Bloggystyle -- The Greatest

I'm here to deliver a can't miss Super Bowl Preview. By now, you've heard enough about Xs and Os. I'll be breaking down the exes and hoes.

Coach: Andy Reid vs. Bill Can't Spell His Last Name

I've heard that these two have quite a football prowess. Unfortunately, that doesn't stop Andy Reid from looking like the Eagles grabbed a random out of the cheese curds plant in Philly. Then again, with a stache like that, Reid could have been the Ron Jeremy that never made it. Too bad the 70s had The Beegees. Reid looks like he was a Kanye's Workout Plan type song away from being the Peter North of his generation.

Quarterback: Tom Brady vs. Donny McNabb

I just realized I forgot to declare who has the advantage in that last one. But that doesn't matter.

Because while Donny's eating his mom's Chunkie soup, Tom Brady is banging Bridget Moynahan. That's worth way more than the previous rings, experience and MVPs.


I'd have quit football years ago if I was Tom Brady

Running Back: Corey Dillon vs. Brian Westbrook

By doing some gumshoe work, I found that Corey Dillon had a bastard daughter with his girlfriend Desiree Antoine. By doing a Google Image search, I found this:


"My name is FABIEUUUHNNE..."

I'm guessing that's not her. But I couldn't find anything on Westbrook's lady friends. Philly girls must be pretty psycho to live around there, and, even worse, date Philly guys. I'm sure that makes Westbrook a Philly lady slayer. So we'll give him the advantage.

Offensive Line

The average size of Philadelphia's offensive line is probably about 315 pounds. I'm guessing the average image of their girlfriends/wives looksl ike this:


All I can say is Jesus H. Christ Tom. I didn't know they made 6 month beer goggles.

Meanwhile New England's offensive line is probably a svelte 300 pounds themselves. Those guys are probably hitting something resembling this:


At least Rosie will bring along another girl for a threesome. Well, if we count Rosie as one girl anyway.

The moral, as always. Being an offensive lineman sucks, and none of them are winners.

Wide Receivers

This one doesn't even need to be dissected. Unless you're Rip Van Winkle and missed the T.O. Towelgate.


If one of them jumped into your arms wearing nothing, I hereby declare you the winner.

Defensive Line

The Eagles have Jevon Kearse. He's a strapping black male so athletic that everyone calls him the Freak. No homo. That last line looks like something Tara Reid would have put in a classified ad.


Uh, I'm going to go out on a limb and assume she's not related to Andy.

If your defensive lineman has a chance at Tara Reid, I guess that gives you the advantage. Of course, you might have to restructure his contract by inserting a clause that says you can void his contract if he catches a venerial disease.

Linebackers

The Patriots have a linebacker named Ted Bruschi. It's pronounced like "brew ski," or more importantly, brewskey. It doesn't take much imagination to come up with a drinking game centered around Teddy. But more importantly, that gives the Patriots a nice advantage in this Bloggystyle matchup.

Secondary

After a lengthy detour of positions white guys can actually play, we're finally back to a category dedicated specifically to really fast, hard hitting black guys, no homo. This is definitely a close call, what with the likes of Rowdy Roddy Harrison and Flyin Brian Dawkins. The quintessential tossup.


This apparently is a Brit actor named Claudia Harrison. No relation to Rodney I guess.

Special Teams

No "special" individuals from Boston or Philadelphia will get with any member of the opposite sex. At least I hope not. Another tossup.

So what will be the final score? This one's tough to call. For Philly, we have Andy Reid possibly going Northpole style on the sidelines while T.O. gets busy with desperate housewives. Maybe we'll even have a Tara Reid sighting.

Meanwhile, Boston's certainly representing as well. Brady's trying to go to Disneyworld with Bridget Moynahan, Corey's got his French chick, and like everything that's good in life, the Patriots defense is anchored by Brewskeys.

So who will win?


Not her.