Bloggystyle -- The Greatest

In honor of my impending graduation from University, I believe it's a fitting time to reflect back on all of my proudest and finest moments.

Of course, almost none of them involved books.

So, over the course of the next few weeks, beginning with today's selection, I will recount to you all the important things I experienced in the last 5 years of "studies." Since almost none of them involved books, I'll start off with the one that (sorta) did. Study hard kids.

Gunning for the Floor's Beer Bong Record

During the first semester of freshman year, a college student should go through both a school orientation and a drinking orientation. And the beer bong is practically Algebra 101.


We were "orientated" rather quickly in regards to the Algebra 101 of the drinking world, frequently using the beer bong for drinking games.

While most of us limited the beer bong use to 1-2 beers at a time, the guy living next door, who just so happened to turn out to be "The Gimp," was a bit eccentric in his use of drugs and alcohol. On one hazy night, the kid dropped down on one knee and took down 3 beers in a single bong, the floor record.

My roomate was no slouch either, no homo (just in case). If I've come across any alcoholics in my time, he was one of the two. A ridiculously good guitar player majoring in some sort of voodoo music program, the guy clearly was a seasoned drinking pro. You wouldn't believe it looking at the following picture (he's the fag standing up):


I...did...not...take...that...picture...NO...HOMO...

Anyway, one Friday night near the end of the semester, I was doing whatever the fuck I did on early Friday nights before I headed out or chilled. The roomate came back from a long strenuous day of playing guitar or something and grabbed the beer bong. Typically it helps to have someone holding the beer bong up for the drinker, but I wasn't going to oblige, and my help was not wanted anyway. I then watched stunningly as the roomate wedged the beer bong hose through the frame of his loft and then proceeded to keep it in place while bonging a beer.

And then another. And then another. And then another. And then another. And then another. And then another. And then another. And then another. And then another. And then another. And then another. And then another. And then another. And then another. And then another.

The kid had just literally bonged 16 beers right in a row with no commotion on some desolate Friday night where nothing was going on yet. Once it finally started to hit him, it was like a damn avalanche. The kid was going crazy.

Meanwhile, The Gimp had some guys doing whatever they were doing in the room next door, no homo. My roomate saw this and told them that he was just now, after 16 beer bongs, going to attempt to break the floor record of 3 beers in one bong. I knew it was a horrific idea but I was powerless to stop it.

Before I knew it, everyone on our wing of the floor had come into the room to witness this attempt at glory. I don't know how many of these bastards knew that 16 beers had already been imbibed by the numbskull, but they were interested in the freak show regardless. After about 5 minutes of rounding up people, about 10 guys and girls had accumulated in the room to watch this attempt at history.

After his 16th beer bong, I had a sneaking suspicion when he went to the can that he may have tossed some of it up, but either way I could have told everyone what was about to come next. The 4 beers were poured in, and after a lot of hoopla, the roomate started the beer bong.

The typical beer bong takes under 2 seconds. A 2 beer bong could take 5 seconds. The Gimp's 3 beer bong took forever. So when he started at a gradual pace, I was beginning to cast away my doubts.

But when he got about halfway through, the beer bong came flying out of his mouth, no homo, saturating everyone and everything in the room. While that was going on, the kid started puking everywhere, some reaching our trash can, some not. I was thoroughly disgusted, everyone else was laughing and people started to vacate. Eventually I told him to take his sick trash can down to the bathroom and wash it out, which he agreed to do.

While he started walking down the hall toward the can, The Gimp and his crew were leaving. We lived on the 9th floor, so the elevator was a necessity. And the elevator just so happened to be right across from the bathroom.

As those 5-6 guys got into the elevator, the roomate and his big trash recepticle of puke walked by. As the doors were closing, inspiration struck the roomate who wound up and unleashed the can into the elevator, sending a tsunami wave of vomit into the elevator, all over The Gimp and company. Down the hall, I saw this and subsequently laughed uncontrollably for a good 5 minutes in the room next door, giving my abs their best workout in a long time.

But when I finally came to and calmed down, I walked back into my room only to find my roomate scrubbing the floor with my folders and book. I yelled at him, but that's about all I was going to do, given our conflicting blood alcohol levels. By this time, it was close to 11 pm and the roomate was far from done. He began to drink more casually with some guy in the room next door.

I don't remember what I did for the rest of the night but I went to bed around 1 am. As it turns out, my roomate and that other guy (he's the one on the ground in the fag picture, no homo) grabbed a bunch of their toothpastes and started an all out war against each other throughout the dorm and even outside, getting toothpaste all over the place. They then decided they had to shower (separately I hope), and of course while doing so my roomate stole the other kid's towel and brought it back into our room, leading the guy to pound on our doors. Finally my roomate let him in, promptly turning on the lights and I rolled over to the sight of one naked neighbor, major no homo. That asshole then began to spit on me for no reason. No homo to this entire paragraph.

Finally at 4 am, those two bastards passed out, and it was finally a night. And I had to look forward to at least 7 more semesters of this.