Bloggystyle -- The Greatest

I'm sure the Fly Hive will come up with his usual faultless coverage of the events.

In the meantime, I'll let you know the only important result of Oscar night.

The Oscars were televised on ABC, which means that I saw a whole lot of Hillary Skank and a whole lot less of this.





So what have I taught you about Oscar Night?

Nobody's a winner.

I suggest that it be larceny.

Of the last issue of Maxim.


Guess who did the photo shoot?

Being the wiseguy that he is, my roomate plotted to hide this last Maxim magazine from me. Having got his subscription, I asked who was in it and was promptly informed that it was "Country's Hottest Females."

Only through some sneaky sleuth work did I come to find that it was in fact our girl Eva.

Good news all around.

"I do wish I had that gay experience, because I think women are beautiful creatures. They’re much more attractive naked than men. And it sounds like fun. Maybe I’m just holding out for the future."

"I really love sports. There’s something so sexy and masculine when guys rattle off names and statistics. I can listen to them all day long. But if a guy doesn’t like boxing, that’s grounds for a breakup."

How do I apply for Jeff Olson's job?

Windows Media Player was never more important.

Next month: Jennifer Love Hewitt. From caviar to cat food.

Proving once again that anything can make the news.

The Yomiuri said 74 percent of surveyed men and women in their 20s said they believe women can be happy unmarried, while the rate dropped to 66 percent of those in their 30s and 58 percent in their 40s. "The result depicted a tendency among younger generations to remain single, leading observers to the conclusion that the number of people who marry late will further increase and will lower the birthrate," the newspaper said.

I'm not sure why this is considered odd news. It makes perfect sense to me.


A better question to ask would be "Who the hell would marry someone who looked like that?"

If it's possible for Japanese men to get worse news than getting no nookie, it's found in this article.

Underscoring concerns that an aging population may dent future growth in the world's second-largest economy, Japan said Monday that its population grew only 0.05 percent in the year to Oct. 1, its slowest increase in 54 years. Japan's population totaled an estimated 127,687,000 as of Oct. 1, 2004.

For a country that's always been hellbent on imperialism and Asian domination, this can only mean one thing.


"Time to invade Manchuria again."

Literally.

Pope John Paul II is breathing on his own and is not suffering from pneumonia, the Vatican said Friday, taking pains to cast his condition in a positive light a day after he was rushed to a hospital and underwent surgery to ease another breathing crisis.

As anyone who reads BC dot C knows, a massive contest with an important award is underway in predicting when the Pope decides to trade in the Popemobile for a more stationary device, like a coffin.

Your's truly, sensing the important historical significance of high profile Catholic deaths, chose November 22. After all, if JP's going to move up the hierarchy of notable Catholics, he may as well try to eclipse JFK.

But before that can happen, JP needs to hold on for his sake and mine. I have to admit that my chances of poppin tags seems unlikely now, but one piece of visual evidence still has my confidence up.


"Gosh I'm gully."

Does that look like a man ready to meet his Maker?

Meanwhile, the Ponstiff's latest bolstering of Rome's hospital budgets has Catholics concerned. And this article confirms what many of us already suspected: Catholics are lunatics.

The carved marble monument to Pope Sylvester II, who ruled the Catholic church 1,000 years ago, is said to moisten when the death of a Pontiff is imminent.

On Friday, a priest touched the carving in Rome's Basilica of Saint John Lateran and confirmed it was dry -- good news for the Pope, who underwent windpipe surgery on Thursday after being rushed to hospital with breathing problems.

In the sacristy of Saint John Lateran, the Pope's "second cathedral" for his role as bishop of Rome, two elderly Italian nuns in grey habits said the monument's prophesying power was well documented.

"It sweats when the death of a Pope is approaching," one of them said. They did not give their names.

"The stone cries. It's true, it has happened. There are people who have seen it," the other nun added. Both said they did not know anyone who had witnessed the phenomenon.

The way JP has risen from the ashes like a phoenix Lazarus style time and again, that thing has probably cried more in the last year than Angela from the last Road Rules.

Anytime you've been relegated to reviewing albums that are nearing 10 years old, it's most likely an extended rap drought. Sure, Game's album came out in mid-late January, but everybody with ears heard that shit in early January.

Since then, no high profile album has dropped. Technically one still hasn't, but 50's leaked at least. Since I'm not a fan of 50 and I wasn't a fan of Get Rich Or Die Trying, the fact that I haven't been able to do a new review lately is just about the only reason I wanted to hear this.

Also, I apparently got the leak a day or two late, so I have already heard that this album blew donkey choad. In his review, Bol rips 50 to shreds, but in that review he also states that he likes 50 as an MC more than The Game. Personally, I think that's completely insane. To me, 50 is the Michael Ruffin to Game's Michael Redd. Call me an asshole, but 50's mumbling gets to me, and I don't care if he can't help it.

Intro

One thing I really hate about intros is that they can get in the way of a good song or a good album. But since this is 50, I don't really have to worry about that. So when a chick gets taken out Valentine Day Massacre style in the intro, it's probably a highlight.

In My Hood

Many times I ask myself if 50 Cent even heard the damn beat before he made his verse. 50 sings like a bitch on the hook, basically the same thing he dissed Ja Rule for. As for his rhymes, he's basically a crappy Lloyd Banks, like the diarrhea to Banks's massive log.

The beat? Blah.

This Is 50

THIS IS 50? What is 50 doing on a 50 album?!? Bol notes that "little drum roll from the beginning of Biggie's "Things Done Changed" at the start of this track. But before you could even get "Back in the day" outta your mouth, you'll be interrupted by some 50 mumbling.

I like this beat better than the first. But much like giving a max contract to Tim Thomas, no good results from it anyway.

I'm Supposed To Die Tonight

Please fulfill that prophecy already.

Piggy Bank

For a guy who's portraying the ultra thug, that is just the pussiest name for a rap song ever.

Unfortunately, since 50 titled this the Piggy Bank, it means the hook includes lyrics like "CLICKETY CLANK CLICKETY CLANK MONEY GOES INTO MY PIGGY BANK." It's actually a shame because he actually throws a decent diss at Ja (Got 100 guns 100 clips/why I hear no shots?), a diss at Fat Joe's Ass Crack (That fat nigga thought Lean Back was In Da Club / My shit sold 11 mil, his shit was a dud). Then he says he'll do to Jada what Jay Z did to Mobb Deep. 50 must have forgotten that Jay Z actually had to rap and rhyme nice to do that.

It's hard to blame 50 for making these disses, but if sales were a measure of quality, none of these guys have ever had a thing on MC Hammer anyway. I don't care if everybody on this planet but me had 50's album, he would still suck, no homo.

Then 50 throws shots at Shyne, and a small one at Nas. At this point, 50's basically just looking for a reason to be considered relevant in the rap game.

Gatman & Robin (featuring Marshall)

The Batman theme has already been used on Aftermath for the Em Show. And since that track (I think it was Business?) got played 10 million fuckin times on the radio that year, forgive me if I don't want to hear this stuff.

With that said, Marshall drops an impressive verse, although it's somewhat hard to hear over the beat. After obviously getting embarassed on his own track, it's actually humorous to hear 50 try to keep up in the following verse. He's able to keep up Marshall's pace for about 3 bars before having to slow down. Blame it on that mumble I guess.

Candy Shop

What's the only thing worse than Magic Stick? Another version of it. Except this one's inferior, if that's even possible. Since anybody who sees this page has certainly been subjected to the 50 Cent Trademarked Torture that is this garbage, I guess I'll talk about the video.

There's nothing really interesting about the video. Sure, the girls are hot and all, but when you watch MTV Jams for 10 hours a day, Franklin Roosevelts actually begin to look like Thomas Jeffersons.

Anyway, at the very end, 50, 2 hoes and another cat are sitting on a couch. Except the other guy's not Lloyd Banks, or Buck or Game or Dre or Marshall. It's freakin Lil Scrappy. Recently I read rumors that Scrappy's going to (or already did) sign with G-Unit, which would be the worst news I've heard this year. On the Coach Carter soundtrack, Scrappy and Game do a track together, so it's not farfetched.

Intermission

Ok, so there's no actual intermission at this point. But I dare you to listen to 6 50 tracks in a row! And then consider that there are like 13 left on this album. I feel like an indentured servant.

Out Of Control

"I take em to ecstasy / without ecstasy." "Can you feel it? / Em said for me to make you feel it / and to remind you that you rockin with the Realest."

Seriously Bol, is this better than The Game?

Get In My Car

That last track was produced by Dre. It simply wasn't a very good beat. At least he saved the good stuff for The Game.

This beat is an ok changeup. Basically this track is just about telling girls that they aren't worth shit, and a pickup line's not even needed for 50, who tells the hoes to just get in the ride.

Ski Mask Way

50 borrows some more from Biggie. Maybe the boys at Aftermath realized how ridiculous it is to diss someone for biting Pac while they're doing the same damn thing. Especially when 50 got on a track with the Hail Mary beat and made a verse of all Pac lyrics from Against All Odds. So they've moved onto Biggie instead.

Baltimore Love Thing

50 tries to tell a story in this track, where he's rapping from the point of view of drugs. Obviously this has nothing on most of the tracks in this subgenre, like I Gave You Power or Me And My Girlfriend.

But 50 got one thing right. An overdose of what he's offering might actually kill me. No homo.

Ryder Music

I can't figure out why the softest beat and softest hook on this album was put on a track titled Ryder Music.

Listening to this hook makes it so obvious that 50 has absolutely no sense of flow or matching a beat. And for god's sake, that mumble. He talks about black dudes being on his dick, but it sounds more like he's got their's in his mouth. No homo.

Disco Inferno

I think this is the best beat on the album so far. Not that it matters. 50's lyrics are so elementary that Lil Bow Wow and Jermaine Dupri probably would have laughed him out of the studio.

Just A Lil Bit

Not to sound racist, but I have a "tracks with Asian beats" quota on my playlist. Right now it's filled by Masta Killa and Wu-Tang. Fat chance knocking any of those off anytime soon.

Gunz Come Out

Is that Marshall on the hook? It doesn't really matter who it is because it's pretty obnoxious anyway.

This beat's pretty good, but it's obvious that the production on Get Rich Or Die Trying is considerably better as a whole than this album. And even then it wasn't good enough for me to want to replay that album.

My Toy Soldiers

What in the fuck is the premise of this track? At least Marshall's Toy Soldiers reference was relevant to the basis of the track. The only thing I can think of is that 50's referring to his crew as his toy soldiers.

At that point, I realized I put more thought into trying to figure this out than 50 did to craft the track anyway.

Position of Power

This is like My Toy Soldiers Part 2. 50's telling us that he's the general who can give orders to shoot.

Instead of being Toy Soldiers Part 2, I guess it's really just the "I am a hard mofo track part 16." I still can't believe rap careers can be made out of making the same song over and over again.

Build You Up

This track comes only a few tracks after we were told that 50 only orders women to get in the car. This track comes about a dozen tracks or something after Candy Shop.

Man this is terrible. I didn't know 50 even had this bad in him.

God Gave Me Style

I read somewhere that this was a cover. I think his first verse was about as lyrical as 50 gets on this album. Not that the verse is impressive or particularly good or anything, but it is what it is.

So Amazing

The same bitch in Candy Shop is on this track again. So the only good thing that can come from this track is that there might be another video with her pouring chocolate on another girl.

I Don't Need 'Em

The interesting beat aside, which you obviously had nothing to do with anyway, we certainly don't need you either.

Hate It Or Love It Remix

Yes, this track was on The Documentary. 50's verse on that track was good for him. And when 50 does a little jig on the hook, even that turns out ok, no homo.

How fitting that for a remix on 50's album, The Game is the one doing a new verse and he kills 50 again. the rest of G Unit pitch in too. 50 changes one line among his two verses for this "remix." If that's not the definition of mailing it in, what the hell is?

I can't believe how bad 50 is. I can't believe how much 50 sells. Hopefully the jig is up after this dump they call an album, no homo.

Because if people objectively judged The Massacre, the only thing it should kill is Curtis Jackson's time behind the mic. The 10 seconds it took to transfer this album to my recycling bin was my best use of time today.

Since Chauncey Billups only hits us up with a new entry like once every week or two, this site might be a replacement.

When it comes to investigative journalism, this one can't be topped.

Los Angeles Laker basketball star Kobe Bryant has claimed that former Laker center Shaquille O’Neill once told him that the big man had carnal knowledge with a marmoset, a pair of wombats and a walrus.

Shaquille O'Neal: admitted fan of Captain Kangaroo.

But Kobe wasn't done with the character assassinations at that point.

McGrady once told him that he enjoyed covering himself with crunchy peanut butter and grape jelly and having three or four hotel maids "clean the plate," as he supposedly referred to it.

Why do your teammates call you Skippy?

When it comes to seamlessly inserting Keira Knightley photos, or covering the awards shows, The Hive has that niche dominated.

But The Hive also tends to outsource into different topics, and Flyno apparently writes a music review column for some Mormons. But his review of Me Against The World was like a cry for help.

It's alright, but isn't anything close to All Eyez On Me. I can't believe that some people think that this is Pac's best album. I'm not a huge 2Pac fan anyway, and this album definitely didn't help that.

All right Flyno. It's time for you to clear out and let a professional take care of this one.

Intro

Pac got shot in November 94. For the next 90 seconds you will hear a whole gang of news reporters tell us that fact, one after the other, black/white/male/female etc. Wonderful.

If I Die 2Nite

This is still the only rap track I've ever heard that focuses on alliteration. Pac drops tongue twisters like "Picturin pitiful punk niggas coppin pleas" and "Picture perfection pursuin paper with a passion" over an interesting beat. This song would become famous because journalists would use this track's title to talk about Pac foreshadowing his death in September 96.

Me Against The World

The title track didn't make Flyno's Top 3. The introduction of a few of the Outlawz aside, I am still in disbelief.

With all this extra stressin
The question I wonder is after death, after my last breath
When will I finaly get to rest? Through this oppression
they punish the people that's askin questions
And those that possess, steal from the ones without possesions
The message I stress: to make it stop study your lessons
Don't settle for less - even the genius asks questions

Well I guess the bitch on the hook can get obnoxious, but this is an egregious oversight nonetheless.

So Many Tears

A nice sample of Stevie Wonder. The dregs at Murder Inc. are obsessed with this track, and The Pledge Remix with Nas Ja and Ashanti samples a bunch of Pac. The Pledge Remix was one horrible song, back in the day when Nas had just dropped Stillmatic and was flirting with joining the Murder Inc crew, no homo (I think). Those were trying days for me, but Nas came to his senses.

But I digress. This track is incredible. Certainly better than Temptations (one of Flyno's favorites). Look at the last verse on this track:

Lord knows I.. tried, been a witness to homicide
Seen drivebys takin lives, little kids die
Wonder why as I walk by
Broken-hearted as I glance at the chalk line, gettin high
This ain't the life for me, I wanna change
But ain't no future right for me, I'm stuck in the game
I'm trapped inside a maze
See this Tanqueray influenced me to gettin crazy
Disillusioned lately, I've been really wantin babies
so I could see a part of me that wasn't always shady
Don't trust my lady, cause she's a product of this poison
I'm hearin noises, think she fuckin all my boys, can't take no more
I'm fallin to the floor; beggin for the Lord to let me in
to Heaven's door -- shed so many tears

Temptations

This made Flyno's Top 3. I wouldn't go that far but this track's nice. Pac was locked up by the time Me Against The World dropped. When it debuted at #1, Pac became the first artist to have a #1 album while incarcerated. More importantly, the video for this track came out when Pac was locked up, so they got a bunch of high profile rappers to cameo in this video.

At the beginning, Ice T and Coolio argue about whether or not they just saw Pac. Coolio's a hotel scrub delivering room service, and since this is a sex song, Coolio peeps in while the likes of Treach, Salt N Pepa and various others are playing strip poker or banging etc.

Young Niggaz

Pac dedicates this to Robert "Yummy" Sanderford and all the "young Gs caught up in the struggle." Sanderford was a teenage gang banger who got popped at the age of 13. Basically Sanderford was the premise for every Pac track of this type (including Shorty Wanna Be A Thug).

This is a really laid back track with a fast delivery and a different message than usual. Where else will you hear a rapper tell the kids to be an accountant or a lawyer?

Heavy In The Game

What the hell is with rappers insisting on throwing terrible sounding reggae into tracks? Heavy In The Game is easily the worst track on this album. I dare you to try listening to this track for all 5 minutes without grabbing a blunt instrument and knocking yourself out cold.

Lord Knows

This track's even got a nice beat for you Fly! Lyrically this is probably below average on the album, but the simple hook and the emotional delivery does wonders.

Dear Mama

This was probably Pac's most famous track until California Love. It also made Fly's Top 3. I don't know what more can be said about this track that hasn't already been said. I get sick of the hook real fast though.

It Ain't Easy

Some people like this beat. Kenny Bloggins can't stand it. I guess I'm on the fence. But this track has intangibles, like a serious verse where Pac raps about talking on the phone with Mike Tyson and getting important advice on life from the champ. And it wasn't even a joke!

Bill Clinton can you recognize a nigga representin
Doin twenty to life in San Quentin
Gettin calls from my nigga Mike Tyson, ain't nuttin nice
Yo 'Pac, do something righteous witcha life
And even thou you innocent you still a nigga, so they figure
Rather have you behind bars than triggers

Somehow I just can't see Iron Mike saying that shit. But the two of them were real tight, thus the reason Pac attended that Tyson-Seldon fight in Vegas on September 7, 1996.

Can U Get Away

This is a soft track about Pac trying to get a woman to leave an abusive relationship. Unless you like these types of tracks, this one's probably the 2nd worst track on the album.

Old School

Throughout this track, Pac basically gives extended shoutouts to the Old School, New York rappers.

I remember Mr. Magic, FLASH, Grandmaster Caz
LL raisin hell but, that didn't last
Eric B. & Rakim was, the shit to me
I flip to see a Doug E. Fresh show, with Ricky D
and Red Alert was puttin in work, with Chuck Chill
Had my homies on the hill gettin ill, when shit was real
Went out to steal, remember Raw, with Daddy Kane
when De La Soul was puttin Potholes in the game

An interesting sidenote about this track is that Pac gives LL a backhanded compliment and apparently the two started trading subliminal disses, and also had an incident at an awards show that LL was hosting. Eventually, after Pac was shot and Biggie dropped "Who Shot Ya," which Pac took as a diss, LL dropped "I Shot Ya" on his next album. In a bunch of unreleased tracks, Pac goes ballistic on LL, but nothing really came of it, for obvious reasons.

Fuck The World

This track, like this album, wasn't made in a vacuum. This track is just vintage venting. This one wouldn't make a Top 3 list for anybody who has ears.

Death Around The Corner

Another title that invariably gets mentioned about Pac foreshadowing death in 96. But this one's interesting for a different reason.

In the early 90s, before he got shot in 94, Pac was tight with Randy "Stretch" Walker of the Live Squad. Stretch did a bunch of production for Pac, including Pain and Holler If Ya Hear Me. Every once in awhile, Stretch dropped a verse on Pac tracks as well.

When Pac was stuck up and shot by assailtants in a recording studio in 94, he blamed the Bad Boy Crew. During the stick up, nobody went for Stretch's shit, so Pac began to suspect that Stretch may have been involved. Then, when Pac was locked up for most of 95, Stretch was running with Biggie and that pissed him off. Pac and Stretch sorta went their separate ways, until Stretch was killed on November 30, 1995 in a drive by, one year to the day that Pac was shot.

On this track, Stretch apparently had a verse, but since they were no longer tight, Pac took his verse off and did the 3rd one in his place. But throughout most of that verse, Pac does a spot on imitation of Stretch, from the voice to the flow, that's absolutely surreal for anyone who listens to a lot of Pac/Stretch work (like myself).

Outlaw

This is pretty much the only track where he explicitly discusses the robbery in 94.

Before I close my eyes I fantasize I'm livin well
when I awake and realize I'm just a prisoner in hell
Just as well, cause in my cell I'm keepin pictures of these bastards
Excersisin, visualizin, everyone inside a casket
Picture me blasted, surrounded by niggaz in masks
Sent with the task to harass and murder my ass
Will I last? Heaven or Hell? Freedom or jail?
Shit's hard, who can you tell? And if we fail?

Once again we get a couple of the Outlawz, one of which, Kadafi, was about 16 when this track was made.

In addition to being an uncontested classic, the situation surrounding Pac during the creation of the album was so hectic that it was amazing he could make material for an album, let alone an incredible one. In addition to being on trial for a crime that he didn't commit, he was shot on the 30th, sentenced to jail the next day, and he felt that his friends turned on him while he was inside, where he was being told that they were also involved. He also felt that Biggie's debut album was basically stealing his style for Me Against The World, so Pac went back and changed it around and added new shit (like Outlaw).

And I'll be damned if the finished product wasn't better than All Eyez On Me.

Dubya recently made the news by talking about his time in Scotland, where that very British influence had a clear effect on him.

Sure, he's said funny things before, but Bush made a startling confession to British journalists only months after the religious whacko homophobes down South won him a second term.

The president disclosed his presence in Scotland as a youth in talking to European journalists during a round-table interview on Friday looking ahead to his Europe trip next week.

He added: "I worked [on a sheep farm]as a 14-year-old kid. And I'm...taking this one sheep, you know, from here to there and I said OK, fine, and a big tour bus stops. And they got off and a woman with a Texas accent said, 'look at the little Scottish boy.'"

But before you think the worst, Bush assures us about one minor detail:

"I kept my mouth shut," he said.

Sadly, there was even more to this story than I initially imagined.

Dubya doesn't just prefer the company of mammals when Laura's unavailable. He also has no problem with the menfolk.

"I swear I thought he'd use his tongue," said Liam of his recent encounter with US President George W Bush.

"I'd gone over to pay him the 20 cents I owed him since he defeated Iraq in less than a month, and he was just desperate for a smooch.

"Lucky for me, he was prepared to pay for the privilege. I ended up 80 cents on the deal."

This is what America gets for keeping Dixieland in the Union.

I thought I had seen or heard it all until now.

The adolescent boys, from a remote region near the border with Uganda, were mutilated after being given drugged food or drink by strangers.

"They had attacked them to cut off their penises to sell ... for making a type of potion which according to a local belief cures AIDS," Doctor Pedro Cavadas, from the Levante Rehabilitation Center told radio station Cadena Ser.

Obviously this wasn't going to solve the AIDS issue. But still, I can think of one black man who this should be tried on.



One of the Kenyan boys suffered other injuries.

One of the boys also lost an ear trying to fend off his attackers after regaining consciousness during the mutilation.

Suspects aren't named in this article, but I may have a lead.



But before anybody makes stereotypes about Kenyans, Spanish doctors assure us that "The practice of mutilating the penises of virgin boys is not a tradition among Kenyan tribes."

And while Marky Mark may not be challenged for the Dirk Diggler throne by these kids, the doctors are optimistic for their prognosis.

"They are fantastic, happy, their faces have changed and their lives have changed. They don't have to use a catheter ... and they can live like children, messing around and being naughty."

Uh, no homo?

Yahoo's got an article about a kissing school where this foul beast pictured below will teach couples how to kiss properly.

Psychotherapist Cherie Byrd, 56, got the idea for teaching kissing classes while dating a man who was a horrible kisser.

"Yuck. He was clumsy, unskilled and half-hearted," Byrd said. "I told him if he wanted the relationship to continue he had to let me teach him to kiss."

The boyfriend didn't last, but Byrd, a self-described "luscious kisser," said that gave her the idea to teach the art and craft of kissing to other couples. Since 1998, more than 500 couples have paid $275 to learn Byrd's secrets for giving or receiving a passionate kiss.

275 bucks?!?!

I can teach a girl how to kiss in 3 words: Don't use teeth.

In addition to giving everyone a reason to look at this site today, this is the greatest thing I've seen all week.

Just don't forget your sense of humor.



Sure, it's not her best outing, but DAVID SPADE?!? She's posing with David Spade? And after that whole JC Chasez fiasco? What's with the washed up has beens?

If I dropped out of school and stalked her, would that make me eligible for Eva's requirements?

Despite panning Diplomatic Immunity II, those who know me are all too aware that I do in fact listen to a bunch of the Diplomats and their self described "powerful music."

When I say Diplomats, I mean Juelz and Cam. Why? Because Jim Jones is pretty much one of the worst rappers of all time. I have never seen anybody besides another Diplomat say anything good about Jim Jones.

What do the Diplomats say about Jim Jones? Most specifically, I guess they call him the Capo of the Dipset crew. But best of all, Juelz claims that Jim Jones has been "labeled and known as a young Pac to the public," which is sort of like equating Kevin Eubanks with Jimi Hendrix.

Still, I've actually been trying to think of something to say about Jim Jones that isn't a total diss.

What did I come up with? Jim Jones is far and away the greatest rapper to ever eat cereal in a music video.


There is documented visual evidence that Jim Jones eats his Wheaties

Well after coming up with the start of the rapper version of "Breakfast Club," I'm trying to fill out my roster of rappers that eat cereal in their videos.

Here's my top 3:

#1: Jim Jones - Jim Jones can't rap but he can fill his mouthful of cereal in that Certified Gangstas video. Maybe this explains why he's always mumbling.

#2: J-Kwon - This rap rookie is only 17 but he puts down Corn Pops like a seasoned veteran in the Hood Hop video.

#3: Pharrel - As you can see, my stable of rap stars fell off harder than Superman and his horse. If Pharrell's testosterone was proportional to the amount of Cocoa Puffs he eats in one of those Clipse videos, maybe he wouldn't sound like he's constantly getting buttrammed by that Chinese dude in the Neptunes.

Clearly my list is not entirely comprehensive, but this is a good start. If any of you can come up with any notable additions, please do so. Because as it stands now, my roster is starting to look like a shittier version of D12, if that's possible.

That hit counter on the sidebar allows me to see from what sites people are coming to this site from. Since almost nobody comes to this site, I can visit them in turn.

Most of the people visiting this site are coming from the usual suspects that I have already linked to as well. But most recently, I've found that Bloggystyle is the "blog addiction" for the author of Drink Yellow Snow. I'll just extend a major no homo to that guy for him. I hope.

Anyway, why do people come to this site? I should have realized it had nothing to do with my writing, and everything to do with this:

He likes Eva. I like Eva, everyone should like Eva.

Good point.


I'm all about pleasing my readers, no homo.

Another site that has decided to link to me is Brown Cardigans. Without explanation, I'm on the list of links.

This is what this guy listens to for music:

weezer - weezer
the daniel woods birthday mix - various
white people - handsome boy modelling school
the unseen - quasimoto

To say that's not exactly my favorite music is an understatement. So I think I can make an educated guess as to why he is coming here.


Thanks for the links. Please come again, no homo.

I was considering making an entry about Kanye's stupid Grammy antics, but I'm sure Bol Guevara, the world's only Kanyegate professional, will touch on the whole Kanye thing eventually, no homo.

Besides, you would never believe where a Semisonic sighting would occur. No, not a one hit wonder list or program, and no not I Love The 90s.

Apparently the New York Times had no shame in letting one of those assclowns tell us how to watch the Grammys "like a pro."

You might remember Semisonic for its "big hit" Closing Time, which may as well have been talking about their careers. Instead, it's about bars and drinking. I don't think a white person has ever made a good song with the theme being about alcohol. Closing Time might be the pinnacle for white people in that category, but it certainly can't mess with Alkaholic by X to the Z and company.

Anyway, it was bad enough that they dusted off a Semisonic guy to do an article, but then he titles it "How to Watch the Grammys Like a Pro." The only thing this guy is professional at is being a no talent hack bum.

Six years ago, I was suddenly promoted from a guy who made weird faces behind a drum set to an eligible Grammy bachelor. "Closing Time," the big hit from my band, Semisonic, was nominated for best rock song. Though it had already faded from the charts, the moment was intoxicating

Of course, my memory served me right. This guy doesn't have to make faces to look weird.


Jacob Slichter: the antithesis of everything rock n roll.

But as I was plotting an impeccable getup and wondering whom to invite, my carriage turned back into a pumpkin. Technically, only Dan Wilson, my bandmate and the writer of the song, had been nominated. The show was sold out, and even if our bassist, John Munson, and I could find tickets, they would cost our record label, MCA Records, several hundred dollars apiece.

I thought this was supposedly an intoxicating moment. Talk about teh ghey.

By the time what most people know as the Grammys begins, at least 95 of the 107 sealed envelopes will have been opened during an afternoon ceremony.

So the guy writes an article titled "How To Watch The Grammys Like A Pro" and then informs us that anybody watching will miss about 90% of the Grammys. That's not exactly Mr. Pink type professionalism.

Losers applaud wistfully and then find their way to the bar in the lobby (as my bandmates and I did in 1999, shortly after Alanis Morissette won the best rock song award for "Uninvited").

How do you lose a rock song award to ALANIS MORISSETTE? If I managed something like that, I would have done the only honorable thing. I think the Japanese call it hari kari or something. Even the Milli Vanilli guy knew what he had to do and that guy was the embodiment of fraud!

When they're not on stage tonight, Stevie Wonder, Brian Wilson, Billy Preston and Bonnie Raitt might be seated in the front rows, an intimidating sight for younger performers.

Ok, I'll give this guy props for finding a way to incorporate the words Stevie Wonder, intimidating and sight all in one sentence.

At the end of this unbearable article, we are hit with a plug.

Jacob Slichter is the author of the memoir "So You Wanna Be a Rock & Roll Star."

Gotta be an autobiography.

What do you call a basketball league where Dan Gadzuric averages 12 points, 9 rebounds and 2 blocks a game? No, not imaginary or make believe. Call it a fantasy simulation league.

Perhaps nothing can demonstrate my basketball saavy better than the fact that I'm managing the Milwaukee Bucks, with their actual roster, and am currently in 1st place in a division with the Pacers and Pistons.


Retards know how to ball

On that note, for those who have somehow gone their whole lives without hearing Steven Lynch's "Special Olympics," I definitely suggest downloading it.

Homos from Germany are going ballistic because a zoo is doing the unthinkable. Adding some penguin bitches to a group of potentially gay pigeons.

A plan by a German zoo to test the sexual appetites of a group of suspected homosexual penguins has sparked outrage among gay and lesbian groups, who fear zookeepers might force them to turn straight.

"All sorts of gay and lesbian associations have been e-mailing and calling in to protest," said a spokesman for the zoo in the northwestern city of Bremerhaven on Friday.

He said the zoo concluded the penguins might be gay after seeing male penguins trying to mate with other males and trying to hatch offspring out of stones.

I say these things wouldn't be male if a lack of females didn't drive them crazy.

German media reported that female Swedish penguins would be brought to the zoo to test the theory, but when word got out about the plan, the phones started ringing.

I never thought I'd say something like this: but can't these fruits stop meddling around and just go back to their regularly scheduled fudgepacking?


"So Homo."

In the United States, people riot in response to white guys beating the everloving shit out of black guys.

In Great Britain, people riot because they are too eager to get a goddam sofa.

Dozens of officers were backed up by fire engines and ambulances as tempers raged in Edmonton, North London. One woman lost consciousness and many more were injured.

Thousands turned up to grab special offers, like a sofa for £45.

As the Swedish-owned store flung open its doors at midnight the crowd surged in. Terrified staff had to bolt the doors again after just half an hour.

Sadly, some people were unable to get that prized davenport that would accentuate the living room. Those individuals got up their Watts style mentality.

Customers, many who had queued for 13 hours, were furious at missing the giveaway. Some tried to smash doors open.

Others tried in vain to escape the crush. Those inside battled over furniture.

Kirk Rutter, 33, from Dagenham, Essex, said: "It was a stampede. They were like animals. I saw women punching women and men threatening children."

Now before I continue to bash the Brits, this article poignantly points out that a similar situation happened when the same store opened in Saudi Arabia. But I think that may have been due to women running into each other because they were blinded by their veils.


Wearing that thing makes plenty of sense, if you ever wonder what it's like to be Helen Keller.


"I hear there's a special on couches at IKEA. Henri Paul, get me over there as fast as possible!"

I'm sick and tired of big name Hollywood actors who get all the publicity. Especially when the greatest actor of all time can't even be named by the common American. It takes a true connoisseur (and yes I had to go to dictionary.com to check the spelling) like me to appreciate the art of acting. Granted, my certifications in this field are quite limited. In fact, my only certification is being Greek, but since we started this shit like 2500 years ago, it takes one to know one.

But I digress. I decided last night after watching this individual's work that someone must credit this man for everything he has done for the industry. After looking at his filmography, it was then that I realized this was the greatest actor of all time.

By now you must be wondering who this man is. But first, I just want to illustrate the diversity of this man's abilities. This guy has played roles in which his characters are straight, gay, and questionable. He has played the outrageously dumb to the mindnumbingly brilliant. This man will play any character with no shame. This man's writing accomplishments range from Boy Meets World to Mad TV.

This man is Stephen Hibbert. But to his most affectionate fans (no homo), he is known simply as "The Gimp."

In terms of one's influence on Americana and pop culture, The Gimp knows no equals, as I will clearly demonstrate later. So what if Brad Pitt can look angry and kill people for 2 straight hours as Achilles? So what if Colin Farrell can conquer the world in a few hours as Alexander The Great? Those are easy parts.


Who cares if Johnny Depp can play a pirate? Does he have his own Sims' skin?


Go ahead, give Travolta and Samuel L all the Pulp Fiction credit. But I don't see them here.


No, this isn't that Gimp. It's this Gimp.

Of course, a man of The Gimp's caliber is hardly restricted to just that one immaculate role. The Gimp also starred in Austin Powers 2, which was the only funny one in the trilogy (and it's not up for debate). In this one, The Gimp convincingly plays an unconvincing character: the "inept magma chamber guard." I'm sure I don't have to remind anyone who reads this page about that scene of the movie. But if you're still not ready to give The Gimp the benefit of the doubt, just remember that he got flashed by Heather Graham, giving him a rarified status that just about everyone on planet Earth must envy.

And that's not all. The Gimp starred in Cat In The Hat. Some actors will only relegate themselves to big budget movies. After being in one of the best movies ever made, The Gimp's not afraid to throw his weight behind another that isn't worth a turd sandwich. I guess that makes him the greatest supporting actor of all time too.

The Hollywood bigwigs might try to forget that this man's name has seen the light of day. But at least here at Bloggystyle, this man's sacrifice and dedication to the film industry shall never again go unnoticed.

Anytime I'm going to a sports related website and am directly linked to something about Al Qaeda and Hamas, it's not a good thing.

So imagine my surprise when I found out that Hakeem "The Dream" Olajuwon's mosque provided $80,000 to Al Qaeda and Hamas, two of the vilest forms of filth on the planet.

"There is no way you can go back in time," Olajuwon said in a telephone interview from Jordan, where he is studying Arabic. "After the fact, now they have the list of organizations that are banned by the government."

Why did Hakeem hang up this jersey?


So he could don this one. What a role model.


Once again, we're going after the wrong black guy.

I can only think of one solution. Send Hakeem Olajuwon and his ilk to Guantanamo Bay. Let's throw in Sharif Abdur-Rahim just because he's another black Muslim and he's been a fantasy basketball disaster on top of it.

If the Oklahoma Senator wants cockfights story wasn't bad enough, witness the Oklahoma justice system at work.

Jurors and others in Judge Donald Thompson's courtroom kept hearing a strange whooshing noise, like a bicycle pump or maybe a blood pressure cuff. During one trial, Thompson seemed so distracted that some jurors thought he was playing a hand-held video game or tying fly-fishing lures behind the bench.

If only...

The explanation, investigators say, is even stranger than some imagined: The judge had a habit of masturbating with a penis pump under his robe during trials.

Police built a case against the judge after one of Wall's officers testified during a 2003 murder trial. From the witness stand, the officer saw a piece of plastic tubing disappear under Thompson's robe. During a lunch break, officers took photographs of the pump under the desk.

Investigators later collected carpet samples, Thompson's robes and the chair from behind the bench, and found semen, according to court records.

Would you let someone who looked like this judge anything?

It's times like these that make me wish the South won the Civil War. Since we won't be lucky enough to get another chance to split away from the South, the only course of action left for a true patriot like me is to petition the powers that be to dissolve Oklahoma's ties to the Union. So if you're a concerned American, sign my petition to kick Oklahoma out of the United States.


Oklahoma: the "sooner" they leave the better.

I guess it's a good thing that some dipshits don't reproduce. Or can't.

Geoff Huish, 26, was so convinced England would win Saturday's match he told fellow drinkers at a social club, "If Wales win I'll cut my balls off," the paper said.

Friends at the club in Caerphilly, south Wales, thought he was joking.

But after the game Huish went home, severed his testicles with a knife, and walked 200 yards back to the bar with the testicles to show the shocked drinkers what he had done.

Shocking? In the British Isles, nothing is shocking.

Someone let The Gimp outta his box and he got off his leash. He's moved out of Maynard's and crawled on over to Blogz Mansion. He has been asking for a shoutout, so here it is. Go ahead and peep the spot "where blogs go when they die."

An aspiring actress in NYC by the name of Nicole duFresne was shot and killed last week during a mugging. Why this made Yahoo's top news is beyond me.

So anyway, how does a cute little white actress get herself smoked in New York City?

It was there that Nicole duFresne, a young actress who had moved to the city two years earlier, angrily confronted a group of teenage muggers who had just pistol-whipped her fiance, police said. "What are you going to do, shoot us?" she reportedly demanded.

I think I speak for Homer Simpson and just about everyone else by saying "D'oh!." I understand that us white people typically don't strap ourselves while walking around, but Ms. duFresne quickly found out what guns are used for:

A gunman fired one shot in response, killing DuFresne, police said. As the muggers fled, her stunned fiance cradled her head in his arms, kissing her goodbye.

The loss simply couldn't be measured by this picture.

I'm here to deliver a can't miss Super Bowl Preview. By now, you've heard enough about Xs and Os. I'll be breaking down the exes and hoes.

Coach: Andy Reid vs. Bill Can't Spell His Last Name

I've heard that these two have quite a football prowess. Unfortunately, that doesn't stop Andy Reid from looking like the Eagles grabbed a random out of the cheese curds plant in Philly. Then again, with a stache like that, Reid could have been the Ron Jeremy that never made it. Too bad the 70s had The Beegees. Reid looks like he was a Kanye's Workout Plan type song away from being the Peter North of his generation.

Quarterback: Tom Brady vs. Donny McNabb

I just realized I forgot to declare who has the advantage in that last one. But that doesn't matter.

Because while Donny's eating his mom's Chunkie soup, Tom Brady is banging Bridget Moynahan. That's worth way more than the previous rings, experience and MVPs.


I'd have quit football years ago if I was Tom Brady

Running Back: Corey Dillon vs. Brian Westbrook

By doing some gumshoe work, I found that Corey Dillon had a bastard daughter with his girlfriend Desiree Antoine. By doing a Google Image search, I found this:


"My name is FABIEUUUHNNE..."

I'm guessing that's not her. But I couldn't find anything on Westbrook's lady friends. Philly girls must be pretty psycho to live around there, and, even worse, date Philly guys. I'm sure that makes Westbrook a Philly lady slayer. So we'll give him the advantage.

Offensive Line

The average size of Philadelphia's offensive line is probably about 315 pounds. I'm guessing the average image of their girlfriends/wives looksl ike this:


All I can say is Jesus H. Christ Tom. I didn't know they made 6 month beer goggles.

Meanwhile New England's offensive line is probably a svelte 300 pounds themselves. Those guys are probably hitting something resembling this:


At least Rosie will bring along another girl for a threesome. Well, if we count Rosie as one girl anyway.

The moral, as always. Being an offensive lineman sucks, and none of them are winners.

Wide Receivers

This one doesn't even need to be dissected. Unless you're Rip Van Winkle and missed the T.O. Towelgate.


If one of them jumped into your arms wearing nothing, I hereby declare you the winner.

Defensive Line

The Eagles have Jevon Kearse. He's a strapping black male so athletic that everyone calls him the Freak. No homo. That last line looks like something Tara Reid would have put in a classified ad.


Uh, I'm going to go out on a limb and assume she's not related to Andy.

If your defensive lineman has a chance at Tara Reid, I guess that gives you the advantage. Of course, you might have to restructure his contract by inserting a clause that says you can void his contract if he catches a venerial disease.

Linebackers

The Patriots have a linebacker named Ted Bruschi. It's pronounced like "brew ski," or more importantly, brewskey. It doesn't take much imagination to come up with a drinking game centered around Teddy. But more importantly, that gives the Patriots a nice advantage in this Bloggystyle matchup.

Secondary

After a lengthy detour of positions white guys can actually play, we're finally back to a category dedicated specifically to really fast, hard hitting black guys, no homo. This is definitely a close call, what with the likes of Rowdy Roddy Harrison and Flyin Brian Dawkins. The quintessential tossup.


This apparently is a Brit actor named Claudia Harrison. No relation to Rodney I guess.

Special Teams

No "special" individuals from Boston or Philadelphia will get with any member of the opposite sex. At least I hope not. Another tossup.

So what will be the final score? This one's tough to call. For Philly, we have Andy Reid possibly going Northpole style on the sidelines while T.O. gets busy with desperate housewives. Maybe we'll even have a Tara Reid sighting.

Meanwhile, Boston's certainly representing as well. Brady's trying to go to Disneyworld with Bridget Moynahan, Corey's got his French chick, and like everything that's good in life, the Patriots defense is anchored by Brewskeys.

So who will win?


Not her.

When I am up at school, I singlehandedly keep MTV Jams' ratings up, even when they betrayed my trust one week and put the video selection in the uncapable hands of fruits like Usher.

So of course in the middle of last year, my eyesight and ears were permeated and invaded by "I Like That," a track done by Chingy, Nate Dogg and Houston, some dude I had never heard of. I guess Houston is this R&B singer. No, not rhythm and blues. Retards and Bitches, as in Houston's fanbase.

Anyway, after seeing this video played a few million times, I begged and prayed to whatever powers may be, that I never have to see Houston or Chingy on my television ever again.

Well, I'll settle for 50%:

Los Angeles radio station KKBT-FM's K-Sly, who appeared in the "I Like That" video and is close to Houston's camp, said the singer had been under psychiatric care last year for manic depression. Another source corroborated that claim, adding that Houston had also struggled with PCP.

"I was told he wanted to commit suicide and stabbed his eye out," K-Sly said. "He was telling people he was Jesus and wanted to go home to his Father."

Now I like Rotten.com and Ogrish.com as much as the next sick fuck, but after seeing the results at Byron Crawford, I've only got two things to say.

#1 - If Houston was as good a singer as he is an eyegouger, he never would have had to do the latter.

#2 - That is pretty damn gross, by any standards I could conceivably think of.

Despite my disdain for Houston's new look, I can happily comment that the fool will never be in a video again. Let the MTV Jams cleansing begin.

I was peeping out the Flyhive the other day and initially saw a post titled Waste of Time, with a picture of Keira Knightley immediately below it. I was beginning to wonder just how the hell posting pictures of hot girls was a waste of time.

So let's all say it together:


Not


A


Waste


Of


Time

The man recently dubbed "the immortal Calvin Broadus" is being sued by some trick who claims Calvin and his posse raped her in the back of the Jimmy Kimmel Live Studio.


Apparently the show is more interesting in the back.

In December, rapper Snoop Dogg filed a lawsuit against Emmy Award-winning make-up artist Kylie Bell, alleging that Bell was attempting to extort $5 million from him on the basis that he and members of his entourage allegedly raped her during a taping of the Jimmy Kimmel Live show in January 2003. At the time, the rapper said that Bell and her lawyers were threatening to sell the story to the National Enquirer or a book publisher. The rapper also stated that he did not sexually assault Bell, but now the make-up artist is striking back by filing a $25 million lawsuit against Snoop, Jimmy Kimmel Live, the Walt Disney Company, ABC, and several others.

I couldn't find a picture of this bitch so I can't gauge the merits of her case.

Anyway here's her lie story:

Bell alleges that she was hired by the rapper to administer and remove his make-up from January 28 through the 31, 2003, while he served as a co-host on Jimmy Kimmel Live. On the final night, she was given some champagne by a member of his entourage and could barely move after taking a few sips. She then was allegedly raped by Snoop Dogg and two members of his entourage.

Unintentional comedy off the scale.

Anyway, this woman was clearly actin bugged out in the back, probably because she unintentionally got high.

Bell believes the Jimmy Kimmel Live show (ABC and Walt Disney are the parent companies) is partially responsible because they allegedly provided the rapper with large quantities of champagne and marijuana for his dressing room.

Is this woman trying to tell us that Snoop needed these things to be provided by Jimmy Kimmel Live? Get real.

According to Bell, she also observed the rapper snorting cocaine on January 31 in his dressing room. The morning after the incident, Bell allegedly wanted to go to the police but was advised against it by family members because of the rapper's gang affiliations.

Wait, that long nail on his pinky wasn't for show?


"Mr. Dogg," as called by Jewish World Review, sporting his blues.

Four months after the incident, Bell contact the Jimmy Kimmel Live show and told them that she wanted to go to the police. Shortly thereafter, her living expenses were paid through an ABC investment company.

So what have we learned from this incident?

Screw college: I want to go work for gully ABC.