Bloggystyle -- The Greatest

The Jolly Green Giant and the "Cockpump."

Despite the very ominous title of Ridiculous College Story #9, I promise it's not as teh ghey as the last one.

Halloween in Madison, WI is a hellraising experience that just about anyone in the state has gone through at least once. I had already gone through the endeavor my sophomore year, but the following year I went with my roomates to visit some friends for the weekend, no homo.

The Main Players


The guy, minus the ogre. We'll call him Mad Dog


The individual not so affectionately known as The Gimp. No homo.


"It's your boy Johnny to the. (Sorry DJX, had to do that. No homo too.)


"You don't wanna fuck with me..."
So the three of us took a trip up to Madison and after some pregaming at an acquaintance's house we went to a house party. Like the typical Madison house party, this one was sizable and fairly good by all measurable standards.

Things were going very normal. In fact, too normal. But then, being the antisocial drunkards that we were, we found ourselves hovering over the keg so frequently that we somehow came into control of one of the kegs. When the keg inevitably ran out, one of those two came up with the brilliant idea of taking the tapper. This move was made all the more stupid by the fact that the Gimp and I had been chased away from a party in Madison the year before when we stole the tapper.

Anyway, Mad Dog took the tapper off the keg and put it over his shoulder, under his shirt. At that point, the 3 of us realized that we should probably be going. And right on cue, as soon as we set foot outside of the party, some Asian bitch straight out of the Full Metal Jacket mode got a "me so horny" craze going, hitting on everyone in sight and feeling all 3 of us up.

Normally, we may have paid the whore some mind. Under other circumstances, and with the proper amount of protection, she may have been splack worthy. But we were still risking a severe dusting by stickng around. Eventually, when Ms. Love You Long Time started feeling Mad Dog up, she felt something on his shoulder and asked what it was. Apparently at a loss for words or explanation, Mad Dog shot back, "It's my cockpump." No homo. Suffice it to say, that quickly sent her on her way.

Ironically, we avoided one potential dusting only to be subjected to another incredibly random one. As the three of us walked back toward where we were staying with some guys The Gimp knew, nhjic, those guys, one of which was a Marine, started beating the everloving shit out of some guys across the road, for no discernible reason, no homo. The three of us kept walking like nothing was happening, and we proceeded to walk to an Open Pantry for reasons none of us are sure of to this day.

While waiting in line to buy something, this absurd, obese looking creature posing as a human being got into line behind us. Since it was Halloween weekend, some people were in costumes. And this guy was apparently trying to be the Hulk. But since he was obese, it was more like the Jolly Green Giant. Trashed beyond belief, this bohemoth had dried paint hanging off his face and hair, a sight so bewildering we just had to start talking to him.

Despite having a blood alcohol level that clearly topped his IQ, the guy started mumbling incoherently at us, and the other 2 roomates started mumbling incoherently back. I paid no attention to the motherfucker, just wanting to get the hell out of the OP. After about 5 minutes in the OP, with this guy still talking to us, The Gimp bought whatever the hell we were in there for and we started to walk out.

For some reason the Jolly Green Giant followed us out. He moved his fat ass inbetween The Gimp and Mad Dog and put his arms around each of them, no homo. As those two tried to remove his arms, he wouldn't let go, and as they tried harder, he held harder. Then, this formerly benign and harmless Jolly Green Giant looking bastard actually dragged both of them to the ground in the middle of the Open Pantry parking lot, with a number of amused spectators watching this development. As The Gimp struggled for his life, Mad Dog pulled out the "Cockpump" and began hammering the Giant with it. Major no homo. Meanwhile I started kicking the bastard. It took all 3 of us in concerted unison to dust the Giant and leave him on the pavement, after which some stupid hoochies started yelling at the guy and tending to him.

At that point, much like Jules and Vince in the Diner at the end of Pulp Fiction, it was clearly a "I think we should be leaving now" moment for the three of us, and that's just what we did. 2+ years later, we still use the "Cockpump" as our house tapper whenever we get our own kegs. No homo.