Bloggystyle -- The Greatest

Before I made such a bold statement about what I thought was the worst song ever, I really should have taken into account the byproduct of that foul beast that has infested music for the past few months. The one. The only. "The Artist Being Credited As Ashlee Simpson."

Last night a terrible calamity befell me. I had to make a 20 minute drive without my CDs. Now I've never accused the radio stations around my home of being remarkable. But the chain of events that took place last night at 1 a.m. on the local pop station was surreal.

The DJ took a call from a guy requesting Mmbop by Hanson, saying that he and his buddies had concocted a dance to the song but had lost the CD, no homo. I don't know if he was joking or not, and neither did the DJ. Always being someone who's interested in witnessing an on air train wreck, I kept the radio on the station, despite the distinct possibility of hearing the beginning of Mmbop. Little did I know the train had just left the station.


The long hair. The lipstick. These guys are only a few steps away from becoming three white Ru Pauls.


After the DJ laughed at these assclowns, he told them that he couldn't honor their request but that he had something special to play. He then listed various laurels and achievements attributed to a certain female pop singer.

He rambled on about platinum sales and the like for 20 seconds until dropping the Orange Bowl bomb. It was then, and only then, that I realized he was talking about The Artist Being Credited As Ashlee Simpson.

Everyone's familiar with the Ashlee episodes. Yet this DJ somehow ignored the litany of embarassments to tell us that our ears were about to feast on a new song called La La. Maybe I was the last person on the planet to hear this track, but I wasn't ready for my ears to have their respective cherries popped, no homo.


Maybe the ancient Greeks were onto something: it sure looks like Ryan Cabrera was turned to stone by just one look.


It didn't take me long to realize that a new challenger had entered the arena for the title of worst track ever. At least when those Milli Vanilli dregs were scamming the industry, they at least made it sound like they could sing! The Artist Being Credited As Ashlee Simpson sounds like she's coughing up a hairball during this track. Or maybe Ashlee actually tried to sing a track herself for once.

Regardless, laughable as it was, the Destiny Child track had an overall theme to it. Of course the girls never had or will have soldiers, but it's not like Ja Rule is killing anybody either. Unless you count the fact that Ja is "killing us softly with his song."

Incredibly, the lyrics to this track are worse than the ones on Soldier. I had to go to a lyrics page because obviously you can't understand a single damn word Ashlee says, but somewhere in that song is crap about being a french maid, a boomerang and an alley cat.

Obviously the entire song is pointless, and nobody even knows just what the hell "la la" means. All I know is that if it involves committing felonies, then The Artist definitely makes me want to do it.


Here's hoping the next lip syncher is at least attractive.

And just when I was about to curse Ashlee Simpson for everything she has done to us, I almost had to feel sorry for her after reading her dad's comments. The Simpson girls clearly weren't dealt the typical gene pool.

Simpson, the manager-dad of Ashlee and Jessica, expounds on his daughters' assets in GQ magazine: advertisement

"Jessica never tries to be sexy. She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she's sexy in both. She's got double D's! You can't cover those suckers up!"

As for Ashlee, Joe saved her from a fate worse than death: playing a lesbian in her debut film, Wannabe.

"I changed it," Simpson says. "It doesn't work for her to be gay the first thing out. She said, 'But it's cool, it's edgy, it's different,' and, of course, the filmmakers were like, 'It's cool for a woman to be a lesbian,' and I'm like, 'That's true, but not her first role.' She's going to be a huge movie star. She's like Meg Ryan or Cameron Diaz, with probably more depth. When we're done, she'll play it all."

Even Michael Jackson would pity the girls given the ridiculous expectations of this father. Seriously, Joe, what the hell are you talking about? Even a blind, deaf mute would tell you that Ashlee is a no talent hack. Before she's giving Meg Ryan a run, shouldn't someone at least teach Ashlee how to properly act out lip synching?

And by the way, Joe, Jessica's "assets" are for us to ogle at, not you. You were right about one thing though: those double Ds are impossible to cover up. Thank God.


At least something went right during the Simpson creation processes. Two things, in fact.




So what has Joe left us as his lasting legacy? Ashlee "Don't Call Me Billy Carter" Simpson, who can't sing and can't even act like she does. And Jessica Simpson, the only dumbshit to ever be a "newlywed" for two years and counting.

Thanks a lot Joe. Thanks a lot.