the house likes to chase skirt, thank god. The black guy seems normal, the Midwestern hick knows how to do nothing but drink and be obnoxious, and the Massachussets guy...well more about him in a bit.

As always, the Real World found 4 of the biggest bitches possible to put in the house: 2 hotties (one of which hails from Wisconsin), a weirdo and a girl so average in every way that her nickname could be 5.0. While the 2 hotties do nothing but tease everyone, the weirdo, basically Kelly Osbourne without the name recognition, is off in her netherworld. Meanwhile, the average girl was a nurse in Iraq, and based on the trailers will probably let us know about her tour of duty more than John Goodman's characater in the Big Lebowski. I do have my doubts however; nothing about her expansive waistline suggests she was on the MRE plan to me.

So anyway, if the blueprint sounds like a hallmark for the normal Real World behavior, the first two episodes pretty much destroy the myth.

Most Predictable Event

Everything starts out predictably. First everyone arrives, gets annihilated and jumps in a hot tub. The next day, when they all have to be sober, the minorities congregate during the sobriety period. Then at night of course, the roomates all get hammered, the white guys and girls get rowdier, the Peruvian bitch's inability to speak English becomes apparent, the black guy gets outcast, and mayhem ensues. In fact, it was more predictable than normal, with all the white people and Peruvians eventually getting into trouble, and then blaming everything on the token black guy.

Most Unpredictable Event

But somewhere along the way, between all the drama with drunk chickens, the inner rage of a misunderstood black man, and the obnoxious antics of white guys with too much testosterone (nhjic), something incredible occurred. And if you didn't catch the episode, it's certainly worth your time.

Because once the drunk cast, minus the protection of the token black guy, go drunkenly wandering into the streets, they get in a shouting match with a bunch of people that then escalates into a brawl in the middle of a street. And at that point, no homo Juelz Santana, while the hick's anal virginity is being taken from him by a bunch of dudes, another guy takes the teh ghey Massachussets kid, puts him down on his knees and then punches the everloving shit out of his face, breaking a bone beneath the eye that's gonna require surgery.

So we've learned two very important things: Being from Massachussets and having an accent doesn't make you C.T., and as H-Town sensation Mike Jones would have said, "Don't Mess With Texas."

Among major league sports right now, we have FreeDarko.com specializing in the NBA. Then there is the whole Team Homers Fitz covering the MLB (sorta).

And while I discuss those sports once in awhile, the simple fact remains that nobody in the Mindset Army covers tennis.

I have deemed myself qualified after my French Open predictions, where I correctly guessed 2 semifinalists (with another one of mine in the quarters), and I correctly guessed that Nadal would beat Federer and his Finals opponent in 4 sets. And the French is the most unpredictable of them all.

So I'll try to recapture that magic (nhjic) with Wimbledon, which starts today.

Final 16

Federer vs. Robredo
Johannson vs. Davydenko
Hewitt vs. Puerta
Ancic vs. Safin
Haas vs. Novak
Nalbandian vs. Nadal
Henman vs. Grosjean
Ljubicic vs. Roddick

Final 8

Federer vs. Davydenko
Hewitt vs. Ancic
Haas vs. Nalbandian
Grosjean vs. Roddick

Final 4

Federer vs. Hewitt
Nalbandian vs. Roddick

Federer wins in straights, Roddick wins in 4. Then Federer beats Roddick in 4.

As usual, nobody gives a shit about how the bitches do, but that hog Lindsay Davenport will probably win.

And of course, no post about tennis would be complete without:









And since Kournikova's career achievement was reaching the Semis of Wimbledon, here's a pictorial shoutout to her too.






Thanks for the memories Anna

I crossposted this entry at DJX's site, where I'm guest blogging while he's on vacation.

Bol recently did a least gully rappers entry, and I thought it was necessary to put in my 2 cents.

Bol picked FatherMC, Pete Rock, Sticky Fingaz, Prodigy and Cassidy. Some amendments are in order.



Of Father MC, Bol said "More or less forgotten today, Father MC was actually pretty big back in the early, early '90s. He had a string of successful singles...he was already pretty much gone from the scene by 1993."

No Homo Juelz Santana, but given that description, I think a less gully rapper fits the profile.



As for Pete Rock, since he's clearly more renowned for his production, I'll substitute another producer who thinks he can rap in Pete's stead.



It's definitely impossible to argue against P, although I think Havoc The Dwarf should be added. Even if we combine those two, we still have one very ungully creation. I'll put Havoc in Sticky's place (nhjic).



No Homo Juelz Santana, but I have to admit that until the recent charges against him, I was pretty sure that Mashonda could beat the everloving shit out of Cassidy. That guy definitely needed that "One Shyning Moment" to erase his ungully factor. Since I don't know if he's guilty or not, I think he should be disqualified until we're sure.

So who should take Cassidy's spot? Nelly is too obvious. Bol considered Pac but he's definitely disqualified for shooting cops.

What about The Gayme (nh)?

Consider his resume.

#1 - Before he was a popular rapper, The Gayme got served on Change of Heart by a bitch who of course dumped him.

#2 - The Gayme has/had a tongue ring. We all know what tongue rings are for.

By the way, The Gayme admitted that both of those points are true.

#3 -

Not only did The Gayme willingly accept a kiss from Fifty in public, but as we now know, that whole squashing the beef thing was bullshit from the start. So in otherwords, Gayme simply got kissed by Fifty for nothing.

And when Gayme's not telling G-Unit to suck his dick, major no homo, he's trying to beef with Carmelo Anthony. There are simply no limits to Gayme's ungulliness.

I think we have to include an individual who isn't a professional recording artist but put out music anyway. That's the easiest, least controversial decision of all time.



And one more, who pretty much defies proper description but is definitely necessary.


So I've nominated Gayme, Mobb Deep, Pharrell and Vanilla Ice. I'd be remiss not to include an Honorable Mention, so here it is.

Honorable Mention


Nothing about Twista is gully.

Take your pick.

No Homo Juelz Santana: Between him and Kanye, it's a true tossup.

In honor of our brave veterans, the Diplomats decided to drop a Memorial Day Mixtape. I'm sure we're all very aware of how patriotic Jimmy Jones, Killa Cam and Human Crack are.

Then again, this site and the people who visit it aren't exactly models of compassion (nhjic), and the truth is all I care about is whether or not this mixtape is any good. So on to the review.

Intro

Good thing Juelz lets us know that it's Dipset in the house. The bad news is that Jimmy Jones is the next Dip member dropping an album. Juelz and Cam have albums coming out "soon," which actually means "later."

Juelz - What The Game's Been Missin

The beat's bouncy. The track's all right, although it's weird to hear him talk about Cam's Purple Haze, which came out over half a year before Memorial Day.

Hell Rell, JR Writer, 40 Cal , Jim Jones, Juelz, Un Kasa - Harlem Symphony

Just about everyone jumps on this collaboration, which of course isn't a good thing. Whether it's 40 Cal and Jim Jones being terrible, Hell Rell taking 22 2s lines, or Un Kasa being anywhere near a microphone, this track was clearly destined to fail.

Juelz - Santana's Town Part 2

The first Santana's Town was one of the only bright spots on Juelz's debut album, featuring one of the tightest Dipset beats of them all. Unfortunately, this track is only a preview of the whole song, which is coming on Juelz's next album. The 30 seconds that we hear sounds good, but not as good as Part 1.

Juelz - The Edge

The beat samples a track that is escaping my head for some reason. It's upbeat, but Santana doesn't really speed up the flow enough to keep up with it though.

Hell Rell - Back In The Building

Heatmakerz produced this beat, and while it's nice it's nothing spectacular by Heatmakerz standards. The beat reminds me of Crunk Muzic.

As for Hell Rell, I think he's the Bizarre of the Dipset. "This my dope from Africa straight from the motherland. Your girl can't suck a good dick but your mother can."

Jim Jones - Baby Girl

Based on this title, I immediately thought this had the potential to be the 34th entry to the Worst Songs Ever tournament. And that was before I found out the fucking track was almost 8 minutes long.

After a minute of Juelz talking more garbage about how Jim Jones's last album was "a beautiful fucking thing," major no homo, we get into the track.

No Homo Juelz Santana, Jim Jones is his typical terrible self. The beat is blah, and they got those reggae guys doing the hook. Whoever's doing the hook, they pronounce Dipset like "dipshit."

The track is 8 minutes long because of a 3 minute interlude at the end. Of course it's worthless, but by cutting off a Jim Jones special it served its purpose.

Cam'ron and Hell Rell - Get Em Daddy

Cam's intro is, "They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. That's why I look in the mirror everyday and see how fly I am."

This was supposed to be a sequel of sorts to the well known Get Em Girl. The beat for this track is definitely an improvement over Jimmy's last track. And while Cam sometimes drops lyrics so absurd they're humorous, in this case they're just corny.

And this might be Hell Rell's worst verse among all the mixtape joints he's on, which is saying something.

J.R. Writer - Freestyle

For some reason, Juelz is talking a whole bunch of shit as an intro for almost every fucking track. It's almost like he was designated the weed carrier for these proceedings.

I'm pretty sure this Writer track showed up on Writer's Block Volume 2, and I question my decision to review that the first time, let alone a second time.

J.R Writer, 40 Cal, Hell Rell - Best Out

It wouldn't shock me if this beat was used on one of the tracks from Writer's Block Volume 2. The beat's not that bad, but it's so similar to just about everything J.R. Writer shows up on. Hell Rell raps, "Deliver bullets to your door like they're Domino pies."

Then I did a quick look and found that yes indeed this track was already on Writer's Block Volume 2.

40 Cal - The T.V Real

40 Cal is lame. Period.

Juelz - See my Clip

Juelz taks the beat from the Ying Yang Whisper song and then whispers his verse while reenacting a stick up. The theme definitely works, and Juelz pulls it off well for the most part, except for the hook. I'm guessing this is the tightest track on here.

Juelz and Fabolous - So What's It Gonna Be

For the third time, Juelz talks about a whole bunch of tourist spots like Cancun and Puerto Rico, Jamaica and Yugoslavia. I'm not even kidding. According to Juelz, Yugoslavia is one of those "fun type of places." What the hell?

Yet again, the beat is a sample from a track that I can't name even though I should be able to. The track itself is probably Santana's worst one on here. Fabolous is his usual self, nhjic.

Hell Rell - Get Back

Every Hell Rell track has a similar beat. And Hell Rell tells broke people to get away from him because being broke's a disease. What a joke.

With that said, this is the fastest flow Hell Rell has probably ever dropped. As far as Hell Rell's concerned, this isn't bad.

Cam'ron, Juelz, 40 Cal, JR Writer - Bubble Music Remix

This is a remix to the popular Purple Haze track. 40 Cal is a poor man's Hell Rell, which is saying a lot. Writer flows slowly, which is his death knell (nhjic). This is one of those instances where Juelz is completely terrible. Cam sounds incoherent like usual.

The original track was more than enough apparently.

Jim Jones and Trey Songz - Summer Wit Miami

This is a Jim Jones love song...I think we know where this is headed.

And still you couldn't possibly understand how terrible this song is without hearing it. Seriously. I'm assuming this is going to be on Jim Jones's album as well. It's definitely shaping up to be the worst rap album of all time, no Aaron Carter.

Juelz and Paul Wall - We Don't Give a Fuck

How many goddam mixtapes does this track have to appear on before it's retired?

Cam'ron and Juelz - Get Down

I think this is one of the worst beats on the entire mixtape. So Murphy's Law of course determined that Cam'ron would drop his least obnoxious best verse of the mixtape on it, as if that means anything. I can't even figure out what Juelz was trying to accomplish with that hook or the final verse.

Juelz - He's The One Your Thinking Of

Since this is the last track, Juelz shouts out all the Dipset peeps and homies and he professes his love to them all, major no homo. Juelz tells us that he directed his own Mic Check video and that "it was a beautiful fucking thing." No Homo Juelz Santana, but how many beautiful fucking things are there in the Dipset World?

The beat is a light, soul type thing. It's not a very good track in any sense.

All in all, some of the tracks are all right, and the best part about the Dipset is that you can immediately tell which tracks are complete garbage just based on who did them. So if you're looking for something that might be play worthy and not interested in reviews, that's a big help.

"The Bet"
Of all the mischief and mayhem that came with 5 years of college drinking, much of it forgotten due to drunk haze, only the simple phrase "the bet" could bring immediate recognition of a singular event for all of us. Those two words were an unmistakable reference to our most ridiculous story during college.

I was going to put this up earlier, but I decided not to post it so soon after stories of The Nugget, specifically his sexploits with a member of the AARP. As you'll see, there are some similarities, and admittedly The Nugget's Story is more ridiculous than this one. But this story is worth telling if only as a warning.

Main Players


Mad Dog, Minus Ogre. He could never fully pay me back for this one (nhjic)


G and Mad Dog.


Peanuts, Minus The Ogre


Wingman Savant

Role Players

In August 03, the 4 of us went up to Rhinelander, WI where G owned a cabin on a lake. We met a few other friends there, "JP" and "Feene." In the cabin next door lived a hot blond our age named Jenny, henceforth known as "Jenny From The Dock." "Jenny From The Dock" was notorious for webcamming herself for us months prior during the school year, and we all knew that she wanted to "catch rabies" from the Mad Dog so to speak. What we didn't know was that she was bringing a friend...

The Background

We planned for the weekend to be relatively straightforward, involving beer, brats, boats and, in the case of Mad Dog, a bitch. There was plenty of tubing and jetskis etc. to keep ourselves entertained (nhjic). We got up there on a Thursday night really late, drank a bit and went to bed not knowing that the next day, Friday, August 22, 2003, would be hellacious.

Friday was rolling along innocently enough until about 3 pm, when Mad Dog went over to visit "Jenny From The Dock." Staying with Jenny was a friend named Danielle, who just so happened to be her exact opposite. Whereas Jenny was a toned, long haired attractive blond, Danielle was a fat, short brown haired beast. After exchanging formalities with all of us on our dock for a few minutes, the girls went back to Jenny's, with the intention of coming back to drink with us later in the night.

The Bet

All of us went into the cabin to eat dinner around 5. While doing so, G told us that Danielle in years past would never leave him alone, and he talked about how much he hated her. It was so bad that G joked that he would give someone a barrell just to keep her away from him. While we thought that was humorous, the ante was upped until the bet evolved into fucking her. Mad Dog and Peanuts vowed to buy someone a barrell for that, and "JP" said he'd put forth 5 more, so it was up to 8 half barrells to do her. I refused to put in a barrell because Peanuts had recently broken up with the Ogre, and, no homo juelz santana, it's clear that almost no girl is really beneath his level. Despite the jokes, none of us really took the bet seriously.

After eating we continued drinking at a picnic table outside and started the bonfire. We played typical drinking games, and the two girls showed up drinking UV blue vodka.

By about 10 all of us were drunk and scattered across the property on the lawn or on the dock. An hour earlier, "JP," feeling the effects of the alcohol, threw in 3 more barrells, so the bet was now up to 11. Since I was on the verge of being annihilated, I was drunk enough to consider the bet but I was hoping Peanuts would take the bet, since those barrells would then be imbibed back at school by all of us.

Eventually I was sitting at the picnic table with Jenny and Mad Dog, who had grown more flirtatious. The fact that these two were inevitably getting ready apparently annoyed Danielle, who had become even more obnoxious than a typical fat bitch as the night progressed. Anyway, Jenny started giving Mad Dog a backrub, which prompted Danielle to do the same...to me without even asking me if I wanted one. She immediately asked me why I was so tense; it wasn't really any wonder to anyone but her.

At this point I realized I could take the bet, but I was still hoping for Peanuts to do it, nh. Peanuts then broke the bad news: he wasn't going for the bet.

The Conundrum

So at about 11 pm, I faced the following situation. Mad Dog was trying to get with Jenny From The Dock but faced an inevitable cockblock from her friend who was staying at her house. Meanwhile, 11 half barrells had been offered simply for fucking a girl, which at least wouldn't have to be time costly with this bitch. And Peanuts, who had wavered on taking the bet, had decided not to, while it was becoming clear that I had the opportunity to take it.

Thus I decided to become the most selfless, considerate individual in history for my friends. A little before midnight, I informed them that I was going to take the bet. Since this bitch was a virgin (of course), the guys anticipated that even she might be hesitant to lose it, despite the obvious fact that it was probably the only opportunity in her life to do so. The point is, if I went through with foreplay and didn't get to home plate, I would lose the bet. I immediately downed more alcohol in the hopes I wouldn't remember my actions.

Since I was sacrificing myself for the team, I made damn sure that these guys recognized it. Eventually I took the bitch over to an air matress and fingered her, within sight of everyone sitting at the picnic table 20-30 yards away. That of course got everyone to run inside, and after that she went inside and played cards, while I stood behind her, flashing 11 fingers at Mad Dog and JP and repeating "11 Barrells." JP was completely stunned as he considered the damage about to be done to his checkbook.

At about 12:30, the moment of truth came: I walked into one of the bedrooms with her and closed the door and shut off the lights. Immediately, I encountered a problem: she said she didn't want to fuck, insisting that I was trying to sleep with her, and she refused to believe my canard about being a virgin as well. On more than one occasion she actually asked me why I was messing around with her, and I obviously didn't give her the straight answer, opting for the silent treatment.

After 30 minutes that seemed like an eternity, she agreed to go the distance. Incredibly, due to being completely hammered, it was only then that I realized I had forgotten about the necessity of a condom as proof of winning the bet. I didn't know and didn't ask Mad Dog where he had put them since I didn't think I'd ever have to know this weekend. I figured my previous actions and words would be enough proof so I stopped "prematurely" and determined that I had just won the bet.

I immediately told the bitch to get the fuck out, and with her leaving in the morning I figured I'd never have to see her again. She put on her shirt and pants and went flying out of the cabin. At least, that's what we thought.

I came out after she had left and the house was in an uproar. As it turned out, Mad Dog had gone to Jenny's after I commenced Wingmanning. It turns out that I had been a worthy wingman: I had given him more than enough time for Round 1 and he was in the process of Round 2. Danielle, upon leaving our cabin, immediately ran over to Jenny's and told Mad Dog to get out. Mad Dog started laughing out loud at her: it turned out that she had put her pants on inside out and was wearing Feene's shirt (which couldn't possibly have fit her), since he had stayed in that room the night before. Mad Dog then went to the can before realizing he had forgotten his watch.

Part of the bet was that there had to be certifiable evidence that the bet was won. Without a condom, I didn't have the evidence. It's likely that this wouldn't have mattered, but after he left Jenny's room, Mad Dog listened outside the door to the two bitches talk for a bit. Danielle said to Jenny, "Everybody told me it'd happen sometime. Well tonight was that sometime." Of course, Mad Dog came running back to the cabin laughing his ass off with the certifiable evidence that I had won the bet and thus 11 half barrells, worth approximately 750 dollars. For 30-45 minutes of work, this was quite a payday.

The rest of the weekend of course consisted of non stop jokes, the best of which was when Peanuts asked me if the bed still had legs on it. I immediately replied, "If the bed had legs, it would have run."

The Aftermath

Everyone involved honored the bet. JP still owes 3 barrells worth.

For fear of a fatass retaliation, the girls have never been told about the bet.

We still go up to G's Cabin at least once per summer. We now restrict ourselves to beer, brats and boats.

Unfortunately, the girls do stop by everytime to say hello, making the scene the most awkward 1 minute of all time for everyone involved. Thankfully nobody has taken Danielle's picture so for the sake of my sanity my brain obscures images of her quickly.

No Homo Juelz Santana, but recently members of the Mindset Army have really gotten into the useless old people should die state of mind.

Now I have no problem with Darwinism forcing old bags to cast their lots 6 feet under, but since I'm a relatively affluent white male, I don't really care how much oxygen and other necessities are being consumed by the old bags either. Frankly, as long as they leave me alone, I don't care what they do.

But if I'm forced to deal with one I don't like, then it's a different story. So instead of rooting for random old bags to die, I'm simply going to root for one.



Hubert Jude Brown, who we all unaffectionately know as Hubie, knows a lot about basketball and was a decent NBA coach. He somehow got the Grizzlies winning, and apparently he can even get the other J. Dub to play the point and tone down the theatrics. I had no problem when he was coaching; if a 70 year old guy can get the ballers to pay attention, that's even more impressive.

But despite all that goddam basketball knowledge, Hubert Jude Brown doesn't have a fucking clue how to articulate it, which makes it all the more amazing that he's been employed as an announcer and analyst at TNT and most recently ABC. Typically, nobody wants to listen to a normal, arthritic old man in the first place, which makes Hubie's role as "color" analyst even more dumbfounding. Bill Simmons mocks Brown in just about every column about the NBA, bringing back all those agonizing analyses during the NBA draft about potential and upside.

Unfortunately, the NBA Finals are exclusively on ABC. No Homo Juelz Santana, but instead of getting Steve Kerr or Tom Tolbert or Bill Walton, we are instead forced to listen to Al Michaels and Hubie Brown.

Michaels has been one of the best play by play announcers for years, and he's ok with basketball, but where do I start with Hubie, major no homo?

#1: During one timeout while Hubert gathered up all his assistants, before talking to White Chocolate et al, Hubert fainted and had to be caught by one of the assistants. Actually, no homo juelz santana, that even happened this season during a Duke game to "Coach Gay", but since he's not a boring color analyst, we won't wish death upon him just yet. A few more games and 100 more views of his goddam credit card commercial could change my mind though. Anyway, Hubie's color analysis is the most obnoxious and so boring it makes you want to emulate his fainting spell.

#2: Hubie is (obviously) way too fucking old for the job. When Kid Rock or Marshall are shown courtside, Hubie clearly doesn't know who they are. Maybe in Hubert's heyday it'd be Frankie Blue Eyes and Where Have You Gone Joe Dimaggio, but those fuckers are already pushing daisies. When Anita Baker's enormous fatass is shown on my screen, I want someone who can identify the whale to me.

#3: Hubie's laugh. If you watched Game 3, you know what I'm talking about. If you didn't, be glad and try to forget I mentioned it.

#4: Inevitably during the games, there will be a few times where the camera will be focused on the analysts instead of skank cheerleaders. Guess what we see on that occasion?


The only thing worse than listening to him is looking at him.

I could go on, but I'm sure you all get the point by now. I guess we don't necessarily need Hubert Jude Brown to actually add "the late" to the beginning of his name, but if he could be incapacitated somehow (nhjic) for the next 2 weeks, I will be infinitely more happy.


Talk to him more and talk to us less.

Apparently I'm going into the wrong type of career, because apparently people get money to do worthless research like this:

"Older people with better social networks with friends were less likely to die over a 10-year follow-up period than older people with poorer friends networks," Lynne C. Giles of Flinders University in Adelaide, Australia, told Reuters Health.

But in what may come as a surprising finding to older people who rely on their children and other relatives, having a large network of relatives was not associated with longer life, Giles and her colleagues report in the July issue of the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health.

Giles and her team are not sure why friends seemed to help people live longer. They speculate that friends may influence people to engage in more healthy behavior, such as not smoking or not drinking too much. Another possibility, according to the researchers, is that friends may help boost people's self-esteem.

"The list of answers to this question is potentially long and complex," according to Dr. Carlos F. Mendes de Leon, of Rush University Medical Center in Chicago, who is the author of an editorial that accompanies the study.

It amazes me that not only can people get paid for this bullshit, but that these people don't commit suicide for being a general waste of life.

In the annals of Punk'd history, Kutcher and his gang of pranksters have pulled ruses that made Justin Timberlake cry, Jessica Alba gawk and exposed Kanye West as the arrogant bitch that he is.

And judging by the accompanying mugshot, I'm sure Kutcher and MTV never thought Lil Jon would be a formidable adversary; if anyone could be Punk'd, it should be that crazy motherfucker (nh). But the tables were turned as Lil Jon proved to be unpunkable.

The prank, which reportedly took Kutcher and MTV many months and much moolah to plan, centered on customs agents telling a Las Vegas-bound Lil John that he and his peeps were actually on their way to Ecuador.

But the celebrity humiliation and confusion that accompanies most "Punk'd" pranks failed to materialize as the hip-hopper quickly sussed out the situation, reportedly after identifying a few of the ersatz security guards.

The paper says he then called out Kutcher from the rear of the jet, taunting him, "Come on, you can't punk the motherfucking King of Crunk."

*YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAYYYYAAAAAA* You can't punk the motherfucking King of Crunk, and you want to know why?

Because behind all that Crunk Juice and behind 700 pounds of Eastside Boyz, all you really have is a geek playing a facade of a role and screaming loudly.

The real reason you can't punk Lil Jon is because the real Lil Jon is this:

Jacko may have been declared innocent of child molestation, despite the "Jesus Juice," but he's still guilty of being the weirdest motherfucker on the planet.

The Pistons are in trouble.

But all of us who have functioning eyes should definitely be hoping that the series makes it back down to San Antonio. Otherwise we might be relegated to portions of Desperate Housewives on mute.

So DJX, in addition to "letting those motherfuckers know," recently made a post about how much music is on his computer and what the hell he's currently listening to. No homo Juelz Santana, at the end of the post, he "passed" it off to some others, me included.

Apparently this is some sort of chain entry that's getting passed around more than Natalee Holloway. And since we've been so focused on the Worst Songs Ever, I think it's only fair over at Bloggystyle that we acknowledge some of our favorite tracks as well, nhjic.

Total volume of music files on the computer:

JDub - 5 gigs on the current one, but I changed computers in the middle of college. Combined they probably equal closer to 15 gigs.

Nasty Naus - Between two computers, about 7 gigs.

Last CD I bought was:

JDub - The first Rage Against The Machine CD, the self titled one, 2 years ago.

Nasty Naus - Can't even remember.

JDub - I bet the last CD Nasty Naus bought was Kraftwerk. Regardless, at least he's not Dat Wigga Stevo, who copped Big Willystyle (major no homo) from someone or somewhere a few years ago.

Song Playing Right Now:

JDub - I've got a standard playlist of about 300 songs. The one playing right at this second is Talib Kweli - Lonely People.

Nasty Naus - Hyphy by The Federation and E-40.

Five songs I listen to a lot these days:

JDub - No Homo Juelz Santana, but I've listened to Mic Check and Not Fuckin With Dipset by Juelz quite a bit lately. Don't Make Enemies With Me (Original) by Pac. Slaves on Dope - Inches From The Mainline. Fear Factory - Hunter-Killer. And of course, no homo juelz santana, Mike Jones - Dick Don't Fail Me Now. Just kidding.

Nasty Naus - Hyphy, Oh Boy, Ridin Spinnaz, Sublime - summertime and fabolous - throwback.

JDub - You're serious?

Nasty Naus - Yes.

I'm probably supposed to "pass this off" to someone else (nh again) or I'm probably going to be afflicted with bad luck. But after the previous post, I think karma's already working against me in sufficient strength already.

DJX recently came up with the term DAWG, which stood for "Dumb Ass White Girl."

While DJX was telling us all his DAWG stories from up here in the North, everyone knows that the South's entire white population all but consists of DAWGs (Guys and Girls). But sometimes the absolute stupidity of these Southern DAWGs still stupifies me.

Witness the episode involving Natalee (only Southern dumbshits would spell that name like that) Holloway. She recently graduated from high school with honors, as if that's an accomplishment in Alabama, and she was awarded with a vacation to Aruba. Being 18, Holloway and her other DAWG friends proceeded to get drunk probably every night they were there, in addition to meeting some foreign strangers.

Normal people would probably throw up some red flags when invited to get in a van with a bunch of foreigners, but not this drunk Southern DAWG. And that, of course, was the last time anyone's seen Holloway. Now, thanks to her stupidity, sensible Americans like you and me can't even get important news from our media outlets without being bombarded with Holloway's story.


"Aruba, Jamaica...ooo I wanna rape ya."

And of course, there's no mistaking where Ms. Holloway got her DAWGness.

Holloway's family believes she is alive, Tom Twitty said.

Now that the voting on the first 4 matchups is finished, the "winners" of these next 4 matchups will round out the top half of the Worst Song Ever Tournament.

Chingy - Right Thurrvs. Smiff-N-Wesson aka Cocoa Bruvaz - Super Brooklyn

JDub: Super Brooklyn is likely a track that most people have not heard, and I don't want to divulge important track details for anybody who hasn't. But it definitely gets my vote.

Nasty Naus: I originally commented that Super Brooklyn was the worst rap song ever when JDub and I were deliberating. I'm not backin away from that choice now.

DJ Xplicit: Although that Coca Brovaz track has the worst hook possibly ever, I'm pickin Right Thurr. You would think that paired up with someone with no talent, a fake accent, and an annoying voice, that there would be something better than whatever the fuck that Right Thurr beat is.

Nelly and Tim McGraw - Over and Overvs. Jefferson Starship - We Built This City

JDub: Almost impossible to pick. I'm going with We Built This City because the track is not only terrible, but it's completely incomprehensible; none of the bullshit they yap about had a fucking thing to do with rock and roll?

Nasty Naus: Over and Over was the most overplayed song on the radio since the Nelly and Kelly track.

DJ Xplicit: Over and Over's probably some gay love song between a terrible rapper and a terrible country singer (nh). I know that "terrible country singer" is redundant, but still.

Choppa and Master P - Choppa Stylevs. Ashlee Simpson - LaLa

JDub: Choppa Style was a DJX selection that I wasn't sure about. But then it got matched up against La La and became a formality anyway. LaLa's definitely got a chance to go deep in the tournament.

Nasty Naus: Maybe the only song that can compete against LaLa is the live version of it from the Orange Bowl, but the 72,000 boos at the end places that version ahead of this version.

DJ Xplicit: Choppa Style was one of the worst songs ever, but LaLa isnt even worthy of being called a song.

Aaron Carter - That's How I Beat Shaqvs. R. Kelly - Thoia Thoing

JDub: Generally, my rule in determining the worst song out of 2 is to choose the one that involved the Pied Piper. But yet again, it's clear that Aaron Carter is advancing this time.

Nasty Naus: As the nominator of That's How I Beat Shaq, I think it's worse.

DJ Xplicit: "That's How I Beat Shaq" is possibly the worst idea ever. Whoever thought making a song about basketball with AC rapping had to be using some fairly strong narcotics at the time. nhjic.

Apparently everything about the Gayme and 50's making up, except for the making out, was fake.

During Summer Jam, the New York tri-state area's biggest hip-hop concert of the year, the Game's frustrations boiled over while onstage in New Jersey's Giants Stadium, and he took several verbal shots at the G-Unit. The rapper also had people dressed up in a gorilla suit and a rat costume — representing 50's alleged snitching — both wearing G-Unit T-shirts and getting beaten in a mocking manner by Game's clique.

Although Gayme first tried to quell rumors by saying "I ain't fuckin with 5-0," he was unable to keep the charade up for long.

Game even yelled "F--- 50" while holding his son in his arms before performing "Dreams."

"I don't follow suit like f----t ass Yayo," Game roared. He later threatened to "knock out" Tony Yayo and Lloyd Banks.

"50 Cent can suck my dick. Tony Yayo can suck my dick. G-Unit can suck my dick."

So the NBA Finals (finally) start tonight, and everyone's put in their opinions pretty much.

I correctly predicted the winner of every series but the Sonics/Kings, half of them by the right number of games. But this is probably the toughest series to accurately predict, for a few reasons.

At this point I guess I'll break down each matchup.

Chauncey Billups vs. Mr. Longoria

Most people give the edge here to Billups. I think it's more of a wash than anything else. Billups, while being a Finals MVP, is generally regarded as a clutch player, but I think he's simply inconsistent. There's a reason he's been bounced around before finding Detroit: he's not particularly quick, he's a streaky shooter, he's not particularly effective as a ballhandler, penetrator (nh) or passer. The past few years Rip's actually averaged within 2-3 assists of Chauncey. And Chauncey might hit big shots in big games because his 8 TO performances like Game 3 are what get the Pistons in trouble.

Meanwhile, Mr. Longoria is regarded as a super fast penetrator (nh again) who can be knocked off his game if he gets pushed around. He's a streaky shooter and San Antonio's offense basically revolves around Duncan/Ginobili playmaking anyway. I'm calling this matchup a wash.

Rip vs. Bowen and Prince vs. Ginobili

This isn't really a matchup that can be analyzed, since Bowen is a forward matched up defensively on Rip, whereas Detroit will put Curious George Prince on Manu for the same reason. So I think these two should be factored in together, more than anything, and I'd give the Pistons a slight edge, since Prince can score when necessary.

Duncan and Nazr vs. The Wallaces

Duncan's gimped but has played well regardless. Nazr, as every NBA fan knows, was a total steal, basically swapped for Malik Rose. Ben Wallace almost cost the Pistons the series with his terrible play, but he's not stuck with Shaq in the paint anymore. And nobody knows which Sheed will show up when. For some reason the Pistons never force feed his post offense; it's no wonder they go on 6 minute droughts so frequently.

Since I don't know if Sheed will always guard Duncan, I put these together and give a slight edge to the Pistons.

Benches

San Antonio's clearly got the better bench. The Pistons bring in McDyess, who will have a much tougher series because San Antonio's bigs, unlike Shaq, will actually come out on picks and screens to guard his jumpers. Hunter is simply a horrible shooter, which happened right in the middle of the 2000-2001 season with the Bucks (and cost us the Eastern Conference Finals in the process). Once in awhile they'll bring Hunter in to foul harass Parker and Ginobili.

The Spurs have the indomitable Big Shot Bob Horry, Bones Barry, Beno Udrih and maybe even Big Dog. In addition to all that alliteration, the bench is actually serviceable on both ends of the floor. If Barry keeps hitting shots, the bench will be a nice factor.

Prediction

I gave the Pistons a sizable edge among the starting 5. The Spurs only advantage is a bench that has been inconsistent (and in flux) all season.

So why am I picking the Spurs in 6? A few tangibles:

The Pistons have a bad habit of waiting til their backs are against the wall before they start playing well. San Antonio has a mindnumbing lapse in every series as well, a weird habit itself. But their homecourt advantage will allow for this lapse. In otherwords, these inconsistencies should ensure that the Spurs will get the series back to San Antonio after the 3 middle games in Detroit. While I think Detroit will get one of the first two, I don't think there's any question that San Antonio will get it back in Detroit.

So here is my game by game prediction:

Game 1: San Antonio
Game 2: Detroit
Game 3: Detroit
Game 4: San Antonio
Game 5: San Antonio
Game 6: San Antonio

Thus, Game 2 is San Antonio's lapse, Detroit will play well when they're in trouble (Game 2), Detroit will lapse in Game 4, and since I believe San Antonio is a more complete team than anything Detroit has seen in months, they'll get the last 2, with a very close Game 6.

Although the Pistons won their series against the Heat, the fact that they barely survived against a team with two gimped stars and role players was enough to convince me that San Antonio can take their title.

ESPN is commemorating the 20th anniversary of the start of Iron Mike's boxing career. In that time, we've all basically watched Mike's life on TV, ranging from vicious rights and vicious bites to bitches, chickens and pigeons. There have been assaults, threats and jail, and, most important of all, his own classic Nintendo game. And has there ever been a bigger badass on the planet with a more homosexual voice? (nhjic)

No Homo Juelz Santana, for those interested, ESPN has a Tyson special going on this week because Tyson is preparing to beat the everloving shit out of some no name on Saturday. Apparently he's going to make one last effort for a run at the heavyweight title.

In a sport whose biggest name right now is "Winky," just maybe he has a chance.

As those who have been to this site are aware, Nasty Naus, DJX and I have fielded what we consider to be 32 of the worst songs ever, broken down across various genres.

Here's a recap of how we did it. Naus, DJX and I picked 5 of the worst rap songs by region, the worst songs not done by recording artists, the 5 worst R&B tracks, the 6 worst pop songs, the mandatory Mike Jones track, the 5 worst tracks by otherwise good artists, and the wildcard entries.

DJX, that Conoisseur of Horrible Music, seeded what he believed were the 4 worst songs in the field and I randomly drew the rest of the brackets. What resulted was the most competitive tournament I think I have ever seen. So instead of simply having the 5 regulars who come here daily vote on it, I believe the Worst Songs Ever Tournament is a project worthy of the entire Mindset Army.

And since DJX, a key contributor to this project (no homo), is guest posting over at BC Dot C, that is the best venue to open up the voting process to the entire Mindset Army so we can all determine the Worst Song Ever.

So the voting will be done there. For those of you weird enough to want to know what the final bracket looks like before voting on all of it begins, here it is. Bracketology gurus can feel free to speculate in the comments.

x britney spears - soda pop
x 3LW - Playas Gon Play

x Talib Kweli - A Game
x Aaron Carter - Aaron's Party

x jkwon, chingy, murphy lee - tipsy remix
x St. Lunatics - Batter Up

x B2K - Badaboom
x Bojo Bunton - African Pride


x chingy - right thurr
Smiff-N-Wesson - Super Cocoa Bruvaz

x nelly/tim mcgraw - over and over
x Jefferson Starship - We Built This City

x choppa with master p - choppa style
x Ashlee Simpson - LaLa

x Aaron Carter - That's How I Beat Shaq
x R. Kelly - Thoia Thoing


x Aaron Carter - My Internet Girl
x lil bow wow and omarion - let me hold you

x backstreet boys - "donde quieras yo ire"
x Destiny's Child - Soldier

x Snoop Dogg - Gin & Juice 2
x Diplomats - Dutty Clap

x Next - Wifey
x Lil Fip and E-40 - Way We Ball Remix


x Mike Jones - Dick Don't Fail Me Now
x lil romeo, 3lw, nick cannon - parents just dont understand

x Hi-C - Vacation
x 2Pac - Whatz Ya Phone #

x E-40 - Automatic
x Nastradamus - Nastradamus

x baby and puff daddy - do that thang
x Ja Rule - Mezmerize

The voting will be done 4 matchups at a time, so that you don't go deaf listening to too much horrible music all at once.

Update: The Mindset Army's Worst Song Ever Tournament has officially started with Round 1, Part 1 here.

After last round's selections of worst songs done by otherwise good artists, we had accumulated 22 of the most godforsaken tracks ever recorded.

But our burden was far from over. We had to brainstorm 10 more horrible tracks to get the tournament ready.

For such a momentous occasion, no homo juelz santana, I had to call upon DJX, truly a Conoisseur of Horrible Music.

djxplicit09:how did we leave lil romeo and lil bow wow out of this?
djxplicit09: no homo
J. Dub: Aaron's Party?
djxplicit09: yeah
djxplicit09: lil bow wow and omarion - let me hold you
J. Dub: never heard it. sure i don't want to
djxplicit09: lil romeo, 3lw, nick cannon - parents just dont understand
djxplicit09: covering the fresh prince
djxplicit09: same lyrics and shit
J. Dub: That would have been a serious oversight.
djxplicit09: Chingy - Right Thurr
J. Dub: I'm definitely not arguing that one.
djxplicit09: jkwon, chingy, murphy lee - tipsy remix
djxplicit09: baby and puff daddy - do that thang
J. Dub: oh my god, that is one horrible song
djxplicit09: choppa with master p - choppa style
J. Dub: is that worse than make em say unhh?
J. Dub: i forget the hook on this track
djxplicit09: im pretty sure that choppa song is worse
djxplicit09: vanilla ice - ninja rap
J. Dub: that feels like an equal opportunity forced selection to me.
J. Dub: wait, we should put the nelly/tim mcgraw track on just to have a country representative
J. Dub: I think Dipset - Dutty Clap should be on there
djxplicit09: ok
J. Dub: there was this video on Jams one day, i think the song was called Africa
djxplicit09: toto?
J. Dub: it was like an African pride track, and it started naming African countries in the hook
djxplicit09: buju banton - african pride?
J. Dub: Yeah, that's it. The video really accentuates the shittiness of the track. nhjic.

For those who couldn't keep track, here's the final list. A bracket will be constructed soon.

Mike Jones - Dick Don't Fail Me Now, britney spears - "soda pop" , backstreet boys - "donde quieras yo ire", Aaron Carter - My Internet Girl, Ashlee Simpson - LaLa, Ja Rule - Mezmerize, Hi-C - Vacation, Destiny's Child - Soldier, Next - Wifey, 3LW - Playas Gon Play, R. Kelly - Thoia Thoing, B2K - Badaboom, Aaron Carter - That's How I Beat Shaq, Lil Fip and E-40 - Way We Ball Remix, E-40 - Automatic, St. Lunatics - Batter Up, Smiff-N-Wesson - Super Cocoa Bruvaz, Nastradamus - Nastradamus, 2Pac - Whatz Ya Phone #, Jefferson Starship - We Built This City, , Talib Kweli - A Game, Snoop Dogg - Gin & Juice 2, chingy - right thurr, lil romeo, 3lw, nick cannon - parents just dont understand, Aaron Carter - Aaron's Party, lil bow wow and omarion - let me hold you, jkwon, chingy, murphy lee - tipsy remix, baby and puff daddy - do that thang, choppa with master p - choppa style, nelly/tim mcgraw - Over and Over, Diplomats - Dutty Clap, buju banton - african pride

Any ideas?

A better question is probably why did somebody do a search engine query of that question and arrive here?

This is definitely the weirdest query referencing this site since those little girls (hopefully) arrived here by searching for the caliber of a certain African American Cleveland Cavs owner's whizzinator. Thanks again Naus.

An estranged great aunt of mine died at the tender age of 80 in April, which meant that I was forced to go to church completed my supplication to the Lord at her memorial today.

After the service, my family congregated with her son and his family. We engaged in the typical small talk that people who hate each other and never talk to each other engage in.

We already knew the bitch was loco (even before she went senile), but we were all still amazed to hear that her son had found in her CD collection, inbetween Joe Cocker and Frank Sinatra, 2Pac - Greatest Hits. It still had its packaging intact and everything.

Not realizing the value (let along the greatness) of this gem, this bastard gave it to me. Of course, I already had the double album, but it won't be hard to get a green Jackson out of it.

Churches rule.

Only weeks after faux outrage was directed against Newsweek for claiming the Holy Word of Allah met an untimely demise in a Guantanamo Bay commode, the Pentagon now claims that a Qu'ran (and its owner) may have been desecrated by the Greatest Nation of All.

The Pentagon confirmed Friday evening — after the networks' evening news shows had aired — that a U.S. soldier had deliberately kicked a prisoner's holy book. The report also said prison guards had thrown water balloons in a cell block, causing an unspecified number of Qurans to get wet; a guard's urine had splashed on a detainee and his Quran; an interrogator had stepped on a Quran during an interrogation; and a two-word obscenity had been written in English on the inside cover of a Quran.

But there's no need to be alarmed about this, because it turns out that detainees have desecrated their Qu'rans as well.

White House officials noted that the investigation last month, by Brig. Gen. Jay Hood, the commander of the detention center, also found 15 cases of detainees mishandling their own Qurans.

Well if the terrorists are doing it, why can't Uncle Sam?

Convicted of using a celly to do a drug transaction, Jamal Lewis spent the last 4 months in jail, where he said he was "just another number." I guess that's the new euphemism of the day.

"It wasn't easy," Lewis said Friday, a day after the Baltimore Ravens running back completed a four-month sentence at a federal prison camp in Florida.

No Homo Juelz Santana, but I'm guessing it's never easy to have someone making Betty Crocker mix out of your ass.

"I'm not used to getting up that early in the morning to go to work," Lewis said, revealing the slightest of grins. "As soon as you wake up, they're watching your every move. There's no freedom. You don't get to eat what you want to eat. You don't get to move where you want to move.

Not to be Captain Obvious or anything but that's why they call it JAIL.

Anyway, major no homo juelz santana, they didn't come right out and say Jamal's ankle feels better solely because his ass got torn, but just look at the comments people affiliated with the organization were saying.

Billick said. "He's paid his price."

"The football season will seem like nothing now," Lewis said. "That's going to be a breeze after what I've been through."

"It wasn't about Jamal Lewis. You're just another number in prison."

Leave it unsaid, you've said enough. We know what happened.

Miami won tonight's battle, but Wade now has a strained rib muscle. The quintessential Pyrrhic Victory.

The Pistons will likely walk all over the Heat for Game 6, which will lead to a Game 7.

And perhaps it'll be a "Whatchu talkin bout Willis Reed" moment for Dwyane entering the court.



But I doubt it. The Pistons will win in 7, and no homo juelz santana, they will do so by climbing onto the back of this man.

Lindsay Lohan was uninjured in a car crash a few hours ago.

Here's what investigators believe happened:

Lindsay exited a bathroom where she had just left her last meal, and she hopped into a car. Since Lindsay was on her 14th minute of fame, photographer Galo Ramirez rushed to get a picture of her. Since her car began driving away, Ramirez trailed her car because it's hard to focus the camera lens on an 80 pound girl. He eventually bumped her car on accident.

Ramirez, released on $35,000 bail, has been charged with assault with a deadly weapon. That Lohan was uninjured, let alone not broken in half, Ramirez's lawyers will obviously be able to prove the charge ludicrous.

I didn't really pay close attention to the Surreal Life Season 4 on VH1, although I think everyone saw highlights Verne Troyer pissing off his scooter, a hot model lusting for a 50 year old Brady Bunch actor, Chyna make a case for my Rotten.com Deadpool Roster and, best of all, Da Brat calling someone else a has been.

I guess so far as reality TV is concerned, that's a lot of shit happening in one season. But the Surreal Life Reunion recently aired so I watched the entire hour. I learned some very important things.

Chyna

After seeing excerpts of her psychotic behavior on the show and hearing about a past suicide attempt, the number of people picking Chyna in the Rotten.com Deadpool skyrocketed into the hundreds, regardless of her age (35). When hundreds of people are picking a 35 year old instead of someone like Rosa Parks, that's one fucked up 35 year old. But at the reunion, a new and improved, somewhat sober looking Chyna showed up. Now I didn't pick Chyna to succeed with her second attempt in the next year, and I'm even more sure now that she's at least a year + away from relapsing after seeing her on the reunion. At this point, I'd like to give a Shoutout to Eddie Albert (of Green Acres fame) for giving me my second correct croaks (praise be unto His Big Pimpness John Paul II as well).

Adrienne and The Old Brady

These two are now fucking by mutual consent. And that old turd Brady is a year older than Adrienne's mom. Typically models have issues regarding their bodies (see Bol's "Mia" post today), but clearly this one's got mental problems beyond even the model norm.

Verne

To be honest, I don't think his stunt with the "Greatest Nation of All, Urination" from the scooter was as embarassing as appearing in that horrible Ludacris video, but obviously he's never going to live that down. But the sad thing is the guy is snagging hot bitches regardless.

But the most incredible news of all came from:

Da Brat

Like you, I was one of those apparently confused individuals who thought Da Brat's career was over about 10 years ago. Like you, I laughed at Da Brat calling a former Go Go Girl a "has been," much like I would laugh at Lindsay Lohan calling Mary Kate anorexic.

But Da Brat is about to show us, because she's working on a new album. Doing some investigative work, I actually found out that Da Brat put out an album in 2000, with the oh so original title "Unrestricted." I'm not sure what royalties Da Brat's getting on her albums, but you could buy Unrestricted on Amazon for 84 cents. Where else can you get timeless classics like "Breeve On Em" and "All My Bitches" for less than a green Washington? Amazon Reviewers have assured us that this release is indeed better than "Anuthatantrum" and "Funkdified," no caveat emptor.

Anyway, according to the Queen B, her new album is going to feature collaborations with Mariah Carey and Jermaine Dupree. No word yet on Kris Kross.

Looks like I'll have something else to review in addition to the upcoming Kanye album. No Homo Juelz Santana, but now all I need to hear is that Ron Artest is keeping himself real busy on something besides basketball.