Bloggystyle -- The Greatest

In honor of my impending graduation from University, I believe it's a fitting time to reflect back on all of my proudest and finest moments.

Of course, almost none of them involved books.

So, over the course of the next few weeks, beginning with today's selection, I will recount to you all the important things I experienced in the last 5 years of "studies." Since almost none of them involved books, I'll start off with the one that (sorta) did. Study hard kids.

Gunning for the Floor's Beer Bong Record

During the first semester of freshman year, a college student should go through both a school orientation and a drinking orientation. And the beer bong is practically Algebra 101.


We were "orientated" rather quickly in regards to the Algebra 101 of the drinking world, frequently using the beer bong for drinking games.

While most of us limited the beer bong use to 1-2 beers at a time, the guy living next door, who just so happened to turn out to be "The Gimp," was a bit eccentric in his use of drugs and alcohol. On one hazy night, the kid dropped down on one knee and took down 3 beers in a single bong, the floor record.

My roomate was no slouch either, no homo (just in case). If I've come across any alcoholics in my time, he was one of the two. A ridiculously good guitar player majoring in some sort of voodoo music program, the guy clearly was a seasoned drinking pro. You wouldn't believe it looking at the following picture (he's the fag standing up):


I...did...not...take...that...picture...NO...HOMO...

Anyway, one Friday night near the end of the semester, I was doing whatever the fuck I did on early Friday nights before I headed out or chilled. The roomate came back from a long strenuous day of playing guitar or something and grabbed the beer bong. Typically it helps to have someone holding the beer bong up for the drinker, but I wasn't going to oblige, and my help was not wanted anyway. I then watched stunningly as the roomate wedged the beer bong hose through the frame of his loft and then proceeded to keep it in place while bonging a beer.

And then another. And then another. And then another. And then another. And then another. And then another. And then another. And then another. And then another. And then another. And then another. And then another. And then another. And then another. And then another.

The kid had just literally bonged 16 beers right in a row with no commotion on some desolate Friday night where nothing was going on yet. Once it finally started to hit him, it was like a damn avalanche. The kid was going crazy.

Meanwhile, The Gimp had some guys doing whatever they were doing in the room next door, no homo. My roomate saw this and told them that he was just now, after 16 beer bongs, going to attempt to break the floor record of 3 beers in one bong. I knew it was a horrific idea but I was powerless to stop it.

Before I knew it, everyone on our wing of the floor had come into the room to witness this attempt at glory. I don't know how many of these bastards knew that 16 beers had already been imbibed by the numbskull, but they were interested in the freak show regardless. After about 5 minutes of rounding up people, about 10 guys and girls had accumulated in the room to watch this attempt at history.

After his 16th beer bong, I had a sneaking suspicion when he went to the can that he may have tossed some of it up, but either way I could have told everyone what was about to come next. The 4 beers were poured in, and after a lot of hoopla, the roomate started the beer bong.

The typical beer bong takes under 2 seconds. A 2 beer bong could take 5 seconds. The Gimp's 3 beer bong took forever. So when he started at a gradual pace, I was beginning to cast away my doubts.

But when he got about halfway through, the beer bong came flying out of his mouth, no homo, saturating everyone and everything in the room. While that was going on, the kid started puking everywhere, some reaching our trash can, some not. I was thoroughly disgusted, everyone else was laughing and people started to vacate. Eventually I told him to take his sick trash can down to the bathroom and wash it out, which he agreed to do.

While he started walking down the hall toward the can, The Gimp and his crew were leaving. We lived on the 9th floor, so the elevator was a necessity. And the elevator just so happened to be right across from the bathroom.

As those 5-6 guys got into the elevator, the roomate and his big trash recepticle of puke walked by. As the doors were closing, inspiration struck the roomate who wound up and unleashed the can into the elevator, sending a tsunami wave of vomit into the elevator, all over The Gimp and company. Down the hall, I saw this and subsequently laughed uncontrollably for a good 5 minutes in the room next door, giving my abs their best workout in a long time.

But when I finally came to and calmed down, I walked back into my room only to find my roomate scrubbing the floor with my folders and book. I yelled at him, but that's about all I was going to do, given our conflicting blood alcohol levels. By this time, it was close to 11 pm and the roomate was far from done. He began to drink more casually with some guy in the room next door.

I don't remember what I did for the rest of the night but I went to bed around 1 am. As it turns out, my roomate and that other guy (he's the one on the ground in the fag picture, no homo) grabbed a bunch of their toothpastes and started an all out war against each other throughout the dorm and even outside, getting toothpaste all over the place. They then decided they had to shower (separately I hope), and of course while doing so my roomate stole the other kid's towel and brought it back into our room, leading the guy to pound on our doors. Finally my roomate let him in, promptly turning on the lights and I rolled over to the sight of one naked neighbor, major no homo. That asshole then began to spit on me for no reason. No homo to this entire paragraph.

Finally at 4 am, those two bastards passed out, and it was finally a night. And I had to look forward to at least 7 more semesters of this.

Some of you know that I'm a transplanted Wisconsinite going to school in Cambridge, Massachusetts. None of you care. No doubt, this fact is completely meaningless to anyone outside the fam.

That being said, I've had the chance to see a few notable celebrities visit the respective campuses of Harvard & MIT. Some famous actors and actresses like Tim Robbins and Catherine Zeta-Jones came to HU this year, and MIT hosted Steve Ballmer (CEO of Microsoft) and some other nerds whose names I forget. Typically, these invited speakers/entertainers are well accomplished in their fields, and the host school takes great pride in having some renowned names visit the campus.

Which is why I could hardly believe it when I heard "I'm So Fly" Lloyd Banks was coming on April 22nd to the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Thats not a typo, Lloyd was really "On Fire" over at MIT last Friday, performing with Fabolous. No homo.

Unfortunately, I couldn't go, but I have read all I need to know about this oh so predictable fiasco in The Tech. Lloyd arrived almost an hour late, bringing with him three underage girls onto the stage. Most surprising of all, the "keys to R. Kelly's Ignition" were not found at the scene.

As if it couldn't get any stranger, the allegedly "visibly high and very drunk" Banks, angered by MIT security, led multiple "fuck MIT" cheers. Gee, who would have ever guessed something would go wrong bringing an individual proudly claiming to be in a "Gorilla Unit" to one of the most respected institutions of higher learning?

MIT. Where incredibly smart people can be so incredibly stupid.

I don't think there's ever been a more controversial individual when it comes to missing egregious insertions of no homo. No homo. Whether it was calling the Brewers "the hottest team" or commenting that my recent vanity shot was "horrible," or even going so far as to explicitly point out that people found this site searching for the propensity of a certain Afro-American's johnson, Nasty Naus wasn't exactly convincing people of his heterosexuality.

I'm proud to announce that the kid is finally coming around, no homo. Nasty Naus can tell this in his own words.

NastyNaus: well
NastyNaus: i admit it
Johnny Whitewater: u listen to Gigolo?
NastyNaus: i used "no homo" for the first time last week
NastyNaus: i said it
Johnny Whitewater: congratulations
NastyNaus: i was at an ice cream place
NastyNaus: and i got a sundae
Johnny Whitewater: this is an ominous start.
NastyNaus: i got ice cream and fudge
Johnny Whitewater: jesus h christ. you just missed another no homo.
NastyNaus: and hes like do you want anything else on it
NastyNaus: and i said, ya give me some nuts
NastyNaus: (no homo)
Jonny Whitewater: that's a relief
NastyNaus: the guy laughed

Much like fucking, complete abstinence of saying gay things is the only way to be completely safe. But my faith in the kid is slowly coming around.

No homo.

It's probably safe to say that the Very Best of Death Row Records will be the best rap album released this year.

The only problem, of course, is that we have already heard these tracks a billion times over the last 10 years.

1. Against All Odds * 2Pac
2. California Love * 2Pac Featuring Dr. Dre & Roger Troutman
3. Gin And Juice * Snoop Doggy Dogg
4. Nuthin' But A G Thang * Dr. Dre
5. Ambitionz Az A Ridah * 2Pac
6. Who Am I * (What's My Name) * Snoop Doggy Dogg
7. Let's Play House * Tha Dogg Pound
8. Regulate * Warren G Featuring Nate Dogg
9. Ain't No Fun (If the Homies Can't Have None)
10. New York, New York * Tha Dogg Pound
11. Let Me Ride * Dr. Dre
12. What Would You Do * Tha Dogg Pound
13. Afro Puffs * Lady of Rage
14. Off the Chain * Petey Pablo & Kurupt

This is not to be confused with the Death Row Greatest Hits, which had some tracks not even created or put out by Death Row. This is also not to be confused with Death Row: Snoop Doggy Dogg at His Best, Chronicle: Best of the Works, Tha Dogg: the Best of the Works, or Nu-Mixx Klazzics.

Who says DR's slippin? I bet "Off the Chain" is...off the chain?

The first games of Round 1 are finished, leaving me to question my Pacers/Spurs/Mavs/Kings/Wizards picks. I'm still relatively confident that those 4 teams will still pull it off though.

Round 2 in the East

1 Miami vs. 5 Washington

If Gilbert Arenas and Tawn Jamison keep playing with their heads up their asses, we won't even have to dissect this matchup. Then again, if Damon Jones and Dwyane Wade keep that up, we wouldn't have to anyway. Heat in 5

2 Detroit vs. 6 Indiana

The most competitive aspect of this matchup would be the replay of Artest and STEVE JACKSON going all out in the stands against a bunch of morons from the Detroit area. It'll be fun just to replay all that stuff, but the Pistons would likely win this series in 5. Pistons in 5.

Round 2 in the West

1 Phoenix vs. 4 Dallas

Dallas looked atrocious in that first game, but I still think they'll beat Houston in 6. Phoenix should be a different story, because I think that Dallas will be apt to get caught up in the Suns pace, much like Memphis did last night. And we know that MVP STEVE NASH and company are the best in the Association at that pace. Suns in 6.

2 San Antonio vs. 6 Sacramento

The Kings will have just enough Bibby to outlast the Sonics yet, and they might pull a game or two from San Antonio. But that'll be about it. Spurs in 6.

Now that the MVP debate has been settled, it's actually Saturday and all I'm going to be watching is Round 1 of the NBA playoffs, where the games will be intense and last about 5 picks of the NFL draft.

Round 1 in the East

1 Miami vs. 8 New Jersey

I think this has been a trendy upset pick, and it picks up steam since Shaq is gimped and the rest of the Heat besides Wade are simply not playoff material. On the flip side, Kidd and Vince have been absolutely gunning, there's a chance that Richard Jefferson will be replacing the likes of Rodney Buford, and though I haven't seen the Nets play lately, I still think they've got the Brian Scalabrine X factor.

It's almost enough to make pick them. I'm just concerned about that whole Krstic and Jason Collins 2 headed beast matchup against Shaq, even if he's on one leg. Heat in 6

2 Detroit vs. 7 Philadelphia

This one has all the makings of a slaughter, unless Iverson shoots 60%, Webber rounds into 2001 form, or Iguodala turns into Wade-Lite overnight. The Pistons have won something like 11 in a row, they're also the defending champions, and this one will go 5 at most. Pistons in 5

3 Boston vs. 6 Indiana

Only a homer would pick Boston in 5, which just so happens to be Simmons's downfall in a lot of his columns. Hell, he picked Boston to make the Finals in 2002.

Boston simply isn't that good. If Jermaine O'Neal has himself rounded into form by any point in this series, Indiana will certainly win more than 1 game. Simmons berates Anthony Johnson, who averaged 13/4/6 in April, as if Tinsley was the second coming of Stockton.

It'll take some vintage Paul Pierce escapades for the Celtics to win this series, unless Toine stops laying bricks. Other than those 2, who else should the Pacers be concerned about? Ricky Davis? Maybe if you're like Simmons, who called him the 35th Most Valuable Player this year and a "revelation."

I was originally going to take the Pacers in 6. But the fact that they have STEVE JACKSON to me means that they will drop an extra game. Pacers in 7

4 Chicago vs. 5 Washington

This should just be a high scoring shootout series between two upstart teams with no playoff experience. I don't know how big a factor Curry's fat lazy ass would have been in this series, or the rookie Deng for that matter. But I'm definitely not going to pick the Bulls to win shootouts against Gilbert Grape Arenas, Larry Hughes and Tawn Jamison. Wizards in 6

Round 1 in the West

When the seedings locked into place this past week, I looked at the pairings and said to myself that it wouldn't surprise me if 7 of those teams won their first round.

1 Phoenix vs. 8 Memphis

Memphis was not 1 of the 7. Suns in 5

2 San Antonio vs. 7 Denver

This is probably the strongest Round 1 matchup. If any team's got enough frontcourt resources to impede Duncan, it's Denver's KMart, Bamby and Nene, assuming they can all stay healthy.

But then there's the other Nuggets. Maybe Carmelo "I'll put money on their motherfucking brains" Anthony can keep his head screwed on for 7 more games and play decently, but would you bet on it? I still don't know what happened to Andre Miller over the last 3 years, and are the Nuggets really running DerMarr Johnson at 2?

Spurs will have just enough to hold the Nuggets off. Spurs in 7

3 Seattle vs. 6 Sacramento

When I heard Peja was gimped, I thought to myself that I would go with Sacramento if they were healthy.

But then I remembered Peja's playoff career. If it was possible, Peja would be shooting a negative %, and I still credit Peja with the worst shot in a big game that I have ever seen when he airballed that wide open triple in Game 7 against the Lakers in the WCF. That thing looked like a goddam banana corner kick in soccer, except it was travelling away from the goal. Just brutal.

So with that settled, Peja's injury no longer concerned me. And since it's Ridnour vs. Bibby at the point, it's going to be impossible for me to pick the Sonics. Kings in 7

4 Dallas vs. 5 Houston

This is apparently a pretty strong matchup too. Except Dallas has Dirk Nowitzki, who is the best player in the series. Frankly, I think it's going to be unsightly to watch Yao Ming get pushed around by Erick Dampier for 6 games. Does anyone remember when Jim Gray was interviewing Yao and told him it was Barkley's birthday? Yao turned to the camera and said "Happy Boofday Charwes." I just can't get that picture out of my head.

Finley trying to guard McGrady is going to be a hell of a sight...just not as much as watching Weatherspoon try to guard Dirk. Mavs in 5

Tomorrow I'll finish out the playoffs.

In a post Fitz describes as "the rebuttal," he argues my most recent post about why Nash was this year's MVP.

He did a good job of quoting me and countering me, so I must respond.

He's got a lot of assists, and he's an offensive sparkplug, but there are a few individuals that are more valuable to their respective teams that Steve Nash. For example, where would the 76ers be without Allen Iverson? They'd be a lot worse off than the Suns without Steve Nash.

I don't think the MVP has ever been judged like that. Trust me, after 82 games around the Greater Milwaukee Area, I think the Bucks could have gone 8-74 without Michael Redd. That doesn't make him the MVP.

According to Whitewater "The entire team is a defensive liability by design". Oh, I get it. They're supposed to suck on defense. That explains everything.

Let me explain this point further.

The Suns were the best team in the NBA this season because they outscored their opponents. In fact, 110 ppg were the most in 15 years. To score that many points in a game, the Suns must keep an extremely uptempo pace. Coach D'Antoni from the start has had the Suns play smallball, with Amare Stoudemire at the 5 and Marion at the 4. In essence, a clamp down defense that would slow down the pace of the game would hurt the Suns. Thus the talk that Phoenix can't succeed in the playoffs. I'm not saying Nash has ever been a good defender, but in this case Nash was able to lead the Suns to victory over 3/4 of the time by outscoring the opponent.

Besides, is there anyone who really believes Shaq plays good defense? Shaq refuses to step out on pick and rolls. Shaq gets about 2 blocks a game by being 7'1 and 350 pounds. Neither one of them is the Bruce Bowen of their position. In fact, none of the guys in the discussion are particularly strong defenders. Iverson and James adeptly play the passing lanes and inflate their steals numbers, but do you want a 5'11 165 pound guard trying to clamp down on anyone defensively? Ray Allen had a field day against AI in the 00-01 ECF.

Whitewater goes after Shaq rabidly. In an anti-Shaq point, Whitewater notes that Dwayne Wade "turned into a Top 10 player overnight." Overnight, huh? Wow, it's almost like nothing changed on the Heat between 2004 and 2005. Here's the thing: Shaq makes guards. Penny? Kobe? How have those two done without Shaq? Besides, there's no way that you can make the argument that the 4 players who surround Shaq are better than the 4 players that surround Steve Nash.

I've watched plenty of Wade (I am a Marquette fan after all), and if anything he's been able to showcase his game when Shaq's out or in foul trouble. If Wade was a spot up perimeter shooter, Shaq's influence would be stronger (look at Damon Jones). But Wade does his damage in the lane, which means that he's driving past his own defenders. Wade's a solid defender as well. I'm not saying Shaq hasn't helped Wade or the Heat, but I think it's misleading of Simmons to give Shaq all the credit for the Heat's turnaround. As for Kobe, Milwaukee could use his 26/6/6 or whatever it was this year. His numbers weren't exactly horrible.

Another anti-Shaq argument is that "the fact that he missed 10 games this season". Um, Steve Nash missed 7 games this year. But I forgot, Steve Nash gets credit when he misses games, because his team loses when he's doesn't play. According to Whitewater, it's the #2 reason why he should be the MVP.

The point I was making is that Shaq missed 10 games and the Heat still finished that well. In otherwords, I think credit was due to Wade. The Suns didn't win a single game that Nash missed.

There's only one problem with that argument: Kobe played almost as many games in each season. In the 2003-2004 season, Kobe played in 65 games, while this year Kobe played in 66. You can't tell me that the one game is going to result in a notable difference in their record.

The Lakers got rid of Shaq/Malone/Payton. They took back Butler/Odom/Atkins/Mihm as replacements. George was hurt much of the year. There were a number of factors besides Shaq why the Lakers went 34-46.

Steve Nash is ranked #15 in efficiency, which I feel is the most well-rounded measure of a player's abilities. Not only is he ranked #15 overall, but he is ranked behind both Shawn Marion and Amare Stoudemire, which means he's 3rd in efficiency on his own team. Steve Nash ranked 40th overall in points-per-game, he is ranked 16th in "rebounds by a point guard", and he barely averages 1 steal. That ranks him 33rd in "steals by a point guard".

If Nash is less efficient than Marion and Stoudemire, he's the reason for it. The Suns averaged 25 points per game less this season with Nash out of the lineup. Stoudemire's points per game jumped up about 7 points per game this season. Outside of Jason Kidd, the differential of Nash's 3 rebounds to any other point guard's is negligible. That's not really their job anyway. The reason Nash ranked 40th in points per game is because he took so few shots. A better indicator of his efficiency in that regard would be points per attempt. Nash shot over 50% this year, 43% from three. It's not a question of Nash not being able to put Iverson's 30; Nash kept his points within the flow of their offense.

If we're going to argue about numbers, nothing eyepopping jumps out about Shaq's numbers to me. If someone is going to make an argument for Shaq as MVP, they're going to have to turn to the same arguments I am making for Nash about impacting his team. If the race was about #s, then LeBron or KG, or AI and Kobe would win it this season. The MVPs would be duking it out in the Toilet Bowl.

To keep it simple, here are my reasons Nash is MVP. He took a lottery team and added 33 wins to it. He was an irreplaceable part of the best team in the NBA this year. He rerevolutionized the way basketball in the NBA is going to be played (at least during the regular season). He was ridiculously efficient: 50% shooting and almost 12 assists per game. Thanks to Nash, every Suns starter was averaging over 14 per game. Thanks to Nash, Amare and Joe Johnson had career years.

Whether people agree with my reasoning or not, I'm still confident that Nash will win the NBA's MVP award.

Now that the NBA season has wrapped up and the playoffs start tomorrow, it's finally time to divulge my expert opinion on what we just saw and what we will see, starting with the divisive MVP debate.

When he's not talking about the goddam Red Sox, Bill Simmons is ESPN's best sports columnist. Only because he's humorous: I rarely agree with him on anything sports related.

Take his NBA MVP argument for example. He put the MVP race in this order: Shaq, AI, Dirk, Wade/LeBron tied, and then Nash.

Here are his arguments, in concise format. Shaq is the MVP because the Lakers won 57 games last year and about 20 less this year. The Heat won 42 games last year and around 60 this year.

AI is 2nd because he's small, plays hard and averaged 30/8. Simmons says the Sixers are a terrible team with no talent (Iguodala anyone?). I would have sworn Jerry Stackhouse did nearly the same thing for a few Pistons teams 5 years ago. People criticized "Brickhouse" for those performances. But since AI bumped his shooting % up to a whopping 42%, he's a changed man.

Dirk is 3rd. Can't argue with that, except he should be ahead of AI.

Wade/LeBron tied for 4th. LeBron just finished up an incredible season, no question. His team also nosedived right out of the playoffs. Meanwhile, Simmons puts Wade up here, and there's no question Wade turned into a Top 10 player overnight. So why does Shaq get the credit for the Heat's record?

Finally, Nash ends up at 6th, because he's not a franchise player and he's a defensive liability. Simmons also puts him here because he would be picked last among the Top 6.

Fitz mirrored much of Simmons's argument (check out his incredibly long tirade in the comments).

The MVP results will go as follows. Nash, LeBron/Dirk tied or very close, then Shaq.

Now that people have said why Steve Nash isn't the MVP, here are the reasons why he is MVP.

#1 - Nash led the Suns to the best record in the NBA at 62-20. Simmons argues the case for Shaq by pointing to the Heat's record and the Lakers' record. The Suns added Nash, Q and 33 wins. I'm as big a fan of Q as the next guy far removed from Phoenix (he helped me win my fantasy league this year), but his 15/6 didn't equal those 33 wins.

Fitz uses Amare's injury as the reason the Suns did so poorly last year. Amare did play just 55 games last year. At best they went 29-26 with him, which did not happen.

If we're going to play the injury card, why credit the Lakers record to Shaq when Kobe and Odom both missed over 15 games?

#2 - When Nash didn't play, the Suns were atrocious. Want to know why the Suns won 29 games the year before? Leandro Barbosa started at point for about 50 games. The Suns lost 20% of their games this season in the week Nash couldn't go.

The Suns of 03-04 scored 94 points per game. This year they averaged 110 per game. With Nash unable to go, the Suns averaged 86 a game.

#3 - Every argument against Nash is specious.

First, Fitz and Simmons call him a defensive liability. The entire team is a defensive liability by design. If the team you throw out there scores 110 points per game, defense doesn't matter.

Simmons says the other players would get picked before Nash. Since when did the MVP become the Best Player in the League Award? And given Shaq's current gimpy status, and the fact that he missed 10 games this season, would you start a pickup team with him or his own teammate?

Fitz makes the counterargument that Dallas improved without Nash this season. Actually, what happened was Dirk upped his numbers and defense considerably, and the Mavs added Terry and Dampier, a considerable improvement despite his disappointing numbers, to the lineup.

What did Nash accomplish this year? He led last year's lottery team to a league best 62 wins. Under his direction, the Suns re-revolutionized the way NBA basketball is going to be played over the next few years, away from the mid 90s Heat/Knicks brand of basketball.


An MVP, regardless of that mop top.

Spotted by Fitz, and courtesy of Michael Vick and whoever made this thing, the Ron Mexico random name generator is up and running. I guess that was just a matter of time.

On first use, I found that Johnny Whitewater became Jon Haiti, but that wasn't sneaky enough. So I changed it to John Whitewater, and was given the name Bruno Christmas Island. And lest I ever get caught in trouble, and my cover gets blown, no homo, my Christian name supplied "Johnnie Kazakhstan." I think I'll stick with Whitewater.

Meanwhile, Nasty Naus will be bitchslappin the hoes until they scream his name, Jose Maria Monaco.

I can't go anywhere these days without seeing this guy's mug, no homo.

Whether it's the Still Tippin videos, the stupid commercials all over MTV, or even DJXplicit's site, the sad truth is that Mike Jones is all over the place.

As anyone who's listened to Mr. Michael Jones knows, the dude is just terrible. He's so bad that, when Nasty Naus put up a quote from Still Tippin on his profile, it was Paul Wall comparing himself to an ant. When you're hanging out with Slim Thug and Mr. Wall, I understand that the bar is set low. In fact, it's set so low Verne Troyer couldn't limbo under it. But Michael Jones still finds a way to disappoint.

As if his emergence isn't bad enough, I am in contact daily with individuals who actually rep and blast Jonesey's shit. No homo. Some of the gems Jones drops on us include tracks with Roy Jones. For those worried that they might be missing out on something, I can recap the tracks as follows: Mike Jones asks "Who? or Who is Mike Jones? or Who am I? over and over again.

One track breaks the mold. It truly transcends terrible. I'm sure most of us could tell just by the track title, "Dick Don't Fail Me Now" that this one wasn't a winner. If that wasn't convincing enough, an appearance by Kokane could have probably done it.

Are there still any skeptics? Well let me post my favorite lyrics from Mr. Jones on this track.

"Dick don't fail me now. / I gotta turn shorty out. / Cuz she don't want nobody else / but me and only me.

I'm hot now so hoes trail me now / so my dick gotta stay harder can't fail me now.

Mike Jones and my boy ain't nobody harda / when my dick hard all i need girl is your hot saliva.

But for some reason when I'm in it they scream out my name, *WHO* Mike Jones! *WHO* Mike Jones! *WHO* Mike Jones! *WHO* Mike Jones!

When she hear my name at home or work she fiendin / wishin time pass fast so she can suck on my semen.

I know you gotta man, but why should I complain, cuz *I don't give a fuck about yo man*
I'm Mike Jones *WHO* Mike Jones and *I don't give a fuck about yo man*
We run trains on other niggaz dames cuz *we don't give a fuck about yo man*

No homo to that entire list.

By the way, for those who still don't believe me, I was kind enough to put the track up for download.

If you intend to vote in our upcoming tournament, this is definitely a must listen.

My mainstay channel, MTV Jams, has been infested by the Dirty South for the past week or so, and I'm not sure why. Suffice it to say, it's really pissing me off. Take terrible rap tracks, screw them and chop them (no homo), and the results are mindboggling. Then imagine trying to keep the station on. Hell, they were chopping tracks from 96 that were clearly unchoppable (Scarface's Smile, for example)

Anyway, after the umpteenth Mike Jones commercial, this program counting down the Greatest 25 Southern rappers of all time came on. I just had to watch and recap.

I only caught it starting at #15. After naming the artist, they have some random rappers, or Lil Jon, say shit about the guy calling him an all time great etc. Then they play a video.

#15: T.I.

According to Uncle Luke, "If T.I. doesn't run out of lyrics in 5 years, he might be on the level of a...Pac or Jay-Z"

The video for "You Don't Know Me" then plays, completely refuting Uncle Luke.

#14: David Banner

All I heard was David Banner talking about his people's struggle in Mississippi. Then a video came on featuring Lil Flip and I changed the channel for 5 minutes.

#13: Ludacris

Lil Jon told me that Ludacris is superfly TNT. Ludacris says there's the cool, calm collected side of him and then there's the rowdy side. Frankly both of his sides are terrible, no homo.

#12 DJ Magic Mike

DJ Magic Mike is some old school shit. And believe it or not, a 22 year old white kid from Wisconsin didn't know anything about this guy. I missed the all important random comment about this guy, but at least he's not Lil Flip.

#11 Trick Daddy

"Trick Daddy played a significant role in the history of Southern Music." Thanks for that pearl of wisdom, Uncle Luke.

To display the greatness of Trick Daddy, they played the video for "Nan" featuring Trina. If you're not familiar with that track, you have a guardian angel. Let's just say the best thing about this track is it's about 2:30 long.

#10 Master P

*MAKE EM SAY UNHHHH* *NA NA NA NA* *HOOOOOODY HOOOOOO*

If we were talking quality over quantity, maybe No Limit should be on this list somewhere.

But to put Master P ahead of T.I.? It makes me wonder where Lil Jon is going to show up. Anyway, the video was Make Em Say Unh, which is 5 minutes of bad rap and watching Master P dunk on an 8 foot rim.

Only in the name of science am I continuing...

#9 Juvenile

It must have been that rhyme scheme from Back That Ass Up. If this was a "Ugliest Southern Rappers of All Time" list, this pick would make sense. No homo all over that last sentence.

Actually, make that Back That Thing Up, which I'm now going to subject myself to because I'm too lazy to get up and change the remote.

#8 Lil Jon

*BIA BIA*

On the one hand I'm almost shocked he's not ranked higher. On the other, I think the only time I've heard this guy do a rap of any sort was on Play No Games.

If Lil Jon can make a list of Top rappers, would Kay Slay or Clue make the list on Top 25 East Coast? And as the Bia Bia video plays, I don't think I'll ever get over black guys rapping behind a Confederate flag.

#7 Three Six Mafia

After hearing a bunch of people talk about the wondrous career of the Three Six Mafia, the program was turned off by someone else in the house.

Thank God.

I'm pretty sure Scarface, Outkast and The Geto Boys were still coming. After that I'll have to take an educated guess of missing notables.

Paul Wall, Slim Thug, (Who?) MIKE JONES! MIKE JONES! MIKE JONES! MIKE JONES!

After a week that I thought may have entailed the apocalypse, things are getting back to normal.

First, the Brewers were looking competitive. But now that the Brewers have started their inevitable slide toward the cellar, including today's blown 6-0 lead, it's back to reality.

Second, the Pope's pimpmobile was missing an occupant for the first time in my life. The world was praying that an 84 year old cripple with Parkinson's Disease would be miraculously spared, all while Polish people were making headlines. I thought I was losing my damn mind.

And of course, we were gone for 3 whole days! How did you all get by? Anyway, the quest to determine the worst song ever will get back underway shortly enough. And of course, the NBA playoffs start this weekend. In addition, I will have to set people straight regarding the end of season NBA awards.

But that's all in the future. In the meantime, I've gotta go adjust my Deadpool stable to get that new windbag that was elected Pope today.

My most recent attempts to be Nostradamus have failed miserably, but I'm far from deterred.

In fact, I'm going to go out on a limb and make another outlandish prediction.

The Brewers will win a game against the Cardinals this year.

In the wake of my gloating over the current NL Central standings, I only realized a few days ago that the Brewers play the Cardinals this weekend.

So I did what anybody in Milwaukee with a Lincoln in their pocket could do. Since there's nothing going on around here, I bought a ticket to tonight's game, along with some other friends. That way, I'll have the experience of witnessing the magnitude of the Cardinals' shittiness in person for future entries.

I won't be live blogging, because that's gay (and I'd be too incoherent anyway). But I can already say what my schedule will be.

4:00 in the post meridian, Central Standard Time

Ben Sheets is likely going to throw the first pitch at 7:05 pm. We will be arriving at Miller Park by 4. Of course, the game itself is only one of the reasons I'm going. Actually, it's more of an excuse for us to tailgate and get wasted. Especially when the hometown team hasn't been competitive in 13 years.


It might be April, but it's still Wisconsin

4:01 in the post meridian, Central Standard Time

Upon exiting the vehicle, it's time for the first of what will be many of these.


Fuck Miller products.

4:10 in the post meridian, Central Standard Time

It's time for the second of what will be many of these.


Fuck Miller products.

4:15 in the post meridian, Central Standard Time

Assume the grilling position. (No homo?)



4:20 in the post meridian, Central Standard Time

It's time for the third of what will be many of these.


Fuck Miller products.

6:00 in the post meridian, Central Standard Time

For some reason, if a camera's present, people feel the need to take a picture of their tailgating group. If you don't believe me, do a Google image search. If somebody has a camera in our group, the following might occur:


9 morons should not make a stereotype.

Yes, I realize that picture is titled whitewater.jpg. Except our group will include hot girls and fewer losers.

7:05 in the post meridian, Central Standard Time


While this is happening inside the Park...


This is still happening outside the Park.

7:15 in the post meridian, Central Standard Time

It's time for the manyeth of what will be many of these.


By now I've taken enough Silver Bullets to make Dracula blush, no homo.

7:45 in the post meridian, Central Standard Time

It's time for us to enter Miller Park and head straight to the bleachers. I will be donning the only thing in franchise history worth anything.



8:00 in the post meridian, Central Standard Time

It's the top of the 3rd inning, with the Brewers up a few runs.

Through beer goggles, I will see something resembling the following sequence.









9:30 in the post meridian, Central Standard Time

Beer sales are cut off after the 7th inning. If there was anyone in the Park, riot would ensue.

9:45 in the post meridian, Central Standard Time

With the Brewers comfortably ahead in the 8th inning, gratuitous shots of drunken fans are taken by panning cameras. Look for a few shirtless, drunken individuals, one with a Let's, another with a Go, and a fat roomate with Milwaukee Brewers on their chests. That's us.

10:00 in the post meridian, Central Standard Time

With the game almost over and the Brewers extending the division lead, we are more concerned about trying to determine who is the least drunk to drive home.

10:15 in the post meridian, Central Standard Time

Brewers closer Mike Adams shuts the door on the Cardinals for a 5-2 victory. The Brewers will be 2.5 ahead of the Cards.

And even if we do somehow lose, we still get to go home drunk, which would still be enough for me.

What can beat a day at the Park?

No Homo.

This may look like a pretty goddam weird title to a post. No homo again. It's just that I had to point out the retardation of one Nasty Naus.

If you read the comments, you would have noticed weeks ago in my Eva Longoria/Ciara special that the first comment by Nasty Naus was that someone found this site searching for a certain black R&Ber's reproductive organ's voluminosity. I'll insert the no homo for him.

Now Nasty Naus, in his defense, was correct. It just so happened in the February archive that the incriminating words were there, putting this site at the top of such an incredibly distinguished list.

But the problem is that ever since Nasty Naus wrote that, more people have been finding this site through that exact search. Everyone wants more people to come to the page, but yesterday almost 5% of visitors to this page didn't come for Ron Mexico, or pictures of hot girls, or discussions of bad music. 5% of you came to our humble site hoping that I could dispense wisdom on the substantiality of a certain African American celebrity's homo erectus. No homo. At this point I'm not even sure how to stop the beast. Given the exponential increase of visitors using that query, before you know it, every horny bitch with an Internet connection is going to be coming to this site.

Thanks again Nasty Naus...

Besides the usual draft coverage and free agent signings, NFL fans have had another story to follow this offseason - apparently the ball isn't the only thing Mike Vick's been spreading around. I admit, lawsuits against sports stars are abundant, and such a case wouldn't be that interesting except for one quirky fact - Vick supposedly used the alias "Ron Mexico" (and perhaps others) when being tested for the STD. In fact, Ron Mexico is even named as the defendant.

Now, if you're like me (or Fitz) the first thing you thought was of course to get a personalized #7 Falcon's Mexico jersey.

Unfortunately for any would-be jokesters, the NFL has now prohibited any Falcon's Mexico jerseys from being personalized. Due to my procrastination, I've now resorted to eBay to find my Mexico throwback, which will go perfectly with my Panther's Rae Carruth jersey.

The good news for the Timberwolves is that their magic number to get into the playoffs is down to 10.

The bad news is that the number of games they have left is 5.

The bad news prompted the Wolves owner, Glen Taylor, to declare that Sam Cassell and Latrell Sprewell were a failed experiment.

According to Minnesota Timberwolves owner Glen Taylor, the team's acquisitions of Latrell Sprewell and Sam Cassell two summers ago were a "failed experiment."

Before Minnesota's fifth-to-last game in a terribly disappointing season, Cassell figured his time with the Timberwolves was nearing an end.

"He told me right there he don't want me back," Cassell said Wednesday when told of Taylor's critical comments. "You experiment with something, and it doesn't work. Would you try it again?"

When asked off record where the Wolves will try to trade Sam, Taylor replied "We've received a number of interesting proposals, but the frontrunner right now is probably Area 51."

I may need some assistance in deciphering what this means.

Milwaukee 4-2 --
St. Louis 2-3 1.5

There sure was plenty of bad rap to listen to, as yesterday's discussion could attest. But we barely even broached the topic of raps done by individuals who do not consider rapping a real profession. When we realized what an outburst of selections that would entail, we decided not to deal with it on the regional basis.

Well it's time has truly come. And both of us are well equipped and versed when it comes to this stuff.

Also, Fly came up with the idea of a bracket for a Worst Songs Ever tournament. We've already taken care of 4, and we will eventually discuss the next 12 to add. NastyNaus and I will then seed them and post each track online for the voters. In the meantime, here's discussion on the fifth track to enter the competition.

Johnny Whitewater: All right, there are so many options, all almost equivalent to each other in raw shittiness, so let's just start throwin some out
NastyNaus: Good idea
Johnny Whitewater: Let the brainstorming begin.
NastyNaus: Aaron Carter - Thats how I beat Shaq
Johnny Whitewater: wait a second: what the hell is that?
Johnny Whitewater: that's the Backalley Boy's brother doing rap?
NastyNaus: Aaron Carter, the brother of the backstreet boys
NastyNaus: yes
NastyNaus: I shouldve made that singular
Johnny Whitewater: WOW. he raps on it?
NastyNaus: yeah...
Johnny Whitewater: damn, well that's a frontrunner
Johnny Whitewater: let's brainstorm some more. I mean there's Big Willystyle gettin freakalicious, or should I say gettin jiggy wit it.
NastyNaus: Shaq - Biological Didnt Bother
Johnny Whitewater: ok, you have to post lyrics of these
Johnny Whitewater: didn't Rasheed Wallace diss your boy E-40 on some stuff?
NastyNaus: She probably didn't trust men anymore
Until Philip Harrison walk though the door
Went out a few times but what about Shaquille
Moms offered him a million dollar package deal
She said you want me you gotta take my son
or else its like a hot dog but without the bun
Johnny Whitewater: jesus. that's pretty bad, but I got a couple of those mixtape joints with Kobe Bryant rappin alongside like Capone from CNN
Johnny Whitewater: Kobe Bryant calls himself the rap game's Adolf on one of em...
NastyNaus: Ya, what about the Kobe Bryant track with Tyra Banks?
Johnny Whitewater: K O B E I L O V E U?
NastyNaus: yeah
Johnny Whitewater: "What I live for, basketball.
beats and braws
From Ital-ee to the US
Yes, it's raw."
Johnny Whitewater: Why didn't Big Dog Glenn Robinson ever put out his album anyway? I was fiendin forever
NastyNaus: great lyrics
Johnny Whitewater: imagine Robert Traylor up in the cameo rappin bout food
NastyNaus: hahah
Johnny Whitewater: how many times do you think Big Dog would have rhymed words like dog and bite?
NastyNaus: yeah no kidding
Johnny Whitewater: I guess we can't pick based on potential.
NastyNaus: anything would be better than Kobe
Johnny Whitewater: wait now, what about Ron Artest?
NastyNaus: Kobe's lyrics were rough
NastyNaus: Artest's stuff isnt as bad as Kobe
NastyNaus: And Artest could beat the shit out of Kobe
Johnny Whitewater: well what about AI?
NastyNaus: 40 barz?
NastyNaus: Sorry I've been trying to think of a Kobe joke this whole time
Johnny Whitewater: hey, have u seen these Artest lyrics?
"You love it when I rub you. / Love it when you rub mine / Spine twirls when you touch me. / Like I'm chewin' on necks, / trust me, I'm the best"
Johnny Whitewater: When Kobe tries to force the issue, he can't be stopped.
NastyNaus: thats Artest right?
NastyNaus: there you go
Johnny Whitewater: it's almost impossible to deny Kobe the ball, especially when he's intent on dribble drive penetration
NastyNaus: man
Johnny Whitewater: anyway, let's not get too off base here.
Johnny Whitewater: AI, "Approach me with faggot tendencies, you'll end up where the maggots be"
Johnny Whitewater: AI gets extra points for actually getting the rap moniker Jewelzz
NastyNaus: I actually like that song
Johnny Whitewater: I wonder if he realized there was an R&B bitch on Death Row in the mid 90s with the same name...
Johnny Whitewater: So many NBA stars to choose from. god.
NastyNaus: true enough
NastyNaus: lets just give it to Kobe?
Johnny Whitewater: I can't give it to Kobe. no homo for both of those lines.
Johnny Whitewater: K.O.B.E. is not worse than Shaq's shit
Johnny Whitewater: what about Rasheed?
NastyNaus: I knew he dissed E-40 but I never heard the track
Johnny Whitewater: that's pretty sad.
Johnny Whitewater: Aaron Carter does sound super bad though. what's the beat like?
Johnny Whitewater: and post some lyrics.
NastyNaus: the beat is straight off of the disney channel
NastyNaus: But then I saw a shadow
It was 12 foot 3
It was Shaquile O'Neal
(What? What did he say?)
(How 'bout some one-on-one, do you wanna play?)
I told him why not, I got some time
But when I beat you real bad
Try not to cry
Johnny Whitewater: wow.
Johnny Whitewater: Shaq's not on this track at all?
NastyNaus: no even shaq wouldnt endorse something this bad
Johnny Whitewater: so Aaron Carter made this track for no purpose at all?
Johnny Whitewater: just to showcase how pathetic he is?
NastyNaus: well in the video they just show a black guy from behind with a #34 yellow jersey
Johnny Whitewater: I'm not sure admitting to seeing this video reflects well on you.
NastyNaus: yeah...I forget where I saw it...
Johnny Whitewater: So we're gonna go with Aaron Carter.
Johnny Whitewater: what's the name of the track again?
NastyNaus: That's How I
NastyNaus: Beat Shaq
Johnny Whitewater: Aaron Carter - That's How I Beat Shaq. can you tell us how he beats Shaq in the lyrics?
NastyNaus: I had a plan, that I could change the pace
I said, Yo Shaq you didn't tie your shoelace
He looked down, I stole the ball
I'm taking him to school now, watch me all
A 3-pointer, nothing but net
Come on Shaq, had enough yet?
Down by two, I'm catching up
I guess your getting nervous
Cuz you already lost
NastyNaus: Announcers were shocked
Couldn't believe it was real
(I can't believe a kid just stuffed O'Neal)
One more second, was all that remained
I put the ball up
I put him in shame
I must admit that it sounds real crazy
but the ball went in
Then he cried like a baby
Sorry Shaq, I should've let you win
You're good too
And we can still be friends
Johnny Whitewater: In the words of the immortal Jules Winfield, "That's all you had to say!"

Again, we did limit ourselves mostly to NBA ballers (and Aaron Carter). If any of you have pierced your eardrums with worse music that fits this genre, it would only be fitting to share it.

Back before this site got a much needed injection of Nasty Naus, I tried to determine the worst song ever, but couldn't even agree with myself.

But who can blame me? How exactly can you compare the quintessential shittiness of an Ashlee Simpson "pop posing as alternative wannabe" track to the just plain pathetic R&B "anthem" Soldier, by Destiny's Child?

So, Nasty Naus and I have decided that we shouldn't try to determine the worst song ever; we should just determine the worst song per genre.

Here was our discussion on the topic:

Johnny Whitewater: Well, I think we should definitely start with rap, since we're most familiar with it
NastyNaus: sure thing
NastyNaus: so may I nominate way we ball?
Johnny Whitewater: And I think we definitely need to break down the most terrible garbage by region, or genre
NastyNaus: ok
Johnny Whitewater: Obviously you have a very strong candidate for the Dirty South.
NastyNaus: E-40s from vallejo CA
Johnny Whitewater: So you nominate Way We Ball Remix by Lil Flip and E40
NastyNaus: yes, i strongly recommend it
Johnny Whitewater: I can't even get the name right. But I've gotta give you props on picking one with artists from across the map.
NastyNaus: Houston & Vallejo
Johnny Whitewater: I do have to question if we can simply pick a Dirty South track without even taking a Cash Money bomb into consideration.
NastyNaus: wow good point
NastyNaus: but I do have a second nomination
NastyNaus: "Shine" by Lil Wayne and the big tymers
Johnny Whitewater: have you seen that crazy fly Manolo Fresh's new "jam?"
NastyNaus: no
Johnny Whitewater: It's got some fugly bitch on the feature.
Johnny Whitewater: I understand you've got an affinity for Manolo Fresh, no homo. Last I checked, Manolo's lyrics were deemed profile worthy by you?
NastyNaus: absolutely
NastyNaus: and yes I have heard Mannie's new jam with tateeze
Johnny Whitewater: My god, Way We Ball Remix has the most obnoxious beat ever. I question if this is worse than some of the shit these two have already put out though. I mean E40 doesn't rhyme rubber with WAZUPPER in this one.
Johnny Whitewater: and Lil Flip is the same black poet who authored Sunshine, right?
NastyNaus: absolutely...
Johnny Whitewater: well this is your nomination, you may as well defend it.
NastyNaus: I think they mixed the beat for Way We Ball using Fruity Loops, that shitty freeware software
Johnny Whitewater: that's ALL you can muster for your defense?
Johnny Whitewater: I haven't seen a defense that bad since the Chiefs' season ended.
NastyNaus: I have some lyrics
NastyNaus: I'm swanging about to rip the kizzerp, sipping on my sizzyrup
And on the back of my throwback, it say Larry Bizzird
And on the back of my Jordans, it say Louis Vuitton
And on the back of my shirt, it say We Are One
NastyNaus: Do I need to defend this track?
Johnny Whitewater: Ok. I think the defense can rest.
NastyNaus: It has Lil Flip and E-40 in it
Johnny Whitewater: So we'll go with Way We Ball by Lil Flip and E-40, at least for Dirty South.
NastyNaus: Lil FLip and E-40
NastyNaus: a worse combo than Tim McGraw and Nelly, or Chris Webber and Allen Iverson.

Johnny Whitewater: So which rap genre should we do next?
Johnny Whitewater: I can only imagine the difficulty of deciding on the worst West Coast rap music
NastyNaus: Wow
NastyNaus: Does Shaq qualify?
Johnny Whitewater: just imagine the goldmine that is Snoop Dizzle's career.
NastyNaus: if he recorded his stuff when he was on the lakers?
Johnny Whitewater: I'm not sure Kazaam should count
Johnny Whitewater: maybe we'll just make a rap genre by crossover athletes/stars.
Johnny Whitewater: For now, we'll keep this to people who actually classify themselves as rappers.
NastyNaus: fair enough
Johnny Whitewater: So I imagine all topic of discussion should start with Snoop
NastyNaus: ya I agree
NastyNaus: any tracks in particular?
Johnny Whitewater: you ever heard Let's Get Blown?
NastyNaus: hmm, pharrell is in it?
NastyNaus: thats ominous
Johnny Whitewater: Indeed.
Johnny Whitewater: Besides, anytime you have two grown black men in a booth concocting a horrible track titled Let's Get Blown, isn't there some sort of homoerotic current going on there?
NastyNaus: and thats not even mentioning pharrell's in it
Johnny Whitewater: jesus, just check out this R&G The Masterpiece tracklisting
Johnny Whitewater: perhaps the whole album could qualify?
NastyNaus: UPS & DOWNS Featuring The Bee Gees
I'd nominate that but I've never heard it
NastyNaus: Does Coolio still count as a rapper?
NastyNaus: Sorry, I'm going for dark horses here
Johnny Whitewater: Oh, Coolio definitely counts
Johnny Whitewater: what about our lil shorty Skee Lo? was that guy West Coast?
Johnny Whitewater: uh, no homo on that last line
NastyNaus: Well
Johnny Whitewater: one thing we have to question is if this crap even qualifies as rap. I mean Snoop's basically singing
NastyNaus: yeah
NastyNaus: What about Xzibit?
Johnny Whitewater: Xzibit's nowhere near as bad as some qualifiers, come on.
NastyNaus: fine
Johnny Whitewater: Throwing Xzibit into the lot is like comparing Fred Smoot to the Packers' secondary
NastyNaus: I was going to nominate his Madden song
NastyNaus: I guess hes disqualified
Johnny Whitewater: that opens up a Pandora's Box of endless possibilities though.
NastyNaus: Ok, lets agree on this
NastyNaus: any track from R&G The Masterpiece?
Johnny Whitewater: I'm having a hard time disputing that right now. I can't harken back far enough into time to debate really bad West Coast music.
Johnny Whitewater: you remember that shit Kurupt put out way back when, that track called "It's Over?"
Johnny Whitewater: I guess that wasn't as bad as Let's Get Blown though.
NastyNaus: Don't remember it
Johnny Whitewater: Maybe E-40 can be a multiple winner? Seeing as how you're the chief expert on our Oakland homie, what's his worst track?
NastyNaus: oh my
NastyNaus: In the interest of time, I'll just pick one
NastyNaus: oh!
NastyNaus: I got it
NastyNaus: E-40 featuring Fabolous, Automatic
Johnny Whitewater: Automatic. What about that makes it fouler than Let's Get Blown?
NastyNaus: here are some lyrics:
NastyNaus:
Cause I don't write nothin down I keep it all in my head, Intellegent
About my business, Memory like an elephant
Chasin' the dream, Suit up for cream
Special represented tactics team, They out for teams
And infared beams, Pointed at domes, backs, and spleens
Fire hydrons, Ambulance sirens, Spittin' licence, Police indicements
Johnny Whitewater: Is Automatic really worse than Big Ballin Wit My Homies, featuring Godzilla?
NastyNaus: Yeah, the beat is out of a nintendo game and it features Fabolous..
Johnny Whitewater: "Memory like an elephant?" I don't know if I can dispute that selection.
Johnny Whitewater: which Nintendo game is it?
NastyNaus: how many other rappers would rhyme "infrared beams" with "tactics team"
NastyNaus: I think Uncle Fester's Revenge or whatever its called
NastyNaus: it sounds kind of like the Inspector Gadget theme
Johnny Whitewater: All right. For the second straight time, you have determined a worse song. Automatic by E-40 it is.

Johnny Whitewater: Well we know the Midwest is gonna be dominated by the St. Lunatics.
NastyNaus: oh you're right
NastyNaus: Does R.Kelly qualify?
Johnny Whitewater: I was definitely on a Shake Ya Tailfeather tip until I saw all those girl on girl action videos with that beat in the background over at kontraband.com
NastyNaus: yeah send me a link to that
Johnny Whitewater: your boy Robert is an R&B mogul.
Johnny Whitewater: don't pretend you haven't seen those videos
NastyNaus: I have but I need to bookmark it...
Johnny Whitewater: Clearly Nelly and Tim McGraw have to be seriously considered.
NastyNaus: yes
NastyNaus: I think a Murphy Lee jam is in order
Johnny Whitewater: Can Nelly and Tim McGraw top that Kelly Rowland and Nelly "hit" from Nellyville?
Johnny Whitewater: Here we were talking about nominating an entire album and it wasn't even Nellyville, with the likes of Hot In Herr and that Kelly song.
NastyNaus: Wait
Johnny Whitewater: Then again, is Nellyville worse than Sweat or Suit? Drop down and get your eagle on grrrl?
NastyNaus: Wasn't there a song in the Osmosis Jones soundtrack from the St.Lunatics?
Johnny Whitewater: what in the hell is Osmosis Jones?
Johnny Whitewater: wait a second, I almost forgot the immaculate Batter Up.
NastyNaus: Here's the soundtrack , it was that cartoon movie with the voice of
Bill Murray
Johnny Whitewater: On the one hand, Batter Up is such a clear choice. But our former Brewer latino Fernando Vina may have saved it from this ominous distinction with that cameo appearance in the video.
NastyNaus: This is a tough choice
Johnny Whitewater: would you agree that Vina's performance in Batter Up rivals Jalen Rose in Move Bitch?
NastyNaus: Surpasses it
Johnny Whitewater: I don't know about that: Rose did get shot at like a few weeks later.
NastyNaus: I think cameos in rap videos is a whole other beast though
Johnny Whitewater: there was something insta street cred about Rose's moving performance.
NastyNaus: I'm listening to Batter Up...I think it just hit a grand slam
NastyNaus: Shall we declare it the victor?
Johnny Whitewater: "The fish don't fry in the kitchen, the beans don't burn on the greeell *THATS RIGHT*. It took a whole lot of terrryin, just to get up that HEEL"
Johnny Whitewater: I don't think that can be topped, and it'd be a hellacious effort to find something that does.
Johnny Whitewater: With that said, I think we have to give honorable mention to Kanye's Workout Plan, for the love of god
NastyNaus: Oh wow, didn't think of that...definitely the runner up

Johnny Whitewater: I guess we're on to the East Coast?
NastyNaus: ok let me think
NastyNaus: yeah
Johnny Whitewater: You have any suggestions? I want to see what you think before I drop my imminent bombshell.
NastyNaus: Eve comes to mind immediately
Johnny Whitewater: Eve and Gwen Stefani? hmmm
Johnny Whitewater: I think I can top this.
NastyNaus: go for it
Johnny Whitewater: remember the Buckshot Clique?
Johnny Whitewater: three words: SMIFF N WESSON
NastyNaus: oh wow
Johnny Whitewater: two more words: COCOA BRUVAZ.
NastyNaus: Man, that didn't cross my mind
NastyNaus: I think you have a winner
Johnny Whitewater: I can't imagine Super Cocoa Bruvaz can be topped
Johnny Whitewater: makes me want to go play Mario Bros right now
NastyNaus: I think they won it by KO

So in summation, we chose Way We Ball Remix by Lil Fip and E-40, Automatic by E-40, Batter Up by the St. Lunatics, and Super Cocoa Bruvaz by Smiff-N-Wesson aka Cocoa Bruvaz. Did we miss anything?

Our very own 1st Team All NBA Uglies entry provided some controversy and debate among readers, making a subsequent 2nd Team and 3rd Team inevitable.

But first we should give a shoutout to the man who inspired us to come up with the team, no homo. The premise of making this team has been out there before, but our current attempts were motivated by Phoenix Suns scrub Paul Shirley, in his little blog about being the Suns 12th man, where he performs such duties as picking up Crispy Cremes for Q and helping the Gorilla put on the outfit.

He found time to discuss his version of the All Ugly Team.

(Incidentally, my version of this year’s team has two members from Minnesota, one from the Milwaukee Bucks, one from the Warriors and one from the Portland Trail Blazers. In the interest of not getting the [crap] kicked out of me, should I actually play in a game against one of these teams, I will keep the exact identities to myself.)

Shirley makes a very good decision in keeping them anonymous. You ever seen this guy?


I wonder if Joe Johnson's teammates ever let him live that one down. Wow.
Now that you've seen Paul Shirley's White Men Can't Jump moment, it's time to get down to business and discuss Shirley's team. I had a discussion about Shirley's picks with Nasty Naus, and the conversation went something like this.

Me: Is there any doubt the Buck is Gadzuric?
Nasty Naus: I was thinking Booth.
Me: Santiago might be a dark horse here too.
Nasty Naus: Look at Booth's head.
Me: I'll give you that. But Gadzuric has a perfect pedigree of ugliness.
Nasty Naus: Well we know one of the Wolves is Cassell. I think the other might be EJ (Ervin Johnson).
Me: What about Troy Hudson?
Nasty Naus: Can't be Hudson.
Me: What do you mean? You seen Hudson's hair?
Nasty Naus: Look at this picture. Hudson's got a nice smile.
(Insert no homo into Nasty Naus's last comment)
Me: This is where you actually gotta watch the games. Hudson's hair is nothing like that.
Nasty Naus: Couldn't it be Spree?
Me: Perhaps, but Hudson's like the uglier Spree. He looks like Beetlejuice from Stern.
Nasty Naus: I was thinking Lil Wayne myself.
Me: What about the Trailblazer? Miles?
Nasty Naus: It's certainly not that superfly pimp Joel Przybilla.
Me: I'd build a case for Patterson, but he's beaten every case he's caught. Besides, his nanny would disagree with me.
Nasty Naus: Didn't Miles hook a chick in one of those movies he's been in?
Me: I'm not sure. But they do got this 7 foot 300 pound Chinese dude with the last name Jin.
Nasty Naus: His picture's not up, probably for the better. I guess Miles it is.
Me: I'm pretty sure the Warrior is Adonal Foyle.
Nasty Naus: Troy Murphy's not turnin heads.
Me: You just want a white guy on the team.
Nasty Naus: What about Baron Davis?
Me: Adonal Foyle is the West Coast's answer to Popeye Jones. And again, have you ever seen this guy's head?
Nasty Naus: Does this picture do Foyle justice?
Me: That's pretty close, but he's even uglier on TV screens.
Nasty Naus: Ok I'm sold.

The two of us agreed on 3/5 of them. Here is what I believe to be Paul Shirley's All Ugly team:



For those scoring at home, that's a backcourt of Sam Cassell and Troy Hudson, with a frontcourt of Darius Miles, Dan Gadzuric and Adonal Foyle.

Meanwhile, Nasty Naus has this group.



That would be Sam and Miles in the backcourt, with a bulked up front line of Calvin Booth, Adonal Foyle, and Ervin Johnson.

We may not have reached consensus, but I am sure of one thing. Nasty Naus likes it big. I'll let him dispel all rumors with his own no homo in the comments section.

Bad News first.

After an extensive conduction of research, I have found that a mere 6-7 people have come across this page while searching for Ciara and Eva Longoria respectively. That's a pitiful amount; we're talkin like a 2:1 pictures/hits ratio for this site.

So here's the good news.

I've obviously gotta do something to fix that, and I think I have an idea.









Should be good for another 8 hits.

During the past 30+ years, the Milwaukee Brewers have almost never served a purpose in the local community. Generally speaking, no payroll, sheisty owners, stadium problems and lack of competition don't really translate into good things. Only diehard Milwaukee baseball fans have a use for the Brewers, and since I've never met one, I can't verify the existence of such a species. At least we're not Chicago: by continuing to set no goals or expectations on the field, the Brewers can't disappoint them.

However, it is that special time of year again, where the weather gets warmer and the words Milwaukee Brewers, undefeated and first place can all be combined into one sentence. This can only mean one thing: it's the perfect time to release my 2nd Annual Rap, dedicated to all the Brewers making meaningful contributions, no homo.

So here is my ode to the underappreciated, unrecognized, underrated, undefeated NL Central Division leading Milwaukee Brewers.

I'm like every other male: always looking for wild foreplay.
All I'm tryin is to round more bases than Lyle Overbay.
Hittin the scenes lookin for a crazy party,
But I won't stop short quite like J.J. Hardy.
Love this because I don't often rip the mic when,
I'm too busy trying to hit the Sheets like Ben.
Here at Bloggystyle we try to make the proceedings lively.
Like a Junior: I'm not talkin Griffey I'm talkin Spivey.
So you all like this little rap hopefully.
I know; I'm not as consistent as Carlos Lee.
But when I'm on, you know it's on for real though.
I'm tryin to knock more outta the park than Cirillo.
And all this so far without a word about Jenkins,
What more can be said about that man I'm left thinkin? (no homo)
Here comes the end; maybe I'll add some more later.
But then I'd have to be able to name one more player.

Sure, Fitz may have a successful home team, but have any of you seen a flawless insertion of Albert Pujols' name in a rhyme?

Now that I have given my full support, maybe these Brewers will venture forth, daring to go where no Brewer has gone in 20 years: success.

Or something like that...

The NBA has the All NBA teams, the East and West All Star teams, the All-Defensive teams ...why no love for the NBA All Uglies? These are guys who, no matter how many millions they make, still can't get laid. Here they are, the only men in the NBA who need an eharmony subscription to get a date.

First Team

C Chris Kaman


Kaman is one of the few nonpimps who can still get the job done inside, as our NBA All Ugly teams will soon be attesting.

PF Calvin Booth


I'm making an educated guess when I say that this Buck has to spend the bucks he makes on the world's oldest profession.

SF Ben Handlogten


Big Ben Handlogten, owner of the strongest right arm in the NBA.

SG Kerry Kittles


"Release the hounds!"

PG Sam Cassell


Sam I Am was constantly maligned for his attitude and never gets the respect he deserves as a player. But on our team, he's all world. Some might even say he's "other worldly".



The second and third teams are on their way. I guarantee they will be a sight not to see.

We're hearing a whole lot of nonsense about the Ponstiff these days, but they never tell us the important stuff.

The Pope was one hell of a card player.

So good, in fact, that he won the World Series of Poker way back in the day.


The Pope may have been Polish, but he has a soft spot in his heart for the Irish.

Either the Vatican isn't fucking around or they're taking this way too far.


Pilgrims watch as the body of the late Pope John Paul II is carried through Saint Peter's Square...

Man, I would have been more than happy to pour out a lil liquor for the guy if he would have made it to November 22. I can't even tell you which date the Pope bought the basilica now.

Talk about no sense of timing.

After all that talk about the Pope touching Jesus H. Christ by night time, it's clear to me that the Vatican was just playing an April Fool's joke on everyone. Not only did J mothereffin P make it past April Fool's Day, but he's not even losing consciousness yet. Besides, how would the Pope get a urinary tract infection? The guy hasn't used his magic stick once in all his 84 years.

There's no doubt in my mind that the Pope's gonna be back in that pimpmobile before we know what's happened.


"Where you goin? NOWHERE!"

After staving off elimination so many times in the past, I'm confident the Pope's got another 8 months in him before he checks out.